Week nine was marked by a stable turnaround and a shock tumble. A turnaround because I could focus on mornings and afternoons. I had no choice because work and talk were piling up. On Monday day off I had to return to office to finalize my night talk for Monday night couples fellowship. Doris and I did a talk for them last year and doing it alone brought memories and tears.
On Tuesday night a former Macau student came to pick up books from Doris collection to be given to former students for resources. Like Doris before, I prepared dinner for the student before sending him on the way after dinner that was served after 8pm. It was day one of meeting Doris' students or friends this week.
Wednesday morning was a disaster because I met an overseas-bound former coworker on a bus. The emotions could not be bottled up again. Now I found the fourth trigger besides familiar faces, religious services and public holidays- saying goodbye. Now I understand why children feel abandoned and vulnerable with divorce and death in the family. It was day two of meeting old friends as I took Doris' former USA Sunday school student on a mission trip to Hong Kong for dinner
On Thursday night I had dinner with Doris‘ sisters after a three weeks absence since eldest sister left. I suspect eldest sister made the dinner possible after understanding how sad I was last week. Thursday was a good day because I finally completed my travel arrangements for my mid-August Taiwan trip. Doris dearly wanted me to attend the CCCOWE conference there. My brother will join me a few days earlier for a needed holiday. On a happy note, my Putonghua colleagues will join me at the Conference. One of the four regular questions I faced recently was, "Are you taking a holiday?" (Others include Are you going to change ministry, Are you moving out of your house, and Are you returning to USA? ) It was also day one of three meetings with Doris’ students, childhood and college friends.
Friday I attended Couples Fellowship that Doris had led in Bible study that resulted in the book Fellow Disciples. I was roped into the praise team upon arrival and barely survived the lyrics of one song. It was good facing old friends, especially with my high crowd discomfort level nowadays.
On Saturday, the occasion of Doris' second month of departure, my inflamed gums woke me up at 3 am. I immediately empathized with the pain, suffering and discomfort Doris felt since last year. I went to the doctor and got antibiotics that worked instantly. For lunch, it was day three joining this time Doris' Kingston friends. At night I boiled some barley with herbs that a friend on the way to a Chinese doctor bought for me.
Sunday was an unexpected meltdown when the last hymn was played:“ I know my Redeemer lives and on that latter day He will stand on the earth." I could not stop weeping thinking of the day to come. Nevertheless I helped the Putonghua fellowship pre-study to lead the first two chapters of the book. Now I am more experienced and can offer kickoff and lead two opening studies for other interested groups. After the study the feelings did not disappear, so I went up our local hilltop and then to the old pier to watch the sun set. When the last glimpse of the sun disappears I muttered, "No, don't go." It was another thing I could not let go. I really missed my baby.
Please pray for my coming Sunday noontime sermon. It will be an emotional one because I picked Psalm 102 Prayer of the Afflicted many months before. After that some friends will take me bird-watching to remember Doris on a sentimental date.
Here is a Doris favorite, Embrace the Cross
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=kq8JW_7ZKos
Victor 葉福成 Jul 26
第九個禮拜可分為由穩步好轉到一個震驚。好轉是因為我可以在上下午都比較集中精神，我沒有其他選擇 - 工作和講座 漸漸堆積如山。禮拜一放假的日子，我需要回去工作，完成晚上的夫婦團契的講座。 Doris 和我去年曾為他們舉辦過一個講座，現在由我一個人來講，勾起不少回憶和眼淚。
禮拜二晚上，Doris 在澳門的一位學生過來拿書，帶回去給以前的學生們作為參考資源。正如以前 Doris 一樣，我為那位學生準備了晚餐，我們8點之後開始吃飯，之後送他離開。這個禮拜這是第一次見到 Doris 的學生或朋友。
禮拜三早上對我來說是個大禍 - 我在公車上遇見一位往國外的舊同工。情緒無法壓抑， 再次爆發了出來。除了熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式和節假日，我發現了第四個觸發情緒的因素， 那就是道別。現在我明白，為什麼當父母離異或者親人去世的時候，孩子們會覺得被遺棄，以及感到脆弱，容易受傷害。同一星期第二次遇見老朋友，Doris 以前在美國的主日學學生來香港短宣，我帶她去吃晚飯。
