Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Week 18

Week eighteen is a clearer week. I met a few USA friends on holiday on the first day the week. One asked me why I prefer to stay in HK? I said, "Doris wants me here so that I can still have friends." She protested, "But we are your friends." I said, "I cannot return to the same church because your present pastor's ministry would be disrupted."

Tuesday was not a good day. A coworker prayed for me and the tears flowed. I was out of strength throughout the day until I slept at home and had dinner.

I was ok on Wednesday after my crying the day before wiped me out. Wednesday was a busy day as I had to preach again on Sunday. Praise the Lord as I managed two points.

On Thursday I had dinner with Doris alumni baby sister who is now in North America but was very close to Doris previously. She told me that one of Doris' worries was that I might not get my PR in time due her fading health, which I did November last year, her gift to me. Another alumni with her brought four packs of Kleenex, but I only used one piece. Alumni baby sister months ago told Doris she will visit her in September, but Doris said, "I don't think I can wait that long." God has His timing because alumni baby sister came just as her father celebrated his birthday but had a fall and had hip surgery when she was here.

On Friday I feverishly completed my 文法聖經 as I had to hand over the 393 pages of the New Testament grammar to the editing friend to complete the design. Self publishing is less than HK$40.

On Saturday morning dreams of Doris woke me up. There were three short sequences but the only thing I remember is her question in reply, "Wouldn't it be better  for us to go somewhere quiet?" I still treasure these dreams. At noon a coworker's father had a stroke but died shortly by evening. News of his sudden death brought instant tears to my eyes. It was that effective. I couldn't help but identify and empathize with death in the family.

Sundays preaching turned out fine. I was more like sniffing than sobbing this time. I shared from Ecclesiastes 7 (better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting) and included the sharing of Doris USA nephew who decided to attend her memorial service in HK instead of attending a wedding in Alaska, where he had bought tickets and arranged accommodation:
“So the wedding was some college friends from my college fellowship and it was in Alaska. I had already bought my plane tickets and planned some living arrangements with some people. But I felt that it was better to go to the memorial service and spend time with our family. And to support and encourage you and my mom and her sisters. I had to cancel my flight to Alaska. I got some of the money back but lost some of the change fee. I don't remember but i think a few hundred. I was encouraged to see all the support for our family and all the different people that she touched with her life. I also was blessed with seeing how the service was Christ centered and reminded us that we are not yet home. Hmm I helped to support the family and went in the hearse with Auntie Doris.”

September 27

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Week 17

Week seventeen is better but not by much. Monday was a good day when I led a USA friend's father to Christ. The daughter in law told friends: 有好消息和大家分享。老公話葉牧昨日探訪其實時間很短,主要內客佢講師母離去的見証,(佢講時都眼濕濕),同分享福音的寶貴。之前,老爺都唔係第一次聽,而且我老爺個人都幾驕傲自負。但神的作為是不可解釋的,昨晚老爺做了決志,接受了主基督救恩。感謝神的慈愛和憐憫,也感激牧師的幫助,也多謝各弟兄姊妹的多方代禱,才能見証神的大能。將榮耀頌讃都歸於我主我神,Allelujeah! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Tuesday at Men's Fellowship I was ok whole day until prayer time when the person to my left prayed for me. A brother from China said that in China family members usually paint their home or rearrange the furniture after the death of a family member, so I understand more why I cut my hair short to make a change. 

On Wednesday a coworker complimented me by saying I have everything (in ministry) but it only served to trigger tears in me because I do not have Doris anymore. After less than a years break I was aggrieved to know that I was left out of a study group. 

On Thursday I was invited to be the godfather to a friend of Doris who was expecting. I choked back tears knowing Doris requested It because of her love for children and her friends. It was also the event of midautumn holiday in Hong Kong. A coworker invited me to dinner. I declined his offer to give me a ride from the MTR and made my way to his home. There we had wonderful dinner with his family.

On Friday a former student asked me why my hair is so short and I told through sobs that I cut my hair two days after I got my wife's ashes back from the crematorium to reflect my grief. Otherwise I had a good lunch with a coworker to keep me occupied on a holiday. I also instinctively texted my wife, Baby how are you? 

On Saturday I wrote to our former Sunday school students if they wanted a copy of Doris memorial blog gift book. About fifteen said yes. At night I had dinner with Doris sisters at Faith's place. Walking there brought back plenty of memories of our frequent travel to Tai Koo.

On Sunday a parishioner cried looking at me when I should hand with her, which made me cry too. The pastor shared how he fought nonstop with his father after his mother committed suicide in China and he had to stow away to Hong Kong to reunite with his father. His mother had taken the then there year old boy and one year old daughter to China in hope of selling the family home but suffered like all in China and killed herself.The  father and son fights stopped when he found two books his father had stored, one我的前半生 talked of his earlier happier days with his wife. That made the pastor  wiped tears from his eyes, and so did I thinking of my beloved Doris. After worship we had marketplace Bible study with a patchwork of Doris old application questions, but praise God it worked. One of the questions 有那些人是你看不起或鄙視的?你在禱告中會提及他們嗎? worked so well that I have been praying for those who rejected me from the study group.

