Week thirty six coincides with Chinese New Year, so it's a vulnerable week. On Monday we had our family reunion dinner. At first we planned to eat outside, but I did not want relatives to spend money, so I suggested to eat at older sister's home an hour away. Besides sister no. 4 can only come at 745pm because she had to feed a dog and a cat, herself last.
The next day I had dinner with my mentor Herman Tang, his wife Eleanor, Ho family, and a co-worker. It was a good fellowship and a personal honor to treat a great and godly man.
On Wednesday night I had a bad dream that the leaders of my fellowship were split into pro-Hong Kong and international parties, more on the HK side, and feelings ran high with the fellowship leader lining up literally on the HK side as both parties came up to line on both sides at the front of the platform.
On Thursday I had a special dinner night with a buddy, his family and another family. I brought dessert and we spent some time together, ending with prayer. These buddies always think of my need, thankful.
The next day on new year's Eve I was teary early in the morning. The next surge of sentiment came as I reached office, but a co-workers presence at the MTR quickly dried it up. In the evening a buddy presented orchids to Doris for the festive season, actually a gift from two good buddies. I was touched again. At night I was glad a church leader invited me to UST for reunion dinner with his family and nephew. After that we had Chinese dessert at Whampoa, a nice gesture and a night's relief for all. I bought bakery for the family.
On the first day of Chinese new year I got up with the feeling I should not stay home even though last night I planned to spend a quiet morning at our downstairs cafeteria. At least I was ready to tackle the day as I said, Good morning, Lord. Good morning Wife. Then I packed my PC, put the chain of Doris I had worn around my neck for my USA trip, and went to our favorite cafeteria in Tung Chung, ordering mocha and a pork roll and doing close to four hours work there. I skipped the lunch buffet nearby that shot up from $158 to $238. Since the food court was closed for good to turn into stores, I decided to go home for lunch. After a swim later I decided to go to our nearest nearby mall for high tea, but the shrewd pizza restaurant limited tea hours from three to four thirty, leaving me late by half an hour. I ate Thai food from high tea to dinner time, going home at seven to do more work at home.
After Sunday worship, the missions speaker Dr. L invited me to lunch. I asked him why he insisted on lunch together he said, I thought you have treatment我以為你有treatment 但係你睇起來都幾好精神but you look alert。Not so fast, but it's a good reminder.
Finally, my prayer for 2017 new year:
Lord,
Touch my heart,
Transform my mind,
Toughen my body,
Try my being.
Jan 31, 2017
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Week 35
Week thirty five climaxed with eight months without my beloved Doris. On Monday I stayed at home till 430pm when I arrived at Yuen Long to meet a family from Couples Fellowship at their new residence, where we were joined by a coworker couple. I enjoyed the carefree talk we had. Knowing the reception, I did my hour long prayer walk at noon after lunch at my favorite island eatery.
At Tuesday's coworker Chinese New Year lunch there were some tears from singing the song 依靠耶和華. No matter how I widened my eyes to hold back the tears, it didn't work. When the chair asked coworkers to greet each other with the song title or say God bless you, I turned to my coworker and said, How do I say it 點講好？He expertly replied, No need to say 唔洗講。
The next day I wrote down a quote from Nouwen's book: Life is from dependence to dependence. He refers to our helplessness as a babe to a senior. I met a neighbor who had cancer and she told of reading Doris' blog book many times to comfort herself, praise God! At night I attended the funeral of a parent to one of our cell group leaders. It was the least I could do knowing how tough grief was for the family.
On Thursday I was refused medical checkup because my ID was not in my wallet. Worse, I did not know when I lost it but it must be after my USA trip. What a bummer. I called immigration twice to find a next day appointment. I also wasted my overnight fasting. At office I was encouraged by study on Psalms 13 for my future sermon. Three months ago I cried like a baby hearing it read at a retreat, but now it lifted me up.
