Week thirty one arrived and so did my seven months of loss. On day off Monday a friend based in Beijing had lunch with me. Surprisingly tears surged as I hugged a brother I had lost touched with for three years. The emotional side with friends had dried up since returning from USA. On my return trip home late afternoon I met a neighbor who lost his wife to cancer three months earlier than Doris. His wife shared the same ward with Doris when my wife was hospitalized for two weeks once. We had seen each other before on buses before, but not share the same seat. Lately I try to avoid most people, except familiar ones. He shared that his dreams of his wife were always in her sickness, causing him to cry a bucket of tears 一殼水. At night he is lonely and all the carers that kept him going had all long disappeared, even her wife's sister from China who came frequently to visit his seven year old son previously, but now he was reluctant to trouble her.
Tuesday was staff Christmas party and I won the big prize of $1,000, of which a whopping $787 was spent on coworkers high tea. They are worth more, very previous to me, having mentored some and receiving support in return. At night I walked short of an hour on my prayer walk because a neighbor friend said my tummy is showing after USA trip.
On Wednesday morning a coworker shaved my hair for Doris' seventh month tomorrow. It was a good day because a buddy invited me and another family I know to his newly renovated house for winter solstice dinner and his daughter's birthday
Thursday was seven months without Doris and I woke up wanting to visit her high school, St Paul Co-Ed. Her sister Faith was available to join me since she is retired. At night I was invited by some pth folks for restaurant dinner. We took lots of photo. They have done lots to encourage me. Before bed the pent-up emotions let loose, turning into loud cries and heavy sobs.
On Friday afternoon I bought lilies for Doris a day late for her seventh month. Before work day was over, a good friend dropped by unexpectedly and later asked me to join his brother-in-law, who lost his wife to cancer a month before Doris, for dinner. At dinnerI learned he's taking medication to allow him to sleep from 1am to 10am. I also talked to his friend who lost his father eight months ago. She had no closure because of family disputes over inheritance. I have more patience and empathy to listen and share now.
I took a young adult friend to lunch Saturday because of his birthday. It was the least I could do for old USA friends. Plus, I know his pastor dad. After lunch I bought two cakes for friends, of which one was surprised by its richness. A coworker prepared a Bible study on John 1 with the help of 文法聖經 and my friendly coaxing. It was an instant classic and a proud moment for me to upgrade him to such a high level.
Sunday rolled along. I preached the same evangelistic passage of Matthew 11:28-30. Two raised their hands to accept Christ, ten folks so far. It was hard to motivate myself the second time. Finally on a restive evening I succeeded in walking an hour on my prayer walk.
Here's a song from an young autistic girl that touched my heart this festive week:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gfAwXDWThlo
Dec 27
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Week 30
Week thirty could be a turnaround for me in HK after my USA trip. On Monday I joined Doris' high school mates for lunch. They bought four 文法聖經 from me. I am slowly warming up to them, attending their lunch every other month. I learned my lesson from sleeping five hours the previous day at home in the noon time as a result of jet lag, so I decided to spend the rest of the day hours writing at the office. At night I joined a friend retreating here that I bumped into the previous night and our talk today was three hours till midnight. We bared our hearts and shared our thoughts. Friend said that I was there for him the last time he was on the island depressed and Doris was instrumental in turning around his marriage one coffee meeting elsewhere, so it made me think and gave me pause. He called it double friendship.
Tuesday was a busy day. I had to catch up to my Saturday sermon that I had put aside for weeks, if not months. By the end of the day the sermon was slowly getting in shape, but illustrations were lacking.
On Wednesday I stepped in the scales to check my weight. It started with a coworker's wife who said, Pastor you must have put on at least ten pounds. Sure enough I weighed 168 pounds from three weeks of Thanksgiving eating, friends' dinner, cold temperature, meeting snacks and no exercise.
Thursday I woke to a short dream of my wife with me and a younger colleague "A" sharing a meal at table 23 in Marie Calendars, a restaurant I visited in USA. To me it is nothing short of a blessing to feel her as she was. The hardest thing is to lose memories of her, which is the fear of all remaining spouses. The morning was supposedly a half day off but there were three meetings to attend, of which the first is department meeting. At the meeting I announced that I would cooperate with outside church events but not participate 合作但不參加. My coworkers would deputize for me. They are the best, God's angels for me. I have little energy or enthusiasm left for big events or vain folks around. My time is best spent writing, mentoring and theological missions.
On Friday I spent much of my time getting the Cantonese sermon translated and ppt ready for Saturday morning preaching, it was half hour past deadline 3pm when I finished merely the ppt. The disadvantage of preaching Saturday morning is that there is no Saturday cushion to work further on it. Because my sister in-law and husband could not attend Couples Fellowship that night I did not stay but went home to eat and pray. One of the things I looked forward to returning from USA is to continue the prayer walk routine that we enjoyed, even more than my morning swim.
Saturday sermon turned out much better than I expected. I gave an invitation and was shocked that seven raised their hands. I pressured the morning service team to buy lunch and we had a good time. At night a putonghua (pth) worshipper told me he attended the morning worship because he's got to work tomorrow. He said, Pastor, your Cantonese is better than your pth. I said, Shh, don't say so loud, or you'll lose your pastor to Cantonese side.
There were 137 baptized on Sunday. I and buddy Cheng split the work of baptizing and K was the speaker, no better team I must add. At the end of 68 baptisms I gave a couple from my Fellowship a big hug to howls from the congregation. It was natural to me after I'm back from USA. Hug first now.
Praise God; I had put on weight, energy to spare and regained my touch, for the moment. Hallelujah, He heals the brokenhearted and sets His people free, Merry Christmas all!
Dec 21
Tuesday was a busy day. I had to catch up to my Saturday sermon that I had put aside for weeks, if not months. By the end of the day the sermon was slowly getting in shape, but illustrations were lacking.
On Wednesday I stepped in the scales to check my weight. It started with a coworker's wife who said, Pastor you must have put on at least ten pounds. Sure enough I weighed 168 pounds from three weeks of Thanksgiving eating, friends' dinner, cold temperature, meeting snacks and no exercise.
Thursday I woke to a short dream of my wife with me and a younger colleague "A" sharing a meal at table 23 in Marie Calendars, a restaurant I visited in USA. To me it is nothing short of a blessing to feel her as she was. The hardest thing is to lose memories of her, which is the fear of all remaining spouses. The morning was supposedly a half day off but there were three meetings to attend, of which the first is department meeting. At the meeting I announced that I would cooperate with outside church events but not participate 合作但不參加. My coworkers would deputize for me. They are the best, God's angels for me. I have little energy or enthusiasm left for big events or vain folks around. My time is best spent writing, mentoring and theological missions.
On Friday I spent much of my time getting the Cantonese sermon translated and ppt ready for Saturday morning preaching, it was half hour past deadline 3pm when I finished merely the ppt. The disadvantage of preaching Saturday morning is that there is no Saturday cushion to work further on it. Because my sister in-law and husband could not attend Couples Fellowship that night I did not stay but went home to eat and pray. One of the things I looked forward to returning from USA is to continue the prayer walk routine that we enjoyed, even more than my morning swim.
Saturday sermon turned out much better than I expected. I gave an invitation and was shocked that seven raised their hands. I pressured the morning service team to buy lunch and we had a good time. At night a putonghua (pth) worshipper told me he attended the morning worship because he's got to work tomorrow. He said, Pastor, your Cantonese is better than your pth. I said, Shh, don't say so loud, or you'll lose your pastor to Cantonese side.
There were 137 baptized on Sunday. I and buddy Cheng split the work of baptizing and K was the speaker, no better team I must add. At the end of 68 baptisms I gave a couple from my Fellowship a big hug to howls from the congregation. It was natural to me after I'm back from USA. Hug first now.
Praise God; I had put on weight, energy to spare and regained my touch, for the moment. Hallelujah, He heals the brokenhearted and sets His people free, Merry Christmas all!
Dec 21
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Week 29
Week twenty nine was the last week of a refreshing three weeks in USA. At Monday's seminary conference I choked back tears introducing our latest book 同作門徒. Many former colleagues comforted me. The response was strong when I introduced 文法聖經, but unfortunately I just brought one to USA because it is 800 pages heavy.
The next day was a triumph and a relief of some sort to me because I have finished revising 文法聖經 at night. It was the foremost project for me on this trip because I cannot afford the time to do it in HK due my heavy workload. Not only did I complete the Chinese version, I was crazy enough to finish and begin rechecking the English version too. The new Chinese version in bolder colors was to help a close colleague whose vision is deteriorating.
On Wednesday I met 18 former members, including grown kids, for dinner. It was hard to say grace for dinner because Doris used to join us in dinners. One family from New Jersey in town was upset at me for not seeing them personally, but I was too emotional part of the trip.
The next day was the second last day of the trip, but it may as well be the last because my flight next day is 825am in the morning. For the first time in three weeks I woke up to normal USA time. The jet lag was gone but I had to leave tomorrow. I was thankful I got back some copies of my first book 開天闢地 from a bookstore. I discovered I did not have a copy in HK, so it was a bonus to remember to get some from the only bookstore that has it.
The return flight to HK was troublesome and taxing no matter how you envision it. I had to leave my host family's house at 530am with three luggages for fifteen hours of travel with no computer but movies to pass the time. I have never seen so many movies in one day in my life. At least got to see Wall-e, an old movie Doris watched with church kids. It was touching to see two altogether different robots' love for each other.
I finally got home on Saturday and caught the 530pm shuttle bus home. Home was the way it was, but Doris' sisters had brought flowers to our home by her side. I added lilies to the fading flowers. At night I took some jet lag medication.
The next day was a big day as I had to preach twice, one in indonesian and another at North Point. An old song We are the Reason reminded me emotionally of our days . Praise God , all went well. After lunch with a couple I had to dart back to answer a phone call and to join prayer meeting, a priority for Doris. After church I napped after 5pm and woke up at 10pm, after more than four hours, missing a neighbors dinner at 715pm but greeted a colleague here for surprise visit. I had to take pills to sleep again at night to counter jet lag because now my time is really messed up.
Here are my thanks to God for the USA break:
1. Updating records. I had to run thrice to the county an hour away, fill in retirement forms and send copy to tax accountant for tax purposes.
2. Close a bank account. My USA funds were depleting and I did not want to be penalized but retain our sweet joint account.
3. Passing written driving test. I erred on two of 18 questions, one less than is allowed.
4. Driving safety. I drove thrice to Riverside an hour away, twice to Orange County an hour away, once to San Diego more than two hours away and once to Santa Barbara and Solvang two and half hours away. Also thanks to a good friend who drove me to Carmel and the Big Sur.
5. Visiting churches. I attended the worship of two former churches and my sister in law's church.
6. Greeting relatives. I traveled to San Diego twice to catch up with one who was overseas on the first occasion.
7. Meeting friends. A close family had relocated to New Jersey and China but was back for a relative's wedding.
8. Attending seminary conference. Catching up to old and new faculty.
9. Host family, mentor and alum brother. The host family gave me a roof over the head, meals if needed and a night's stay in Santa Barbara. Herman is passionate as always. Got to know Paul the person rather than the professor.
10. Closure. Goodbye USA, seminary, church, relatives and friends!
The next day was a triumph and a relief of some sort to me because I have finished revising 文法聖經 at night. It was the foremost project for me on this trip because I cannot afford the time to do it in HK due my heavy workload. Not only did I complete the Chinese version, I was crazy enough to finish and begin rechecking the English version too. The new Chinese version in bolder colors was to help a close colleague whose vision is deteriorating.
On Wednesday I met 18 former members, including grown kids, for dinner. It was hard to say grace for dinner because Doris used to join us in dinners. One family from New Jersey in town was upset at me for not seeing them personally, but I was too emotional part of the trip.
The next day was the second last day of the trip, but it may as well be the last because my flight next day is 825am in the morning. For the first time in three weeks I woke up to normal USA time. The jet lag was gone but I had to leave tomorrow. I was thankful I got back some copies of my first book 開天闢地 from a bookstore. I discovered I did not have a copy in HK, so it was a bonus to remember to get some from the only bookstore that has it.
The return flight to HK was troublesome and taxing no matter how you envision it. I had to leave my host family's house at 530am with three luggages for fifteen hours of travel with no computer but movies to pass the time. I have never seen so many movies in one day in my life. At least got to see Wall-e, an old movie Doris watched with church kids. It was touching to see two altogether different robots' love for each other.
I finally got home on Saturday and caught the 530pm shuttle bus home. Home was the way it was, but Doris' sisters had brought flowers to our home by her side. I added lilies to the fading flowers. At night I took some jet lag medication.
The next day was a big day as I had to preach twice, one in indonesian and another at North Point. An old song We are the Reason reminded me emotionally of our days . Praise God , all went well. After lunch with a couple I had to dart back to answer a phone call and to join prayer meeting, a priority for Doris. After church I napped after 5pm and woke up at 10pm, after more than four hours, missing a neighbors dinner at 715pm but greeted a colleague here for surprise visit. I had to take pills to sleep again at night to counter jet lag because now my time is really messed up.
Here are my thanks to God for the USA break:
1. Updating records. I had to run thrice to the county an hour away, fill in retirement forms and send copy to tax accountant for tax purposes.
2. Close a bank account. My USA funds were depleting and I did not want to be penalized but retain our sweet joint account.
3. Passing written driving test. I erred on two of 18 questions, one less than is allowed.
4. Driving safety. I drove thrice to Riverside an hour away, twice to Orange County an hour away, once to San Diego more than two hours away and once to Santa Barbara and Solvang two and half hours away. Also thanks to a good friend who drove me to Carmel and the Big Sur.
5. Visiting churches. I attended the worship of two former churches and my sister in law's church.
6. Greeting relatives. I traveled to San Diego twice to catch up with one who was overseas on the first occasion.
7. Meeting friends. A close family had relocated to New Jersey and China but was back for a relative's wedding.
8. Attending seminary conference. Catching up to old and new faculty.
9. Host family, mentor and alum brother. The host family gave me a roof over the head, meals if needed and a night's stay in Santa Barbara. Herman is passionate as always. Got to know Paul the person rather than the professor.
10. Closure. Goodbye USA, seminary, church, relatives and friends!
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Week 28
Week twenty eight is better but not much after Thanksgiving. On the first day of the week I woke up to a dream of Doris asking me to massage her and take her to see the latest Margaret Cheung. My host said Margaret Cheung did not act for years. Then I headed to Riverside county to rectify records.
Tuesday was a blank to me. I remembered having coffee and working on my Grammar Bible. My vacation is a working holiday. It makes me more productive and not dwell on my situation. I average five to six hours writing daily.
Wednesday I took alum brother Paul and wife with me to Santa Barbara, stopping by Solvang fofty five minutes away. They had the time of their lives. At evening we walked to the wharf from our hotel twenty minutes away and had dinner that my friends totally enjoyed.
The next day we left our hotel after breakfast and another walk by the beach. I had to visit Santa Barbara because SB was the last night and place Doris spent in USA, at the same hotel too. The hotel was courtesy of a friend's reward points.
Friday was the start of a six days theological conference. Paul and Chloe were the outstanding speakers. There were familiar and unfamiliar faces to meet, but I hope to get some insight and inspiration. I was invited to return to the fold, but my wife's vision and legacy are more important currently.
I had to leave earlier second day to San Diego for dinner with another nephew who returned from HK. He stayed with us two years while in college but now is married for two years, how time flies. Six of us relatives had dinner together.
On Sunday the worship songs touched my heart. For three weeks in a row I could not bottle my emotions at worship. The Lord gave us a gift as TD contacted me officially to publish Doris' invested book on healing 你要痊癒嗎？She finished the book at the end of March. It was top on her list. May the Lord use it to bless the sick , the aging and the wounded.
Dec 6 USA
Week 27
Week twenty seven is mostly spent with friends and family in USA, especially with the thanksgiving week. On Monday morning I drove an hour to Riverside to work on official documents, which I could not get done without notarization. After that I went to spend the day with my beloved mentor Herman Tang 鄧灼文. There is no better pastor I've seen, none as passionate and loving as Herman, who has just retired and will teach in ABS for three months from January 2017. Herman cried with me the moment I arrived, no kidding. We spent the rest of my overnight stay talking and sharing. It was the eve of six months without Doris.
