Week 1

Dear friends of Doris,
It's been a week since my beloved Doris left me. Her struggle till the end was 唔捨得 fondness for me versus being with Christ.I will remember her last dream, walking without pause or fear through a long dark tunnel to find a rest area at the end of the tunnel. I asked her if it was a bad dream, she said No. I treaded with caution asking it in the negative because dreams caused her much emotional suffering, as strong as physical suffering to her. I asked her sister if they were told this dream, but one said, She did not mention the dream but her dreams usually feature bad guys and evil nightmares 她沒提過，多數講及的都是有壞人，邪惡的夢. So I am comforted she is in a much better place with her much beloved Lord, but I did not feel it till day five.
Day one after Doris left was sudden planning for the funeral and not going to the mortuary as expected because the police gave me a call at 1 am and said that there is not enough time for the mortuary to prepare her body for the next day. The vacant day was not good for her sisters' state of mind. With that information Monday morning, I asked coworkers for more funeral agent referrals. I decided to meet with the agent that replied me the earliest, five minutes after I texted at 804am. He can meet 1030am, and so could Doris' sisters, Faith and Marion, and Cheng 鄭昌 who was helping me with funeral arrangement. Wei Seng and Bon joined the meeting. The most favorable dates were after 14th as a friend of Doris requested not on 10-13th because she was away and Rev. So would be back 14th. In retrospect the much later date turned out well because her nephew Josiah could book ticket easily from USA. Cheng would moderate, Rev. So would speak, Wei Seng pray, and Bon read scripture. After lunch Wing Cheung was added to scripture reading. All the above were very helpful. A few coworkers joined us for lunch. The sisters were comforted, knowing I have good company. The only blip that day was when I realized her two sisters had emptied and recycled all her morphine bottles that noon to help me out with cleaning, but that left a hole in me. One of the sister was a model environmentalist who would not let anything go to waste. I preferred to keep an empty bottle at least. The thought of more cleaning by her sisters prompted me to go through leftover medication and food, then separated and photographed what they could take. I felt better. I also found two small notebooks with one set of Bible study application for Psalm 51, a list of institutions and amount to offer, good for me to follow up.
Day two morn 9-945am was spent at the mortuary. While waiting for the office to open, I told the older sister with me I would prefer them not to remove anything and keep the house as is. It took 45 minutes to fill forms and see Doris' body. I touched the glass in tears. She looked exactly like before. We get to view her for less than five minutes. With much time at hand I decided to go to Macau at 1105am to retrieve some savings from our bank before bank complications set in, revisit old places and take some pictures of her former housing and University. The sisters offered to go with me to provide support, but I wanted to do a solo trip for  memories sake and on her behalf. Using my Macau ID, I discovered it has been canceled since Doris no longer worked there. I took the 230pm return ferry. At night I was so excited to find some prayers she wrote in her doctoral student days.
Day three was emotional and personal to me. It kicks off a drive to visit places I have been with Doris plan. I went to the Peak after convenient 好彩 breakfast with older sister To and her husband Chiu, spent two hours there before coming down for a late lunch at one of our fave cantonese 龍幫BBQ in Sheungwan. For the last two days coworkers surrounded me for tea, doing their best to comfort me. At night I try to finish off refrigerator food. It took eight days to consume the last portion since I only eat home at night.
Day four was back to work as I had exhausted the two days compassionate leave but that day was a half day work for me, so I went for early lunch at IFC Open Kitchen and bottled water later at sheungwan pacific coffee, all our regular stops.
Friday, day five. I woke up in a better spirit, accepting finally that she couldn't be any happier than to be in the presence of the Lord, released from her ongoing suffering. I could even sing a morn song to Doris. The last few days I could manage two to four hours sleep. The better morn did not hold up. As usual tears freely flow while doing work, taking MTR, seeing older friends and feeling nostalgic with familiar sights, sounds and sensations.
Day six. Cheng took me to Shanghai restaurant to cheer me up, joined by Wei Seng later. It's weird that I don't feel like the next day is a Sunday. Already I could not figure out Friday and Saturday without a schedule around caring for Doris.
Yesterday. The tears floodgates hit at putonghua worship when Bon prayed for Doris and family. The speaker was affected. The benediction led to an outpouring. Karol told she dreamed of Doris laying hands on her, praying for her while Karol was doing laundry. I was comforted. Over lunch the PTH crowd proposed a Shanghai trip to remember places we visited last May. I was definitely interested.
Today I put the last few pieces of clothing she wore by the rack beside her bed where it was previously placed before the stroke. Tidying, cleaning, washing, organizing all helped me to come to terms with her absence. The two water flasks remained in the same spot on the table, so is the last empty bottle in the fridge, the star wars cup by the bed, only samples of unopened meds and two pots of plants remained. One of the happiest occasions was the sisters found a big empty morphine bottle in the kitchen pantry and I found another underneath the kitchen sink!
I still keep her old phone number to send texts there since yesterday. Today I told her my dream with herlast night and everybody's fave question three days now to me in the form of, What's your plan or Are you returning to USA?
I write this for my own processing and growth and to help others dealing with grief!
