Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Week 34

Week thirty four was a blessing in disguise. On Monday I had lunch with a friend who is returning to Canada for ministry due health reasons 四高 after five years in HK. After lunch I went to a bookstore with a USA friend who also wanted to have a look at his old church. At the bookstore a worker replied when I asked for 同作門徒:冇曬咗! Later we visited his old pastor and wife, who had insomnia for two years since her brother committed suicide twelve years ago and her sister is also depressed. She herself came out of depression lately over a verse - there is no fear in love. When she asked me how I was lately, i said my three weeks trip to USA gave me closure, but my USA friend, an established psychology professor who returns yearly to do research for one of HK's two leading universities, diplomatically chimed in, saying, "Closure is inhumane because it means you have no feelings and connection to the loved one anymore."  I was surprised this is the current view in psychology, so I have to rethink, but I was glad for this new perspective.

The next day I was back to the grind because it was sermon week on another difficult passage, Ecclesiastes 10, a sermon halfway done two months ago before my trip to USA. Worse is there were no illustrations, and translation must be done, so I knew the week and work were not looking good.

On Wednesday I woke up to a silly dream. A coworker was teasing me for being able to hold my tears while Some was eyeing me. It is a change because it is now not about Doris, but my struggles. Another dream this week was about an overcrowded cemetery where people cannot figure out which urn was that of their loved one. 

Thursday was a frustrating IT day. My phone had switched lately to SAFE mode once but it returned to normal, but this time it did not, so I thought I had to reload my WhatsApp since the icon was missing. When I did so I did not realize I had clicked uninstall, so two days of WhatsApp messages were missing when I reinstalled it because backup was two days ago. I could have kicked myself but important messages were resent to me by friends. Most important my abbreviated messages to Doris were still in her phone.

The next day a counselor from a buddy's Fellowship took us out for lunch. It was nice to have folks remembering coworkers for Chinese new year. At night I attended men's Fellowship gospel talk. The biggest surprise was my publisher announced the third edition of our book 同作門徒 in less than a year. I was touched but saddened at the same time. https://www.facebook.com/victor.yap.1401/posts/10155060077774994?notif_t=like&notif_id=1484319092543210

The next day was tiring. The department vetting was in the morning, department yearly lunch was noon, department meeting at two, coffee with a buddy after, prestudy kickoff for a Fellowship studying同作門徒, short dinner, return to fellowship, what a long day. Going home I ironed my clothes and worked on the third point of the sermon.

Sermon day arrived, but not before Sunday school lesson at 845am for 35 students. They truly enjoyed the 同作門徒 class. The sermon was a blessing from God as many thanked me and appreciated it. A critic even came up to me to call an indirect truce. A friend enthused: 感謝主!太太説今天听牧師講道有很大得著!👍🙏👏 聖靈工作,牧師也很用心! 傳道書作為講章預備很難我覺得。At night I finished reading Henri Nouwen's A Letter of Consolation, a compilation of letters to his upset father when Nouwen's mother passed away, with this concessionary piece from chapter seven: "Now I see why it is false to say that a religious person should find death easy and acceptable. Now I understand why it is wrong to think that a death without struggle and agony is a sign of great faith. These ideas do not make much sense once we realize that faith opens us to the full affirmation of life and gives us an intense desire to live more fully, more vibrantly, and more vigorously. If anyone should protest against death it is the religious person, the person who has increasingly come to know God as the God of the living."

Finally I had to hold back tears listening to this song in Couples Fellowship:

Jan 17, 2017

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Week 33

Week thirty three was an emotional week for me because it falls within Doris' birthday. On Monday a USA friend asked me to join him for lunch that stretched to five hours. We ate wonton noodles, followed by ramen noodles, then coffee and dessert at IFC, and fruit somewhere else. In the middle of coffee when I wrote about my dream of Doris the previous week waiting for me at a terminal, teardrops fell from my eyes. My friend was kind and sensitive enough to hand me tissues without signaling.

The next day at work I could not wait to continue working on Proverbs 31, the text for Doris' memorial service on June 18, 2016, to be delivered coming May on the occasion of the first year anniversary of Doris' loss. This will be an extended version rather than the shortened version.

On Wednesday morning I went with a buddy to a cremation service for the mother of a coworker. I am more sensitive and supportive after Doris' loss, plus the instinct to keep a buddy company because he's been doing a memorial service for a few weeks now. 