星期四晚上我和 Doris 的姐姐們一起吃晚飯，我們已經三個禮拜自從大姐回美國後沒有見面。我猜這是大姐安排的飯聚， 因為她知道上個禮拜我非常難過。禮拜四是不錯的一天，我終於完成了八月中台灣之行的安排。 Doris 希望我能參加在那裡所舉行的華福大會。我哥哥在會議之前會去台灣陪我幾天，我實在需要放一個假。令人開心的是，我的普通話同工們會和我一起參加會議。最近我經常面對四個問題， 其中一個是：「你會放假嗎？這一星期內分我別三次遇見Doris的學生、兒時朋友以及大學朋友。（其他三個問題包括，你會否做其他事工？你會否搬家？你會否回美國？）
禮拜五我參加了五伉夫婦團契的大組，Doris 曾經帶領他們查經，結果寫下了「同作門徒」這本書。一到團契我便被邀請參加敬拜隊。見到老朋友們真好，特別是如今我有高度的「人群不適」的感覺。
禮拜六，Doris 離開兩個月之際， 凌晨三點，牙齦發炎把我痛醒。我立即覺得與 Doris 自去年起所受的疼痛、苦楚和不適感同身受。我去看了醫生，吃了些抗生素，馬上見效。午餐和 Doris Kingston 的朋友們一起吃，是這禮拜第三次見到 Doris 的朋友。晚上我㷛了薏米和一些中藥喝，是一位朋友去看中醫的時候買給我的。
禮拜天崇拜， 當唱到最後一首詩歌時，我毫無預料地崩潰了： 「我知道我的救贖主活著，當號角響起的那一天，我將見祂榮光之面」，想著那一天的到來，我無法停止哭泣。我比一個月前並沒有好轉，但我還是幫助普通話團契準備預查「同作門徒」的第一、第二章。現在我多了經驗，包括星期六晚的同作門徒介紹，可以做開場白，並且帶領其他有興趣的大組介紹和小組頭兩章的查經。預查之後， 感覺還是沒有消失，於是我走去家附近的山頂，然後再走去舊碼頭看日落，當太陽的最後的一瞥消失的時候，我輕聲說:「不要，不要走。」這是另一件我無法放手的經驗。我真好想念我寶貝。
請為我這個禮拜天午堂的講道禱告，那將會是情緒化的一篇道，多個月之前我選了詩篇102篇（困苦人發昏的時候，在耶和華面前吐露苦情的禱告。）講完道之後，有朋友會帶我去觀鳥，在這傷感的日子紀念 Doris。
以下是Doris一首喜歡的歌 Embrace the Cross https://youtu.be/kq8JW_7ZKos
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Week 8
Week eight is a continual recovery, but don't think complete recovery. On Monday I went with two brothers for a buffet but it was flat. I felt bad neither I nor the company with me could enjoy the same place Doris and I so enjoyed previously in taking all her sisters to lunch. But it was not a lost day. I took from Doris' work collection an interesting book to read before lunch, titled Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick). It is an academic book that gave me the right kind of professional insight into grief. It advocates family acknowledgment of death and sharing the grief experience.
On Tuesday I was emotional seeing an old coworker that Doris and I had visited. We had been to their home to see the family - spouse and child. The constant source of tears so far are familiar faces, religious services and festive holidays.
Wednesday was a breakthrough for me. I dreamed of Doris who separated from a group of us while we were walking and went to a bookstore by herself, later vigorously defended her independent actions. It was Doris as I know her, passionate, vivid and real. I was thankful to God for the memories and realized that they will always be a part of me, livelier or less. Well-wishers hope I could move on, but I would rather slow down.
Thursday did not start off well. Doris' sister from USA texted me in the morning, "How are you these days , have been thinking of you.
At least you are better in the morning now. Our seniors fellowship prayed for you this morning. Anniversary date is around the corner, it will be hard on you." I felt sad the moment I read the word "anniversary" and tears gushed from my eyes. It was nevertheles a relaxing day because it was a half-day work day. At night I went to the wake of the mother of one of Doris childhood friends. Doris would have wanted me to go as the friend had contracted cancer herself and could not attend Doris memorial service for fear of the crowd. I was glad I made the effort.
Friday was a day without tears, my first of late in memory. I could not afford it as I had to preach Sunday on Ecclesiastes 4 and do a big group talk Monday, and two more by end of the month, of which three of four are new materials.
On Saturday all was well until a brother shared the helplessness of being hospitalized for three days lately . It set off sad memories of Doris' worse days of hospitalization.
Sunday was a good day with a minor hiccup at the pulpit. At night I was invited to hear some Broadway songs, but songs from Lloyd-Webber's Think of Me and Love Changes Everything did the job on me, especially the last line, There will never be a day
when I won't think of you.
Finally, I am thankful that I am slowly coming to terms with grieving, which is usually six months to two years. God has always been faithful even though thanksgiving, trust and tears are inseparable presently.
Please pray for me as I have lost one pound each for the last two months. I am worried because I am down to 153 lbs, underweight for my height. Pray also for a good spot at Lok Fu to open up for the urn internment. Finally pray for my four younger friends who lost their wives to cancer the last year- Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles. I perfectly understand the nightmare they had gone through. May they turn to God form salvation and healing.
