Week 5

The fifth week was marred by sickness. Monday was the second last day for my brother David and his wife in Hong Kong, so I had plenty to do. They had wanted to ride the Ngon Ping cable car, so off we go in the morning. In the afternoon I had to run a few errands, including getting a few of Doris' gift book to Doris oldest sister Vivien from USA before she leaves on Wednesday to Thailand for a fact-finding mission trip and then return to Hong Kong for two days before heading home to USA. I handed the books to her when the whole family had dinner together the same night.

On Tuesday morning I sent my brother and his wife to the airport before returning to work. My brother and I had grown closer these five days. I felt low and was mildly depressed the rest of the day. It is the first time since the funeral that I return by myself to my house.

The feelings reached a crescendo Wednesday. It gave way to tears, fatigue, and lack of motivation. All day I felt like wailing, especially late afternoon when I had to go home. I could not pinpoint what it was. Unknown to me it was the exactly the first month since Doris left me (22nd). A friend of Doris texted me at night: "Victor, I know today will be a hard day for u cos Doris passed away last month on this day. I just prayed that God himself comfort u." I asked a younger widower whose wife passed away from cancer how he coped on his wife's first month of passing away. He replied, "Thinking of her, I would cry."

On Thursday morning three friends joined me on a Macau trip to close Doris bank accounts,as she had instructed, even though there was not much money there. A USA friend Karl had asked me several times to get together, but my heart was not in it, so this was the best time to go away with persistent friends. I close one bank account but I had to use many documents I brought. Another bank says I can withdraw all money but not close unless the two signatories showed up to close the account. After that we ate at the most famous Portuguese food at the beach.

On Friday morn I woke up at 230am and slept again at 430am. It was nervous time as today was the date to collect Doris' ashes. The plan was to call her sisters to join me at the agent's office, but the afternoon passed by without a call, so the plan was aborted. I had also asked a friend who had a car to join us because we could not hail a cab previously near the agent's office. The text arrived at 8pm and he could deliver the urn to church the next day, and even take me to Kwai Fong to board the village shuttle home.

As suspected I was sick. The dry throat the day before was now a full-blown sore throat, so I visited the doctor and was given a day off, but I still had to pick up the urn from the agent noon time at church. I did not ask Doris' sisters to join me because the agent's time was flexible and tight. When he picked me up I thanked him for the special favor of taking me to Kwai Fong. Once on the bus shuttle holding the ash pot the dam in me burst. My baby is going home. There is no better place to be until a place for her opens up at the Lok Fu ChristIan cemetery next month or so. I cannot bear for her remains to be in an unfamiliar office. She has asked me before if it is OK for her remains to be by my side if no suitable place was found. Of course not; I am not scared, I told her. Her ideal was always with me, in  island living.

On Sunday I slept for a long time as I was still recovering from sickness with no sign of getting better. I could not concentrate during worship after taking medication, so I left the worship safely in the hands of Rev. So who was the speaker. I grabbed a book by J. I. Packer on grief that a coworker placed on my table. Here are his ten tips for grieving the loss of a loved one:
1. Starting from where you are, do what you can (it may not be much at first) to move toward thanksgiving, submission, and patience.
2. Do not let your grief loosen your grip on the goodness and grace of your loving Lord.
3. Cry (for there is nothing biblical or Christian, or indeed human, about the stiff upper lip).
4. Tell God your sadness (several of the psalms, though not written about bereavement, will supply words for the purpose).
5. Pray as you can, and don’t try to pray as you can’t. (That bit of wisdom is not original to me, nor was it distilled in a grief counseling context, but it is very apropos here.)
6. Avoid well-wishers who think they can cheer you up, but thank God for any who are content to be with you and do things for you without talking at you.
7. Talk to yourself . . . about the loved one you lost.
8. Do not try to hurry your way out of the inner weakness you feel; grieving takes time.
9. Look to God as thankfully, submissively, and patiently as you can (and he will understand if you have to tell him that you cannot really do this yet).
10. Feel, acknowledge, and face, consciously and from your heart, all the feelings that you find in yourself at present, and the day will come when you find yourself able, consciously and from your heart, to live to God daily in thanksgiving, submission, and patient hope once again.
At home I slept for a good two hours in the afternoon, and at night with fellowship brothers and sisters.