The next day was exactly six months of Doris' loss. I left after breakfast but the hosts could not join in for health reasons. At 10 AM I left for San Diego to join Doris' sister Vivien and her husband Henry two days before Thanksgiving to visit the San Francisco nephew in town with his two year old daughter. After that, onto another relative visit. On Tuesday I also sent out a nine picture collage of Doris I learned to make two days ago. It was encouraging to many who received it. And I finally sent out a letter to address my grievances after sitting on it for more than two weeks.
On Wednesday Henry took me to La Jolla Cove to see seagulls, sea lions and other creatures by the beach, of which San Diego beaches were a favorite of Doris. She was also a joy and delight to her nephew and nieces growing up there.
On Thursday Thanksgiving I woke up sobbing because of a dream i had of Doris. She was laughing at what I said, nothing much, but it meant a lot to me. When we ate Thanksgiving lunch I felt emotional again. When we prayed before I left after lunch to Los Angeles, tears welled up again. It was a sweet rather than a sad day for me. Most people don't know what to do when I was emotional. A hug, pat on the back or rub of the shoulders would be good.
On Friday a good friend took me to Big Sur through the inland route of Carmel, then to Big Sur. When I saw the big waves crashing at the rocks, tears rolled down my eyes thinking of our honeymoon car ride seventeen years ago through 1 highway to Carmel. This was my request to a good friend to take me to Carmel again, and he obliged from 25 years of friendship. At dinner I sobbed again at the seafood bar overlooking outside while my friend looked out the window not knowing what to do.
Saturday morning was a ride back to Los Angeles for a dinner appointment. I treasured talking to a younger pastor sharing the ups and downs of ministry in USA and HK. I am now more aware of coworkers looking up to me and learning from me, so I must be there for them.
Sunday's trip back to Riverside, where I served the last ten years before leaving, was hard for me. At the end of worship and tears mingled freely. This was where Doris and I had our best years together in a small loving community. After worship I had lunch with two layman preachers to impart Grammar Bible study to them.
Nov 29 USA
Week 26
Week twenty six was a contrast of emotions being in Hong Kong and USA. I spent most of Monday working on my revised grammar Bible to support a loving color-challenged friend and students who want me to clearer mark the verbs. In between I had lunch with a neighbor and coached a Bible study leader over dinner.
On Tuesday Doris' friend from Australia came to our home to pay respect to Doris. He was the first. I showed from my phone some of her latest photos. There is no better friend than Doris, even to lost and lonely souls.
We switched our department meeting to Tuesday for my upcoming flight to USA. I trust my coworkers can do a good job in my three week's presence. We had a staff transferred two weeks ago but all is OK so far.
On Wednesday morning I hurried over to cheung sha wan to get my international driver's license just in case I fail it in USA. They even accepted my old photos for the license number, so I was glad. At 3 pm I had to prepare a coworker for her upcoming preaching, but the sermon needs more time.
On Thursday I worked in the morning and had lunch with coworkers before I boarded my 430pm flight to Los Angeles. Friends consensus is for me to watch movies instead of reading for my usa drivers test the next day. I watched Revenant, X-men Apocalypse and 寒戰2, all three with death and family for a theme. DiCaprio's words after death of his beloved stepson gripped me, I am not afraid of death anymore. I felt the same after Doris was gone. There are tears but not fears in me without Doris. Likewise, Magneto of X-men went on a path of destruction upon losing his wife and daughter. The bad guys kidnapped Aaron Kwok in the last movie to get at him. Family is our pride and passion. My sister picked me up in Los Angeles and we shopped while waiting for my friends who host me to get home after work.
Friday was nervous time as I had to retake my driver's license test. My host gave me a sample of 264 questions and most questions showed up at the 18 question test, where one is allowed to fail thrice. I got two wrong. Later I met with former students for lunch.
On Saturday I drove for the first time in USA to meet my predecessor in Irvine, where he had a three days meeting. He was happiest to see me. We felt we could have been good buddies if we were closer in age, kNown each other while young or had served longer together. It's a case of lonely at the top.
On Sunday I did not intend to return to my first church to worship, but it was a combined Thanksgiving gathering and there was a request to witness the baptism of a friend's daughter. At the end of worship after the benediction the tears came naturally and I had to sneak out while people were looking for me. I did not want to risk people's worry or talk, like my experience in HK. At home by myself at noon it triggered more tears.
Nov 21 USA
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Week 25
Week twenty five was a dark and disappointing week. On Monday Doris' sister from San Diego was in town. The visitors to my home included her husband and Doris' other sister Faith, the two sisters making three souvenir amulets fom the urn and Viviens husband helping me with USA death documents.
Tuesday was a strange and shocking day. To my disappointment I was dismissed from extra group duties. Central is disoriented lately and I was the target. I asked, "Are you sure?" at least twice. There was no budging. I said later, I really wanted to shake your hands just now. My predecessor said I should add, Thank you very much. At night I attended the local church coworkers and gave 80 文法聖經 away to all attendees.
The next day close friends invited me for lunch. I said I have nothing but pity for Central. At night I had dinner with Betty, one of Doris' best friends who is from Toronto. Tears were shared and shed with best friends. Their love for Doris always comforts me. I gave them two blog books for her other friends who held a memorial service in Toronto, organized by a friend Stanley who himself drove two and a half hours to attend.
Thursday was a special day. A clerk at church told me she had a dream of Doris, which I always like hearing:
葉牧師您好，我係阿萍,上星期邊個晚上我已記不清,在夢中清晰見到葉師母,她同生前—樣，很忙碌，見到她的神情和藹平靜，有小小微笑，唔知掂解,我有哭泣，之後我醒了🙏🏻😇
可能我哋太掛住葉師母😊
On Friday I woke early at 430am, and the thought of being fired from a duty occupied my mind, so much so I started writing a letter that I did not finish. My friends, true to form, again tried to calm me. I did say I had nothing but pity, but I found out I had human anger too.
Saturday was a special day, if not a sacred one. I took the visit from Doris sisters Vivien and Faith to our home on Monday as a tacit approval of resting the urn at home, so I finally took the urn out of the blue box that was supposed to transfer the urn to the cemetery. Tears naturally flowed. At noon I kicked off another group's study of Fellow Disciples同作門徒, the fourth so far.
Sunday arrived. On the way to worship I penned my letter in less than an hour, but my close friends were asking me to reconsider sending. The words were too direct here. Worship songs were meaningful and I was proud of my coworker speaking.
Nov 15
Tuesday was a strange and shocking day. To my disappointment I was dismissed from extra group duties. Central is disoriented lately and I was the target. I asked, "Are you sure?" at least twice. There was no budging. I said later, I really wanted to shake your hands just now. My predecessor said I should add, Thank you very much. At night I attended the local church coworkers and gave 80 文法聖經 away to all attendees.
The next day close friends invited me for lunch. I said I have nothing but pity for Central. At night I had dinner with Betty, one of Doris' best friends who is from Toronto. Tears were shared and shed with best friends. Their love for Doris always comforts me. I gave them two blog books for her other friends who held a memorial service in Toronto, organized by a friend Stanley who himself drove two and a half hours to attend.
Thursday was a special day. A clerk at church told me she had a dream of Doris, which I always like hearing:
葉牧師您好，我係阿萍,上星期邊個晚上我已記不清,在夢中清晰見到葉師母,她同生前—樣，很忙碌，見到她的神情和藹平靜，有小小微笑，唔知掂解,我有哭泣，之後我醒了🙏🏻😇
可能我哋太掛住葉師母😊
On Friday I woke early at 430am, and the thought of being fired from a duty occupied my mind, so much so I started writing a letter that I did not finish. My friends, true to form, again tried to calm me. I did say I had nothing but pity, but I found out I had human anger too.
Saturday was a special day, if not a sacred one. I took the visit from Doris sisters Vivien and Faith to our home on Monday as a tacit approval of resting the urn at home, so I finally took the urn out of the blue box that was supposed to transfer the urn to the cemetery. Tears naturally flowed. At noon I kicked off another group's study of Fellow Disciples同作門徒, the fourth so far.
Sunday arrived. On the way to worship I penned my letter in less than an hour, but my close friends were asking me to reconsider sending. The words were too direct here. Worship songs were meaningful and I was proud of my coworker speaking.
Nov 15
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Week 24
Week twenty four brings back lots of memories of Doris. On Monday I returned to our indoor club house for the first time in my recollection because the outdoor pool is closed on Monday mornings. I exercised in the pool often looking directly at the lounge chair where Doris often slept contentedly before swimming. I could not help but wiped some tears away. The reason why I had to exercise in the morning was I had to join workers retreat. I was bawling the first day when the song Thank You Lord was played, one that Doris sang and played music to:
Thank you, Lord,
for the trials that come my way.
In that way I can grow each day
as I let you lead,
And thank you, Lord,
for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.
But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.
Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.
The intensity caused anxiety to one who asked me if I need to see a psychologist. A friend that night told me his eight year old child was crying lately for fear his mom would die one day.
On Tuesday's prayer walk a song played in my mind with the last line 世間始終妳好. That was too much for me as I could only think of Doris' love for me. No heights or peaks are comparable. I still miss her terribly.
On Wednesday a friend of Doris texted me of his wife's scary episode of almost losing her life previous weekend due SVT, which made me thankful for him but anxious for his loss. His
wife's heart Jumped from a nornal 130 to 230 heartbeat. Praise God she survived the episode with help of doctor's timely intervention. Alex: Morning Victor! Remember you this morning! Somehow saw Doris in my prayer! I didn't feel upset but peaceful with her presence!
On Thursday I had no time to waste. I had to race against time to ready my Sunday sermon and there were meetings to attend next day. There were lots to do because our department assistant has transferred to another department. Even though I was working half day from noon on, I arrived in the morning to focus on my preparation.
I had lunch with a Fellowship leader on Friday. That was followed by department meeting and a later meeting with leader rep. Waiting for the rep I decided to text friends of the arrival 文法聖經, which I was too busy for the last ten days to do. At night I finally got flowers for Doris that I missed doing a day ago.
I had missed hours in preparation because of persistent meetings, so Saturday I had to finalize my sermon, which is easier said than done on Ecclesiastes 9, but it was finally done. I attended Fellowship at night , which has switched to an earlier 545pm.
Sunday arrived and so did anxiety because we were without an assistant for the first time as long as anyone could remember, but all went well except I went overtime. To add icing on the cake a lady accepted Christ after worship. I met an old friend who was having a rough time in ministry, so I am thinking about asking him to take my place if that would help. At night I attended a wedding dinner but I felt so weird, lost and uneasy without Doris.
Nov 8
Thank you, Lord,
for the trials that come my way.
In that way I can grow each day
as I let you lead,
And thank you, Lord,
for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.
But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.
Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.
The intensity caused anxiety to one who asked me if I need to see a psychologist. A friend that night told me his eight year old child was crying lately for fear his mom would die one day.
On Tuesday's prayer walk a song played in my mind with the last line 世間始終妳好. That was too much for me as I could only think of Doris' love for me. No heights or peaks are comparable. I still miss her terribly.
On Wednesday a friend of Doris texted me of his wife's scary episode of almost losing her life previous weekend due SVT, which made me thankful for him but anxious for his loss. His
wife's heart Jumped from a nornal 130 to 230 heartbeat. Praise God she survived the episode with help of doctor's timely intervention. Alex: Morning Victor! Remember you this morning! Somehow saw Doris in my prayer! I didn't feel upset but peaceful with her presence!
On Thursday I had no time to waste. I had to race against time to ready my Sunday sermon and there were meetings to attend next day. There were lots to do because our department assistant has transferred to another department. Even though I was working half day from noon on, I arrived in the morning to focus on my preparation.
I had lunch with a Fellowship leader on Friday. That was followed by department meeting and a later meeting with leader rep. Waiting for the rep I decided to text friends of the arrival 文法聖經, which I was too busy for the last ten days to do. At night I finally got flowers for Doris that I missed doing a day ago.
I had missed hours in preparation because of persistent meetings, so Saturday I had to finalize my sermon, which is easier said than done on Ecclesiastes 9, but it was finally done. I attended Fellowship at night , which has switched to an earlier 545pm.
Sunday arrived and so did anxiety because we were without an assistant for the first time as long as anyone could remember, but all went well except I went overtime. To add icing on the cake a lady accepted Christ after worship. I met an old friend who was having a rough time in ministry, so I am thinking about asking him to take my place if that would help. At night I attended a wedding dinner but I felt so weird, lost and uneasy without Doris.
Nov 8
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Week 23
Week twenty three was one of my better weeks, although not without nostalgia or tears. Monday got off to a sentimental start when I was taking MTR. When I rested my eyes the raw feelings for Doris returned. It was a luxury I could afford on my day off.
Tuesday was training day for a seminary. I spent the day training more than eighty overseas pastors how to preach. Our pastor and I would split five days, three days for me, which I am happy to share with my church coworkers. The plan was to take five coworkers with with me, each focusing on a chapter of 1 Timothy with fourteen or fifteen students in each group. I will kick off today but the coworkers will join me Thursday and Friday. It's been three years I have not trained overseas coworkers.The local camp site was one and a half hours of travel, but I was lost, making it more than two hours.
The next morning I organized a few coworkers to pray for a leader's prostrate cancer operation. The emotions got the better of me in the morning prayer but I was with friends. As soon as prayer was over, my new book 文法聖經 arrived. My coworkers did the heavy lifting for me, moving one thousand books in slightly more than an hour. This book would revolutionize Bible study and preaching in no time. At night I attended deacons meeting with some good friends.
Thursday was another training day but it was more of a test for my coworkers rather than me. As one of them was sick and another could only join me in the afternoon, I had the largest group, but the students were in inspired learning mood to notice or care. At night I decided to skip overnight stay at camp and visited the leader after his operation and return home to keep company.
Friday was the last day of training with three students sharing a chapter's sermon in the afternoon joint preaching of the six chapters , each taking twenty or less minutes for three points per chapter of five hundred words per point. Their skills level is no lesser than my church coworkers by now, I might add. It ended perfectly before 4pm.
On Saturday I had planned to work on Ecclesiastes 10 but I could only manage half a point, but that's how Saturday goes with Fellowship day, except for this week.
Worship was uninspiring on Sunday. For the first week I was devoid of strong sentiments from the music or sermon, so I concluded I was on the mend in good time, five or six months usually.
Nov 1
Tuesday was training day for a seminary. I spent the day training more than eighty overseas pastors how to preach. Our pastor and I would split five days, three days for me, which I am happy to share with my church coworkers. The plan was to take five coworkers with with me, each focusing on a chapter of 1 Timothy with fourteen or fifteen students in each group. I will kick off today but the coworkers will join me Thursday and Friday. It's been three years I have not trained overseas coworkers.The local camp site was one and a half hours of travel, but I was lost, making it more than two hours.
The next morning I organized a few coworkers to pray for a leader's prostrate cancer operation. The emotions got the better of me in the morning prayer but I was with friends. As soon as prayer was over, my new book 文法聖經 arrived. My coworkers did the heavy lifting for me, moving one thousand books in slightly more than an hour. This book would revolutionize Bible study and preaching in no time. At night I attended deacons meeting with some good friends.
Thursday was another training day but it was more of a test for my coworkers rather than me. As one of them was sick and another could only join me in the afternoon, I had the largest group, but the students were in inspired learning mood to notice or care. At night I decided to skip overnight stay at camp and visited the leader after his operation and return home to keep company.
Friday was the last day of training with three students sharing a chapter's sermon in the afternoon joint preaching of the six chapters , each taking twenty or less minutes for three points per chapter of five hundred words per point. Their skills level is no lesser than my church coworkers by now, I might add. It ended perfectly before 4pm.
On Saturday I had planned to work on Ecclesiastes 10 but I could only manage half a point, but that's how Saturday goes with Fellowship day, except for this week.
Worship was uninspiring on Sunday. For the first week I was devoid of strong sentiments from the music or sermon, so I concluded I was on the mend in good time, five or six months usually.
Nov 1
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Week 22
Week twenty two is a little bit better but for some worries too. On Monday I had lunch with two workers and then we visited a new coworker at Baptist Hospital. After that I joined a new friend at TST book fair. He shared about returning to his old job after giving ministry a short try. He just needed friendship and wanted to support me as well.