The next day I finished watching the second hour of the movie Castle in the Sky that coworkers were talking about when one of them had a robot from the movie for wallscreen. I thanked God who ironically prepared the movie for me pending Doris' birthday two days later. The affection, sacrifice and freshness of youngsters Pazu and Sheeta made me wept before bed, thinking of days with Doris.

Friday was Doris' birthday, relatives alerted me. I was so mindful of the day of her loss but not so her life, so it's a reminder to cherish both. A buddy rushed me to HK's flower streets and I was content with a bunch of five short roses plus other flowers after circling the block the second time. At dinner time when I asked a close friend why her relative having dinner with us never asked me how I was doing, she explained that they do not want to face her death , a trait that runs in the family. After I sent the picture of the flowers to friends, a replied made me tear up: "Happy Birthday Doris!!! She is more beautiful than roses!"

I was invited to fellowship dinner at night. The group and spirit were excellent. I told them my plan for leading the book of Acts for them in April including recruiting leaders from the three zones to write Bible study questions with me once a month. They are far better in Chinese than me since Doris used to write the questions for Fellowship.

Sunday rolled around. A friend of mine said he wanted to dine with me and talk about my future book releases. At noon I was given 1 Cor 15 the resurrection passage and it was difficult for me emotionally at the pulpit. Two songs in two worships that day took a toll on me, 誰能使我與神的愛隔絕 and Come People of the Risen King. It was strange because I was pretty sure the public tears had dried up after USA trip. It was acceptable because I was preaching in an English speaking church. After church I prayed for a younger minister whose first baby died prematurely and the urn internment was days ago. He said he held the urn when it was first available to him and cried. I shared the same thing happened to me. I took the pot in my arms and cried all the way home by bus to the island, and shaved to short hair two days after till present. Few people understand what it feels like  to have a loved one's life shortened before reaching the prime of life.

Finally the two songs that touched me this week:
Come People of the Risen King

Jan 10, 2017

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Week 32

Week thirty two was a tiring week snucked between Christmas and New Year. In all honesty I cannot let go of 2016 to live out 2017. On Monday I was bothered by my memory gaps, upset by a lunch I missed because dinner with Doris' brother from UK overshadowed everything. True to form, her quiet brother spoke liitle and I did not ask or attempt much after the opening question, "How long will you be in Japan?" At least he said a hearty goodbye after dinner. Part of the reason I missed lunch was also because I was engrossed in revising 文法聖經 yesterday to confirm to international standards using the NA27 manuscript instead of KJV. Also without Doris there's less motivation for food, fun or festivity.

Tuesday come with a testimony I must share. The previous week I won the office lottery $1000 winning prize, of which $787 was spent on tea group at Tang's on same day. This Tuesday when I took a neighbor coworker's family to lunch, his wife excitedly talked about how they cheered when I won the prize, so I told her we can use part of the money left for lunch that day. When the bill came, she screamed because the bill was $213, all that was left of the money! Now coworkers cannot eye my leftover money! At night I had dinner with a USA friend that used to take me out for birthday meal before Doris fell ill. It was nice to see an warm old friend.

The next day there was a HK drama of a president with amnesia, favoritism, put downs, a larger than life character and disoriented. I walked for more than an hour, praying for work, colleagues and safeguarding in HK .

On Thursday less than three weeks back from USA I was already feeling the emotional, mental and work stress, waking up at 330am for over half hour before getting back to sleep. Nearing dawn I had a dream of taking a bus or train to find Doris wearing blue top and white bottom expectedly waiting for me at the end of the terminal. Short but emotional to write it. Thankfully next morning was my day off. At night on my own time I attended an alum family memorial service. Tears rested on my eyeballs but I could hold it off now since returning from USA.

On Friday I woke up to a dream of me and a missionary and a banner that says  "I will respond to the salvation of the world." I told my missionary friend who wisely said, "Salvation belongs to the Lord as he is the Lord of the harvest. It is a privilege that we can be co-workers with God in his harvest."

Saturday morning I was groggy and napped at 11am but it gave me super strength for the rest of the day's writing of Acts 1, which I was inspired to do due a buddy's fantastic study of John. At night I attended a wedding more confident in my own skin than the last wedding before I flew to USA. Before I felt uneasy alone attending a wedding.

Sunday arrived and the pth service meets 14fl now. It was a long day as I planned to support a buddy's late noon program. I was about to go for dinner at 7pm when I saw a coworker hard at work for Sunday school next week. I coaxed him to go home as it was a holiday, even going out to dinner with him and his patient wife, in the process recruiting two others in the office as well.