Here are the Memorial Service and Cremation service for those who asked:
Doris' Memorial Service https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_BWq0b0pdU Crematorium https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU3464e4aPY

第五個星期被生病破壞了

禮拜一
我哥哥和他太太在香港的最後兩天，所以我挺忙的。他們想去坐昂坪360纜車，我們一早便去了。下午，我跑了幾趟腿，其中包括拿幾本Doris的書給她從美國來的大姐Vivien，她星期三將會去泰國一個「宣教工場」，之後回香港待兩天再回美國。晚上，全家一起吃晚飯的時候，我把書交給了她。

禮拜二早上，上班之前，我送了哥哥和嫂嫂去機場。我和哥哥這五天相處下來，親密了很多。那天我覺得悶悶不樂，情緒有些低落， 這是葬禮之後，我第一次獨自一人回家。

禮拜三，低落的情緒加強，帶來眼淚、疲倦後缺乏動力。一整天我都有想哭的感覺，特別是下午快要回家的時候。我不能確定是什麼，我不知道，原來那天是 Doris離開我整整一個月（22號）。 Doris的一位朋友晚上發短信給我：「Victor，我知道今天對你來說會是一個不容易的日子，因為Doris在上個月的今天離開了。禱告神親自安慰你。 」 我問一位年紀比我輕的喪偶者，他怎麼應付半年前失去患癌症妻子的第一個月紀念，他回答說：「想著她便哭出來吧。」

禮拜四早上，三位朋友陪我一起去了澳門取消Doris的銀行戶口 - 她吩咐我這麼做，雖然銀行戶口裡沒有多少錢。一位美國朋友Karl問過我很多次想見面，但是我不太有心情，所以這次是個大好機會，和很幾位有堅持的朋友一起出去走走。我取消了其中一個銀行賬戶，需要用到很多帶去的文件。另一間銀行告訴我，我可以提取所有的錢，但是不能取消賬户，除非有兩個（開戶人的）簽名。之後我們在沙灘最有名的葡萄牙餐廳吃飯。

禮拜五早上，我2:30醒了，4:30又睡著了。我很緊張，因為今天要去取Doris的骨灰。原定計劃是打給她的姐姐們，一起在代理的辦公室等。但下午一直沒有收到（代理的）電話，原定計劃取消。之前我也問了一位有車的朋友，叫他和我們一起去，因為上一次我們在代理的辦公室附近攔不到計程車。晚上8點收到短信：他可以第二天將骨灰盒送到教會，再送我去葵芳坐回家的村巴。

一如猜測我病了，前一天乾乾的喉嚨發展成了喉嚨痛。於是我去看了醫生，拿了一天病假，可是我仍然需要回教會，中午約了代理拿骨灰盒。我沒有通知Doris的姐姐們過來，因為代理的時間（很彈性也很急）。當他來載我的時候，我謝謝他的特別安排，送我去葵芳。抱著骨灰盒上了村巴，我裡面決堤了，我的寶貝將要回家了。在下個月樂富的基督教墳場為她準備好一個地方之前，沒有一個地方好得過家。我不能忍受將她的遺體放在一個陌生的辦公室。她曾經問過我，如果找不到合適的地方，可不可以將她的遺體放在我旁邊。我告訴她我不會害怕，她的理想就是一直和我一起，在小島居住。

禮拜天我睡了很長時間，因為我還沒有從病中恢復過來，沒有一點康復的跡像。崇拜吃藥之候，我不能集中思想，於是我中途離開了，很放心 - 蘇牧師是當天的講員。我拿起一本一位同事放在我的桌子上J. I. Parker有關哀傷的書A Grief Sanctified，這是他提出如何處理失去至親的十個建議。

1. 在你現在的處境當中盡力（可能一開始並不多）朝向感恩、順服和忍耐的心境。
2. 不要讓你的哀傷令你懷疑神的良善和恩典。
3. 哀哭吧（聖經中、基督教、或是人性的，並沒有要抑制情緒的表達）。
4. 向神傾訴你的哀傷（一些詩篇雖然不是有關喪親之痛，但提供了適合這方面的禱文）。
5. 能夠的話就禱告，但如果你做不到，不要勉強嘗試（這部份的智慧並不是我的原創，也不是在哀傷輔導中學的，但用在這裡很適合）。
6. 避開那些自認為可以讓你開心起來的好心人，為那些與你同行並默默支持你的人感謝神。
7. 自言自語，告訴自己有關失去的那位親人的事。
8. 不要試圖急於從你內在的軟弱感中出來，哀傷需要時間去處理。
9. 盡你所能，以感恩、順服和耐心仰望神（但如果你告訴衪，你現在真的還做不到，衪會明白）。
10. 有意識地從內心觸摸、承認並面對現在所有在你裡面的感受。有一天將你會發現，你又重新能夠有意識地從內心、在每一天的生活中，向神活出感恩、順服、耐心和盼望。

下午，我在家睡了足足兩個小時。晚上和弟兄姐妹們團契。

以下是Doris的安息禮拜和火葬禮視頻：
安息禮拜 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_BWq0b0pdU 
火葬禮 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU3464e4aPY

Victor葉福成, June 28