Here is Doris' second favorite song from student days, Lord of the Universe:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor葉福成
第八個禮拜我繼續在康復，但還沒有完全康復。
禮拜一
我和兩位弟兄去吃自助餐，但感覺乏味。我覺得不好受，因為不管是我自己或是陪伴我的人都不怎麼享受，同樣是這個地方，Doris和我曾經帶她所有的姐姐們一起來吃午餐，而我們是那麼的享受。但那天不算是失落的一天，午餐之前，我閱讀了從 Doris的工作書籍中找出來的很有意思的一本書，Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick)。這本學術性的書給了我正確專業的對於哀傷的洞察，書中提倡家庭成員承認死亡，並一起分享哀傷的經歷。
禮拜二，當我見到一位 Doris和我一起探訪過的舊同事，我的情緒又開始起伏。我們曾經去過他們的家，去探訪這對夫婦和孩子。我發現自己眼淚的源頭有：熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式以及節假日。
禮拜三對於我來說是個突破。我夢見 Doris跟我和一羣人走路的時候，離開我們的人羣，獨自去了一家書店，之後激烈地為自己的選擇或行動辯護。這就是我所認識的 Doris：熱情、生動、真實。我為這些記憶感謝神，不管生動與否，它們將永遠是我的一部分。好心人希望我能夠繼續往前進，但我寧願慢慢來。
禮拜四
這一天的開頭不是太好。早上Doris的姐姐從美國發短信給我：「最近怎麼樣？我們都記掛著你，至少你現在早上感覺好點了。我們長者團契今早為你禱告 - 週年紀念日就快到了，知道你會不容易過。」 當我看到「週年紀念日」幾個字的時候，感覺很傷心，眼淚立即湧了出來。不過那天還算是輕鬆的一天，因為只工作半天。晚上我去了Doris 兒時朋友媽媽的守夜，Doris 會希望我去，那位朋友得了癌症，因為害怕人多，所以沒能參加 Doris的安息禮。我很高興自己盡了努力去了守夜。
禮拜五一整天都沒有流淚，記憶所及是我近來的第一次。我也有時間限制，因為禮拜天我要講道「傳道書」第四章，下禮拜一有個大組的講座，月底還有另外兩個講座，四次中有三次是全新的講章。
禮拜六一切都好，直到一位弟兄分享他最近住院三天的無助感，揭開了我心中有關 Doris 情況轉壞時住院的痛苦回憶。
禮拜天是很好的一天，除了在講台上有一點小傷感。晚上我應邀去聽百老匯音樂會，Lloyd-Webber 寫的歌 “Think of Me” 和 “Love Changes Everything” 令我大有感觸，特別是最後一句 “There will never be a day when I won't think of you” (我沒有一天不想起你).
感恩，我終於慢慢接受了哀傷 - 通常是六個月到兩年的時間。神是永久信實的，雖然在目前我的情況裏，感恩、信任和眼淚還未能分開。
請為我禱告：過去兩個月，我瘦了兩磅。我有些擔心，現在我只有153磅，以我的高度來說太輕了。也為在樂富（華人基督教墳場）有一個好的骨庫位置禱告。最後，請為我四位較年輕的朋友禱告，他們去年先後失去了太太，都是因為癌症 - Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles。我完全理解他們所經歷過的噩夢，盼望他們轉向神，得到拯救和醫治。
這是Doris學生時代第二首喜愛的詩歌
“Lord of the Universe”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor 葉福成 Jul 19
On Tuesday I was emotional seeing an old coworker that Doris and I had visited. We had been to their home to see the family - spouse and child. The constant source of tears so far are familiar faces, religious services and festive holidays.
Wednesday was a breakthrough for me. I dreamed of Doris who separated from a group of us while we were walking and went to a bookstore by herself, later vigorously defended her independent actions. It was Doris as I know her, passionate, vivid and real. I was thankful to God for the memories and realized that they will always be a part of me, livelier or less. Well-wishers hope I could move on, but I would rather slow down.
Thursday did not start off well. Doris' sister from USA texted me in the morning, "How are you these days , have been thinking of you.
At least you are better in the morning now. Our seniors fellowship prayed for you this morning. Anniversary date is around the corner, it will be hard on you." I felt sad the moment I read the word "anniversary" and tears gushed from my eyes. It was nevertheles a relaxing day because it was a half-day work day. At night I went to the wake of the mother of one of Doris childhood friends. Doris would have wanted me to go as the friend had contracted cancer herself and could not attend Doris memorial service for fear of the crowd. I was glad I made the effort.
Friday was a day without tears, my first of late in memory. I could not afford it as I had to preach Sunday on Ecclesiastes 4 and do a big group talk Monday, and two more by end of the month, of which three of four are new materials.
On Saturday all was well until a brother shared the helplessness of being hospitalized for three days lately . It set off sad memories of Doris' worse days of hospitalization.
Sunday was a good day with a minor hiccup at the pulpit. At night I was invited to hear some Broadway songs, but songs from Lloyd-Webber's Think of Me and Love Changes Everything did the job on me, especially the last line, There will never be a day
when I won't think of you.
Finally, I am thankful that I am slowly coming to terms with grieving, which is usually six months to two years. God has always been faithful even though thanksgiving, trust and tears are inseparable presently.
Please pray for me as I have lost one pound each for the last two months. I am worried because I am down to 153 lbs, underweight for my height. Pray also for a good spot at Lok Fu to open up for the urn internment. Finally pray for my four younger friends who lost their wives to cancer the last year- Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles. I perfectly understand the nightmare they had gone through. May they turn to God form salvation and healing.
