Week ten ends with our wedding anniversary, the perfect day to end my journal. It coincides with the completion of the first English draft of Doris study questions in our book and reading the final chapter of a book In Doris' collection. The archives are on my blog http://etransplant.blogspot.com.
I might share her devotions later.
On Monday morning I finally completed the first draft translating Doris Bible study questions from Fellow Disciples 同作門徒, a task she had begun up to chapter eight, one third through the book. It was important to me to print it in as many languages because we both believed in discipleship, the book and multiplying resources. At noon I went in Doris' place to join her childhood schoolmates for monthly lunch. Doris was most comfortable with them, always remembering them as the kids they were. She would either try to join them for lunch before leaving for Macau or return on the day of lunch. After that I made my half hour speaking debut at the book fair to introduce our book 同作門徒. It was quite a big deal when I realized later we were the only invited book author featured by our publishers. At night I had dinner at a co-worker's place.
Tuesday was a busy day in a busy week as I began putting together Psalm 102 A Prayer of the Afflicted. I managed to wrap up two points on a sermon I began months ago. At night I was thrown off by a remark the local supermarket cashier said, "Haven't seen your wife for a long time." Recovering my composure I replied, "My wife passed away more than two months ago." She continued, "I saw she was getting better." The tears welled up to my eyeballs but held off from dropping. When I reached home, I told Doris, "I'm sorry I could not do better."
On Wednesday morning I was emotional thinking of a memorial to the "rest area" dream Doris had when she passed without fear through a long dark tunnel to find a rest area on the other side. I started translating my Sunday sermon to Chinese before my noon meeting. Work really can occupy one's mind.
On Thursday I met a USA friend for lunch before I put in more time on the sermon, thinking I could work from home next day, but I got a call to come in for work lunch the next day. I was happy this week for the third night in a row I got to do my 45 minutes prayer walk in contrast to one night last week.
On Friday I finished up my sermon by noon, and I was happy as a lark. This week I confessed to a coworker that I realized I am lost too. It happened when I realized I could not think of what to preach in October in place of the temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 that I had planned to do but it was no longer meaningful to me. No wonder "loss" is close to "lost."
On Saturday, the Eve of our anniversary, the tears kept coming. It began when the Taiwan host who offered lodging to me and two other workers on Aug 22-26 asked if I need lodging before conference since I will be there five days earlier for a needed holiday. When I said my brother will be joining me and so I have booked a hotel, the answer sounded I was so alone to have need for my brother with me. I texted coworkers in my chat group and four cheered me up. After a drink I went to cut my hair for tomorrow's anniversary. I asked the barber, What mm can I cut to without going bald? He answered, 3, 6, 9, 12 . I chose 3. It was so short I could feel a breeze on my head, even two Putonghua fellowship members jumped on their feet and opened their arms to embrace their pastor. At night the tears returned to remind me it's not over.
On Sunday I finished reading the last chapter of Living Beyond Loss (Walsh), the most helpful book for me to understand more about death, loss, separation, religiosity, blame, shame and guilt. At noon I finally delivered my sermon with some tears, not overdone, which I am thankful. I prepared for the big day by asking our friend Dr Kwan, who previously took Doris and I for bird-watching, to take me bird-watching. Doris liked it so much she bought a pair of binoculars. Along with good friend Hartman we went to Tat Mun 塔門 to watch terns and later at Sai Kung to watch eagles near the pier and had dinner there. Thankful for friends. I had no time to pine that night.
Pray for my coming sermon on Ecclesiastes 5 this Sunday. The hardest chapters from one to four is over, but I have time constraints. A series like this is better so I do not have to rack my brain thinking what's next.
So ends ten weeks, no longer than Israel's mourning for Jacob (Gen 50:3). The death of a spouse is the biggest stressor in life, 100 points according to experts, more than divorce (73 points), jail or death of a close family member (both 63 points) and personal injury or illness (53 points).
It's not that I am ready to move on. I often tell others my hair cut only means I am changed (passive voice), not I have changed. I will never be the same. There is more to go and grow, by faith. It is a process I got to process. I have started memorizing a Psalm verse from anniversary day on. It is a good way to focus, not forget. After ten weeks I can work like normal, but that's not what I want. The best is to pray, like my dear wife always said. Also, pray for my bearing, landing and footing in this experience.
Below are seven new songs from Doris:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
Truly, blessed are those who mourn!