Lord, let me walk along you,
Not ahead of you or away from you!

Jan 3, 2017

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Week 31

Week thirty one arrived and so did my seven months of loss. On day off Monday a friend based in Beijing had lunch with me. Surprisingly tears surged as I hugged a brother I had lost touched with for three years. The emotional side with friends had dried up since returning from USA. On my return trip home late afternoon I met a neighbor who lost his wife to cancer three months earlier than Doris. His wife shared the same ward with Doris when my wife was hospitalized for two weeks once. We had seen each other before on buses before, but not share the same seat. Lately I try to avoid most people,  except familiar ones. He shared that his dreams of his wife were always in her sickness, causing him to cry a bucket of tears 一殼水. At night he is lonely and all the carers that kept him going had all long  disappeared, even her wife's sister from China who came frequently to visit his seven year old son previously, but now he was reluctant to trouble her.

Tuesday was staff Christmas party and I won the big prize of $1,000, of which a whopping $787 was spent on coworkers high tea. They are worth more, very previous to me, having mentored some and receiving support in return. At night I walked short of an hour on my prayer walk because a neighbor friend said my tummy is showing after USA trip.

On Wednesday morning a coworker shaved my hair for Doris' seventh month tomorrow. It was a good day because a buddy invited me and another family I know to his newly renovated house for winter solstice dinner and his daughter's birthday

Thursday was seven months without Doris and I woke up wanting to visit her high school, St Paul Co-Ed. Her sister Faith was available to join me since she is retired. At night I was invited by some pth folks for restaurant dinner. We took lots of photo. They have done lots to encourage me. Before bed the pent-up emotions let loose, turning into loud cries and heavy sobs.

On Friday afternoon I bought lilies for Doris a day late for her seventh month. Before work day was over, a good friend dropped by unexpectedly and later asked me to join his brother-in-law, who lost his wife to cancer a month before Doris, for dinner. At dinnerI learned he's taking medication to allow him to sleep from 1am to 10am. I also talked to his friend who lost his father eight months ago. She had no closure because of family disputes over inheritance. I have more patience and empathy to listen and share now.

I took a young adult friend to lunch Saturday because of his birthday. It was the least I could do for old USA friends. Plus, I know his pastor dad. After lunch I bought two cakes for friends, of which one was surprised by its richness. A coworker prepared a Bible study on John 1 with the help of 文法聖經 and my  friendly coaxing. It was an instant classic and a proud moment for me to upgrade him to such a high level.

Sunday rolled along. I preached the same evangelistic passage of Matthew 11:28-30. Two raised their hands to accept Christ, ten folks so far. It was hard to motivate myself the second time. Finally on a restive evening I succeeded in walking an hour on my prayer walk.

Here's a song from an young autistic girl that touched my heart this festive week:

Dec 27

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Week 30

Week thirty could be a turnaround for me in HK after my USA trip. On Monday I joined Doris' high school mates for lunch. They bought four 文法聖經 from me. I am slowly warming up to them, attending their lunch every other month. I learned my lesson  from sleeping five hours the previous day at home in the noon time as a result of jet lag, so I decided to spend the rest of the day hours writing at the office. At night I joined a friend retreating here that I bumped into the previous night and our talk today was three hours till midnight. We bared our hearts and shared our thoughts. Friend said that I was there for him the last time he was on the island depressed and Doris was instrumental in turning around his marriage one coffee meeting elsewhere, so it made me think and gave me pause. He called it double friendship. 

Tuesday was a busy day. I had to catch up to my Saturday sermon that I had put aside for weeks, if not months. By the end of the day the sermon was slowly getting in shape, but illustrations were lacking.

On Wednesday I stepped in the scales to check my weight.  It started with a coworker's wife who said, Pastor you must have put on at least ten pounds. Sure enough I weighed 168 pounds from three weeks of Thanksgiving eating, friends' dinner, cold temperature, meeting snacks and no exercise.

Thursday I woke to a short dream of my wife with me and a younger colleague "A" sharing a meal at table 23 in Marie Calendars, a restaurant I visited in USA. To me it is nothing short of a blessing to feel her as she was. The hardest thing is to lose memories of her, which is the fear of all remaining spouses. The morning was supposedly a half day off but there were three meetings to attend, of which the first is department meeting. At the meeting I announced that I would cooperate with outside church events but not participate 合作但不參加. My coworkers would deputize for me. They are the best, God's angels for me. I have little  energy or enthusiasm left for big events or vain folks around. My time is best spent writing, mentoring and theological missions.