Here is Doris' second favorite song from student days, Lord of the Universe:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor葉福成
第八個禮拜我繼續在康復，但還沒有完全康復。
禮拜一
我和兩位弟兄去吃自助餐，但感覺乏味。我覺得不好受，因為不管是我自己或是陪伴我的人都不怎麼享受，同樣是這個地方，Doris和我曾經帶她所有的姐姐們一起來吃午餐，而我們是那麼的享受。但那天不算是失落的一天，午餐之前，我閱讀了從 Doris的工作書籍中找出來的很有意思的一本書，Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick)。這本學術性的書給了我正確專業的對於哀傷的洞察，書中提倡家庭成員承認死亡，並一起分享哀傷的經歷。
禮拜二，當我見到一位 Doris和我一起探訪過的舊同事，我的情緒又開始起伏。我們曾經去過他們的家，去探訪這對夫婦和孩子。我發現自己眼淚的源頭有：熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式以及節假日。
禮拜三對於我來說是個突破。我夢見 Doris跟我和一羣人走路的時候，離開我們的人羣，獨自去了一家書店，之後激烈地為自己的選擇或行動辯護。這就是我所認識的 Doris：熱情、生動、真實。我為這些記憶感謝神，不管生動與否，它們將永遠是我的一部分。好心人希望我能夠繼續往前進，但我寧願慢慢來。
禮拜四
這一天的開頭不是太好。早上Doris的姐姐從美國發短信給我：「最近怎麼樣？我們都記掛著你，至少你現在早上感覺好點了。我們長者團契今早為你禱告 - 週年紀念日就快到了，知道你會不容易過。」 當我看到「週年紀念日」幾個字的時候，感覺很傷心，眼淚立即湧了出來。不過那天還算是輕鬆的一天，因為只工作半天。晚上我去了Doris 兒時朋友媽媽的守夜，Doris 會希望我去，那位朋友得了癌症，因為害怕人多，所以沒能參加 Doris的安息禮。我很高興自己盡了努力去了守夜。
禮拜五一整天都沒有流淚，記憶所及是我近來的第一次。我也有時間限制，因為禮拜天我要講道「傳道書」第四章，下禮拜一有個大組的講座，月底還有另外兩個講座，四次中有三次是全新的講章。
禮拜六一切都好，直到一位弟兄分享他最近住院三天的無助感，揭開了我心中有關 Doris 情況轉壞時住院的痛苦回憶。
禮拜天是很好的一天，除了在講台上有一點小傷感。晚上我應邀去聽百老匯音樂會，Lloyd-Webber 寫的歌 “Think of Me” 和 “Love Changes Everything” 令我大有感觸，特別是最後一句 “There will never be a day when I won't think of you” (我沒有一天不想起你).
感恩，我終於慢慢接受了哀傷 - 通常是六個月到兩年的時間。神是永久信實的，雖然在目前我的情況裏，感恩、信任和眼淚還未能分開。
請為我禱告：過去兩個月，我瘦了兩磅。我有些擔心，現在我只有153磅，以我的高度來說太輕了。也為在樂富（華人基督教墳場）有一個好的骨庫位置禱告。最後，請為我四位較年輕的朋友禱告，他們去年先後失去了太太，都是因為癌症 - Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles。我完全理解他們所經歷過的噩夢，盼望他們轉向神，得到拯救和醫治。
這是Doris學生時代第二首喜愛的詩歌
“Lord of the Universe”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor 葉福成 Jul 19
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Week 7
Week seven was a modest turnaround for me. Like I once said, God has His timetable. For the last few weeks I had finished revisiting places I have been to with Doris. On Monday I completed putting together from the night before a series of more than 15 marketplace Bible studies from the Old Testament to the Gospel that Doris had prepared for the Putonghua marketplace ministry since last year. It should be ready for publication next year. Digging through my emails, I was so shock to discover her last completed study was a day before she left us. She is such a dutiful wife, faithful minister and a virtuous woman. It made me more appreciative of her perseverance and will in pain and weakness.
The turnaround began on Tuesday when I spontaneously offered to pray for lunch with a bunch of coworkers. I was fully immersed in morning study, as two sermons were due in the month. As I explained it, "I may as well do it since I feel like it. I am OK this morning." I spoke too soon because by noon I was down again after doing reflection on the Lord's Supper during coworkers prayer meeting. Suffering and death are hard subjects, so I left. At night I watched by accident how the leading actress of the 830pm TVB series second episode of 完美叛侶 grieved her mother's death, especially taking the urn home. I concluded there is no good way to go around it.
The next morning I felt OK enough to reveal to the oldest man in my exercise circle that my wife had passed away. He answered politely, "I know, restrain grief, accept change 節哀順變," the favorite Chinese form of condolence. Like many, it was the only thing he knew how to say, it's trite but I understand. Afternoon was fair, not good.
I had a Thursday morning appointment with a grief group facilitator from one of the two English speaking churches that run a grief group yearly. There is none in Chinese and I was hoping to recommend it to my church. A series on grief for Sunday school crossed my mind, too.
Three fair mornings were interrupted by a teary one on Friday when I took another look at the dried flowers on my desk returned to me this week. Strangely, Doris had previously requested for the flowers to be preserved. I took it home and placed it by her urn. I am still waiting for her remains to be interned this month.
Not only were joint prayers hard, some songs strike a chord, too. On Saturday we sang a salvation song titled Going Home 回家, but the title took a different meaning for me. I had also read a second book on grieving. I understand more the process, the humanness and the complexity of grieving.
I got through Sunday worship but was not prepared for visitors. I gave a group my new book and Doris blog book, and the tears flowed again. At church monthly prayer meeting, which Doris attended with her health permitting, I had to stop a few times in prayer. A n unexpected friend prayed with me. This week I discovered that some aspects of religious services are more powerful than reading a book or watching a movie.