Tuesday begins another week at the office, but it is sermon week for me, the second sermon two weeks in a row. I have another two weeks later, making it three new sermons in a month. I usually keep my head down and get the job done. Ecclesiastes 8 is rich and satisfying, but it's a lot of work.
The next day was a rainy day, with the black rain signal causing the cancellation of deacons meeting at night. After dinner I walked the island's covered corridors, but still the rain was too heavy in between corridors where pedestrians can get soaked. I could only think of Doris every step I take. She would join me at times, walked reservedly and gave up halfway when the swirling rain between corridors was unbearable while I kept on walking.
On Thursday I woke up to the fear of losing memories of Doris. At night I comforted a heartbroken young man who was heartbroken and identified with him in tears. It is now second nature to me.
On Friday I woke to a long dream. I hurriedly gave up on playing badminton, then rushed to join house shopping with Doris at a place where we suspected a robbery was taking place, with her younger nephew pushing her wheelchair. I was glad I could feel Doris again. A typhoon signal no. 8 blanketed Hong Kong from morning till the signal was taken down at 530pm. It meant I could not buy flowers for Doris' fifth month anniversary tomorrow, cut my hair or attend a coworkers birthday lunch.
On Saturday I finally got my hair cut from a coworker, then attended a wedding , followed by wedding dinner at night. I did not buy flowers again because the dinner ended late at night.
Sunday was here. I hurriedly printed my last illustration to add to my sermon. There was drama when 90 overseas folks joined worship, but it was orderly. I sniffed a little at the pulpiy but held up. That morning I finally bought flowers nearby church and my tears betrayed me as I took them home.
Oct 25
Tuesday begins another week at the office, but it is sermon week for me, the second sermon two weeks in a row. I have another two weeks later, making it three new sermons in a month. I usually keep my head down and get the job done. Ecclesiastes 8 is rich and satisfying, but it's a lot of work.
The next day was a rainy day, with the black rain signal causing the cancellation of deacons meeting at night. After dinner I walked the island's covered corridors, but still the rain was too heavy in between corridors where pedestrians can get soaked. I could only think of Doris every step I take. She would join me at times, walked reservedly and gave up halfway when the swirling rain between corridors was unbearable while I kept on walking.
On Thursday I woke up to the fear of losing memories of Doris. At night I comforted a heartbroken young man who was heartbroken and identified with him in tears. It is now second nature to me.
On Friday I woke to a long dream. I hurriedly gave up on playing badminton, then rushed to join house shopping with Doris at a place where we suspected a robbery was taking place, with her younger nephew pushing her wheelchair. I was glad I could feel Doris again. A typhoon signal no. 8 blanketed Hong Kong from morning till the signal was taken down at 530pm. It meant I could not buy flowers for Doris' fifth month anniversary tomorrow, cut my hair or attend a coworkers birthday lunch.
On Saturday I finally got my hair cut from a coworker, then attended a wedding , followed by wedding dinner at night. I did not buy flowers again because the dinner ended late at night.
Sunday was here. I hurriedly printed my last illustration to add to my sermon. There was drama when 90 overseas folks joined worship, but it was orderly. I sniffed a little at the pulpiy but held up. That morning I finally bought flowers nearby church and my tears betrayed me as I took them home.
Oct 25
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Week 21
Week twenty one was similar to week twenty but on a lighter note. Monday I visited Doris alumni sister and her unsaved father in Yuen Long. There was nothing I could do because he was bent on unbelieving and arguing. Later I walked downtown to remember my earlier work days here.
Tuesday night emotions caught up to me. A good friend agreed to drive me along southern Californias coast when I return to USA in November so that I can get back to the trail that Doris and I took on our honeymoon and to lodge at Carmel. I will leave Nov 17 for three weeks.
The next morning I woke up to a dream of convincing Doris to eat food. She was always careful to eat food that is healthy, and I was trying to persuade her to eat what I bought her, saying it is frequented by lots of customers at a cleaner location.
On Wednesday there was no time to waste because Saturday sermon was round the corner and I was still behind by a day or two in work. I have to be very disciplined because I got three new sermons coming up in next four weeks, now I know how last minute people feels. Shoulder blade pain and a sprained neck also bothered me for two weeks in a row.
My sermon preparation was further compounded by a wedding rehearsal on Thursday. I was glad for coworkers help so that I just needed to practice and direct the vows. My preparation was harder than usual since the groom is from another church and I had switch to their Chinese names instead of the brides normal English name.
There was a lot to do on Friday, one day away from sermon delivery. I shared with a friend that today was a good week, but he quipped the week is not over. At night I had dinner with middle sister, bringing a bread I baked for two sisters.
On Saturday there were lots of tears. I woke up 5am to work on some missing pieces in the sermon.In the morning a kind friend asked me to join a retreat in China, so I told friend my plan to drive Pacific coast highway to our honeymoon destination, and in the process the tears returned. At the wedding the groom started crying when the bride entered, so that made me emotional. At night during the sermon in Luke 4 Jesus temptation, I questioned why Doris had cancer, suffered and died,in contrast to Psalm 91 where the Messiah was promised to be guarded and his foot not dashed: "because he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all your ways."The answer is in verse 14 "because" : *because*
he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, *because* he hath known my name. The devil said the "because" in verse 11 but left out other two important "because" in verse 14. I was comforted because, like the Son, Doris love for the Father never changed no matter the circumstances and results.
Sunday was a calmer day. We had a good marketplace study on passing the baton, from Paul to Ephesus elders in Acts 20.
Add a verse that inspired me Sunday: Luke 9:62 And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. Oct 18
Tuesday night emotions caught up to me. A good friend agreed to drive me along southern Californias coast when I return to USA in November so that I can get back to the trail that Doris and I took on our honeymoon and to lodge at Carmel. I will leave Nov 17 for three weeks.
The next morning I woke up to a dream of convincing Doris to eat food. She was always careful to eat food that is healthy, and I was trying to persuade her to eat what I bought her, saying it is frequented by lots of customers at a cleaner location.
On Wednesday there was no time to waste because Saturday sermon was round the corner and I was still behind by a day or two in work. I have to be very disciplined because I got three new sermons coming up in next four weeks, now I know how last minute people feels. Shoulder blade pain and a sprained neck also bothered me for two weeks in a row.
My sermon preparation was further compounded by a wedding rehearsal on Thursday. I was glad for coworkers help so that I just needed to practice and direct the vows. My preparation was harder than usual since the groom is from another church and I had switch to their Chinese names instead of the brides normal English name.
There was a lot to do on Friday, one day away from sermon delivery. I shared with a friend that today was a good week, but he quipped the week is not over. At night I had dinner with middle sister, bringing a bread I baked for two sisters.
On Saturday there were lots of tears. I woke up 5am to work on some missing pieces in the sermon.In the morning a kind friend asked me to join a retreat in China, so I told friend my plan to drive Pacific coast highway to our honeymoon destination, and in the process the tears returned. At the wedding the groom started crying when the bride entered, so that made me emotional. At night during the sermon in Luke 4 Jesus temptation, I questioned why Doris had cancer, suffered and died,in contrast to Psalm 91 where the Messiah was promised to be guarded and his foot not dashed: "because he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all your ways."The answer is in verse 14 "because" : *because*
he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, *because* he hath known my name. The devil said the "because" in verse 11 but left out other two important "because" in verse 14. I was comforted because, like the Son, Doris love for the Father never changed no matter the circumstances and results.
Sunday was a calmer day. We had a good marketplace study on passing the baton, from Paul to Ephesus elders in Acts 20.
Add a verse that inspired me Sunday: Luke 9:62 And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. Oct 18
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Week 20
Week twenty was one of my better weeks, except for a few days. Monday was a busy day as I joined two USA friends and their friend for lunch and my neighbors family for dinner. The USA friend surprised me by visiting my church the day before. My tears welled up upon seeing an old friend.
The next day was a little teary. A friend introduced me to a man who kept his wife's urn at home too. The man who lost his wife eight years ago told me he had no problems even though he did not seal the urn top. The man did not remarry, but his last eight years were characterized by misery in the first year, lost in the second to six years, and loneliness in the last two due his kids growing up and his frequent travel. He was so open, honest and vulnerable acknowledging his pain that I cried with him in prayer, so did my friend. I cannot identify with someone more.
Wednesday was a calm day. I spent an hour preparing four coworkers to coteach with me over two days of training for overseas coworkers at the end of the month. Hope it bears fruit.
On Thursday I have a friend from Singapore suddenly arriving in town for a conference. We had lunch in Central. He has a blessed ministry now, but he had such an unbelievably hard time after his first wife died and he remarried. It almost ended his ministry. We both remember the songs in my car that comforted him at his lowest point when he visited me in Los Angeles. I wish I can listen to the album again to comfort myself, but I gave it away upon leaving USA.
On Friday our department welcomed visitors from Taiwan. I must say our department coworkers did a good job. At night I had dinner with Doris' middle sister Faith and her husband Chiu before we joined Fellowship together, they at newcomers group because Chiu is a new believer. Over dinner Faith told me they are planning to visit her mother's grave urn in Sunday Chun Yeung festival and wanted to have dinner with me afterwards. Doris and I seldom go to cemetries for the years she had cancer. Faith said we can have dinner at kwai fong nearer where I live. I said, I can come to Hong Kong and save you guys a trip. She said, No I plan to pay respect to little sisters 小妹 urn at your home. I was shocked because she disagreed with keeping Doris urn at home out of the fear she had from seeing Doris depart the last day at home. I turned to her husband and said, You better come to join dinner too. Your wife is afraid. He asked his wife, Are you afraid? Faith answered, Of course. Finally all's well that ended well on the urn.
On Saturday I shared with a coworker the latest events in my life, including how easily sad events made me cry nowadays. True, others pain and conflict grieved me as well. In the sharing I could not help but felt it again. At night I rushed home after Fellowship because one of Doris' former students were waiting at home for me so that he could take books Doris wanted to give away to benefit Macau students.
A song 我的神 我的父 touched me deeply Sunday morning. At prayer meeting I sobbed after knowing a church leader in the same prayer group that day has cancer and needs operation on 26th. After prayer meeting I rushed to buy Doris favorite fish 班, clams and mogua, and roast pork for Chiu before heading home for their arrival including younger sister Marion. It was first dinner for us four at home and the first time using and washing so many utensils. Doris had lots of flowers, from my lilies to the yellow and white flagrant flowers 香花 Faith. Faith cried in front of urn before they left, triggering me as well. Praise God the family can move on and maintain peace.
Finally, a verse that comforted me this week: Habakkuk 2:4 Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by his faith.
Oct 11
The next day was a little teary. A friend introduced me to a man who kept his wife's urn at home too. The man who lost his wife eight years ago told me he had no problems even though he did not seal the urn top. The man did not remarry, but his last eight years were characterized by misery in the first year, lost in the second to six years, and loneliness in the last two due his kids growing up and his frequent travel. He was so open, honest and vulnerable acknowledging his pain that I cried with him in prayer, so did my friend. I cannot identify with someone more.
Wednesday was a calm day. I spent an hour preparing four coworkers to coteach with me over two days of training for overseas coworkers at the end of the month. Hope it bears fruit.
On Thursday I have a friend from Singapore suddenly arriving in town for a conference. We had lunch in Central. He has a blessed ministry now, but he had such an unbelievably hard time after his first wife died and he remarried. It almost ended his ministry. We both remember the songs in my car that comforted him at his lowest point when he visited me in Los Angeles. I wish I can listen to the album again to comfort myself, but I gave it away upon leaving USA.
On Friday our department welcomed visitors from Taiwan. I must say our department coworkers did a good job. At night I had dinner with Doris' middle sister Faith and her husband Chiu before we joined Fellowship together, they at newcomers group because Chiu is a new believer. Over dinner Faith told me they are planning to visit her mother's grave urn in Sunday Chun Yeung festival and wanted to have dinner with me afterwards. Doris and I seldom go to cemetries for the years she had cancer. Faith said we can have dinner at kwai fong nearer where I live. I said, I can come to Hong Kong and save you guys a trip. She said, No I plan to pay respect to little sisters 小妹 urn at your home. I was shocked because she disagreed with keeping Doris urn at home out of the fear she had from seeing Doris depart the last day at home. I turned to her husband and said, You better come to join dinner too. Your wife is afraid. He asked his wife, Are you afraid? Faith answered, Of course. Finally all's well that ended well on the urn.
On Saturday I shared with a coworker the latest events in my life, including how easily sad events made me cry nowadays. True, others pain and conflict grieved me as well. In the sharing I could not help but felt it again. At night I rushed home after Fellowship because one of Doris' former students were waiting at home for me so that he could take books Doris wanted to give away to benefit Macau students.
A song 我的神 我的父 touched me deeply Sunday morning. At prayer meeting I sobbed after knowing a church leader in the same prayer group that day has cancer and needs operation on 26th. After prayer meeting I rushed to buy Doris favorite fish 班, clams and mogua, and roast pork for Chiu before heading home for their arrival including younger sister Marion. It was first dinner for us four at home and the first time using and washing so many utensils. Doris had lots of flowers, from my lilies to the yellow and white flagrant flowers 香花 Faith. Faith cried in front of urn before they left, triggering me as well. Praise God the family can move on and maintain peace.
Finally, a verse that comforted me this week: Habakkuk 2:4 Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by his faith.
Oct 11
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Week 19
Week nineteen began no different from other weeks except it ended worse. On Monday I met with two sets of Doris friends, her two Los Angeles church sisters and her HK SPCC friends by noon. One from Los Angeles stayed with us ten days a few months after we were married because she had returned to HK and was back in USA to take her professional exams. I was surprised when she said Doris invited her, I had no idea or memory!
On Tuesday I had a disagreement with relatives about where to keep her urn, at Lok Fu or at home. One relative does not prefer it at home because the memory of the last day of Doris' life at home scared her because relative was there. Another said it is traditonal to be at cemetery. Third says dIfferent people grieve and mourn differently. My point was I can see urn daily, upkeep better, provide flowers, and greet urn daily. Further relatives go grave sites once or twice yearly. The tussle was enough to make me cry. The draw for her number to pick lots was tomorrow, Wednesday, and so the discussion was brought up. My own brother supported my idea. The irony is that they prefer their ashes scattered. At night I had dinner with old USA members and I told them my dilemma because one of my friend's sisinlaw passed away one month earlier than Doris and my friend's brother who was dining with us that night also; he had her wife's urn at home without a fuss.
The discussion was raised again next day because of input from relative on USA time zone. It was serious and personal enough to warrant an audio attached to me. At 1104am the cemetery sent me a phone message to tell me our number is 551. Later I found out from the web that means we get 551th pick out of 650. So we decided to go next day to check the site. In California one in five people keep relatives remains at home http://www.cremationsocietyofphiladelphia.com/people-keep-loved-ones-ashes-home/
I had to admit work stress and relative issues were getting to me. At night Doris' Kingston pastor 盧鋼 was in town, so we had dinner with Canada alumni.
A friend and a staff member on separate occasions this week advised me to take a look at the selection site before our pick next day Friday, so younger sister and I went only to find out that our date was the last of tgree days to pick, and good spots were already taken.
Friday came and two sisters went with me to Lok Fu. It was terrible. There were few good spots left, all were top or bottom . Younger sister declared it was the last attempt because there was no guarantee of a good draw next time, and we were told the next date for news spots is unknown. Temporarily I won the tussle with younger sisters declaration, until the next time it is brought up.
Saturday was a holiday here and I met with USA alumni to comfort person over leaving pastoral ministry. The pain of and encouraging others increased my vulnerability, and it made me grieve at night on my bed before sleeping. Maybe it was the holiday effect.
On Sunday I was at my worse at leaders retreat. The song 神坐著为王 and Psalm 13 reading made me burst into uncontrollable tears:
Psalms 13:1 To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David. How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? forever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
Psalms 13:2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
The speaker's tears also hit a soft spot.
At night, however, I had a wondrous dinner and sang joyous songs of praise.