September 21, 2016

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Week 16

Week sixteen was an emotional one. On my Monday off-day tears rolled down my cheeks in the morning. Working on my 文法 Bible could not stop it. It only reminded me work cannot deny grief. Later I had lunch with Doris sisters. Walking the Central bridge reminds me of our many trips to the Macau ferry. Her sisters plan to take me to Doris' school St Paul Co-ed that day was canceled due heavy rain.

On Tuesday a coworker apologized publicly to me for neglecting me in my loss, but it only served to trigger an outburst from me. The fresh pain of losing Doris was more powerful than the neglect.

The next day I met a man from UK who was introduced by a BSF leader. He is a lawyer and he accepted Christ last year before his wife passed away recently in June and he wanted to connect with me. It was a good experience. Originally from HK, Ho shared, " Why and how do men exist ? What's the meaning of life ? How to face death  ? These questions had always been in my mind.  I had been searching for an answer.  I went to church. I studied books on philosophy and Buddhism. I thought that I could obtain the answer by knowledge and hard work.  I also thought that I could only have a religious belief only if I had fully understand and proved everything. My wife is  a devoted Christian. She also served in church. I accompany my wife to church but I doubted about the preaching. Once, my wife introduced Pastor So to me. He talked about gospel , but I'm doubtful.  Sometimes, I heard about witnesses and felt moved.  But I would tell myself I'm being too irrational and too haste. In 2015, we knew that wife had cancer. I felt worried and helpless.  I called a former running coach. I cried and said sorry to God. There had been too much pride in me.  I had been doing things in my own ways. I had rejected God. Now God had  forgiven me.  I confirmed my belief  before Pastor So."

The next day a friend revealed that he had suicidal thoughts when his mother passed away. The younger man complimented me for my rational thinking and emotional outlet.

Friday was a good day. It'd better be. My sermon was two days ahead, so i had to pick up speed and set my head straight. Praise the Lord it was almost done by day's end.

On Saturday I asked a member if i could have back Doris' journal questions from I Thessalonians to Jude that she had written in a book. She surprised me by saying she had typed all the notes. I sobbed. My plan is to preach through all the books after the current Ecclesiastes series ends. At fellowship night I was confronted by the questions Doris herself wrote in chapter three of 同作門徒:
寫下你在跟從主的路上還未能放下/撇下的人和事, 障礙是甚麼? 寫下它並為此禱告, 求神的幫助。

Sunday arrived and I ended my sermon right on time to join the annual meeting. I told the congregation of the peace I have with Doris' urn at home. The annual meeting on Sunday was inspiring. No wonder Doris was inspired last year, but I did not have same feeling then because I was not in the main hall. 

September 13

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Week 15

Week fifteen did not turn out better for me. Yesterday I counted my days without Doris to begin today, Monday. Tears streamed from my eyes morning and night thinking of my baby. At night I decided to cut my hair to reflect and reduce my grief. I asked the young barber, Is 3mm the shortest? He said, Can do 2mm. I said ok. After I sat down he said, Can do 0mm. I said, Next year.

I woke up next day and texted Doris, Happy 100th day in heaven! Since 100 days officially began 10pm last night I decided to skip  church buffet and eat quietly, but buddy Cheng went with me. At night a pastor's kid took me to dinner. I bought a Hong Kong soccer Jersey for myself and red lilies for Doris.

On Wednesday I sobbed receiving a text from Becky:
I can see how much you love her, who wouldn't ? God is love, we love cos God loves us. I miss her too. See her someday in heaven.

On Thursday night I rearranged Doris' urn desk and the tears unexpectedly came down. I still miss her a lot, 100 days won't do. The room smells good with lilies.

On Friday I went with Doris sister and brother in law to our big fellowship. Quite a few couldn't recognize me for my hair. It was good to say hi to those who did.

The next day my first pastor from Singapore came to Hong Kong and we had breakfast. Surprisingly I was most alert that morning. 76 year old John Chang offered to take moon cakes to my mother in Singapore. At noon I had to get cracking on my sermon next week. I had put it down for months. Going home I received a text from a Chinese group I had trained ten years ago in Rome that I had reconnected with at Taiwan CCCOWE last week. To a question about a restaurant lady Doris age who learned fastest among the class, one of the leaders replied, Except for that sister who died years ago all are well 除了秀聪姐妹多年前因病已归主怀其他人都好

Sunday was a big test. Not only was our worship relocated, I was invited to kick off a group's introduction to our book同作門徒. Unfortunately I came home 6pm, and so I bought can sardines from a smaller store for dinner because I was too tired to shop.

September 6