The next day I had a midnoon appointment with a seminary student that turned up well. It is not my forte to mingle with those less than 30, but I'm getting the hang of it. The new committee 交職禮 for Couples Fellowship was inaugurated at night, for lack of better word. I was designated to lead Bible study for them on the book of Acts till they find a new pastor (not much prospect).
On Saturday morning's worship I met an oncologist who saw Doris once free and gave consultation generously. I called his name and he invited me sit with him and his wife. He said he saw me but was unsure if I remembered him. It was his first time attending Saturday morning worship and my only time there as a non speaker to hear the topic of God's kingdom that was not preached. During worship I was moved to pray for them, and they were thrilled. I learned from the day's message that asked, How did you experience God lately? Doris learned faster than me in the joy of experiencing God. Later in mid noon a buddy cut my hair to get ready for the special day tomorrow. Many are catching up to why I cut my hair short on a particular day.
Sunday is eight months without Doris. All was well until before bed when the dam broke. I asked myself, Did I do or care enough? Why did she leave me? Numerous questions, but no answers. I held on to her favorite Korean blanket to sleep the night away.
Finally the bittersweet song Tuesday that evokes memories:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oOwAENjQ4xI
Jan 24, 2017
At Tuesday's coworker Chinese New Year lunch there were some tears from singing the song 依靠耶和華. No matter how I widened my eyes to hold back the tears, it didn't work. When the chair asked coworkers to greet each other with the song title or say God bless you, I turned to my coworker and said, How do I say it 點講好？He expertly replied, No need to say 唔洗講。
The next day I wrote down a quote from Nouwen's book: Life is from dependence to dependence. He refers to our helplessness as a babe to a senior. I met a neighbor who had cancer and she told of reading Doris' blog book many times to comfort herself, praise God! At night I attended the funeral of a parent to one of our cell group leaders. It was the least I could do knowing how tough grief was for the family.
On Thursday I was refused medical checkup because my ID was not in my wallet. Worse, I did not know when I lost it but it must be after my USA trip. What a bummer. I called immigration twice to find a next day appointment. I also wasted my overnight fasting. At office I was encouraged by study on Psalms 13 for my future sermon. Three months ago I cried like a baby hearing it read at a retreat, but now it lifted me up.
The next day I had a midnoon appointment with a seminary student that turned up well. It is not my forte to mingle with those less than 30, but I'm getting the hang of it. The new committee 交職禮 for Couples Fellowship was inaugurated at night, for lack of better word. I was designated to lead Bible study for them on the book of Acts till they find a new pastor (not much prospect).
On Saturday morning's worship I met an oncologist who saw Doris once free and gave consultation generously. I called his name and he invited me sit with him and his wife. He said he saw me but was unsure if I remembered him. It was his first time attending Saturday morning worship and my only time there as a non speaker to hear the topic of God's kingdom that was not preached. During worship I was moved to pray for them, and they were thrilled. I learned from the day's message that asked, How did you experience God lately? Doris learned faster than me in the joy of experiencing God. Later in mid noon a buddy cut my hair to get ready for the special day tomorrow. Many are catching up to why I cut my hair short on a particular day.
Sunday is eight months without Doris. All was well until before bed when the dam broke. I asked myself, Did I do or care enough? Why did she leave me? Numerous questions, but no answers. I held on to her favorite Korean blanket to sleep the night away.
Finally the bittersweet song Tuesday that evokes memories:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oOwAENjQ4xI
Jan 24, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Week 34
Week thirty four was a blessing in disguise. On Monday I had lunch with a friend who is returning to Canada for ministry due health reasons 四高 after five years in HK. After lunch I went to a bookstore with a USA friend who also wanted to have a look at his old church. At the bookstore a worker replied when I asked for 同作門徒：冇曬咗! Later we visited his old pastor and wife, who had insomnia for two years since her brother committed suicide twelve years ago and her sister is also depressed. She herself came out of depression lately over a verse - there is no fear in love. When she asked me how I was lately, i said my three weeks trip to USA gave me closure, but my USA friend, an established psychology professor who returns yearly to do research for one of HK's two leading universities, diplomatically chimed in, saying, "Closure is inhumane because it means you have no feelings and connection to the loved one anymore." I was surprised this is the current view in psychology, so I have to rethink, but I was glad for this new perspective.