Here is Doris' singing 我的心 你要稱頌耶和華
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
第七個禮拜是我稍微好轉的時間，正如我之前所說：神有祂的時間表。在過去幾個禮拜中，我舊地重遊了與 Doris 曾經一起去過的地方。禮拜一，我完成了之前一晚整理出來，從舊約到新約福音書，超過15篇的職場查經系列， 是Doris 從去年開始為普通話職場事工所準備的，應該明年可以準備好出版了。當從我的電郵中挖掘資料的時候，我非常震驚地發現，她最後完成的一份查經資料竟然是在她離世的前一天！她真是一位盡職的妻子、忠心的僕人、才德的婦人！這令我更加欣賞她的毅力以及在經歷痛苦和軟弱中表現出的意志力。
禮拜二開始有所好轉， 是當我和一群同工一起午餐的時候，我自發地為午餐禱告。我完全集中在早上預備講章 - 這個月有兩篇講道到期。我解釋說：「 我不妨去禱告,因為我覺得不錯。今天早上我ok。」 這句話我說得早了一點，因為到了中午，我的情緒又低落下去了， 在同工祈禱會中我們反思「主餐」，苦難和死亡對於我來說是艱難的話題，所以我提早離開了。晚上我無意中觀看了一個電視節目，有關無線 830pm完美叛侶第二集的女主角如何為她母親的離世哀痛，特別是拿骨灰回家的時候。我得出一個結論，沒有任何好的方法解決哀傷。
第二天早上，我覺得自己ok，於是告訴和我一起做運動的鄰居中最年長的一位先生我太太去世了。他很有禮貌地回應:「我知道，節哀順變。」中國人最常用的安慰弔唁，正如許多人一樣，這是他唯一懂得表達的詞句，雖然有點難接受，但是我可以明白。下午過得還可以，不是太好。
禮拜四早上我約了一位哀傷處理 (grief group) 小組的主持人，香港的兩間英文教會每年會組織一次哀傷處理小組， 他來自其中一間。中文教會暫時還沒有，我希望可以推薦給我的教會，我也閃過一個念頭，開辦哀傷處理的主日學系列。
一連三天還過得去的早晨，被禮拜五早上的眼淚打斷了，就是當我再一次看見這禮拜還給我、放在我桌子上的乾花。奇怪，Doris 之前是要求將那些花保鮮處理。我把它拿回家，放在她的骨灰盒旁邊。我仍在等這個月稍後安葬她。
不單只一起禱告變得困難，有些詩歌也會打動我的情緒。禮拜六我們唱了一首有關救贖的歌，名字叫「回家」，但歌名對我來說卻另有含義。我也閱讀了第二本有關哀傷處理的書，我更瞭解哀傷過程，人性化和複雜性。
禮拜天，參加崇拜我還過得去，但是沒有心理準備接待訪客，當我將自己的新書和 Doris 的微博文章集送給一羣大陸訪客時，眼淚又不由自主地湧了出來。當我在教會的月禱會中 (Doris 體力許可時都會參加) 禱告的時候，我必需停頓幾次擦去眼淚，一位意想不到的朋友過來和我一起禱告。這個禮拜，我發現宗教儀式在某方面，比起閱讀書籍或者看電影更有力。
這是 Doris 唱的「我的心 你要稱頌耶和華」
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
The turnaround began on Tuesday when I spontaneously offered to pray for lunch with a bunch of coworkers. I was fully immersed in morning study, as two sermons were due in the month. As I explained it, "I may as well do it since I feel like it. I am OK this morning." I spoke too soon because by noon I was down again after doing reflection on the Lord's Supper during coworkers prayer meeting. Suffering and death are hard subjects, so I left. At night I watched by accident how the leading actress of the 830pm TVB series second episode of 完美叛侶 grieved her mother's death, especially taking the urn home. I concluded there is no good way to go around it.
The next morning I felt OK enough to reveal to the oldest man in my exercise circle that my wife had passed away. He answered politely, "I know, restrain grief, accept change 節哀順變," the favorite Chinese form of condolence. Like many, it was the only thing he knew how to say, it's trite but I understand. Afternoon was fair, not good.
I had a Thursday morning appointment with a grief group facilitator from one of the two English speaking churches that run a grief group yearly. There is none in Chinese and I was hoping to recommend it to my church. A series on grief for Sunday school crossed my mind, too.
Three fair mornings were interrupted by a teary one on Friday when I took another look at the dried flowers on my desk returned to me this week. Strangely, Doris had previously requested for the flowers to be preserved. I took it home and placed it by her urn. I am still waiting for her remains to be interned this month.
Not only were joint prayers hard, some songs strike a chord, too. On Saturday we sang a salvation song titled Going Home 回家, but the title took a different meaning for me. I had also read a second book on grieving. I understand more the process, the humanness and the complexity of grieving.
I got through Sunday worship but was not prepared for visitors. I gave a group my new book and Doris blog book, and the tears flowed again. At church monthly prayer meeting, which Doris attended with her health permitting, I had to stop a few times in prayer. A n unexpected friend prayed with me. This week I discovered that some aspects of religious services are more powerful than reading a book or watching a movie.
