Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Week 22

Week twenty two is a little bit better but for some worries too. On Monday I had lunch with two workers and then we visited a new coworker at Baptist Hospital. After that I joined a new friend at TST book fair. He shared about returning to his old job after giving ministry a short try. He just needed friendship and wanted to support me as well.

Tuesday begins another week at the office, but it is sermon week for me, the second sermon two weeks in a row. I have another two weeks later, making it three new sermons in a month. I usually keep my head down and get the job done. Ecclesiastes 8 is rich and satisfying, but it's a lot of work.

The next day was a rainy day, with the black rain signal causing the cancellation of deacons meeting at night. After dinner I walked the island's covered corridors, but still the rain was too heavy in between corridors where pedestrians can get soaked. I could only think of Doris every step I take. She would join me at times, walked reservedly and gave up halfway when the swirling rain between corridors was unbearable while I kept on walking.

On Thursday I woke up to the fear of losing memories of Doris. At night I comforted a heartbroken young man who was heartbroken and  identified with him in tears. It is now second nature to me.

On Friday I woke to a long dream. I hurriedly gave up on playing badminton, then rushed to join house shopping with Doris at a place where we suspected a robbery was taking place, with her younger nephew pushing her wheelchair. I was glad I could feel Doris again. A typhoon signal no. 8 blanketed Hong Kong from morning till the signal was taken down at 530pm. It meant I could not buy flowers for Doris' fifth month anniversary tomorrow, cut my hair or attend a coworkers birthday lunch.

On Saturday I finally got my hair cut from a coworker, then attended a wedding , followed by wedding dinner at night. I did not buy flowers again because the dinner ended late at night.

Sunday was here. I hurriedly printed my last illustration to add to my sermon. There was drama when 90 overseas folks joined worship, but it was orderly. I sniffed a little at the pulpiy but held up. That morning I finally bought flowers nearby church and my tears betrayed me as I took them home.

Oct 25

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Week 21

Week twenty one was similar to week twenty but on a lighter note. Monday I visited Doris alumni sister and her unsaved father in Yuen Long. There was nothing I could do because he was bent on unbelieving and arguing. Later I walked downtown to remember my earlier work days here.

Tuesday night emotions caught up to me. A good friend agreed to drive me along southern Californias coast when I return to USA in November so that I can get back to the trail that Doris and I took on our honeymoon and to lodge at Carmel. I will leave Nov 17 for three weeks.

The next morning I woke up to a dream of convincing Doris to eat food. She was always careful to eat food that is healthy, and I was trying to persuade her to eat what I bought her, saying it is frequented by lots of customers at a cleaner location.

On Wednesday there was no time to waste because Saturday sermon was round the corner and I was still behind by a day or two in work. I have to be very disciplined because I got three new sermons coming up in next four weeks, now I know how last minute people feels. Shoulder blade pain and a sprained neck also bothered me for two weeks in a row.

My sermon preparation was further compounded by a wedding rehearsal on Thursday. I was glad for coworkers help so that I just needed to practice and direct the vows. My preparation was harder than usual since the groom is from another church and I had switch to their Chinese names instead of the brides normal English name.

There was a lot to do on Friday, one day away from sermon delivery. I shared with a friend that today was a good week, but he quipped the week is not over. At night I had dinner with middle sister, bringing a bread I baked for two sisters.

On Saturday there were lots of tears. I woke up 5am to work on some missing pieces in the sermon.In the morning a kind friend asked me to join a retreat in China, so I told friend my plan to drive Pacific coast highway to our honeymoon destination, and in the process the tears returned. At the wedding the groom started crying when the bride entered, so that made me emotional. At night during the sermon in Luke 4 Jesus temptation, I questioned why Doris had cancer, suffered and died,in contrast to Psalm 91 where the Messiah was promised to be guarded and his foot not dashed: "because he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all your ways."The answer is in verse 14 "because" : *because*
he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, *because* he hath known my name. The devil said the "because" in verse 11 but left out other two important "because" in verse 14. I was comforted because, like the Son, Doris love for the Father never changed no matter the circumstances and results.

Sunday was a calmer day. We had a good marketplace study on passing the baton, from Paul to Ephesus elders in Acts 20.

Add a verse that inspired me Sunday: Luke 9:62 And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.  Oct 18

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Week 20

Week twenty was one of my better weeks, except for a few days. Monday was a busy day as I joined two USA friends and their friend for lunch and my neighbors family for dinner. The USA friend surprised me by visiting my church the day before. My tears welled up upon seeing an old friend.

The next day was a little teary. A friend introduced me to a man who kept his wife's urn at home too. The man who lost his wife eight years ago told me he had no problems even though he did not seal the urn top. The man did not remarry, but his last eight years were characterized by misery in the first year, lost in the second to six years, and loneliness in the last two due his kids growing up and his frequent travel. He was so open, honest and vulnerable acknowledging his pain that I cried with him in prayer, so did my friend. I cannot identify with someone more.

Wednesday was a calm day. I spent an hour preparing four coworkers to coteach with me over two days of training for overseas coworkers at the end of the month. Hope it bears fruit. 