The next day I was back to the grind because it was sermon week on another difficult passage, Ecclesiastes 10, a sermon halfway done two months ago before my trip to USA. Worse is there were no illustrations, and translation must be done, so I knew the week and work were not looking good.
On Wednesday I woke up to a silly dream. A coworker was teasing me for being able to hold my tears while Some was eyeing me. It is a change because it is now not about Doris, but my struggles. Another dream this week was about an overcrowded cemetery where people cannot figure out which urn was that of their loved one.
Thursday was a frustrating IT day. My phone had switched lately to SAFE mode once but it returned to normal, but this time it did not, so I thought I had to reload my WhatsApp since the icon was missing. When I did so I did not realize I had clicked uninstall, so two days of WhatsApp messages were missing when I reinstalled it because backup was two days ago. I could have kicked myself but important messages were resent to me by friends. Most important my abbreviated messages to Doris were still in her phone.
The next day a counselor from a buddy's Fellowship took us out for lunch. It was nice to have folks remembering coworkers for Chinese new year. At night I attended men's Fellowship gospel talk. The biggest surprise was my publisher announced the third edition of our book 同作門徒 in less than a year. I was touched but saddened at the same time. https://www.facebook.com/victor.yap.1401/posts/10155060077774994?notif_t=like¬if_id=1484319092543210
The next day was tiring. The department vetting was in the morning, department yearly lunch was noon, department meeting at two, coffee with a buddy after, prestudy kickoff for a Fellowship studying同作門徒, short dinner, return to fellowship, what a long day. Going home I ironed my clothes and worked on the third point of the sermon.
Sermon day arrived, but not before Sunday school lesson at 845am for 35 students. They truly enjoyed the 同作門徒 class. The sermon was a blessing from God as many thanked me and appreciated it. A critic even came up to me to call an indirect truce. A friend enthused: 感謝主！太太説今天听牧師講道有很大得著！👍🙏👏 聖靈工作，牧師也很用心！ 傳道書作為講章預備很難我覺得。At night I finished reading Henri Nouwen's A Letter of Consolation, a compilation of letters to his upset father when Nouwen's mother passed away, with this concessionary piece from chapter seven: "Now I see why it is false to say that a religious person should find death easy and acceptable. Now I understand why it is wrong to think that a death without struggle and agony is a sign of great faith. These ideas do not make much sense once we realize that faith opens us to the full affirmation of life and gives us an intense desire to live more fully, more vibrantly, and more vigorously. If anyone should protest against death it is the religious person, the person who has increasingly come to know God as the God of the living."
Finally I had to hold back tears listening to this song in Couples Fellowship:
如此認識我
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PvFFG7cyU_c
Jan 17, 2017
The next day I was back to the grind because it was sermon week on another difficult passage, Ecclesiastes 10, a sermon halfway done two months ago before my trip to USA. Worse is there were no illustrations, and translation must be done, so I knew the week and work were not looking good.
On Wednesday I woke up to a silly dream. A coworker was teasing me for being able to hold my tears while Some was eyeing me. It is a change because it is now not about Doris, but my struggles. Another dream this week was about an overcrowded cemetery where people cannot figure out which urn was that of their loved one.
Thursday was a frustrating IT day. My phone had switched lately to SAFE mode once but it returned to normal, but this time it did not, so I thought I had to reload my WhatsApp since the icon was missing. When I did so I did not realize I had clicked uninstall, so two days of WhatsApp messages were missing when I reinstalled it because backup was two days ago. I could have kicked myself but important messages were resent to me by friends. Most important my abbreviated messages to Doris were still in her phone.