On Friday I spent much of my time getting the Cantonese sermon translated and ppt ready for Saturday morning preaching, it was half hour past deadline 3pm when I finished merely the ppt. The disadvantage of preaching Saturday morning is that there is no Saturday cushion to work further on it. Because my sister in-law and husband could not attend Couples Fellowship that night I did not stay but went home to eat and pray. One of the things I looked forward to returning from USA is to continue the prayer walk routine that we enjoyed, even more than my morning swim.

Saturday sermon turned out much better than I expected. I gave an invitation and was shocked that seven raised their hands. I pressured the morning service team to buy lunch and we had a good time. At night a putonghua (pth) worshipper told me he attended the morning worship because he's got to work tomorrow. He said, Pastor, your Cantonese is better than your pth. I said, Shh, don't say so loud, or you'll lose your pastor to Cantonese side.

There were 137 baptized on Sunday. I and buddy Cheng split the work of baptizing and K was the speaker, no better team I must add. At the end of 68 baptisms I gave a couple from my Fellowship a big hug to howls from the congregation. It was natural to me after I'm back from USA. Hug first now.

Praise God; I had put on weight,  energy to spare and regained my touch, for the moment. Hallelujah, He heals the brokenhearted and sets His people free, Merry Christmas all!

Dec 21

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Week 29

Week twenty nine was the last week of a refreshing three weeks in USA. At Monday's seminary conference I choked back tears introducing our latest book 同作門徒. Many former colleagues comforted me. The response was strong when I introduced 文法聖經, but unfortunately I just brought one to USA because it is 800 pages heavy.

The next day was a triumph and a relief of some sort  to me because I have finished revising 文法聖經 at night. It was the foremost project for me on this trip because I cannot afford the time to do it in HK due my heavy workload. Not only did I complete the Chinese version, I was crazy enough to finish and begin rechecking the English version too. The new Chinese version in bolder colors was to help a close colleague whose vision is deteriorating.

On Wednesday I met 18 former members, including grown kids, for dinner. It was hard to say grace for dinner because Doris used to join us in dinners. One family from New Jersey in town was upset at me for not seeing them personally, but I was too emotional part of the trip.

The next day was the second last day of the trip, but it may as well be the last because my flight next day is 825am in the morning. For the first time in three weeks I woke up to normal USA time. The jet lag was gone but I had to leave tomorrow. I was thankful I got back some copies of my first book 開天闢地 from a  bookstore. I discovered I did not have a copy in HK, so it was a bonus to remember to get some from the only bookstore that has it.

The return flight to HK was troublesome and taxing no matter how you envision it. I had to leave my host family's house at 530am with three luggages for  fifteen hours of travel with no computer but movies to pass the time. I have never seen so many movies in one day in my life. At least  got to see Wall-e, an old movie Doris watched with church kids. It was touching to see two altogether different robots' love for each other.

I finally got home on Saturday and caught the 530pm shuttle bus home. Home was the way it was, but Doris' sisters had brought flowers to our home by her side. I added lilies to the fading flowers. At night I took some jet lag medication.

The next day was a big day as I had to preach twice, one in indonesian and another at North Point. An old song We are the Reason reminded me emotionally of our days . Praise God , all went well. After lunch with a couple I had to dart back to answer a phone call and to join prayer meeting, a priority for Doris. After church I napped after 5pm and woke up at 10pm, after more than four hours, missing a neighbors dinner at 715pm but greeted a colleague here for surprise visit. I had to take pills to sleep again at night to counter jet lag because now my time is really messed up.

Here are my thanks to God for the USA break:
1. Updating records. I had to run thrice to the county an hour away, fill in retirement forms and send copy to tax accountant for tax purposes.
2. Close a bank account. My USA funds were depleting and I did not want to be penalized but retain our sweet joint account.
3. Passing written driving test. I erred on two of 18 questions, one less than is allowed.
4. Driving safety. I drove thrice to Riverside an hour away, twice to Orange County an hour away, once to San Diego more than two hours away and once to Santa Barbara and Solvang two and half hours away. Also thanks to a good friend who drove me to Carmel and the Big Sur.
5. Visiting churches. I attended the worship of two former churches and my sister in law's church.
6. Greeting relatives. I traveled to San Diego twice to catch up with one who was overseas on the first occasion.
7. Meeting friends. A close family had relocated to New Jersey and China but was back for a relative's wedding.
8. Attending seminary conference. Catching up to old and new faculty.
9. Host family, mentor and alum brother. The host family gave me a roof over the head, meals if needed and a night's stay in Santa Barbara. Herman is passionate as always. Got to know Paul the person rather than the professor.
10. Closure. Goodbye USA, seminary, church, relatives and friends!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Week 28