Oct 4
On Tuesday I had a disagreement with relatives about where to keep her urn, at Lok Fu or at home. One relative does not prefer it at home because the memory of the last day of Doris' life at home scared her because relative was there. Another said it is traditonal to be at cemetery. Third says dIfferent people grieve and mourn differently. My point was I can see urn daily, upkeep better, provide flowers, and greet urn daily. Further relatives go grave sites once or twice yearly. The tussle was enough to make me cry. The draw for her number to pick lots was tomorrow, Wednesday, and so the discussion was brought up. My own brother supported my idea. The irony is that they prefer their ashes scattered. At night I had dinner with old USA members and I told them my dilemma because one of my friend's sisinlaw passed away one month earlier than Doris and my friend's brother who was dining with us that night also; he had her wife's urn at home without a fuss.
The discussion was raised again next day because of input from relative on USA time zone. It was serious and personal enough to warrant an audio attached to me. At 1104am the cemetery sent me a phone message to tell me our number is 551. Later I found out from the web that means we get 551th pick out of 650. So we decided to go next day to check the site. In California one in five people keep relatives remains at home http://www.cremationsocietyofphiladelphia.com/people-keep-loved-ones-ashes-home/
I had to admit work stress and relative issues were getting to me. At night Doris' Kingston pastor 盧鋼 was in town, so we had dinner with Canada alumni.
A friend and a staff member on separate occasions this week advised me to take a look at the selection site before our pick next day Friday, so younger sister and I went only to find out that our date was the last of tgree days to pick, and good spots were already taken.
Friday came and two sisters went with me to Lok Fu. It was terrible. There were few good spots left, all were top or bottom . Younger sister declared it was the last attempt because there was no guarantee of a good draw next time, and we were told the next date for news spots is unknown. Temporarily I won the tussle with younger sisters declaration, until the next time it is brought up.
Saturday was a holiday here and I met with USA alumni to comfort person over leaving pastoral ministry. The pain of and encouraging others increased my vulnerability, and it made me grieve at night on my bed before sleeping. Maybe it was the holiday effect.
On Sunday I was at my worse at leaders retreat. The song 神坐著为王 and Psalm 13 reading made me burst into uncontrollable tears:
Psalms 13:1 To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David. How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? forever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
Psalms 13:2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
The speaker's tears also hit a soft spot.
At night, however, I had a wondrous dinner and sang joyous songs of praise.
Oct 4
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Week 18
Week eighteen is a clearer week. I met a few USA friends on holiday on the first day the week. One asked me why I prefer to stay in HK? I said, "Doris wants me here so that I can still have friends." She protested, "But we are your friends." I said, "I cannot return to the same church because your present pastor's ministry would be disrupted."
Tuesday was not a good day. A coworker prayed for me and the tears flowed. I was out of strength throughout the day until I slept at home and had dinner.
I was ok on Wednesday after my crying the day before wiped me out. Wednesday was a busy day as I had to preach again on Sunday. Praise the Lord as I managed two points.
On Thursday I had dinner with Doris alumni baby sister who is now in North America but was very close to Doris previously. She told me that one of Doris' worries was that I might not get my PR in time due her fading health, which I did November last year, her gift to me. Another alumni with her brought four packs of Kleenex, but I only used one piece. Alumni baby sister months ago told Doris she will visit her in September, but Doris said, "I don't think I can wait that long." God has His timing because alumni baby sister came just as her father celebrated his birthday but had a fall and had hip surgery when she was here.
On Friday I feverishly completed my 文法聖經 as I had to hand over the 393 pages of the New Testament grammar to the editing friend to complete the design. Self publishing is less than HK$40.
On Saturday morning dreams of Doris woke me up. There were three short sequences but the only thing I remember is her question in reply, "Wouldn't it be better for us to go somewhere quiet?" I still treasure these dreams. At noon a coworker's father had a stroke but died shortly by evening. News of his sudden death brought instant tears to my eyes. It was that effective. I couldn't help but identify and empathize with death in the family.
Sundays preaching turned out fine. I was more like sniffing than sobbing this time. I shared from Ecclesiastes 7 (better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting) and included the sharing of Doris USA nephew who decided to attend her memorial service in HK instead of attending a wedding in Alaska, where he had bought tickets and arranged accommodation:
“So the wedding was some college friends from my college fellowship and it was in Alaska. I had already bought my plane tickets and planned some living arrangements with some people. But I felt that it was better to go to the memorial service and spend time with our family. And to support and encourage you and my mom and her sisters. I had to cancel my flight to Alaska. I got some of the money back but lost some of the change fee. I don't remember but i think a few hundred. I was encouraged to see all the support for our family and all the different people that she touched with her life. I also was blessed with seeing how the service was Christ centered and reminded us that we are not yet home. Hmm I helped to support the family and went in the hearse with Auntie Doris.”
September 27
Tuesday was not a good day. A coworker prayed for me and the tears flowed. I was out of strength throughout the day until I slept at home and had dinner.
I was ok on Wednesday after my crying the day before wiped me out. Wednesday was a busy day as I had to preach again on Sunday. Praise the Lord as I managed two points.
On Thursday I had dinner with Doris alumni baby sister who is now in North America but was very close to Doris previously. She told me that one of Doris' worries was that I might not get my PR in time due her fading health, which I did November last year, her gift to me. Another alumni with her brought four packs of Kleenex, but I only used one piece. Alumni baby sister months ago told Doris she will visit her in September, but Doris said, "I don't think I can wait that long." God has His timing because alumni baby sister came just as her father celebrated his birthday but had a fall and had hip surgery when she was here.
On Friday I feverishly completed my 文法聖經 as I had to hand over the 393 pages of the New Testament grammar to the editing friend to complete the design. Self publishing is less than HK$40.
On Saturday morning dreams of Doris woke me up. There were three short sequences but the only thing I remember is her question in reply, "Wouldn't it be better for us to go somewhere quiet?" I still treasure these dreams. At noon a coworker's father had a stroke but died shortly by evening. News of his sudden death brought instant tears to my eyes. It was that effective. I couldn't help but identify and empathize with death in the family.
Sundays preaching turned out fine. I was more like sniffing than sobbing this time. I shared from Ecclesiastes 7 (better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting) and included the sharing of Doris USA nephew who decided to attend her memorial service in HK instead of attending a wedding in Alaska, where he had bought tickets and arranged accommodation:
“So the wedding was some college friends from my college fellowship and it was in Alaska. I had already bought my plane tickets and planned some living arrangements with some people. But I felt that it was better to go to the memorial service and spend time with our family. And to support and encourage you and my mom and her sisters. I had to cancel my flight to Alaska. I got some of the money back but lost some of the change fee. I don't remember but i think a few hundred. I was encouraged to see all the support for our family and all the different people that she touched with her life. I also was blessed with seeing how the service was Christ centered and reminded us that we are not yet home. Hmm I helped to support the family and went in the hearse with Auntie Doris.”
September 27
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Week 17
Week seventeen is better but not by much. Monday was a good day when I led a USA friend's father to Christ. The daughter in law told friends: 有好消息和大家分享。老公話葉牧昨日探訪其實時間很短，主要內客佢講師母離去的見証，(佢講時都眼濕濕)，同分享福音的寶貴。之前，老爺都唔係第一次聽，而且我老爺個人都幾驕傲自負。但神的作為是不可解釋的，昨晚老爺做了決志，接受了主基督救恩。感謝神的慈愛和憐憫，也感激牧師的幫助，也多謝各弟兄姊妹的多方代禱，才能見証神的大能。將榮耀頌讃都歸於我主我神，Allelujeah! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Tuesday at Men's Fellowship I was ok whole day until prayer time when the person to my left prayed for me. A brother from China said that in China family members usually paint their home or rearrange the furniture after the death of a family member, so I understand more why I cut my hair short to make a change.
On Wednesday a coworker complimented me by saying I have everything (in ministry) but it only served to trigger tears in me because I do not have Doris anymore. After less than a years break I was aggrieved to know that I was left out of a study group.
On Thursday I was invited to be the godfather to a friend of Doris who was expecting. I choked back tears knowing Doris requested It because of her love for children and her friends. It was also the event of midautumn holiday in Hong Kong. A coworker invited me to dinner. I declined his offer to give me a ride from the MTR and made my way to his home. There we had wonderful dinner with his family.
On Friday a former student asked me why my hair is so short and I told through sobs that I cut my hair two days after I got my wife's ashes back from the crematorium to reflect my grief. Otherwise I had a good lunch with a coworker to keep me occupied on a holiday. I also instinctively texted my wife, Baby how are you?
On Saturday I wrote to our former Sunday school students if they wanted a copy of Doris memorial blog gift book. About fifteen said yes. At night I had dinner with Doris sisters at Faith's place. Walking there brought back plenty of memories of our frequent travel to Tai Koo.
On Sunday a parishioner cried looking at me when I should hand with her, which made me cry too. The pastor shared how he fought nonstop with his father after his mother committed suicide in China and he had to stow away to Hong Kong to reunite with his father. His mother had taken the then there year old boy and one year old daughter to China in hope of selling the family home but suffered like all in China and killed herself.The father and son fights stopped when he found two books his father had stored, one我的前半生 talked of his earlier happier days with his wife. That made the pastor wiped tears from his eyes, and so did I thinking of my beloved Doris. After worship we had marketplace Bible study with a patchwork of Doris old application questions, but praise God it worked. One of the questions 有那些人是你看不起或鄙視的？你在禱告中會提及他們嗎？ worked so well that I have been praying for those who rejected me from the study group.
September 21, 2016
Tuesday at Men's Fellowship I was ok whole day until prayer time when the person to my left prayed for me. A brother from China said that in China family members usually paint their home or rearrange the furniture after the death of a family member, so I understand more why I cut my hair short to make a change.
On Wednesday a coworker complimented me by saying I have everything (in ministry) but it only served to trigger tears in me because I do not have Doris anymore. After less than a years break I was aggrieved to know that I was left out of a study group.
On Thursday I was invited to be the godfather to a friend of Doris who was expecting. I choked back tears knowing Doris requested It because of her love for children and her friends. It was also the event of midautumn holiday in Hong Kong. A coworker invited me to dinner. I declined his offer to give me a ride from the MTR and made my way to his home. There we had wonderful dinner with his family.
On Friday a former student asked me why my hair is so short and I told through sobs that I cut my hair two days after I got my wife's ashes back from the crematorium to reflect my grief. Otherwise I had a good lunch with a coworker to keep me occupied on a holiday. I also instinctively texted my wife, Baby how are you?
On Saturday I wrote to our former Sunday school students if they wanted a copy of Doris memorial blog gift book. About fifteen said yes. At night I had dinner with Doris sisters at Faith's place. Walking there brought back plenty of memories of our frequent travel to Tai Koo.
On Sunday a parishioner cried looking at me when I should hand with her, which made me cry too. The pastor shared how he fought nonstop with his father after his mother committed suicide in China and he had to stow away to Hong Kong to reunite with his father. His mother had taken the then there year old boy and one year old daughter to China in hope of selling the family home but suffered like all in China and killed herself.The father and son fights stopped when he found two books his father had stored, one我的前半生 talked of his earlier happier days with his wife. That made the pastor wiped tears from his eyes, and so did I thinking of my beloved Doris. After worship we had marketplace Bible study with a patchwork of Doris old application questions, but praise God it worked. One of the questions 有那些人是你看不起或鄙視的？你在禱告中會提及他們嗎？ worked so well that I have been praying for those who rejected me from the study group.
September 21, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Week 16
Week sixteen was an emotional one. On my Monday off-day tears rolled down my cheeks in the morning. Working on my 文法 Bible could not stop it. It only reminded me work cannot deny grief. Later I had lunch with Doris sisters. Walking the Central bridge reminds me of our many trips to the Macau ferry. Her sisters plan to take me to Doris' school St Paul Co-ed that day was canceled due heavy rain.
On Tuesday a coworker apologized publicly to me for neglecting me in my loss, but it only served to trigger an outburst from me. The fresh pain of losing Doris was more powerful than the neglect.
The next day I met a man from UK who was introduced by a BSF leader. He is a lawyer and he accepted Christ last year before his wife passed away recently in June and he wanted to connect with me. It was a good experience. Originally from HK, Ho shared, " Why and how do men exist ? What's the meaning of life ? How to face death ? These questions had always been in my mind. I had been searching for an answer. I went to church. I studied books on philosophy and Buddhism. I thought that I could obtain the answer by knowledge and hard work. I also thought that I could only have a religious belief only if I had fully understand and proved everything. My wife is a devoted Christian. She also served in church. I accompany my wife to church but I doubted about the preaching. Once, my wife introduced Pastor So to me. He talked about gospel , but I'm doubtful. Sometimes, I heard about witnesses and felt moved. But I would tell myself I'm being too irrational and too haste. In 2015, we knew that wife had cancer. I felt worried and helpless. I called a former running coach. I cried and said sorry to God. There had been too much pride in me. I had been doing things in my own ways. I had rejected God. Now God had forgiven me. I confirmed my belief before Pastor So."
The next day a friend revealed that he had suicidal thoughts when his mother passed away. The younger man complimented me for my rational thinking and emotional outlet.
Friday was a good day. It'd better be. My sermon was two days ahead, so i had to pick up speed and set my head straight. Praise the Lord it was almost done by day's end.
On Saturday I asked a member if i could have back Doris' journal questions from I Thessalonians to Jude that she had written in a book. She surprised me by saying she had typed all the notes. I sobbed. My plan is to preach through all the books after the current Ecclesiastes series ends. At fellowship night I was confronted by the questions Doris herself wrote in chapter three of 同作門徒：
寫下你在跟從主的路上還未能放下/撇下的人和事, 障礙是甚麼? 寫下它並為此禱告, 求神的幫助。
Sunday arrived and I ended my sermon right on time to join the annual meeting. I told the congregation of the peace I have with Doris' urn at home. The annual meeting on Sunday was inspiring. No wonder Doris was inspired last year, but I did not have same feeling then because I was not in the main hall.
September 13
On Tuesday a coworker apologized publicly to me for neglecting me in my loss, but it only served to trigger an outburst from me. The fresh pain of losing Doris was more powerful than the neglect.
The next day I met a man from UK who was introduced by a BSF leader. He is a lawyer and he accepted Christ last year before his wife passed away recently in June and he wanted to connect with me. It was a good experience. Originally from HK, Ho shared, " Why and how do men exist ? What's the meaning of life ? How to face death ? These questions had always been in my mind. I had been searching for an answer. I went to church. I studied books on philosophy and Buddhism. I thought that I could obtain the answer by knowledge and hard work. I also thought that I could only have a religious belief only if I had fully understand and proved everything. My wife is a devoted Christian. She also served in church. I accompany my wife to church but I doubted about the preaching. Once, my wife introduced Pastor So to me. He talked about gospel , but I'm doubtful. Sometimes, I heard about witnesses and felt moved. But I would tell myself I'm being too irrational and too haste. In 2015, we knew that wife had cancer. I felt worried and helpless. I called a former running coach. I cried and said sorry to God. There had been too much pride in me. I had been doing things in my own ways. I had rejected God. Now God had forgiven me. I confirmed my belief before Pastor So."
The next day a friend revealed that he had suicidal thoughts when his mother passed away. The younger man complimented me for my rational thinking and emotional outlet.
Friday was a good day. It'd better be. My sermon was two days ahead, so i had to pick up speed and set my head straight. Praise the Lord it was almost done by day's end.
On Saturday I asked a member if i could have back Doris' journal questions from I Thessalonians to Jude that she had written in a book. She surprised me by saying she had typed all the notes. I sobbed. My plan is to preach through all the books after the current Ecclesiastes series ends. At fellowship night I was confronted by the questions Doris herself wrote in chapter three of 同作門徒：
寫下你在跟從主的路上還未能放下/撇下的人和事, 障礙是甚麼? 寫下它並為此禱告, 求神的幫助。
Sunday arrived and I ended my sermon right on time to join the annual meeting. I told the congregation of the peace I have with Doris' urn at home. The annual meeting on Sunday was inspiring. No wonder Doris was inspired last year, but I did not have same feeling then because I was not in the main hall.