The next day a counselor from a buddy's Fellowship took us out for lunch. It was nice to have folks remembering coworkers for Chinese new year. At night I attended men's Fellowship gospel talk. The biggest surprise was my publisher announced the third edition of our book 同作門徒 in less than a year. I was touched but saddened at the same time. https://www.facebook.com/victor.yap.1401/posts/10155060077774994?notif_t=like¬if_id=1484319092543210
The next day was tiring. The department vetting was in the morning, department yearly lunch was noon, department meeting at two, coffee with a buddy after, prestudy kickoff for a Fellowship studying同作門徒, short dinner, return to fellowship, what a long day. Going home I ironed my clothes and worked on the third point of the sermon.
Sermon day arrived, but not before Sunday school lesson at 845am for 35 students. They truly enjoyed the 同作門徒 class. The sermon was a blessing from God as many thanked me and appreciated it. A critic even came up to me to call an indirect truce. A friend enthused: 感謝主！太太説今天听牧師講道有很大得著！👍🙏👏 聖靈工作，牧師也很用心！ 傳道書作為講章預備很難我覺得。At night I finished reading Henri Nouwen's A Letter of Consolation, a compilation of letters to his upset father when Nouwen's mother passed away, with this concessionary piece from chapter seven: "Now I see why it is false to say that a religious person should find death easy and acceptable. Now I understand why it is wrong to think that a death without struggle and agony is a sign of great faith. These ideas do not make much sense once we realize that faith opens us to the full affirmation of life and gives us an intense desire to live more fully, more vibrantly, and more vigorously. If anyone should protest against death it is the religious person, the person who has increasingly come to know God as the God of the living."
Finally I had to hold back tears listening to this song in Couples Fellowship:
如此認識我
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PvFFG7cyU_c
Jan 17, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Week 33
Week thirty three was an emotional week for me because it falls within Doris' birthday. On Monday a USA friend asked me to join him for lunch that stretched to five hours. We ate wonton noodles, followed by ramen noodles, then coffee and dessert at IFC, and fruit somewhere else. In the middle of coffee when I wrote about my dream of Doris the previous week waiting for me at a terminal, teardrops fell from my eyes. My friend was kind and sensitive enough to hand me tissues without signaling.
The next day at work I could not wait to continue working on Proverbs 31, the text for Doris' memorial service on June 18, 2016, to be delivered coming May on the occasion of the first year anniversary of Doris' loss. This will be an extended version rather than the shortened version.
On Wednesday morning I went with a buddy to a cremation service for the mother of a coworker. I am more sensitive and supportive after Doris' loss, plus the instinct to keep a buddy company because he's been doing a memorial service for a few weeks now.
The next day I finished watching the second hour of the movie Castle in the Sky that coworkers were talking about when one of them had a robot from the movie for wallscreen. I thanked God who ironically prepared the movie for me pending Doris' birthday two days later. The affection, sacrifice and freshness of youngsters Pazu and Sheeta made me wept before bed, thinking of days with Doris.
Friday was Doris' birthday, relatives alerted me. I was so mindful of the day of her loss but not so her life, so it's a reminder to cherish both. A buddy rushed me to HK's flower streets and I was content with a bunch of five short roses plus other flowers after circling the block the second time. At dinner time when I asked a close friend why her relative having dinner with us never asked me how I was doing, she explained that they do not want to face her death , a trait that runs in the family. After I sent the picture of the flowers to friends, a replied made me tear up: "Happy Birthday Doris!!! She is more beautiful than roses!"
I was invited to fellowship dinner at night. The group and spirit were excellent. I told them my plan for leading the book of Acts for them in April including recruiting leaders from the three zones to write Bible study questions with me once a month. They are far better in Chinese than me since Doris used to write the questions for Fellowship.