Week twenty eight is better but not much after Thanksgiving. On the first day of the week I woke up to a dream of Doris asking me to massage her and take her to see the latest Margaret Cheung. My host said Margaret Cheung did not act for years. Then I headed to Riverside county to rectify records.
Tuesday was a blank to me. I remembered having coffee and working on my Grammar Bible. My vacation is a working holiday. It makes me more productive and not dwell on my situation. I average five to six hours writing daily.
Wednesday I took alum brother Paul and wife with me to Santa Barbara, stopping by Solvang fofty five minutes away. They had the time of their lives. At evening we walked to the wharf from our hotel twenty minutes away and had dinner that my friends totally enjoyed.
The next day we left our hotel after breakfast and another walk by the beach. I had to visit Santa Barbara because SB was the last night and place Doris spent in USA, at the same hotel too. The hotel was courtesy of a friend's reward points.
Friday was the start of a six days theological conference. Paul and Chloe were the outstanding speakers. There were familiar and unfamiliar faces to meet, but I hope to get some insight and inspiration. I was invited to return to the fold, but my wife's vision and legacy are more important currently.
I had to leave earlier second day to San Diego for dinner with another nephew who returned from HK. He stayed with us two years while in college but now is married for two years, how time flies. Six of us relatives had dinner together.
On Sunday the worship songs touched my heart. For three weeks in a row I could not bottle my emotions at worship. The Lord gave us a gift as TD contacted me officially to publish Doris' invested book on healing 你要痊癒嗎?She finished the book at the end of March. It was top on her list. May the Lord use it to bless the sick , the aging and the wounded.
Dec 6 USA

Week 27

Week twenty seven is mostly spent with friends and family in USA, especially with the thanksgiving week. On Monday morning I drove an hour to Riverside to work on official documents, which I could not get done without notarization. After that I went to spend the day with my beloved mentor Herman Tang 鄧灼文. There is no better pastor I've seen, none as passionate and loving as Herman, who has just retired and will teach in ABS for three months from January 2017. Herman cried with me the moment I arrived, no kidding. We spent the rest of my overnight stay talking and sharing. It was the eve of six months without Doris.
The next day was exactly six months of Doris' loss. I left after breakfast but the hosts could not join in for health reasons. At 10 AM I left for San Diego to join Doris' sister Vivien and her husband Henry two days before Thanksgiving to visit the San Francisco nephew in town with his two year old daughter. After that, onto another relative visit. On Tuesday I also sent out a nine picture collage of Doris I learned to make two days ago. It was encouraging to many who received it. And I finally sent out a letter to address my grievances after sitting on it for more than two weeks.
On Wednesday Henry took me to La Jolla Cove to see seagulls, sea lions and other creatures by the beach, of which San Diego beaches were a favorite of Doris. She was also a joy and delight to her nephew and nieces growing up there.
On Thursday Thanksgiving I woke up sobbing because of a dream i had of Doris. She was laughing at what I said, nothing much, but it meant a lot to me. When we ate Thanksgiving lunch I felt emotional again. When we prayed before I left after lunch to Los Angeles, tears welled up again. It was a sweet rather than a sad day for me. Most people don't know what to do when I was emotional. A hug, pat on the back or rub of the shoulders would be good.
On Friday a good friend took me to Big Sur through the inland route of Carmel, then to Big Sur. When I saw the big waves crashing at the rocks, tears rolled down my eyes thinking of our honeymoon car ride seventeen years ago through 1 highway to Carmel. This was my request to a good friend to take me to Carmel again, and he obliged from 25 years of friendship. At dinner I sobbed again at the seafood bar overlooking outside while my friend looked out the window not knowing what to do.
Saturday morning was a ride back to Los Angeles for a dinner appointment. I treasured talking to a younger pastor sharing the ups and downs of ministry in USA and HK. I am now more aware of coworkers looking up to me and learning from me, so I must be there for them.
Sunday's trip back to Riverside, where I served the last ten years before leaving, was hard for me. At the end of worship and tears mingled freely. This was where Doris and I had our best years together in a small loving community. After worship I had lunch with two layman preachers to impart Grammar Bible study to them.
Nov 29 USA