Victor葉福成 Aug 2, 2016
第十個禮拜以我們的結婚週年作為終結，是這篇日誌告一段落的完美日子。很凑巧，我完成了我們書中的查經問題的英文版第一稿，也正好看完 Doris 藏書其中一本的最後一章。日誌存檔在我的博客上 http://etransplant.blogspot.hk
稍後我可能會分享她的靈修。
禮拜一早上，我終於完成了翻譯 Doris 的「同作門徒」查經問題的第一稿，這是她早前已經開始的一項工作，已經翻譯到第八章，是整本書的三分之一。對我來說，將這書翻譯成更多的語言非常重要，因為我們兩人都堅信門徒訓練、這本書以及資源倍增。中午，我去參加了 Doris 童年的校友每月一次的午餐聚會，Doris 和她們在一起的時候最自然，還一直記得她們都是兒童時的情景。以前她總是盡量去澳門之前，或者午餐那天回港參加。之後，我為介紹新書「同作門徒」的面世，在書展演講了半個小時，原來這是蠻大的一件事，後來我才知道，我是唯一被出版商從外邀請做新書介紹的作者。晚上我在一位同事家吃飯。
禮拜二，忙碌的一周中忙碌的一天，因為我要開始把詩篇102（困苦人的禱告）資料集中起來，基於我數月前開始準備的一篇講道內容，我總結出兩大點。晚上，我被家附近超級市場一位收銀員的話打亂了，「很久沒有見到你太太了。」 冷靜下來之後，我回答她：「我太太已經去世兩個多月了。」她繼續說：「 我看她好像慢慢好轉了。」眼淚充滿了我的眼睛，但沒有掉下來。回到家的時候，我告訴 Doris :「對不起，我沒能做得更好。」
禮拜三早上，當我想到 Doris 曾經做過的一個「休息處」的夢， 情緒開始起伏。在夢裡，她無懼地走過一條又黑又長的隧道，成功在隧道的另一端找到一個可以休息的地方 (rest area)。中午開會前，我開始將禮拜天的講章翻譯成中文。工作實在可以大大佔據一個人的精神。
禮拜四，我和一個美國來的朋友一起吃午飯，然後再準備講章，打算第二天可以在家工作，可是接到一個電話，通知我第二天回來有工作午餐。我很開心，這個禮拜連續三晚有45分鐘的禱告散步，對比上週只有一晚。
禮拜五中午，我完成了講道的準備工作，開心得像一隻小鳥。這個禮拜我向一位同工坦白承認，我覺得自己也迷失了 。當我意識到自己不知道十月講道要講什麼，去代替馬太福音第四章中有關耶穌受試探，本來我打算這樣做，但現在對我來說，那章信息不再有意義。難怪「損失 loss」 和「迷失lost」兩字是那麼接近。
禮拜六，我們結婚週年的前夕，我的眼淚繼續不斷地流。台灣那邊8月22-26日華福大會期間提供住宿給我和另外兩個同工的主辦者， 知道我會提早五天到台灣，問我會議之前需不需要住宿安排。當我告訴他們，我的哥哥會和我一起度假，所以我已經訂了酒店，這回答聽起來我極度孤獨，所以需要哥哥陪伴我。我發短信給同事的群組，有四位同事回覆了，想讓我打氣。喝了杯東西之後，我為明天的結婚週年去理髮。我問理髮師，除了剃光頭，我可以有什麼長度mm選擇。他回答3mm，6mm，9mm，12mm。我選了3。非常短，以至於我感到一陣風在頭上，甚至兩個普通話團友驚訝得跳起來，來擁抱他們的牧師。到了晚上，眼淚再一次提醒我，哀傷還沒有過去。
禮拜天，我看完了 Living Beyond Loss (Walsh) 的最後一章，這是一本對我極有幫助的書，令我更了解死亡、失去、分離、宗教、怪責、羞恥和內疚。中午，我最終在講道的時候掉了眼淚，但算不過分，我很感恩。為了準備這個大日子， 我請我們的朋友關醫生帶我去觀鳥，以前他曾經帶過 Doris 和我去觀鳥。 Doris 非常喜歡，還買了一副望遠鏡。加上好朋友 Hartman 一起，我們去了塔門看燕鷗，再去西貢碼頭附近看鷹，然後在那裡吃晚飯。感激朋友們，那天晚上我沒有時間去懷念。
請為我這個禮拜天講道「傳道書」第五章禱告。最難的第一章到第四章已經過了，但現在我有時間方面的限制，這種系列性的講道還好一點，我不必絞盡腦汁思想下一篇要講什麼。也請為我經歷的方向，途徑和落腳起到。
十個禮拜結束了，沒有以色列為雅各哀哭的時間長，「薰屍的常例是四十天；那四十天滿了，埃及人為他哀哭了七十天。」（創50：3）。配偶離世是人生中最大的壓力來源，根據專家，有100分，比離婚（73分），坐牢或者近親離世（63分），身體受傷或疾病（53分）都要大。
這不是說，我已經準備好繼續前進了。我告訴別人，剪短髮只是代表我被改變了（被動式），不代表我已經改變了，我將永遠不再一樣了。憑著信心，還將有更多的經歷和成長，這是我必須分析(process)的過程 (process)。從結婚紀念日起，我開始每天背一段詩篇， 這是一個很好的方法去集中精神，而不是去忘記事情。十個禮拜之後，我可以如常工作，可是那並非我所想要的。 「禱告才是最好的」， 正如我親愛的妻子時常說的。
以下有七首Doris分享的詩歌：
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
的確，哀慟的人有福了！
Victor葉福成 Aug 2, 2016
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