Doris親愛的朋友們：
我至愛的Doris離開我已經一個禮拜了。她離世前最後的掙扎，就是對我-的鍾情不捨對比與基督一起。我會一直記得她所做的最後一個夢：她在一條又長又黑的隧道中不停地、不畏懼地行走，最後在隧道的另一頭出口找到一個休息 (rest area) 的地方。我問她這是否一個噩夢，她說不是。我小心翼翼地，並且否定的方法問她，因為我知道，一直以來夢給她造成巨大的精神痛苦，和她所忍受的身體上的痛苦同樣強烈。 我又問了她兩位姐姐，她們是否聽過這個夢，她們說沒有，但說她的夢中經常出現壞人，以及有關邪惡的夢。她現在已經在一個更好的地方，與她摯愛的主在一起，想到這一點我心中得了安慰，但我是到了她離開第五天才這麼覺得。
Doris離開的第一天，突發地計劃了葬禮，也如我預期的，不能去殮房，因為警方凌晨1點打來，告知殮房沒有足夠時間在次日準備好她的遺體。這一天的空閒對她的姐姐們的精神不是很好。星期一早上知道這消息之後，我問同事多拿了幾個葬禮代理的聯絡， 8:04發了短信，五分鐘後收到回覆，我決定和這位最早回覆的代理見面。他可以 10:30會面，另外Doris的姐姐導英，敏英，幫忙安排葬禮的鄭昌也可以，煒成和國邦也加入了會議。最理想的葬禮日期是六月十四號之後，Doris的一位朋友希望不要在十號到十三號之間，因為她不在香港，蘇牧師也要十四號才回來。現在回想起來，日期推遲了比較好，這樣，她的外甥Josiah在美國訂機票就容易多了。葬禮的安排：鄭昌牧師主持，蘇牧師證道，煒成禱告，國邦讀經。午餐後，加了永祥讀經，同工們幫助我們很多。有幾位同事來和我們一起午餐，姐姐們知道我有這麼好的同伴，都覺得很安慰。
那天唯一的不對勁，就是當我發現她的兩位姐姐為了幫助我清理，已經在中午倒空並回收了她所有的嗎啡藥瓶，我心裡好像有了一個空空的洞。其中一位姐姐是環保人士的典範，從不容許任何東西被浪費，可是我是希望至少保留一個藥瓶。想到她的姐姐們將會進行更多的清理，這想法促使我去檢查家裡剩餘的藥物和食物，將它們分開，並將她們有可能拿走的拍照留念。我覺得好點了。同時，我發現了兩本小的筆記本，其中有一套詩篇五十一篇查經的應用，以及一份機構的名單以及奉獻的數目，方便讓我跟進。
第三天對於我來說是情緒起伏的、私人的一天，驅使我打算開始一個計劃：重遊我和Doris曾經一起去過的地方。早上在上環好彩酒樓和導姐、姐夫阿超吃完早餐，之後我去了山頂兩個小時。下山之後，在上環一家我們很喜歡的廣東燒味"龍幫”吃了午餐。過去兩天，同事們都圍繞着我，陪我喝飲料，盡量安慰我。晚上我嘗試將冰箱裏的食物吃完，結果花了八天才吃掉最後一份， 因為我只有晚上才在家吃。
第四天
回去工作。我已經消耗了兩天喪假， 今天 我需要工作半天。我去了IFC的Open Kitchen，吃了個早午餐，之後在上環的 Pacific Coffee買了一瓶水喝。這幾個地點都是我們通常會去的。
星期五 第五天
醒來的時候覺得精神好了一點，終於可以接受她最開心的，是從苦難中被釋放出來，和神在一起。我甚至唱了一首清晨的歌給Doris聽。過去幾天我每晚可以睡2到4個小時。這個精神好了一點的早晨並沒有維持多久，和往常一樣，眼淚不停地流下來，在工作的時候，坐地鐵的時候，見老朋友的時候，碰到熟悉的情景、聲音和感覺，懷念過去的時候。
第六天
鄭昌帶我去吃上海菜， 希望令我振作起來，之後煒成也一起來了。很奇怪，我感覺不到第二天就是禮拜天了，沒有了照顧Doris的時間表， 我已經弄不清星期五和星期六了。
昨天
普通話崇拜時，當國邦為Doris和家人禱告時， 我的眼淚像沖開了閘，不停地流，連講員也被感染了，最後我上台祝福的時候，眼淚更是控制不住，傾注而下。Karol告訴我，她夢到自己正在洗衣服的時候，Doris按手在她身上，為她禱告。我聽了心裡很受安慰。吃午飯的時候，普通話團友們提議一個上海之旅，一起去紀念去年五月我們到訪過的地方。我當然有興趣！
今天
我將她穿過的最後幾件衣服放在床邊的架子上，放在她中風之前放著的地方。在家中收拾、清潔、洗刷、整理……幫助我過渡到她已經不在了的狀態。兩個水壺還放在桌子上原來的位置，冰箱裡最後一個空藥瓶也是，還有在床邊的“星球大戰”的杯子，還沒有開封的藥和兩盆植物。最開心的時刻，就是姐姐們在廚房的櫥櫃裡發現  了一個空的大嗎啡藥瓶，而我在廚房的水盆下發現了另一個！
我仍然保留她的手機號碼，昨天開始發短信過去。今天我告訴她昨晚有關我和她的 夢，還有這三天最多人問的問題：你有什麼打算？會回去美國嗎？
我將這些寫下來，為了我個人的分析和成長，也為了幫助別人處理哀痛！
Victor Yap 葉福成May 30