September 13
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Week 15
Week fifteen did not turn out better for me. Yesterday I counted my days without Doris to begin today, Monday. Tears streamed from my eyes morning and night thinking of my baby. At night I decided to cut my hair to reflect and reduce my grief. I asked the young barber, Is 3mm the shortest? He said, Can do 2mm. I said ok. After I sat down he said, Can do 0mm. I said, Next year.
I woke up next day and texted Doris, Happy 100th day in heaven! Since 100 days officially began 10pm last night I decided to skip church buffet and eat quietly, but buddy Cheng went with me. At night a pastor's kid took me to dinner. I bought a Hong Kong soccer Jersey for myself and red lilies for Doris.
On Wednesday I sobbed receiving a text from Becky:
I can see how much you love her, who wouldn't ? God is love, we love cos God loves us. I miss her too. See her someday in heaven.
On Thursday night I rearranged Doris' urn desk and the tears unexpectedly came down. I still miss her a lot, 100 days won't do. The room smells good with lilies.
On Friday I went with Doris sister and brother in law to our big fellowship. Quite a few couldn't recognize me for my hair. It was good to say hi to those who did.
The next day my first pastor from Singapore came to Hong Kong and we had breakfast. Surprisingly I was most alert that morning. 76 year old John Chang offered to take moon cakes to my mother in Singapore. At noon I had to get cracking on my sermon next week. I had put it down for months. Going home I received a text from a Chinese group I had trained ten years ago in Rome that I had reconnected with at Taiwan CCCOWE last week. To a question about a restaurant lady Doris age who learned fastest among the class, one of the leaders replied, Except for that sister who died years ago all are well 除了秀聪姐妹多年前因病已归主怀其他人都好
Sunday was a big test. Not only was our worship relocated, I was invited to kick off a group's introduction to our book同作門徒. Unfortunately I came home 6pm, and so I bought can sardines from a smaller store for dinner because I was too tired to shop.
September 6
I woke up next day and texted Doris, Happy 100th day in heaven! Since 100 days officially began 10pm last night I decided to skip church buffet and eat quietly, but buddy Cheng went with me. At night a pastor's kid took me to dinner. I bought a Hong Kong soccer Jersey for myself and red lilies for Doris.
On Wednesday I sobbed receiving a text from Becky:
I can see how much you love her, who wouldn't ? God is love, we love cos God loves us. I miss her too. See her someday in heaven.
On Thursday night I rearranged Doris' urn desk and the tears unexpectedly came down. I still miss her a lot, 100 days won't do. The room smells good with lilies.
On Friday I went with Doris sister and brother in law to our big fellowship. Quite a few couldn't recognize me for my hair. It was good to say hi to those who did.
The next day my first pastor from Singapore came to Hong Kong and we had breakfast. Surprisingly I was most alert that morning. 76 year old John Chang offered to take moon cakes to my mother in Singapore. At noon I had to get cracking on my sermon next week. I had put it down for months. Going home I received a text from a Chinese group I had trained ten years ago in Rome that I had reconnected with at Taiwan CCCOWE last week. To a question about a restaurant lady Doris age who learned fastest among the class, one of the leaders replied, Except for that sister who died years ago all are well 除了秀聪姐妹多年前因病已归主怀其他人都好
Sunday was a big test. Not only was our worship relocated, I was invited to kick off a group's introduction to our book同作門徒. Unfortunately I came home 6pm, and so I bought can sardines from a smaller store for dinner because I was too tired to shop.
September 6
Monday, August 29, 2016
Week 14
Day one of week fourteen means saying goodbye to my brother as the 華福 conference starts today. David is happy to be in Taiwan, but his living habits are hard to bear, especially his long showers. However I was glad for him to be around for a change.
On Tuesday a song at the conference Doris loved 耶和華祝福满满 brought tears to my eyes as we sang it. I could remember the last time she was playing the song on her electric piano at home. At night two coworkers and I visited Shilin night market.
The next day I was asked by my retired predecessor what my plans were for the future. I reiterated I have no plans to leave Hong Kong because of my beloved Doris. I will continue with Putonghua and my predecessor's past work. Seems like the question is on people's minds more than mine.
Alum big brother paid me a visit at the conference and took me to lunch. While eating He shared that he still had tears thinking of her mother a year after she passed away and revealed that a seminary professor cried nonstop during their lunch half a year after his spouse's death. He encouraged me with the kindest words for the book同作門徒 Doris and I wrote together. Unfortunately I lost track of time and missed my coworker's speech. I couldn't kept back the tears with Paul Lai or Mike Shen, whom I bumped into during dinner time. They are my admired spiritual elders長輩, and I was glad to meet many in Taiwan, Including Gordon Siu, Felix Liu and Philemon Choi. Coworkers called me 集郵王 for my many selfies.
On Thursday the second last day of the conference I participated in a theological group to discuss how discipleship is relevant in seminary. I remarked seminaries have church growth and spiritual formation courses, but discipleship is an optional course at best. One answer drew a sharp response from me. A seminary lecturer says flippantly, No problem we can add more spiritual formation and spiritual direction, mentor and mentee groups, meet more often. I said all these is the shell, technique, skill chemistry and dynamics, but where is the meat, what is the content and where is Bible study? It seems we are substituting spirituality and therapy for discipleship, there was no reference to God's word.
Friday was the last day of the conference. The song The Longer I Serve Him the Sweeter He Grows caused me to cry hard and loud, so much that my coworker cried with me and Philemon gave me a hug. It was a long day and a long conference but I could finish my grammar Bible by day's end.
On Saturday I was glad to go home. Reaching home I kissed Doris' urn as tears welled up my eyes and I checked the barely opened lilies I bought on my birthday that was kept in the fridge for ten days. Praise God, amazingly it was still good! I rested an hour and dashed to church for night fellowship.
On Sunday morning my emotions got the better of me when I sang two songs, the same later at campus fellowship lunch with a guest and night too when I did my prayer walk. In the afternoon I attended prestudy to check if all was well with leading our new book 同作門徒. The response was good. They like the directness of the questions.
This week will be hard for me, so I covet your prayers.
Aug 29
On Tuesday a song at the conference Doris loved 耶和華祝福满满 brought tears to my eyes as we sang it. I could remember the last time she was playing the song on her electric piano at home. At night two coworkers and I visited Shilin night market.
The next day I was asked by my retired predecessor what my plans were for the future. I reiterated I have no plans to leave Hong Kong because of my beloved Doris. I will continue with Putonghua and my predecessor's past work. Seems like the question is on people's minds more than mine.
Alum big brother paid me a visit at the conference and took me to lunch. While eating He shared that he still had tears thinking of her mother a year after she passed away and revealed that a seminary professor cried nonstop during their lunch half a year after his spouse's death. He encouraged me with the kindest words for the book同作門徒 Doris and I wrote together. Unfortunately I lost track of time and missed my coworker's speech. I couldn't kept back the tears with Paul Lai or Mike Shen, whom I bumped into during dinner time. They are my admired spiritual elders長輩, and I was glad to meet many in Taiwan, Including Gordon Siu, Felix Liu and Philemon Choi. Coworkers called me 集郵王 for my many selfies.
On Thursday the second last day of the conference I participated in a theological group to discuss how discipleship is relevant in seminary. I remarked seminaries have church growth and spiritual formation courses, but discipleship is an optional course at best. One answer drew a sharp response from me. A seminary lecturer says flippantly, No problem we can add more spiritual formation and spiritual direction, mentor and mentee groups, meet more often. I said all these is the shell, technique, skill chemistry and dynamics, but where is the meat, what is the content and where is Bible study? It seems we are substituting spirituality and therapy for discipleship, there was no reference to God's word.
Friday was the last day of the conference. The song The Longer I Serve Him the Sweeter He Grows caused me to cry hard and loud, so much that my coworker cried with me and Philemon gave me a hug. It was a long day and a long conference but I could finish my grammar Bible by day's end.
On Saturday I was glad to go home. Reaching home I kissed Doris' urn as tears welled up my eyes and I checked the barely opened lilies I bought on my birthday that was kept in the fridge for ten days. Praise God, amazingly it was still good! I rested an hour and dashed to church for night fellowship.
On Sunday morning my emotions got the better of me when I sang two songs, the same later at campus fellowship lunch with a guest and night too when I did my prayer walk. In the afternoon I attended prestudy to check if all was well with leading our new book 同作門徒. The response was good. They like the directness of the questions.
This week will be hard for me, so I covet your prayers.
Aug 29
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Week 13
Week thirteen was a down and up week because of my birthday and my coming holiday in Taiwan with my brother David and his wife. On Monday I had cold feet handing the application for her internment at Lok Fu because deep in my heart I want her urn at home, which was partly her request.
The next day was my birthday, maybe that was why I could not sleep past 1 am. My emotions in the morning was rising but not raging. Many coworkers asked me why I wore black and I answered there is no joy despite my birthday. At night I had dinner with a USA churchgoer and bought Doris her favorite lilies.
On Wednesday I had a short work breakfast with a missions group. At least I could recover after crying gently the night before I went to sleep at midnight. I also had to explain to others that the song I had uploaded to them the night before was a young twenty year old Doris singing, so I was not the backup male voice.
On Thursday I took my flight to Taiwan for a vacation with my brother before CCCOWE. Unfortunately the four and half hours turbulent flight from Malaysia and the direct mountain trip after disembarking was too much for my sister in-law, so she threw up and her body trembled, which made me think of Doris' suffering and pain.
On Friday my brother said to me, You look better with long hair. Next time do not cut it. Her wife and our Taiwan host supported me. I have been praying for their salvation.
On Saturday my sister in law still had not stop from vomiting for the third day. We rested at a convenience store for more than an hour, in Nantou but decided to risk the three hour trip to Taipei even when she was still sick. Praise God she survived the travel, sleeping throughout the trip. At night we had a decent Old Szechuan hot spot.
On Sunday I took my brother and his wife to a famous Baptist Church but the sound system spoiled everything. At night we had dinner with Taiwan members back on holiday at the same time with us and a former Taiwan member from Hong Kong. Later we went to the night market but my gums were acting up again. My brother then gave my headache a good massage and miraculously it went away!
Pray for me as I hope to finish up my book titled Grammar Bible. Pray that my headache from gum inflammation to stay away because I do not want to see a local doctor. Pray I get a good retreat, a blessed fellowship and stirring message.
Aug 23, 2016
The next day was my birthday, maybe that was why I could not sleep past 1 am. My emotions in the morning was rising but not raging. Many coworkers asked me why I wore black and I answered there is no joy despite my birthday. At night I had dinner with a USA churchgoer and bought Doris her favorite lilies.
On Wednesday I had a short work breakfast with a missions group. At least I could recover after crying gently the night before I went to sleep at midnight. I also had to explain to others that the song I had uploaded to them the night before was a young twenty year old Doris singing, so I was not the backup male voice.
On Thursday I took my flight to Taiwan for a vacation with my brother before CCCOWE. Unfortunately the four and half hours turbulent flight from Malaysia and the direct mountain trip after disembarking was too much for my sister in-law, so she threw up and her body trembled, which made me think of Doris' suffering and pain.
On Friday my brother said to me, You look better with long hair. Next time do not cut it. Her wife and our Taiwan host supported me. I have been praying for their salvation.
On Saturday my sister in law still had not stop from vomiting for the third day. We rested at a convenience store for more than an hour, in Nantou but decided to risk the three hour trip to Taipei even when she was still sick. Praise God she survived the travel, sleeping throughout the trip. At night we had a decent Old Szechuan hot spot.
On Sunday I took my brother and his wife to a famous Baptist Church but the sound system spoiled everything. At night we had dinner with Taiwan members back on holiday at the same time with us and a former Taiwan member from Hong Kong. Later we went to the night market but my gums were acting up again. My brother then gave my headache a good massage and miraculously it went away!
Pray for me as I hope to finish up my book titled Grammar Bible. Pray that my headache from gum inflammation to stay away because I do not want to see a local doctor. Pray I get a good retreat, a blessed fellowship and stirring message.
Aug 23, 2016
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Week 12
Week twelve was stable but for the weekend. On Monday morning I went to the Kowloon HK revival meeting, which was a helpful tonic to me because I try to go to the venue itself instead of the broadcast locations. I also met a lot of old friends who knew of my loss. After that I have lunch and dessert with two separate friends.
On Tuesday I gave Doris' blog address to a stranger who was crying over the phone at a cafeteria to a friend talking about cancer that hit home, but then she said to me, “Thanks, but it's my dog!”
On Wednesday I helped a coworker brush up on his Putonghua, but it took lots of effort to learn how to pronounce Q, Z, X words. I find I have more patience, compassion and understanding than before, trying to learn from my wife.
On Thursday a coworker asked if I could speak to their fellowship next month to kick off their study of our book Fellow Disciples同作門徒. Pray that the book will catch fire. It was after all Doris last book, but I do have stock of her writings.
On Friday God answered my prayer for a Saturday night sermon in October in a wondrous way. I had no heart in me to preach on Jesus’ temptation from Matt 4 that I had started. I had too much going to bother about kingdom, power and glory issues. After searching for the subject of the greatest prayers in the Bible, the related passage of Psalms 91 popped up, so I reverted instead to Luke 4 where protection of God is the climax unlike Matt 4. My struggle with Doris death can be addressed!
On Saturday I had a dream of Doris where she was anxious about taking medication and we talked about returning to University. It was just a few scenes. I also had a good time with Putonghua fellowship on the first chapter of Fellow Disciples
On Sunday I was ok but the last song changed everything. I cried louder than previous month. Like my godly wife I persevered to attend church monthly prayer meeting. At night I celebrated my birthday with the same group from last year, eating at the same restaurant, buying the same mango cake and wearing the same shirt. Linkage with past comforts grieving folks.
Pray for my trip to Taiwan on Thursday. I need to hear from God, feel His presence and have spiritual intake. Also I need a break and to connect with my brother and his wife who are joining me. Best of all, if we can attend church together.
Aug 16
On Tuesday I gave Doris' blog address to a stranger who was crying over the phone at a cafeteria to a friend talking about cancer that hit home, but then she said to me, “Thanks, but it's my dog!”
On Wednesday I helped a coworker brush up on his Putonghua, but it took lots of effort to learn how to pronounce Q, Z, X words. I find I have more patience, compassion and understanding than before, trying to learn from my wife.
On Thursday a coworker asked if I could speak to their fellowship next month to kick off their study of our book Fellow Disciples同作門徒. Pray that the book will catch fire. It was after all Doris last book, but I do have stock of her writings.
On Friday God answered my prayer for a Saturday night sermon in October in a wondrous way. I had no heart in me to preach on Jesus’ temptation from Matt 4 that I had started. I had too much going to bother about kingdom, power and glory issues. After searching for the subject of the greatest prayers in the Bible, the related passage of Psalms 91 popped up, so I reverted instead to Luke 4 where protection of God is the climax unlike Matt 4. My struggle with Doris death can be addressed!
On Saturday I had a dream of Doris where she was anxious about taking medication and we talked about returning to University. It was just a few scenes. I also had a good time with Putonghua fellowship on the first chapter of Fellow Disciples
On Sunday I was ok but the last song changed everything. I cried louder than previous month. Like my godly wife I persevered to attend church monthly prayer meeting. At night I celebrated my birthday with the same group from last year, eating at the same restaurant, buying the same mango cake and wearing the same shirt. Linkage with past comforts grieving folks.
Pray for my trip to Taiwan on Thursday. I need to hear from God, feel His presence and have spiritual intake. Also I need a break and to connect with my brother and his wife who are joining me. Best of all, if we can attend church together.
Aug 16
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Week 11
Week eleven was not an intended piece but things happen that was worth journaling, at the foremost was a dream. On Monday a USA friend and another putonghua friend wanted to have seafood with me , but rain was in the way midway due an impeding strom, so we ate oysters in a mall.
On Tuesday the level 8 typhoon touched down trapped all at home until it was lifted at 1245pm, so I had to return for 3pm meeting. A song touched me in our prayer meeting. I could not pray and another cried with me. The alarmed pastor invited me to dinner.
Wednesday I woke up to a vivid dream of Doris sitting by our enclosed balcony window sitting in an upright position on our mattress with her back against the wall and her feet halfway raised to her chest. She looked scared as she retreated to the corner to pray. I related the dream to some coworkers. It was a warm dream and the real Doris I know. Each time she appears I gladly feel her again. There is no fear or fuss in love.