On Thursday I have a friend from Singapore suddenly arriving in town for a conference. We had lunch in Central. He has a blessed ministry now, but he had such an unbelievably hard time after his first wife died and he remarried. It almost ended his ministry. We both remember the songs in my car that comforted him at his lowest point when he visited me in Los Angeles. I wish I can listen to the album again to comfort myself, but I gave it away upon leaving USA. 

On Friday our department welcomed visitors from Taiwan. I must say our department coworkers did a good job. At night I had dinner with Doris' middle sister Faith and her husband Chiu before we joined Fellowship together, they at newcomers group because Chiu is a new believer. Over dinner Faith told me they are planning to visit her mother's grave urn in Sunday Chun Yeung festival and wanted to have dinner with me afterwards. Doris and I seldom go to cemetries for the years she had cancer. Faith said we can have dinner at kwai fong nearer where I live. I said, I can come to Hong Kong and save you guys a trip. She said, No I plan to pay respect to little sisters 小妹 urn at your home. I was shocked because she disagreed with keeping Doris urn at home out of the fear she had from seeing Doris depart the last day at home. I turned to her husband and said, You better come to join dinner too. Your wife is afraid. He asked his wife, Are you afraid? Faith answered, Of course. Finally all's well that ended well on the urn.

On Saturday I shared with a coworker the latest events in my life, including how easily sad events made me cry nowadays. True, others pain and conflict grieved me as well. In the sharing I could not help but felt it again. At night I rushed home after Fellowship because one of Doris' former students were waiting at home for me so that he could take books Doris wanted to give away to benefit Macau students.

A song 我的神 我的父 touched me deeply Sunday morning. At prayer meeting I sobbed after knowing a church leader in the same prayer group that day has cancer and needs operation on 26th. After prayer meeting I rushed to buy Doris favorite fish 班, clams and mogua, and roast pork for Chiu before heading home for their arrival including younger sister Marion. It was first dinner for us four at home and the first time using and washing so many utensils. Doris had lots of flowers, from my lilies to the yellow and white flagrant flowers 香花 Faith.  Faith cried in front of urn before they left, triggering me as well. Praise God the family can move on and maintain peace.

Finally, a verse that comforted me this week: Habakkuk 2:4 Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by his faith. 

Oct 11

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Week 19

Week nineteen began no different from other weeks except it ended worse. On Monday I met with two sets of Doris friends, her two Los Angeles church sisters and her HK SPCC friends by noon. One from Los Angeles stayed with us ten days a few months after we were married because she had returned to HK and was back in USA to take her professional exams. I was surprised when she said Doris invited her, I had no idea or memory!

On Tuesday I had a disagreement with relatives about where to keep her urn, at Lok Fu or at home. One relative does not prefer it at home because the memory of the last day of Doris' life at home scared her because relative was there. Another said it is traditonal to be at cemetery. Third says dIfferent people grieve and mourn differently. My point was I can see urn daily, upkeep better, provide flowers, and greet urn daily. Further relatives go grave sites once or twice yearly. The tussle was enough to make me cry. The draw for her number to pick lots was tomorrow, Wednesday, and so the discussion was brought up. My own brother supported my idea. The irony is that they prefer their ashes scattered. At night I had dinner with old USA members and I told them my dilemma because one of my friend's sisinlaw passed away one month earlier than Doris and my friend's brother who was dining with us that night also; he had her wife's urn at home without a fuss.

The discussion was raised again next day because of input from  relative on USA time zone. It was serious and personal enough to warrant an audio attached to me. At 1104am the cemetery sent me a phone message to tell me our number is 551. Later I found out from the web that means we get 551th pick out of 650. So we decided to go next day to check the site. In California one in five people keep  relatives remains at home http://www.cremationsocietyofphiladelphia.com/people-keep-loved-ones-ashes-home/
I had to admit work stress and relative issues were getting to me. At night Doris' Kingston pastor 盧鋼 was in town, so we had dinner with Canada alumni.

A friend and a staff member on separate occasions this week advised me to take a look at the selection site before our pick next day Friday, so younger sister and I went only to find out that our date was the last of tgree days to pick, and good spots were already taken.

Friday came and two sisters went with me to Lok Fu. It was terrible. There were few good spots left, all were top or bottom . Younger sister declared it was the last attempt because there was no guarantee of a good draw next time, and we were told the next date for news spots is unknown. Temporarily I won the tussle with younger sisters declaration, until the next time it is brought up.

Saturday was a holiday here and I met with USA alumni to comfort person over leaving pastoral ministry. The pain of and encouraging others increased my vulnerability, and it made me grieve at night on my bed before sleeping. Maybe it was the holiday effect.

On Sunday I was at my worse at leaders retreat. The song 神坐著为王 and Psalm 13 reading made me burst into uncontrollable tears:
Psalms 13:1 To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David. How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? forever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?  
Psalms 13:2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
The speaker's tears also hit a soft spot. 

At night, however, I had a wondrous dinner and sang joyous songs of praise.

Oct 4