Here is Doris' singing 我的心 你要稱頌耶和華
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
第七個禮拜是我稍微好轉的時間，正如我之前所說：神有祂的時間表。在過去幾個禮拜中，我舊地重遊了與 Doris 曾經一起去過的地方。禮拜一，我完成了之前一晚整理出來，從舊約到新約福音書，超過15篇的職場查經系列， 是Doris 從去年開始為普通話職場事工所準備的，應該明年可以準備好出版了。當從我的電郵中挖掘資料的時候，我非常震驚地發現，她最後完成的一份查經資料竟然是在她離世的前一天！她真是一位盡職的妻子、忠心的僕人、才德的婦人！這令我更加欣賞她的毅力以及在經歷痛苦和軟弱中表現出的意志力。
禮拜二開始有所好轉， 是當我和一群同工一起午餐的時候，我自發地為午餐禱告。我完全集中在早上預備講章 - 這個月有兩篇講道到期。我解釋說：「 我不妨去禱告,因為我覺得不錯。今天早上我ok。」 這句話我說得早了一點，因為到了中午，我的情緒又低落下去了， 在同工祈禱會中我們反思「主餐」，苦難和死亡對於我來說是艱難的話題，所以我提早離開了。晚上我無意中觀看了一個電視節目，有關無線 830pm完美叛侶第二集的女主角如何為她母親的離世哀痛，特別是拿骨灰回家的時候。我得出一個結論，沒有任何好的方法解決哀傷。
第二天早上，我覺得自己ok，於是告訴和我一起做運動的鄰居中最年長的一位先生我太太去世了。他很有禮貌地回應:「我知道，節哀順變。」中國人最常用的安慰弔唁，正如許多人一樣，這是他唯一懂得表達的詞句，雖然有點難接受，但是我可以明白。下午過得還可以，不是太好。
禮拜四早上我約了一位哀傷處理 (grief group) 小組的主持人，香港的兩間英文教會每年會組織一次哀傷處理小組， 他來自其中一間。中文教會暫時還沒有，我希望可以推薦給我的教會，我也閃過一個念頭，開辦哀傷處理的主日學系列。
一連三天還過得去的早晨，被禮拜五早上的眼淚打斷了，就是當我再一次看見這禮拜還給我、放在我桌子上的乾花。奇怪，Doris 之前是要求將那些花保鮮處理。我把它拿回家，放在她的骨灰盒旁邊。我仍在等這個月稍後安葬她。
不單只一起禱告變得困難，有些詩歌也會打動我的情緒。禮拜六我們唱了一首有關救贖的歌，名字叫「回家」，但歌名對我來說卻另有含義。我也閱讀了第二本有關哀傷處理的書，我更瞭解哀傷過程，人性化和複雜性。
禮拜天，參加崇拜我還過得去，但是沒有心理準備接待訪客，當我將自己的新書和 Doris 的微博文章集送給一羣大陸訪客時，眼淚又不由自主地湧了出來。當我在教會的月禱會中 (Doris 體力許可時都會參加) 禱告的時候，我必需停頓幾次擦去眼淚，一位意想不到的朋友過來和我一起禱告。這個禮拜，我發現宗教儀式在某方面，比起閱讀書籍或者看電影更有力。
這是 Doris 唱的「我的心 你要稱頌耶和華」
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Week 6
Six weeks had passed by slowly but surely and so did my flu midweek. On Monday noon I made my way to Tai O Lookout and had high tea at the Tai O Heritage Hotel. Unlike my last visit with Doris I could get a table with a scenic view this time. On the way home I was the sixth customer in a mall barber shop. That gave me time to think and I ordered a buzz cut 陸軍裝 when my turn came. It was shorter than all customers before me. Many suggested it means a new start. It was more like "I am not the same" rather than "I have changed." It was to deal with grief and sadness that would not go away, and hopefully to drive away pent-up frustrations. Baldness at her next year anniversary crossed my mind. At night I cried hard seeing Doris' old class photo.
Tuesday was a lethargic and listless day. By now sore throat was followed by Monday sneezing and coughing Tuesday. It took me a week to get over it. At night eldest sister Vivien and husband were due at the airport. Her plan was to immediately visit our home upon arrival to pay respect to Doris and see her urn. The two other sisters also came at 8pm. Faith brought Doris' favorite lilies in a small vase she said she took from our wedding banquet table for a souvenir many years ago. Vivien and I decided we would like to keep a souvenir from her ashes.
I joined Mok sisters for dinner Wednesday night because eldest sister Vivien and husband were returning to USA after their fact-finding trip to Thailand. This week my memories also tell me I must return to USA hopefully in November to revisit our long honeymoon drive along the Pacific coast highway from southern California to northern California, and then go to Doris favorite Stanley Park in Vancouver.
Thursday was a half day at work for me. Later in the afternoon I revisited Mei Foo and surroundings where we lived eleven months upon our arrival in Hong Kong. I was emotional near Ching Lai Yuen 清麗苑 but not much after. At night I walked to the island pier to quell a sudden burst of tears.
