Week 8

Week eight is a continual recovery, but don't think complete recovery. On Monday I went with two brothers for a buffet but it was flat. I felt bad neither I nor the company with me could  enjoy the same place Doris and I so enjoyed previously in taking all her sisters to lunch. But it was not a lost day. I took from Doris' work collection an interesting book to read before lunch, titled Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick). It is an academic book that gave me the right kind of professional insight into grief. It advocates family acknowledgment of death and sharing the grief experience.

On Tuesday I was emotional seeing an old coworker that Doris and I had visited. We had been  to their home to see the family - spouse and child. The constant source of tears so far are familiar faces, religious services and festive holidays.

Wednesday was a breakthrough for me. I dreamed of Doris who separated from a group of us while we were walking and went to a bookstore by herself, later vigorously defended her independent actions. It was Doris as I know her, passionate, vivid and real. I was thankful to God for the memories and realized that they will always be a part of  me, livelier or less. Well-wishers hope I could move on, but I would rather slow down. 

Thursday did not start off well. Doris' sister from USA texted me in the morning, "How are you these days , have been thinking of you.
At least you are better in the morning now. Our seniors fellowship prayed for you this morning. Anniversary date is around the corner, it will be hard on you." I felt sad the moment I read the word "anniversary" and tears gushed from my eyes.  It was nevertheles a relaxing day because it was a half-day work day. At night I went to the wake of the mother of one of Doris childhood friends. Doris would have wanted me to go as the friend had contracted cancer herself and could not attend  Doris memorial service for fear of the crowd. I was glad I made the effort.

Friday was a day without tears, my first of late in memory. I could not afford it as I had to preach Sunday on Ecclesiastes 4 and do a big group talk Monday, and two more by end of the month, of which three of four are new materials.

On Saturday all was well until a brother shared the helplessness of being hospitalized for three days lately . It set off sad memories of Doris' worse days of hospitalization.

Sunday was a good day with a minor hiccup at the pulpit. At night I was invited to hear some Broadway songs, but songs from Lloyd-Webber's Think of Me and Love Changes Everything did the job on me, especially the last line, There will never be a day
when I won't think of you.

Finally, I am thankful that I am slowly coming to terms with grieving, which is usually six months to two years. God has always been faithful even though thanksgiving, trust and tears are inseparable presently. 

Please pray for me as I have lost one pound each for the last two months. I am worried because I am down to 153 lbs, underweight for my height. Pray also for a good spot at Lok Fu to open up for the urn internment.  Finally pray for my four younger friends who lost their wives to cancer the last year- Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles. I perfectly understand the nightmare they had gone through. May they turn to God form salvation and healing.

Here is Doris' second favorite song from student days, Lord of the Universe:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0

Victor葉福成

第八個禮拜我繼續在康復，但還沒有完全康復。

禮拜一
我和兩位弟兄去吃自助餐，但感覺乏味。我覺得不好受，因為不管是我自己或是陪伴我的人都不怎麼享受，同樣是這個地方，Doris和我曾經帶她所有的姐姐們一起來吃午餐，而我們是那麼的享受。但那天不算是失落的一天，午餐之前，我閱讀了從 Doris的工作書籍中找出來的很有意思的一本書，Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick)。這本學術性的書給了我正確專業的對於哀傷的洞察，書中提倡家庭成員承認死亡，並一起分享哀傷的經歷。

禮拜二，當我見到一位 Doris和我一起探訪過的舊同事，我的情緒又開始起伏。我們曾經去過他們的家，去探訪這對夫婦和孩子。我發現自己眼淚的源頭有：熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式以及節假日。

禮拜三對於我來說是個突破。我夢見 Doris跟我和一羣人走路的時候，離開我們的人羣，獨自去了一家書店，之後激烈地為自己的選擇或行動辯護。這就是我所認識的 Doris：熱情、生動、真實。我為這些記憶感謝神，不管生動與否，它們將永遠是我的一部分。好心人希望我能夠繼續往前進，但我寧願慢慢來。

禮拜四
這一天的開頭不是太好。早上Doris的姐姐從美國發短信給我：「最近怎麼樣？我們都記掛著你，至少你現在早上感覺好點了。我們長者團契今早為你禱告 - 週年紀念日就快到了，知道你會不容易過。」 當我看到「週年紀念日」幾個字的時候，感覺很傷心，眼淚立即湧了出來。不過那天還算是輕鬆的一天，因為只工作半天。晚上我去了Doris 兒時朋友媽媽的守夜，Doris 會希望我去，那位朋友得了癌症，因為害怕人多，所以沒能參加 Doris的安息禮。我很高興自己盡了努力去了守夜。

禮拜五一整天都沒有流淚，記憶所及是我近來的第一次。我也有時間限制，因為禮拜天我要講道「傳道書」第四章，下禮拜一有個大組的講座，月底還有另外兩個講座，四次中有三次是全新的講章。

禮拜六一切都好，直到一位弟兄分享他最近住院三天的無助感，揭開了我心中有關  Doris 情況轉壞時住院的痛苦回憶。

禮拜天是很好的一天，除了在講台上有一點小傷感。晚上我應邀去聽百老匯音樂會，Lloyd-Webber 寫的歌 “Think of Me” 和 “Love Changes Everything” 令我大有感觸，特別是最後一句 “There will never be a day when I won't think of you” (我沒有一天不想起你).

感恩，我終於慢慢接受了哀傷 - 通常是六個月到兩年的時間。神是永久信實的，雖然在目前我的情況裏，感恩、信任和眼淚還未能分開。

請為我禱告：過去兩個月，我瘦了兩磅。我有些擔心，現在我只有153磅，以我的高度來說太輕了。也為在樂富（華人基督教墳場）有一個好的骨庫位置禱告。最後，請為我四位較年輕的朋友禱告，他們去年先後失去了太太，都是因為癌症 -  Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles。我完全理解他們所經歷過的噩夢，盼望他們轉向神，得到拯救和醫治。

這是Doris學生時代第二首喜愛的詩歌
 “Lord of the Universe”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0

Victor 葉福成 Jul 19