Week 26

Week twenty six was a contrast of emotions being in Hong Kong and USA. I spent most of Monday working on my revised grammar Bible to support a loving color-challenged friend and students who want me to clearer mark the verbs. In between I had lunch with a neighbor and coached a Bible study leader over dinner.
On Tuesday Doris' friend from Australia came to our home to pay respect to Doris. He was the first. I showed from my phone some of her latest photos. There is no better friend than Doris, even to lost and lonely souls.
We switched our department meeting to Tuesday for my upcoming flight to USA. I trust my coworkers can do a good job in my three week's presence. We had a staff transferred two weeks ago but all is OK so far.
On Wednesday morning I hurried over to cheung sha wan to get my international driver's license just in case I fail it in USA. They even accepted my old photos for the license number, so I was glad. At 3 pm I had to prepare a coworker for her upcoming preaching, but the sermon needs more time.
On Thursday I worked in the morning and had lunch with coworkers before I boarded my 430pm flight to Los Angeles. Friends consensus is for me to watch movies instead of reading for my usa drivers test the next day. I watched Revenant, X-men Apocalypse and 寒戰2, all three with death and family for a theme. DiCaprio's words after death of his beloved stepson gripped me, I am not afraid of death anymore. I felt the same after Doris was gone. There are tears but not fears in me without Doris. Likewise, Magneto of X-men went on a path of destruction upon losing his wife and daughter. The bad guys kidnapped Aaron Kwok in the last movie to get at him. Family is our pride and passion. My sister picked me up in Los Angeles and we shopped while waiting for my friends who host me to get home after work.
Friday was nervous time as I had to retake my driver's license test. My host gave me a sample of 264 questions and most questions showed up at the 18 question test, where one is allowed to fail thrice. I got two wrong. Later I met with former students for lunch.
On Saturday I drove for the first time in USA to meet my predecessor in Irvine, where he had a three days meeting. He was happiest to see me. We felt we could have been good buddies if we were closer in age, kNown each other while young or had served longer together. It's a case of lonely at the top.
On Sunday I did not intend to return to my first church to worship, but it was a combined Thanksgiving gathering and there was a request to witness the baptism of a friend's daughter. At the end of worship after the benediction the tears came naturally and I had to sneak out while people were looking for me. I did not want to risk people's worry or talk, like my experience in HK. At home by myself at noon it triggered more tears.
Nov 21 USA

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Week 25

Week twenty five was a dark and disappointing week. On Monday Doris' sister from San Diego was in town. The visitors to my home included her husband and Doris' other sister Faith, the two sisters making three souvenir amulets fom the urn and Viviens husband helping me with USA death documents.

Tuesday was a strange and shocking day. To my disappointment I was dismissed from extra group duties. Central is disoriented lately and I was the target. I asked, "Are you sure?" at least twice. There was no budging. I said later, I really wanted to shake your hands just now. My predecessor said I should add, Thank you very much. At night I attended the local church coworkers and gave 80 文法聖經 away to all attendees.

The next day close friends invited me for lunch. I said I  have nothing but pity for Central. At night I had dinner with Betty, one of Doris' best friends who is from Toronto. Tears were shared and shed with best friends. Their love for Doris always comforts me. I gave them two blog books for her other friends who held a memorial service in Toronto, organized by a friend Stanley who himself drove two and a half hours to attend.

Thursday was a special day. A clerk at church told me she had a dream of Doris, which I always like hearing: 

On Friday I woke early at 430am, and the thought of being fired from a duty occupied my mind, so much so I started writing a letter that I did not finish. My friends, true to form, again tried to calm me. I did say I had nothing but pity, but I found out I had human anger too.

Saturday was a special day, if not a sacred one. I took the visit from Doris sisters Vivien and Faith to our home on Monday as a tacit approval of resting the urn at home, so I finally took the urn out of the blue box that was supposed to transfer the urn to the cemetery. Tears naturally flowed. At noon I kicked off another group's study of Fellow Disciples同作門徒, the fourth so far.

Sunday arrived. On the way to worship I penned my letter in less than an hour, but my close friends were asking me to reconsider sending. The words were too direct here. Worship songs were meaningful and I was proud of my coworker speaking.

Nov 15