On Thursday I received a morning text from Doris' close friend telling me how much Doris was a blessing, a sister and a help to her when the friend was hospitalized, going to see the friend in need even when Doris was not well. Tears rolled down my eyes when I pictured the scene.
On Friday I had to work twice as hard as my Ecclesiastes 5 sermon was two days away. By 6pm I had finished the three points but was still short one illustration. At night I joined Couples Fellowship for the live broadcast of Revival Meeting.
On Saturday the illustration came to me, using Doris' final message to Couples prestudy group months ago: "I still need you to be on watch (for me), as the passage reminds us today. I have previously shared with others to share, I'm very scared that in sickness and pain I would blame God, because sometimes you don’t think you would, but how would you actually respond? So this passage reminds us not to be like Peter to face it alone, it’s best with prayer and support from brothers and sisters, not only directed to me, but also for fellowship brothers and sisters to establish a watch group for all. My situation is that my pain has really increased. Because sometimes you know pain can diminish a person's will, make the person go downhill, but I will continue to rely on the Lord. Victor and I are daily praying, to commit ourselves to God s. No matter God's plan, I have to believe that God's plan is good. Thus, on the one hand I am positively readying myself to face God; but I still believe God can heal us, because the two is, like I shared with a friend yesterday, like a paradox, but I really think you need both, because God can always heal us even in a delay, because we remember in Lazarus story there to be a delay. But no matter what we must believe that the Lord can resurrect you, either in this life, or in the future, so we often pray in this manner, that is to be ready in both moods. I am happy I can be here today. If my mind is up to it, I will do my best to come to monitor you so you won’t be long-winded. (Sept 5, 2016)
On Sunday all's well that ends well. Ecclesiastes 5 was just about right. I gave the benediction the normal way after ten shaky ones. At night I accepted a dinner invitation from my neighbor for the first time in ten weeks. I also decided to preach on Jesus temptation in the wilderness after rejecting it as meaningless when Doris passed away, but then I read an article saying the related passage of Psalm 91 is one of ten great prayers in the Bible, so I reinstated it.
Praise the Lord for His goodness and guidance in grief and grievances!
Aug 9, 2016
On Tuesday the level 8 typhoon touched down trapped all at home until it was lifted at 1245pm, so I had to return for 3pm meeting. A song touched me in our prayer meeting. I could not pray and another cried with me. The alarmed pastor invited me to dinner.
Wednesday I woke up to a vivid dream of Doris sitting by our enclosed balcony window sitting in an upright position on our mattress with her back against the wall and her feet halfway raised to her chest. She looked scared as she retreated to the corner to pray. I related the dream to some coworkers. It was a warm dream and the real Doris I know. Each time she appears I gladly feel her again. There is no fear or fuss in love.
On Thursday I received a morning text from Doris' close friend telling me how much Doris was a blessing, a sister and a help to her when the friend was hospitalized, going to see the friend in need even when Doris was not well. Tears rolled down my eyes when I pictured the scene.
On Friday I had to work twice as hard as my Ecclesiastes 5 sermon was two days away. By 6pm I had finished the three points but was still short one illustration. At night I joined Couples Fellowship for the live broadcast of Revival Meeting.
On Saturday the illustration came to me, using Doris' final message to Couples prestudy group months ago: "I still need you to be on watch (for me), as the passage reminds us today. I have previously shared with others to share, I'm very scared that in sickness and pain I would blame God, because sometimes you don’t think you would, but how would you actually respond? So this passage reminds us not to be like Peter to face it alone, it’s best with prayer and support from brothers and sisters, not only directed to me, but also for fellowship brothers and sisters to establish a watch group for all. My situation is that my pain has really increased. Because sometimes you know pain can diminish a person's will, make the person go downhill, but I will continue to rely on the Lord. Victor and I are daily praying, to commit ourselves to God s. No matter God's plan, I have to believe that God's plan is good. Thus, on the one hand I am positively readying myself to face God; but I still believe God can heal us, because the two is, like I shared with a friend yesterday, like a paradox, but I really think you need both, because God can always heal us even in a delay, because we remember in Lazarus story there to be a delay. But no matter what we must believe that the Lord can resurrect you, either in this life, or in the future, so we often pray in this manner, that is to be ready in both moods. I am happy I can be here today. If my mind is up to it, I will do my best to come to monitor you so you won’t be long-winded. (Sept 5, 2016)
On Sunday all's well that ends well. Ecclesiastes 5 was just about right. I gave the benediction the normal way after ten shaky ones. At night I accepted a dinner invitation from my neighbor for the first time in ten weeks. I also decided to preach on Jesus temptation in the wilderness after rejecting it as meaningless when Doris passed away, but then I read an article saying the related passage of Psalm 91 is one of ten great prayers in the Bible, so I reinstated it.
Praise the Lord for His goodness and guidance in grief and grievances!
Aug 9, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Week 10
Week ten ends with our wedding anniversary, the perfect day to end my journal. It coincides with the completion of the first English draft of Doris study questions in our book and reading the final chapter of a book In Doris' collection. The archives are on my blog http://etransplant.blogspot.com.
I might share her devotions later.
On Monday morning I finally completed the first draft translating Doris Bible study questions from Fellow Disciples 同作門徒, a task she had begun up to chapter eight, one third through the book. It was important to me to print it in as many languages because we both believed in discipleship, the book and multiplying resources. At noon I went in Doris' place to join her childhood schoolmates for monthly lunch. Doris was most comfortable with them, always remembering them as the kids they were. She would either try to join them for lunch before leaving for Macau or return on the day of lunch. After that I made my half hour speaking debut at the book fair to introduce our book 同作門徒. It was quite a big deal when I realized later we were the only invited book author featured by our publishers. At night I had dinner at a co-worker's place.
Tuesday was a busy day in a busy week as I began putting together Psalm 102 A Prayer of the Afflicted. I managed to wrap up two points on a sermon I began months ago. At night I was thrown off by a remark the local supermarket cashier said, "Haven't seen your wife for a long time." Recovering my composure I replied, "My wife passed away more than two months ago." She continued, "I saw she was getting better." The tears welled up to my eyeballs but held off from dropping. When I reached home, I told Doris, "I'm sorry I could not do better."
On Wednesday morning I was emotional thinking of a memorial to the "rest area" dream Doris had when she passed without fear through a long dark tunnel to find a rest area on the other side. I started translating my Sunday sermon to Chinese before my noon meeting. Work really can occupy one's mind.
On Thursday I met a USA friend for lunch before I put in more time on the sermon, thinking I could work from home next day, but I got a call to come in for work lunch the next day. I was happy this week for the third night in a row I got to do my 45 minutes prayer walk in contrast to one night last week.
On Friday I finished up my sermon by noon, and I was happy as a lark. This week I confessed to a coworker that I realized I am lost too. It happened when I realized I could not think of what to preach in October in place of the temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 that I had planned to do but it was no longer meaningful to me. No wonder "loss" is close to "lost."
On Saturday, the Eve of our anniversary, the tears kept coming. It began when the Taiwan host who offered lodging to me and two other workers on Aug 22-26 asked if I need lodging before conference since I will be there five days earlier for a needed holiday. When I said my brother will be joining me and so I have booked a hotel, the answer sounded I was so alone to have need for my brother with me. I texted coworkers in my chat group and four cheered me up. After a drink I went to cut my hair for tomorrow's anniversary. I asked the barber, What mm can I cut to without going bald? He answered, 3, 6, 9, 12 . I chose 3. It was so short I could feel a breeze on my head, even two Putonghua fellowship members jumped on their feet and opened their arms to embrace their pastor. At night the tears returned to remind me it's not over.
On Sunday I finished reading the last chapter of Living Beyond Loss (Walsh), the most helpful book for me to understand more about death, loss, separation, religiosity, blame, shame and guilt. At noon I finally delivered my sermon with some tears, not overdone, which I am thankful. I prepared for the big day by asking our friend Dr Kwan, who previously took Doris and I for bird-watching, to take me bird-watching. Doris liked it so much she bought a pair of binoculars. Along with good friend Hartman we went to Tat Mun 塔門 to watch terns and later at Sai Kung to watch eagles near the pier and had dinner there. Thankful for friends. I had no time to pine that night.
Pray for my coming sermon on Ecclesiastes 5 this Sunday. The hardest chapters from one to four is over, but I have time constraints. A series like this is better so I do not have to rack my brain thinking what's next.
So ends ten weeks, no longer than Israel's mourning for Jacob (Gen 50:3). The death of a spouse is the biggest stressor in life, 100 points according to experts, more than divorce (73 points), jail or death of a close family member (both 63 points) and personal injury or illness (53 points).
It's not that I am ready to move on. I often tell others my hair cut only means I am changed (passive voice), not I have changed. I will never be the same. There is more to go and grow, by faith. It is a process I got to process. I have started memorizing a Psalm verse from anniversary day on. It is a good way to focus, not forget. After ten weeks I can work like normal, but that's not what I want. The best is to pray, like my dear wife always said. Also, pray for my bearing, landing and footing in this experience.
Below are seven new songs from Doris:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
Truly, blessed are those who mourn!
Victor葉福成 Aug 2, 2016
第十個禮拜以我們的結婚週年作為終結，是這篇日誌告一段落的完美日子。很凑巧，我完成了我們書中的查經問題的英文版第一稿，也正好看完 Doris 藏書其中一本的最後一章。日誌存檔在我的博客上 http://etransplant.blogspot.hk
稍後我可能會分享她的靈修。
禮拜一早上，我終於完成了翻譯 Doris 的「同作門徒」查經問題的第一稿，這是她早前已經開始的一項工作，已經翻譯到第八章，是整本書的三分之一。對我來說，將這書翻譯成更多的語言非常重要，因為我們兩人都堅信門徒訓練、這本書以及資源倍增。中午，我去參加了 Doris 童年的校友每月一次的午餐聚會，Doris 和她們在一起的時候最自然，還一直記得她們都是兒童時的情景。以前她總是盡量去澳門之前，或者午餐那天回港參加。之後，我為介紹新書「同作門徒」的面世，在書展演講了半個小時，原來這是蠻大的一件事，後來我才知道，我是唯一被出版商從外邀請做新書介紹的作者。晚上我在一位同事家吃飯。
禮拜二，忙碌的一周中忙碌的一天，因為我要開始把詩篇102（困苦人的禱告）資料集中起來，基於我數月前開始準備的一篇講道內容，我總結出兩大點。晚上，我被家附近超級市場一位收銀員的話打亂了，「很久沒有見到你太太了。」 冷靜下來之後，我回答她：「我太太已經去世兩個多月了。」她繼續說：「 我看她好像慢慢好轉了。」眼淚充滿了我的眼睛，但沒有掉下來。回到家的時候，我告訴 Doris :「對不起，我沒能做得更好。」
禮拜三早上，當我想到 Doris 曾經做過的一個「休息處」的夢， 情緒開始起伏。在夢裡，她無懼地走過一條又黑又長的隧道，成功在隧道的另一端找到一個可以休息的地方 (rest area)。中午開會前，我開始將禮拜天的講章翻譯成中文。工作實在可以大大佔據一個人的精神。
禮拜四，我和一個美國來的朋友一起吃午飯，然後再準備講章，打算第二天可以在家工作，可是接到一個電話，通知我第二天回來有工作午餐。我很開心，這個禮拜連續三晚有45分鐘的禱告散步，對比上週只有一晚。
禮拜五中午，我完成了講道的準備工作，開心得像一隻小鳥。這個禮拜我向一位同工坦白承認，我覺得自己也迷失了 。當我意識到自己不知道十月講道要講什麼，去代替馬太福音第四章中有關耶穌受試探，本來我打算這樣做，但現在對我來說，那章信息不再有意義。難怪「損失 loss」 和「迷失lost」兩字是那麼接近。
禮拜六，我們結婚週年的前夕，我的眼淚繼續不斷地流。台灣那邊8月22-26日華福大會期間提供住宿給我和另外兩個同工的主辦者， 知道我會提早五天到台灣，問我會議之前需不需要住宿安排。當我告訴他們，我的哥哥會和我一起度假，所以我已經訂了酒店，這回答聽起來我極度孤獨，所以需要哥哥陪伴我。我發短信給同事的群組，有四位同事回覆了，想讓我打氣。喝了杯東西之後，我為明天的結婚週年去理髮。我問理髮師，除了剃光頭，我可以有什麼長度mm選擇。他回答3mm，6mm，9mm，12mm。我選了3。非常短，以至於我感到一陣風在頭上，甚至兩個普通話團友驚訝得跳起來，來擁抱他們的牧師。到了晚上，眼淚再一次提醒我，哀傷還沒有過去。
禮拜天，我看完了 Living Beyond Loss (Walsh) 的最後一章，這是一本對我極有幫助的書，令我更了解死亡、失去、分離、宗教、怪責、羞恥和內疚。中午，我最終在講道的時候掉了眼淚，但算不過分，我很感恩。為了準備這個大日子， 我請我們的朋友關醫生帶我去觀鳥，以前他曾經帶過 Doris 和我去觀鳥。 Doris 非常喜歡，還買了一副望遠鏡。加上好朋友 Hartman 一起，我們去了塔門看燕鷗，再去西貢碼頭附近看鷹，然後在那裡吃晚飯。感激朋友們，那天晚上我沒有時間去懷念。
請為我這個禮拜天講道「傳道書」第五章禱告。最難的第一章到第四章已經過了，但現在我有時間方面的限制，這種系列性的講道還好一點，我不必絞盡腦汁思想下一篇要講什麼。也請為我經歷的方向，途徑和落腳起到。
十個禮拜結束了，沒有以色列為雅各哀哭的時間長，「薰屍的常例是四十天；那四十天滿了，埃及人為他哀哭了七十天。」（創50：3）。配偶離世是人生中最大的壓力來源，根據專家，有100分，比離婚（73分），坐牢或者近親離世（63分），身體受傷或疾病（53分）都要大。
這不是說，我已經準備好繼續前進了。我告訴別人，剪短髮只是代表我被改變了（被動式），不代表我已經改變了，我將永遠不再一樣了。憑著信心，還將有更多的經歷和成長，這是我必須分析(process)的過程 (process)。從結婚紀念日起，我開始每天背一段詩篇， 這是一個很好的方法去集中精神，而不是去忘記事情。十個禮拜之後，我可以如常工作，可是那並非我所想要的。 「禱告才是最好的」， 正如我親愛的妻子時常說的。
以下有七首Doris分享的詩歌：
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
的確，哀慟的人有福了！
Victor葉福成 Aug 2, 2016
I might share her devotions later.
On Monday morning I finally completed the first draft translating Doris Bible study questions from Fellow Disciples 同作門徒, a task she had begun up to chapter eight, one third through the book. It was important to me to print it in as many languages because we both believed in discipleship, the book and multiplying resources. At noon I went in Doris' place to join her childhood schoolmates for monthly lunch. Doris was most comfortable with them, always remembering them as the kids they were. She would either try to join them for lunch before leaving for Macau or return on the day of lunch. After that I made my half hour speaking debut at the book fair to introduce our book 同作門徒. It was quite a big deal when I realized later we were the only invited book author featured by our publishers. At night I had dinner at a co-worker's place.
Tuesday was a busy day in a busy week as I began putting together Psalm 102 A Prayer of the Afflicted. I managed to wrap up two points on a sermon I began months ago. At night I was thrown off by a remark the local supermarket cashier said, "Haven't seen your wife for a long time." Recovering my composure I replied, "My wife passed away more than two months ago." She continued, "I saw she was getting better." The tears welled up to my eyeballs but held off from dropping. When I reached home, I told Doris, "I'm sorry I could not do better."
On Wednesday morning I was emotional thinking of a memorial to the "rest area" dream Doris had when she passed without fear through a long dark tunnel to find a rest area on the other side. I started translating my Sunday sermon to Chinese before my noon meeting. Work really can occupy one's mind.
On Thursday I met a USA friend for lunch before I put in more time on the sermon, thinking I could work from home next day, but I got a call to come in for work lunch the next day. I was happy this week for the third night in a row I got to do my 45 minutes prayer walk in contrast to one night last week.