On Friday I realized I have been dreaming for two days in a row. A day earlier I dreamed of a period of tenants from around 1960s talking over each other like from an old black and white TV scene. That was our era. On Friday I dreamed sadly of organizing a worship at the place to intern Doris' ashes. By the way I received news that I had to apply again next month for the internment of ashes because the current batch of places available are visitor unfriendly. The urns there are either placed too low or too high for convenient viewing. I hope to have some form of closure to coincide with the urn internment.
On Saturday I cried in the morning alone in a cafetaria and at night in my prayer walk. At least now the tears are soft and wistful. There is mixed thanksgiving and tears lately, often singing Doris first song from her blog:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, 0 Lord
Great is Your faithfulness.
Sundays at church with familiar faces and parishioners are most draining. I cannot answer positively to the number one question, Are you okay? I often think of Doris who sat with me in the third row on the right. At home I rested and trekked up our local hill to where Doris and I used to sit. It was a good, calm and restful end to the week.
Here is Doris' rendition of her favorite song, Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
第六個星期過得非常緩慢但的確過了，就好像我在禮拜中終於痊癒的感冒。禮拜一中午我去了大澳，在大澳文物酒店的Tai O Lookout 餐廳吃了下午茶。不像上一次我和 Doris 來，這一次我有機會坐在一個有風景的窗口位。在回家的路上，我進了一家位於商場的理髮店， 我是排第六的客人，可以有時間考慮（ 剪什麼髮型） 。輪到我的時候，我決定減一個「陸軍裝」， 比所有在我之前的客人剪得都要短。很多人覺得剪短頭髮意味著一個新的開始，但在我這代表「我不再一樣了」 多於「我已經改變了」；是以此去對付那些難以消失的哀傷和悲感，也希望藉此趕走壓抑著的沮喪。我腦海中閃過一個念頭：明年周年紀念的時候去剃光頭。晚上，當我看到 Doris 以前的學生照時，忍不住痛哭起來。
星期二是昏昏欲睡、無精打采的一天。喉嚨疼已經發展成星期一的打噴嚏和星期二的咳嗽，過了一個禮拜我才好轉。晚上Doris大姐 Vivien 和丈夫到達機場，她計劃下機後馬上來我們家瞻仰 Doris 的骨灰盒。其他兩位姐姐8點也來了， Faith 帶來了Doris 最喜歡的百合花，插放在一個小花瓶裡，她說這花瓶是十多年前她在我們的婚宴桌上拿作留念的，大姐和我決定從她的骨灰盒保留一份紀念品。
星期三晚上我和莫家姐妹們一起吃晚飯，因為大姐 Vivien 和丈夫在泰國的「尋真之旅」之後將會回美國。這個星期我的回憶也提醒我，（希望是在11月）要回去美國重遊我們的蜜月之旅 - 沿著太平洋海岸的高速公路， 從南加州一路駕車到北加州，之後再去 Doris 最喜歡的溫哥華Stanley Park。
星期四是我工作半天。下午， 我舊地重遊了美孚新村以及四周，我們剛到香港的時候曾在那裡住過十一個月。在清麗苑附近，我的情緒有些波動，但之後好快便平復了。晚上，為了平息突如其來的眼淚，我散步走去了離島碼頭。
禮拜五，我發現我已經連續兩天做夢了。之前一天， 我夢見一群好像是六零年代的租客在彼此交談， 好像在黑白電視上看到的場面，那是我們的時代。禮拜五我很傷心地夢見為安葬 Doris 的骨灰組織了一個崇拜儀式。順帶一提，我收到通知，需要下個月為安葬骨灰重新申請，因為現在這批地方非常不方便 - 骨灰盒不是放得太低就是太高，不方便瞻仰。 我希望藉此有某種總結，與安葬骨灰盒為總結。
星期六
早上，我一個人在一間咖啡店哭了起來；晚上，我散步禱告的時候也是這樣。至少現在的眼淚是柔軟並且充滿懷念傷感的，最近當唱著 Doris 博客裡的第一首歌時，感恩和眼淚總是相互交集着：
神愛滔滔活水匆匆湧流，
神愛無限，憐憫沒變遷；
永遠都不會動搖，始終不轉變，
恩主的信實似高天，深恩廣闊萬里。 耶利米哀歌 3:23
禮拜天在教會遇見熟悉的面孔和會友們，最令我控制不住眼淚。我無法積極地回答「你還好嗎？」這類的問題。我時常想起 Doris 和我一起坐在右邊的第三排。回到家我休息了一會，之後登上附近的一座小山， 一個Doris 和我經常去坐的地方。這是一周美好的、平靜安寧的結束。
這是 Doris 所唱的她最喜歡的詩歌。
Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
Tuesday was a lethargic and listless day. By now sore throat was followed by Monday sneezing and coughing Tuesday. It took me a week to get over it. At night eldest sister Vivien and husband were due at the airport. Her plan was to immediately visit our home upon arrival to pay respect to Doris and see her urn. The two other sisters also came at 8pm. Faith brought Doris' favorite lilies in a small vase she said she took from our wedding banquet table for a souvenir many years ago. Vivien and I decided we would like to keep a souvenir from her ashes.