Sunday rolled around. A friend of mine said he wanted to dine with me and talk about my future book releases. At noon I was given 1 Cor 15 the resurrection passage and it was difficult for me emotionally at the pulpit. Two songs in two worships that day took a toll on me, 誰能使我與神的愛隔絕 and Come People of the Risen King. It was strange because I was pretty sure the public tears had dried up after USA trip. It was acceptable because I was preaching in an English speaking church. After church I prayed for a younger minister whose first baby died prematurely and the urn internment was days ago. He said he held the urn when it was first available to him and cried. I shared the same thing happened to me. I took the pot in my arms and cried all the way home by bus to the island, and shaved to short hair two days after till present. Few people understand what it feels like to have a loved one's life shortened before reaching the prime of life.
Finally the two songs that touched me this week:
誰能使我與神的愛隔絕
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pLwpVwv7q9Q
Come People of the Risen King
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FTozNg-AaIg
Jan 10, 2017
The next day at work I could not wait to continue working on Proverbs 31, the text for Doris' memorial service on June 18, 2016, to be delivered coming May on the occasion of the first year anniversary of Doris' loss. This will be an extended version rather than the shortened version.
On Wednesday morning I went with a buddy to a cremation service for the mother of a coworker. I am more sensitive and supportive after Doris' loss, plus the instinct to keep a buddy company because he's been doing a memorial service for a few weeks now.
The next day I finished watching the second hour of the movie Castle in the Sky that coworkers were talking about when one of them had a robot from the movie for wallscreen. I thanked God who ironically prepared the movie for me pending Doris' birthday two days later. The affection, sacrifice and freshness of youngsters Pazu and Sheeta made me wept before bed, thinking of days with Doris.
Friday was Doris' birthday, relatives alerted me. I was so mindful of the day of her loss but not so her life, so it's a reminder to cherish both. A buddy rushed me to HK's flower streets and I was content with a bunch of five short roses plus other flowers after circling the block the second time. At dinner time when I asked a close friend why her relative having dinner with us never asked me how I was doing, she explained that they do not want to face her death , a trait that runs in the family. After I sent the picture of the flowers to friends, a replied made me tear up: "Happy Birthday Doris!!! She is more beautiful than roses!"
I was invited to fellowship dinner at night. The group and spirit were excellent. I told them my plan for leading the book of Acts for them in April including recruiting leaders from the three zones to write Bible study questions with me once a month. They are far better in Chinese than me since Doris used to write the questions for Fellowship.
Sunday rolled around. A friend of mine said he wanted to dine with me and talk about my future book releases. At noon I was given 1 Cor 15 the resurrection passage and it was difficult for me emotionally at the pulpit. Two songs in two worships that day took a toll on me, 誰能使我與神的愛隔絕 and Come People of the Risen King. It was strange because I was pretty sure the public tears had dried up after USA trip. It was acceptable because I was preaching in an English speaking church. After church I prayed for a younger minister whose first baby died prematurely and the urn internment was days ago. He said he held the urn when it was first available to him and cried. I shared the same thing happened to me. I took the pot in my arms and cried all the way home by bus to the island, and shaved to short hair two days after till present. Few people understand what it feels like to have a loved one's life shortened before reaching the prime of life.
Finally the two songs that touched me this week:
誰能使我與神的愛隔絕
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pLwpVwv7q9Q
Come People of the Risen King
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FTozNg-AaIg
Jan 10, 2017
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Week 32
Week thirty two was a tiring week snucked between Christmas and New Year. In all honesty I cannot let go of 2016 to live out 2017. On Monday I was bothered by my memory gaps, upset by a lunch I missed because dinner with Doris' brother from UK overshadowed everything. True to form, her quiet brother spoke liitle and I did not ask or attempt much after the opening question, "How long will you be in Japan?" At least he said a hearty goodbye after dinner. Part of the reason I missed lunch was also because I was engrossed in revising 文法聖經 yesterday to confirm to international standards using the NA27 manuscript instead of KJV. Also without Doris there's less motivation for food, fun or festivity.