On Friday I finished up my sermon by noon, and I was happy as a lark. This week I confessed to a coworker that I realized I am lost too. It happened when I realized I could not think of what to preach in October in place of the temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 that I had planned to do but it was no longer meaningful to me. No wonder "loss" is close to "lost."
On Saturday, the Eve of our anniversary, the tears kept coming. It began when the Taiwan host who offered lodging to me and two other workers on Aug 22-26 asked if I need lodging before conference since I will be there five days earlier for a needed holiday. When I said my brother will be joining me and so I have booked a hotel, the answer sounded I was so alone to have need for my brother with me. I texted coworkers in my chat group and four cheered me up. After a drink I went to cut my hair for tomorrow's anniversary. I asked the barber, What mm can I cut to without going bald? He answered, 3, 6, 9, 12 . I chose 3. It was so short I could feel a breeze on my head, even two Putonghua fellowship members jumped on their feet and opened their arms to embrace their pastor. At night the tears returned to remind me it's not over.
On Sunday I finished reading the last chapter of Living Beyond Loss (Walsh), the most helpful book for me to understand more about death, loss, separation, religiosity, blame, shame and guilt. At noon I finally delivered my sermon with some tears, not overdone, which I am thankful. I prepared for the big day by asking our friend Dr Kwan, who previously took Doris and I for bird-watching, to take me bird-watching. Doris liked it so much she bought a pair of binoculars. Along with good friend Hartman we went to Tat Mun 塔門 to watch terns and later at Sai Kung to watch eagles near the pier and had dinner there. Thankful for friends. I had no time to pine that night.
Pray for my coming sermon on Ecclesiastes 5 this Sunday. The hardest chapters from one to four is over, but I have time constraints. A series like this is better so I do not have to rack my brain thinking what's next.
So ends ten weeks, no longer than Israel's mourning for Jacob (Gen 50:3). The death of a spouse is the biggest stressor in life, 100 points according to experts, more than divorce (73 points), jail or death of a close family member (both 63 points) and personal injury or illness (53 points).
It's not that I am ready to move on. I often tell others my hair cut only means I am changed (passive voice), not I have changed. I will never be the same. There is more to go and grow, by faith. It is a process I got to process. I have started memorizing a Psalm verse from anniversary day on. It is a good way to focus, not forget. After ten weeks I can work like normal, but that's not what I want. The best is to pray, like my dear wife always said. Also, pray for my bearing, landing and footing in this experience.
Below are seven new songs from Doris:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
Truly, blessed are those who mourn!
Victor葉福成 Aug 2, 2016
第十個禮拜以我們的結婚週年作為終結，是這篇日誌告一段落的完美日子。很凑巧，我完成了我們書中的查經問題的英文版第一稿，也正好看完 Doris 藏書其中一本的最後一章。日誌存檔在我的博客上 http://etransplant.blogspot.hk
稍後我可能會分享她的靈修。
禮拜一早上，我終於完成了翻譯 Doris 的「同作門徒」查經問題的第一稿，這是她早前已經開始的一項工作，已經翻譯到第八章，是整本書的三分之一。對我來說，將這書翻譯成更多的語言非常重要，因為我們兩人都堅信門徒訓練、這本書以及資源倍增。中午，我去參加了 Doris 童年的校友每月一次的午餐聚會，Doris 和她們在一起的時候最自然，還一直記得她們都是兒童時的情景。以前她總是盡量去澳門之前，或者午餐那天回港參加。之後，我為介紹新書「同作門徒」的面世，在書展演講了半個小時，原來這是蠻大的一件事，後來我才知道，我是唯一被出版商從外邀請做新書介紹的作者。晚上我在一位同事家吃飯。
禮拜二，忙碌的一周中忙碌的一天，因為我要開始把詩篇102（困苦人的禱告）資料集中起來，基於我數月前開始準備的一篇講道內容，我總結出兩大點。晚上，我被家附近超級市場一位收銀員的話打亂了，「很久沒有見到你太太了。」 冷靜下來之後，我回答她：「我太太已經去世兩個多月了。」她繼續說：「 我看她好像慢慢好轉了。」眼淚充滿了我的眼睛，但沒有掉下來。回到家的時候，我告訴 Doris :「對不起，我沒能做得更好。」
禮拜三早上，當我想到 Doris 曾經做過的一個「休息處」的夢， 情緒開始起伏。在夢裡，她無懼地走過一條又黑又長的隧道，成功在隧道的另一端找到一個可以休息的地方 (rest area)。中午開會前，我開始將禮拜天的講章翻譯成中文。工作實在可以大大佔據一個人的精神。
禮拜四，我和一個美國來的朋友一起吃午飯，然後再準備講章，打算第二天可以在家工作，可是接到一個電話，通知我第二天回來有工作午餐。我很開心，這個禮拜連續三晚有45分鐘的禱告散步，對比上週只有一晚。
禮拜五中午，我完成了講道的準備工作，開心得像一隻小鳥。這個禮拜我向一位同工坦白承認，我覺得自己也迷失了 。當我意識到自己不知道十月講道要講什麼，去代替馬太福音第四章中有關耶穌受試探，本來我打算這樣做，但現在對我來說，那章信息不再有意義。難怪「損失 loss」 和「迷失lost」兩字是那麼接近。
禮拜六，我們結婚週年的前夕，我的眼淚繼續不斷地流。台灣那邊8月22-26日華福大會期間提供住宿給我和另外兩個同工的主辦者， 知道我會提早五天到台灣，問我會議之前需不需要住宿安排。當我告訴他們，我的哥哥會和我一起度假，所以我已經訂了酒店，這回答聽起來我極度孤獨，所以需要哥哥陪伴我。我發短信給同事的群組，有四位同事回覆了，想讓我打氣。喝了杯東西之後，我為明天的結婚週年去理髮。我問理髮師，除了剃光頭，我可以有什麼長度mm選擇。他回答3mm，6mm，9mm，12mm。我選了3。非常短，以至於我感到一陣風在頭上，甚至兩個普通話團友驚訝得跳起來，來擁抱他們的牧師。到了晚上，眼淚再一次提醒我，哀傷還沒有過去。
禮拜天，我看完了 Living Beyond Loss (Walsh) 的最後一章，這是一本對我極有幫助的書，令我更了解死亡、失去、分離、宗教、怪責、羞恥和內疚。中午，我最終在講道的時候掉了眼淚，但算不過分，我很感恩。為了準備這個大日子， 我請我們的朋友關醫生帶我去觀鳥，以前他曾經帶過 Doris 和我去觀鳥。 Doris 非常喜歡，還買了一副望遠鏡。加上好朋友 Hartman 一起，我們去了塔門看燕鷗，再去西貢碼頭附近看鷹，然後在那裡吃晚飯。感激朋友們，那天晚上我沒有時間去懷念。
請為我這個禮拜天講道「傳道書」第五章禱告。最難的第一章到第四章已經過了，但現在我有時間方面的限制，這種系列性的講道還好一點，我不必絞盡腦汁思想下一篇要講什麼。也請為我經歷的方向，途徑和落腳起到。
十個禮拜結束了，沒有以色列為雅各哀哭的時間長，「薰屍的常例是四十天；那四十天滿了，埃及人為他哀哭了七十天。」（創50：3）。配偶離世是人生中最大的壓力來源，根據專家，有100分，比離婚（73分），坐牢或者近親離世（63分），身體受傷或疾病（53分）都要大。
這不是說，我已經準備好繼續前進了。我告訴別人，剪短髮只是代表我被改變了（被動式），不代表我已經改變了，我將永遠不再一樣了。憑著信心，還將有更多的經歷和成長，這是我必須分析(process)的過程 (process)。從結婚紀念日起，我開始每天背一段詩篇， 這是一個很好的方法去集中精神，而不是去忘記事情。十個禮拜之後，我可以如常工作，可是那並非我所想要的。 「禱告才是最好的」， 正如我親愛的妻子時常說的。
以下有七首Doris分享的詩歌：
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
的確，哀慟的人有福了！
Victor葉福成 Aug 2, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Week 9
Week nine was marked by a stable turnaround and a shock tumble. A turnaround because I could focus on mornings and afternoons. I had no choice because work and talk were piling up. On Monday day off I had to return to office to finalize my night talk for Monday night couples fellowship. Doris and I did a talk for them last year and doing it alone brought memories and tears.
On Tuesday night a former Macau student came to pick up books from Doris collection to be given to former students for resources. Like Doris before, I prepared dinner for the student before sending him on the way after dinner that was served after 8pm. It was day one of meeting Doris' students or friends this week.
Wednesday morning was a disaster because I met an overseas-bound former coworker on a bus. The emotions could not be bottled up again. Now I found the fourth trigger besides familiar faces, religious services and public holidays- saying goodbye. Now I understand why children feel abandoned and vulnerable with divorce and death in the family. It was day two of meeting old friends as I took Doris' former USA Sunday school student on a mission trip to Hong Kong for dinner
On Thursday night I had dinner with Doris‘ sisters after a three weeks absence since eldest sister left. I suspect eldest sister made the dinner possible after understanding how sad I was last week. Thursday was a good day because I finally completed my travel arrangements for my mid-August Taiwan trip. Doris dearly wanted me to attend the CCCOWE conference there. My brother will join me a few days earlier for a needed holiday. On a happy note, my Putonghua colleagues will join me at the Conference. One of the four regular questions I faced recently was, "Are you taking a holiday?" (Others include Are you going to change ministry, Are you moving out of your house, and Are you returning to USA? ) It was also day one of three meetings with Doris’ students, childhood and college friends.
Friday I attended Couples Fellowship that Doris had led in Bible study that resulted in the book Fellow Disciples. I was roped into the praise team upon arrival and barely survived the lyrics of one song. It was good facing old friends, especially with my high crowd discomfort level nowadays.
On Saturday, the occasion of Doris' second month of departure, my inflamed gums woke me up at 3 am. I immediately empathized with the pain, suffering and discomfort Doris felt since last year. I went to the doctor and got antibiotics that worked instantly. For lunch, it was day three joining this time Doris' Kingston friends. At night I boiled some barley with herbs that a friend on the way to a Chinese doctor bought for me.
Sunday was an unexpected meltdown when the last hymn was played:“ I know my Redeemer lives and on that latter day He will stand on the earth." I could not stop weeping thinking of the day to come. Nevertheless I helped the Putonghua fellowship pre-study to lead the first two chapters of the book. Now I am more experienced and can offer kickoff and lead two opening studies for other interested groups. After the study the feelings did not disappear, so I went up our local hilltop and then to the old pier to watch the sun set. When the last glimpse of the sun disappears I muttered, "No, don't go." It was another thing I could not let go. I really missed my baby.
Please pray for my coming Sunday noontime sermon. It will be an emotional one because I picked Psalm 102 Prayer of the Afflicted many months before. After that some friends will take me bird-watching to remember Doris on a sentimental date.
Here is a Doris favorite, Embrace the Cross
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=kq8JW_7ZKos
Victor 葉福成 Jul 26
第九個禮拜可分為由穩步好轉到一個震驚。好轉是因為我可以在上下午都比較集中精神，我沒有其他選擇 - 工作和講座 漸漸堆積如山。禮拜一放假的日子，我需要回去工作，完成晚上的夫婦團契的講座。 Doris 和我去年曾為他們舉辦過一個講座，現在由我一個人來講，勾起不少回憶和眼淚。
禮拜二晚上，Doris 在澳門的一位學生過來拿書，帶回去給以前的學生們作為參考資源。正如以前 Doris 一樣，我為那位學生準備了晚餐，我們8點之後開始吃飯，之後送他離開。這個禮拜這是第一次見到 Doris 的學生或朋友。
禮拜三早上對我來說是個大禍 - 我在公車上遇見一位往國外的舊同工。情緒無法壓抑， 再次爆發了出來。除了熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式和節假日，我發現了第四個觸發情緒的因素， 那就是道別。現在我明白，為什麼當父母離異或者親人去世的時候，孩子們會覺得被遺棄，以及感到脆弱，容易受傷害。同一星期第二次遇見老朋友，Doris 以前在美國的主日學學生來香港短宣，我帶她去吃晚飯。
星期四晚上我和 Doris 的姐姐們一起吃晚飯，我們已經三個禮拜自從大姐回美國後沒有見面。我猜這是大姐安排的飯聚， 因為她知道上個禮拜我非常難過。禮拜四是不錯的一天，我終於完成了八月中台灣之行的安排。 Doris 希望我能參加在那裡所舉行的華福大會。我哥哥在會議之前會去台灣陪我幾天，我實在需要放一個假。令人開心的是，我的普通話同工們會和我一起參加會議。最近我經常面對四個問題， 其中一個是：「你會放假嗎？這一星期內分我別三次遇見Doris的學生、兒時朋友以及大學朋友。（其他三個問題包括，你會否做其他事工？你會否搬家？你會否回美國？）
禮拜五我參加了五伉夫婦團契的大組，Doris 曾經帶領他們查經，結果寫下了「同作門徒」這本書。一到團契我便被邀請參加敬拜隊。見到老朋友們真好，特別是如今我有高度的「人群不適」的感覺。
禮拜六，Doris 離開兩個月之際， 凌晨三點，牙齦發炎把我痛醒。我立即覺得與 Doris 自去年起所受的疼痛、苦楚和不適感同身受。我去看了醫生，吃了些抗生素，馬上見效。午餐和 Doris Kingston 的朋友們一起吃，是這禮拜第三次見到 Doris 的朋友。晚上我㷛了薏米和一些中藥喝，是一位朋友去看中醫的時候買給我的。
禮拜天崇拜， 當唱到最後一首詩歌時，我毫無預料地崩潰了： 「我知道我的救贖主活著，當號角響起的那一天，我將見祂榮光之面」，想著那一天的到來，我無法停止哭泣。我比一個月前並沒有好轉，但我還是幫助普通話團契準備預查「同作門徒」的第一、第二章。現在我多了經驗，包括星期六晚的同作門徒介紹，可以做開場白，並且帶領其他有興趣的大組介紹和小組頭兩章的查經。預查之後， 感覺還是沒有消失，於是我走去家附近的山頂，然後再走去舊碼頭看日落，當太陽的最後的一瞥消失的時候，我輕聲說:「不要，不要走。」這是另一件我無法放手的經驗。我真好想念我寶貝。
請為我這個禮拜天午堂的講道禱告，那將會是情緒化的一篇道，多個月之前我選了詩篇102篇（困苦人發昏的時候，在耶和華面前吐露苦情的禱告。）講完道之後，有朋友會帶我去觀鳥，在這傷感的日子紀念 Doris。
以下是Doris一首喜歡的歌 Embrace the Cross https://youtu.be/kq8JW_7ZKos
On Tuesday night a former Macau student came to pick up books from Doris collection to be given to former students for resources. Like Doris before, I prepared dinner for the student before sending him on the way after dinner that was served after 8pm. It was day one of meeting Doris' students or friends this week.
Wednesday morning was a disaster because I met an overseas-bound former coworker on a bus. The emotions could not be bottled up again. Now I found the fourth trigger besides familiar faces, religious services and public holidays- saying goodbye. Now I understand why children feel abandoned and vulnerable with divorce and death in the family. It was day two of meeting old friends as I took Doris' former USA Sunday school student on a mission trip to Hong Kong for dinner
On Thursday night I had dinner with Doris‘ sisters after a three weeks absence since eldest sister left. I suspect eldest sister made the dinner possible after understanding how sad I was last week. Thursday was a good day because I finally completed my travel arrangements for my mid-August Taiwan trip. Doris dearly wanted me to attend the CCCOWE conference there. My brother will join me a few days earlier for a needed holiday. On a happy note, my Putonghua colleagues will join me at the Conference. One of the four regular questions I faced recently was, "Are you taking a holiday?" (Others include Are you going to change ministry, Are you moving out of your house, and Are you returning to USA? ) It was also day one of three meetings with Doris’ students, childhood and college friends.
Friday I attended Couples Fellowship that Doris had led in Bible study that resulted in the book Fellow Disciples. I was roped into the praise team upon arrival and barely survived the lyrics of one song. It was good facing old friends, especially with my high crowd discomfort level nowadays.