I joined Mok sisters for dinner Wednesday night because eldest sister Vivien and husband were returning to USA after their fact-finding trip to Thailand. This week my memories also tell me I must return to USA hopefully in November to revisit our long honeymoon drive along the Pacific coast highway from southern California to northern California, and then go to Doris favorite Stanley Park in Vancouver.
Thursday was a half day at work for me. Later in the afternoon I revisited Mei Foo and surroundings where we lived eleven months upon our arrival in Hong Kong. I was emotional near Ching Lai Yuen 清麗苑 but not much after. At night I walked to the island pier to quell a sudden burst of tears.
On Friday I realized I have been dreaming for two days in a row. A day earlier I dreamed of a period of tenants from around 1960s talking over each other like from an old black and white TV scene. That was our era. On Friday I dreamed sadly of organizing a worship at the place to intern Doris' ashes. By the way I received news that I had to apply again next month for the internment of ashes because the current batch of places available are visitor unfriendly. The urns there are either placed too low or too high for convenient viewing. I hope to have some form of closure to coincide with the urn internment.
On Saturday I cried in the morning alone in a cafetaria and at night in my prayer walk. At least now the tears are soft and wistful. There is mixed thanksgiving and tears lately, often singing Doris first song from her blog:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, 0 Lord
Great is Your faithfulness.
Sundays at church with familiar faces and parishioners are most draining. I cannot answer positively to the number one question, Are you okay? I often think of Doris who sat with me in the third row on the right. At home I rested and trekked up our local hill to where Doris and I used to sit. It was a good, calm and restful end to the week.
Here is Doris' rendition of her favorite song, Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
第六個星期過得非常緩慢但的確過了，就好像我在禮拜中終於痊癒的感冒。禮拜一中午我去了大澳，在大澳文物酒店的Tai O Lookout 餐廳吃了下午茶。不像上一次我和 Doris 來，這一次我有機會坐在一個有風景的窗口位。在回家的路上，我進了一家位於商場的理髮店， 我是排第六的客人，可以有時間考慮（ 剪什麼髮型） 。輪到我的時候，我決定減一個「陸軍裝」， 比所有在我之前的客人剪得都要短。很多人覺得剪短頭髮意味著一個新的開始，但在我這代表「我不再一樣了」 多於「我已經改變了」；是以此去對付那些難以消失的哀傷和悲感，也希望藉此趕走壓抑著的沮喪。我腦海中閃過一個念頭：明年周年紀念的時候去剃光頭。晚上，當我看到 Doris 以前的學生照時，忍不住痛哭起來。
星期二是昏昏欲睡、無精打采的一天。喉嚨疼已經發展成星期一的打噴嚏和星期二的咳嗽，過了一個禮拜我才好轉。晚上Doris大姐 Vivien 和丈夫到達機場，她計劃下機後馬上來我們家瞻仰 Doris 的骨灰盒。其他兩位姐姐8點也來了， Faith 帶來了Doris 最喜歡的百合花，插放在一個小花瓶裡，她說這花瓶是十多年前她在我們的婚宴桌上拿作留念的，大姐和我決定從她的骨灰盒保留一份紀念品。
星期三晚上我和莫家姐妹們一起吃晚飯，因為大姐 Vivien 和丈夫在泰國的「尋真之旅」之後將會回美國。這個星期我的回憶也提醒我，（希望是在11月）要回去美國重遊我們的蜜月之旅 - 沿著太平洋海岸的高速公路， 從南加州一路駕車到北加州，之後再去 Doris 最喜歡的溫哥華Stanley Park。
星期四是我工作半天。下午， 我舊地重遊了美孚新村以及四周，我們剛到香港的時候曾在那裡住過十一個月。在清麗苑附近，我的情緒有些波動，但之後好快便平復了。晚上，為了平息突如其來的眼淚，我散步走去了離島碼頭。
禮拜五，我發現我已經連續兩天做夢了。之前一天， 我夢見一群好像是六零年代的租客在彼此交談， 好像在黑白電視上看到的場面，那是我們的時代。禮拜五我很傷心地夢見為安葬 Doris 的骨灰組織了一個崇拜儀式。順帶一提，我收到通知，需要下個月為安葬骨灰重新申請，因為現在這批地方非常不方便 - 骨灰盒不是放得太低就是太高，不方便瞻仰。 我希望藉此有某種總結，與安葬骨灰盒為總結。
星期六
早上，我一個人在一間咖啡店哭了起來；晚上，我散步禱告的時候也是這樣。至少現在的眼淚是柔軟並且充滿懷念傷感的，最近當唱著 Doris 博客裡的第一首歌時，感恩和眼淚總是相互交集着：
神愛滔滔活水匆匆湧流，
神愛無限，憐憫沒變遷；
永遠都不會動搖，始終不轉變，
恩主的信實似高天，深恩廣闊萬里。 耶利米哀歌 3:23
禮拜天在教會遇見熟悉的面孔和會友們，最令我控制不住眼淚。我無法積極地回答「你還好嗎？」這類的問題。我時常想起 Doris 和我一起坐在右邊的第三排。回到家我休息了一會，之後登上附近的一座小山， 一個Doris 和我經常去坐的地方。這是一周美好的、平靜安寧的結束。
這是 Doris 所唱的她最喜歡的詩歌。
Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)