Tuesday come with a testimony I must share. The previous week I won the office lottery $1000 winning prize, of which $787 was spent on tea group at Tang's on same day. This Tuesday when I took a neighbor coworker's family to lunch, his wife excitedly talked about how they cheered when I won the prize, so I told her we can use part of the money left for lunch that day. When the bill came, she screamed because the bill was $213, all that was left of the money! Now coworkers cannot eye my leftover money! At night I had dinner with a USA friend that used to take me out for birthday meal before Doris fell ill. It was nice to see an warm old friend.
The next day there was a HK drama of a president with amnesia, favoritism, put downs, a larger than life character and disoriented. I walked for more than an hour, praying for work, colleagues and safeguarding in HK .
On Thursday less than three weeks back from USA I was already feeling the emotional, mental and work stress, waking up at 330am for over half hour before getting back to sleep. Nearing dawn I had a dream of taking a bus or train to find Doris wearing blue top and white bottom expectedly waiting for me at the end of the terminal. Short but emotional to write it. Thankfully next morning was my day off. At night on my own time I attended an alum family memorial service. Tears rested on my eyeballs but I could hold it off now since returning from USA.
On Friday I woke up to a dream of me and a missionary and a banner that says "I will respond to the salvation of the world." I told my missionary friend who wisely said, "Salvation belongs to the Lord as he is the Lord of the harvest. It is a privilege that we can be co-workers with God in his harvest."
Saturday morning I was groggy and napped at 11am but it gave me super strength for the rest of the day's writing of Acts 1, which I was inspired to do due a buddy's fantastic study of John. At night I attended a wedding more confident in my own skin than the last wedding before I flew to USA. Before I felt uneasy alone attending a wedding.
Sunday arrived and the pth service meets 14fl now. It was a long day as I planned to support a buddy's late noon program. I was about to go for dinner at 7pm when I saw a coworker hard at work for Sunday school next week. I coaxed him to go home as it was a holiday, even going out to dinner with him and his patient wife, in the process recruiting two others in the office as well.
Lord, let me walk along you,
Not ahead of you or away from you!
Jan 3, 2017
Tuesday come with a testimony I must share. The previous week I won the office lottery $1000 winning prize, of which $787 was spent on tea group at Tang's on same day. This Tuesday when I took a neighbor coworker's family to lunch, his wife excitedly talked about how they cheered when I won the prize, so I told her we can use part of the money left for lunch that day. When the bill came, she screamed because the bill was $213, all that was left of the money! Now coworkers cannot eye my leftover money! At night I had dinner with a USA friend that used to take me out for birthday meal before Doris fell ill. It was nice to see an warm old friend.
The next day there was a HK drama of a president with amnesia, favoritism, put downs, a larger than life character and disoriented. I walked for more than an hour, praying for work, colleagues and safeguarding in HK .
On Thursday less than three weeks back from USA I was already feeling the emotional, mental and work stress, waking up at 330am for over half hour before getting back to sleep. Nearing dawn I had a dream of taking a bus or train to find Doris wearing blue top and white bottom expectedly waiting for me at the end of the terminal. Short but emotional to write it. Thankfully next morning was my day off. At night on my own time I attended an alum family memorial service. Tears rested on my eyeballs but I could hold it off now since returning from USA.
On Friday I woke up to a dream of me and a missionary and a banner that says "I will respond to the salvation of the world." I told my missionary friend who wisely said, "Salvation belongs to the Lord as he is the Lord of the harvest. It is a privilege that we can be co-workers with God in his harvest."
Saturday morning I was groggy and napped at 11am but it gave me super strength for the rest of the day's writing of Acts 1, which I was inspired to do due a buddy's fantastic study of John. At night I attended a wedding more confident in my own skin than the last wedding before I flew to USA. Before I felt uneasy alone attending a wedding.
Sunday arrived and the pth service meets 14fl now. It was a long day as I planned to support a buddy's late noon program. I was about to go for dinner at 7pm when I saw a coworker hard at work for Sunday school next week. I coaxed him to go home as it was a holiday, even going out to dinner with him and his patient wife, in the process recruiting two others in the office as well.
Lord, let me walk along you,
Not ahead of you or away from you!
Jan 3, 2017
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