On Saturday, the occasion of Doris' second month of departure, my inflamed gums woke me up at 3 am. I immediately empathized with the pain, suffering and discomfort Doris felt since last year. I went to the doctor and got antibiotics that worked instantly. For lunch, it was day three joining this time Doris' Kingston friends. At night I boiled some barley with herbs that a friend on the way to a Chinese doctor bought for me.
Sunday was an unexpected meltdown when the last hymn was played:“ I know my Redeemer lives and on that latter day He will stand on the earth." I could not stop weeping thinking of the day to come. Nevertheless I helped the Putonghua fellowship pre-study to lead the first two chapters of the book. Now I am more experienced and can offer kickoff and lead two opening studies for other interested groups. After the study the feelings did not disappear, so I went up our local hilltop and then to the old pier to watch the sun set. When the last glimpse of the sun disappears I muttered, "No, don't go." It was another thing I could not let go. I really missed my baby.
Please pray for my coming Sunday noontime sermon. It will be an emotional one because I picked Psalm 102 Prayer of the Afflicted many months before. After that some friends will take me bird-watching to remember Doris on a sentimental date.
Here is a Doris favorite, Embrace the Cross
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=kq8JW_7ZKos
Victor 葉福成 Jul 26
第九個禮拜可分為由穩步好轉到一個震驚。好轉是因為我可以在上下午都比較集中精神，我沒有其他選擇 - 工作和講座 漸漸堆積如山。禮拜一放假的日子，我需要回去工作，完成晚上的夫婦團契的講座。 Doris 和我去年曾為他們舉辦過一個講座，現在由我一個人來講，勾起不少回憶和眼淚。
禮拜二晚上，Doris 在澳門的一位學生過來拿書，帶回去給以前的學生們作為參考資源。正如以前 Doris 一樣，我為那位學生準備了晚餐，我們8點之後開始吃飯，之後送他離開。這個禮拜這是第一次見到 Doris 的學生或朋友。
禮拜三早上對我來說是個大禍 - 我在公車上遇見一位往國外的舊同工。情緒無法壓抑， 再次爆發了出來。除了熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式和節假日，我發現了第四個觸發情緒的因素， 那就是道別。現在我明白，為什麼當父母離異或者親人去世的時候，孩子們會覺得被遺棄，以及感到脆弱，容易受傷害。同一星期第二次遇見老朋友，Doris 以前在美國的主日學學生來香港短宣，我帶她去吃晚飯。
星期四晚上我和 Doris 的姐姐們一起吃晚飯，我們已經三個禮拜自從大姐回美國後沒有見面。我猜這是大姐安排的飯聚， 因為她知道上個禮拜我非常難過。禮拜四是不錯的一天，我終於完成了八月中台灣之行的安排。 Doris 希望我能參加在那裡所舉行的華福大會。我哥哥在會議之前會去台灣陪我幾天，我實在需要放一個假。令人開心的是，我的普通話同工們會和我一起參加會議。最近我經常面對四個問題， 其中一個是：「你會放假嗎？這一星期內分我別三次遇見Doris的學生、兒時朋友以及大學朋友。（其他三個問題包括，你會否做其他事工？你會否搬家？你會否回美國？）
禮拜五我參加了五伉夫婦團契的大組，Doris 曾經帶領他們查經，結果寫下了「同作門徒」這本書。一到團契我便被邀請參加敬拜隊。見到老朋友們真好，特別是如今我有高度的「人群不適」的感覺。
禮拜六，Doris 離開兩個月之際， 凌晨三點，牙齦發炎把我痛醒。我立即覺得與 Doris 自去年起所受的疼痛、苦楚和不適感同身受。我去看了醫生，吃了些抗生素，馬上見效。午餐和 Doris Kingston 的朋友們一起吃，是這禮拜第三次見到 Doris 的朋友。晚上我㷛了薏米和一些中藥喝，是一位朋友去看中醫的時候買給我的。
禮拜天崇拜， 當唱到最後一首詩歌時，我毫無預料地崩潰了： 「我知道我的救贖主活著，當號角響起的那一天，我將見祂榮光之面」，想著那一天的到來，我無法停止哭泣。我比一個月前並沒有好轉，但我還是幫助普通話團契準備預查「同作門徒」的第一、第二章。現在我多了經驗，包括星期六晚的同作門徒介紹，可以做開場白，並且帶領其他有興趣的大組介紹和小組頭兩章的查經。預查之後， 感覺還是沒有消失，於是我走去家附近的山頂，然後再走去舊碼頭看日落，當太陽的最後的一瞥消失的時候，我輕聲說:「不要，不要走。」這是另一件我無法放手的經驗。我真好想念我寶貝。
請為我這個禮拜天午堂的講道禱告，那將會是情緒化的一篇道，多個月之前我選了詩篇102篇（困苦人發昏的時候，在耶和華面前吐露苦情的禱告。）講完道之後，有朋友會帶我去觀鳥，在這傷感的日子紀念 Doris。
以下是Doris一首喜歡的歌 Embrace the Cross https://youtu.be/kq8JW_7ZKos
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Week 8
Week eight is a continual recovery, but don't think complete recovery. On Monday I went with two brothers for a buffet but it was flat. I felt bad neither I nor the company with me could enjoy the same place Doris and I so enjoyed previously in taking all her sisters to lunch. But it was not a lost day. I took from Doris' work collection an interesting book to read before lunch, titled Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick). It is an academic book that gave me the right kind of professional insight into grief. It advocates family acknowledgment of death and sharing the grief experience.
On Tuesday I was emotional seeing an old coworker that Doris and I had visited. We had been to their home to see the family - spouse and child. The constant source of tears so far are familiar faces, religious services and festive holidays.
Wednesday was a breakthrough for me. I dreamed of Doris who separated from a group of us while we were walking and went to a bookstore by herself, later vigorously defended her independent actions. It was Doris as I know her, passionate, vivid and real. I was thankful to God for the memories and realized that they will always be a part of me, livelier or less. Well-wishers hope I could move on, but I would rather slow down.
Thursday did not start off well. Doris' sister from USA texted me in the morning, "How are you these days , have been thinking of you.
At least you are better in the morning now. Our seniors fellowship prayed for you this morning. Anniversary date is around the corner, it will be hard on you." I felt sad the moment I read the word "anniversary" and tears gushed from my eyes. It was nevertheles a relaxing day because it was a half-day work day. At night I went to the wake of the mother of one of Doris childhood friends. Doris would have wanted me to go as the friend had contracted cancer herself and could not attend Doris memorial service for fear of the crowd. I was glad I made the effort.
Friday was a day without tears, my first of late in memory. I could not afford it as I had to preach Sunday on Ecclesiastes 4 and do a big group talk Monday, and two more by end of the month, of which three of four are new materials.
On Saturday all was well until a brother shared the helplessness of being hospitalized for three days lately . It set off sad memories of Doris' worse days of hospitalization.
Sunday was a good day with a minor hiccup at the pulpit. At night I was invited to hear some Broadway songs, but songs from Lloyd-Webber's Think of Me and Love Changes Everything did the job on me, especially the last line, There will never be a day
when I won't think of you.
Finally, I am thankful that I am slowly coming to terms with grieving, which is usually six months to two years. God has always been faithful even though thanksgiving, trust and tears are inseparable presently.
Please pray for me as I have lost one pound each for the last two months. I am worried because I am down to 153 lbs, underweight for my height. Pray also for a good spot at Lok Fu to open up for the urn internment. Finally pray for my four younger friends who lost their wives to cancer the last year- Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles. I perfectly understand the nightmare they had gone through. May they turn to God form salvation and healing.
Here is Doris' second favorite song from student days, Lord of the Universe:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor葉福成
第八個禮拜我繼續在康復，但還沒有完全康復。
禮拜一
我和兩位弟兄去吃自助餐，但感覺乏味。我覺得不好受，因為不管是我自己或是陪伴我的人都不怎麼享受，同樣是這個地方，Doris和我曾經帶她所有的姐姐們一起來吃午餐，而我們是那麼的享受。但那天不算是失落的一天，午餐之前，我閱讀了從 Doris的工作書籍中找出來的很有意思的一本書，Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick)。這本學術性的書給了我正確專業的對於哀傷的洞察，書中提倡家庭成員承認死亡，並一起分享哀傷的經歷。
禮拜二，當我見到一位 Doris和我一起探訪過的舊同事，我的情緒又開始起伏。我們曾經去過他們的家，去探訪這對夫婦和孩子。我發現自己眼淚的源頭有：熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式以及節假日。
禮拜三對於我來說是個突破。我夢見 Doris跟我和一羣人走路的時候，離開我們的人羣，獨自去了一家書店，之後激烈地為自己的選擇或行動辯護。這就是我所認識的 Doris：熱情、生動、真實。我為這些記憶感謝神，不管生動與否，它們將永遠是我的一部分。好心人希望我能夠繼續往前進，但我寧願慢慢來。
禮拜四
這一天的開頭不是太好。早上Doris的姐姐從美國發短信給我：「最近怎麼樣？我們都記掛著你，至少你現在早上感覺好點了。我們長者團契今早為你禱告 - 週年紀念日就快到了，知道你會不容易過。」 當我看到「週年紀念日」幾個字的時候，感覺很傷心，眼淚立即湧了出來。不過那天還算是輕鬆的一天，因為只工作半天。晚上我去了Doris 兒時朋友媽媽的守夜，Doris 會希望我去，那位朋友得了癌症，因為害怕人多，所以沒能參加 Doris的安息禮。我很高興自己盡了努力去了守夜。
禮拜五一整天都沒有流淚，記憶所及是我近來的第一次。我也有時間限制，因為禮拜天我要講道「傳道書」第四章，下禮拜一有個大組的講座，月底還有另外兩個講座，四次中有三次是全新的講章。
禮拜六一切都好，直到一位弟兄分享他最近住院三天的無助感，揭開了我心中有關 Doris 情況轉壞時住院的痛苦回憶。
禮拜天是很好的一天，除了在講台上有一點小傷感。晚上我應邀去聽百老匯音樂會，Lloyd-Webber 寫的歌 “Think of Me” 和 “Love Changes Everything” 令我大有感觸，特別是最後一句 “There will never be a day when I won't think of you” (我沒有一天不想起你).
感恩，我終於慢慢接受了哀傷 - 通常是六個月到兩年的時間。神是永久信實的，雖然在目前我的情況裏，感恩、信任和眼淚還未能分開。
請為我禱告：過去兩個月，我瘦了兩磅。我有些擔心，現在我只有153磅，以我的高度來說太輕了。也為在樂富（華人基督教墳場）有一個好的骨庫位置禱告。最後，請為我四位較年輕的朋友禱告，他們去年先後失去了太太，都是因為癌症 - Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles。我完全理解他們所經歷過的噩夢，盼望他們轉向神，得到拯救和醫治。
這是Doris學生時代第二首喜愛的詩歌
“Lord of the Universe”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor 葉福成 Jul 19
On Tuesday I was emotional seeing an old coworker that Doris and I had visited. We had been to their home to see the family - spouse and child. The constant source of tears so far are familiar faces, religious services and festive holidays.
Wednesday was a breakthrough for me. I dreamed of Doris who separated from a group of us while we were walking and went to a bookstore by herself, later vigorously defended her independent actions. It was Doris as I know her, passionate, vivid and real. I was thankful to God for the memories and realized that they will always be a part of me, livelier or less. Well-wishers hope I could move on, but I would rather slow down.
Thursday did not start off well. Doris' sister from USA texted me in the morning, "How are you these days , have been thinking of you.
At least you are better in the morning now. Our seniors fellowship prayed for you this morning. Anniversary date is around the corner, it will be hard on you." I felt sad the moment I read the word "anniversary" and tears gushed from my eyes. It was nevertheles a relaxing day because it was a half-day work day. At night I went to the wake of the mother of one of Doris childhood friends. Doris would have wanted me to go as the friend had contracted cancer herself and could not attend Doris memorial service for fear of the crowd. I was glad I made the effort.
Friday was a day without tears, my first of late in memory. I could not afford it as I had to preach Sunday on Ecclesiastes 4 and do a big group talk Monday, and two more by end of the month, of which three of four are new materials.
On Saturday all was well until a brother shared the helplessness of being hospitalized for three days lately . It set off sad memories of Doris' worse days of hospitalization.
Sunday was a good day with a minor hiccup at the pulpit. At night I was invited to hear some Broadway songs, but songs from Lloyd-Webber's Think of Me and Love Changes Everything did the job on me, especially the last line, There will never be a day
when I won't think of you.
Finally, I am thankful that I am slowly coming to terms with grieving, which is usually six months to two years. God has always been faithful even though thanksgiving, trust and tears are inseparable presently.
Please pray for me as I have lost one pound each for the last two months. I am worried because I am down to 153 lbs, underweight for my height. Pray also for a good spot at Lok Fu to open up for the urn internment. Finally pray for my four younger friends who lost their wives to cancer the last year- Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles. I perfectly understand the nightmare they had gone through. May they turn to God form salvation and healing.
Here is Doris' second favorite song from student days, Lord of the Universe:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor葉福成
第八個禮拜我繼續在康復，但還沒有完全康復。
禮拜一
我和兩位弟兄去吃自助餐，但感覺乏味。我覺得不好受，因為不管是我自己或是陪伴我的人都不怎麼享受，同樣是這個地方，Doris和我曾經帶她所有的姐姐們一起來吃午餐，而我們是那麼的享受。但那天不算是失落的一天，午餐之前，我閱讀了從 Doris的工作書籍中找出來的很有意思的一本書，Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick)。這本學術性的書給了我正確專業的對於哀傷的洞察，書中提倡家庭成員承認死亡，並一起分享哀傷的經歷。
禮拜二，當我見到一位 Doris和我一起探訪過的舊同事，我的情緒又開始起伏。我們曾經去過他們的家，去探訪這對夫婦和孩子。我發現自己眼淚的源頭有：熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式以及節假日。
禮拜三對於我來說是個突破。我夢見 Doris跟我和一羣人走路的時候，離開我們的人羣，獨自去了一家書店，之後激烈地為自己的選擇或行動辯護。這就是我所認識的 Doris：熱情、生動、真實。我為這些記憶感謝神，不管生動與否，它們將永遠是我的一部分。好心人希望我能夠繼續往前進，但我寧願慢慢來。
禮拜四
這一天的開頭不是太好。早上Doris的姐姐從美國發短信給我：「最近怎麼樣？我們都記掛著你，至少你現在早上感覺好點了。我們長者團契今早為你禱告 - 週年紀念日就快到了，知道你會不容易過。」 當我看到「週年紀念日」幾個字的時候，感覺很傷心，眼淚立即湧了出來。不過那天還算是輕鬆的一天，因為只工作半天。晚上我去了Doris 兒時朋友媽媽的守夜，Doris 會希望我去，那位朋友得了癌症，因為害怕人多，所以沒能參加 Doris的安息禮。我很高興自己盡了努力去了守夜。
禮拜五一整天都沒有流淚，記憶所及是我近來的第一次。我也有時間限制，因為禮拜天我要講道「傳道書」第四章，下禮拜一有個大組的講座，月底還有另外兩個講座，四次中有三次是全新的講章。
禮拜六一切都好，直到一位弟兄分享他最近住院三天的無助感，揭開了我心中有關 Doris 情況轉壞時住院的痛苦回憶。
禮拜天是很好的一天，除了在講台上有一點小傷感。晚上我應邀去聽百老匯音樂會，Lloyd-Webber 寫的歌 “Think of Me” 和 “Love Changes Everything” 令我大有感觸，特別是最後一句 “There will never be a day when I won't think of you” (我沒有一天不想起你).
感恩，我終於慢慢接受了哀傷 - 通常是六個月到兩年的時間。神是永久信實的，雖然在目前我的情況裏，感恩、信任和眼淚還未能分開。
請為我禱告：過去兩個月，我瘦了兩磅。我有些擔心，現在我只有153磅，以我的高度來說太輕了。也為在樂富（華人基督教墳場）有一個好的骨庫位置禱告。最後，請為我四位較年輕的朋友禱告，他們去年先後失去了太太，都是因為癌症 - Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles。我完全理解他們所經歷過的噩夢，盼望他們轉向神，得到拯救和醫治。
這是Doris學生時代第二首喜愛的詩歌
“Lord of the Universe”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor 葉福成 Jul 19
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