Week 3

The psychological battle began on week three. A good morning on day one was interrupted by sermon preparation on Ecclesiastes 3, my second week of preaching in a row with chapter two last week, June fifth. When I read Ecc 3:11 I could not hold back the tears: "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end." My poor wife did not know the day of her sudden death. No one can find out the work that God made from the beginning to the end. Somehow I missed the verse's importance when I prepared it months before. How could I have missed the signs? Her cold legs, slurring speech and empty stomach that day.

Day two I started questioning: Did I  love and protect my wife enough? Was I deserving of her? Was I in denial, like she always said? A brother asked me if I replayed the last scene of the last day again, I said no. Later I surely replayed the scene. Maybe we could have send her to the hospital Sunday night. On that night, her sister said there were no doctors around Sunday night, and it deterred her. Maybe it was best not to say yes when she asked if she should shower. Then she could depart peacefully on the bed.

Day three morning was okay. During my morning swim I peered behind the beautiful morning cloud and wondered what Doris was doing beyond the big and bright cloud. Sometimes I can picture her getting into the pool when she wakes up and catches up with me at the pool. 

Day four was pretty emotional putting the final touches to the funeral bulletin and book gift. Her nephew Josiah told a childhood story and her niece gave a remarkable verse: Isa 57:1-2. I was emotionally overwhelmed. At night I read through her thankful text messages to Soup Ladies and other givers and I was touched by her gratitude and felt a sense helpless loss.

Thursday was a public holiday and was my best morning so far. I called all relatives to Simply Life for lunch. After lunch I had coffee with eldest sister's husband while the three sisters shopped for our black shirts. We agreed on a shop, and got two for the men. While others shopped I asked To, the sister who spent the most time with Doris, how she was doing. Tears flooded our eyes. As I was still misty-eyed riding the mall escalator to leave, a text from a brother who lost his wife a year ago arrived: "Just a note  to let you know that I am thinking about you, my dearest friend. Holidays are difficult. Take time for yourself. Knowing you are loved by so many! Hugs..." It was hard to see relatives or anyone on holidays!

On Friday I texted Doris' old phone, saying: "BB, I feel so  sad." I have been texting her old phone for some time. Previously she would like me to text her after lunch  to tell her how the day was going or ask her how she was doing. At 430pm, the emotions resurfaced, so I called coworkers for a drink. 

I had a pleasant surprise on day six. Doris' Kingston schoolmate from Toronto visited his relative in Hong Kong and gave a copy of her vocals in a coffee house ministry, singing Perhaps Love. It was as precious a gift as it could get. For two nights in a row I shared Doris' testimony with Putonghua fellowship and Friday Couples fellowship.

On Sunday morning as I was getting ready to preach Ecclesiastes 3, a coworker told me how he remembered where we usually sat in front of the  drum seats. The feelings rushed out just like that an hour before my preaching. Preaching went well, far better than last week. Preparation kept me occupied without being overworked. A deacon remarked that he could see the healing process in me in between preaching. At night I was thankful Jeffield had put into video a song with piano and vocals by Doris, her favorite in Hong Kong, see below.
https://youtu.be/wqA5oN7J_nE

第三個星期開始了心理的爭戰。美好的星期一早上被準備傳道書第三章的講章打断了。我一連兩週講道，上個禮拜天6月5號講傳道書第二章。當我讀到第三章11節， 便控制不住眼淚：「神造萬物，各按其時成為美好，又將永生（原文是永遠）安置在世人心裡。然而神從始至終的作為，人不能參透。」我可憐的太太不知道自己突然死亡的日子。沒有一個人可以發現神從始至終的工作。不知什麼原因，我幾個月前準備講章的時候，錯過了這段經文的重要性。我為什麼錯過種種跡象呢？那一天她冰冷的雙腿、口齒含糊的言談和空空的腸胃。

第二天
我開始問自己：我有足夠的愛和保護給了我的太太嗎？ 我配得上她嗎？我是否一直在否定嗎，就像她經常所說的？ 一位弟兄問我， 你的腦海中有沒有重播最後一天的最後一幕，我告訴他我没有。可是之後，我的確重播了當時的情景。也許我們可以在禮拜天晚上送了她去醫院，那天晚上因為她姐姐說了「禮拜天晚上醫院沒有醫生的」，令她改變主意。也許當她問是否可以冲凉時，最好沒有說「可以」，然後她就可以躺在牀上平静地離去。

第三天早上還好。晨泳時，我窺視着美麗的朝霞，猜想Doris在又大又亮的雲彩後面正做什麼。有時我可以想像到當她早上醒來之後，進到泳池，陪我游泳。那天的情緒起伏很大，對葬禮通告以及書籍禮物做最後的修改， 當她的姪女Josiah李文瀚講了一個Doris的童年故事，她的侄子讀出一段精彩的經文，以賽亞書57章1-2節時，我的情緒崩潰了。晚上，我細閱了她發給湯水姊妹們及其他供應者的感謝短信，被她的感激之情和失去她的無奈所感動。

星期四是端午節公眾假期，是至今为止感覺最好的一个早晨。我打電話給所有的親戚，一起去Simply Life吃午飯。之後我和大姐夫喝咖啡，三姊妹去幫我們男士買黑襯衫。我們選了一家店， 買了两件男裝的。其他人還在購物的時候，我問導姐 - 就是陪伴Doris最多時間的那位 - 「你還好嗎？」我們的眼淚就都禁不住湧了出来。我淚眼朦朧，正坐電梯離開的時候， 收到一位弟兄的短信，他的太太去年離世，「 親愛的朋友，只想寫短信告訴你，我現在正想着你。假期比較難度過，慢慢來，知道有很多人愛你！ 抱抱你……」。是的，假期中見親友們都很傷感！

星期五
我發短信給Doris的舊電話：「寶貝，我覺得很難過。」我繼續發短信給她的舊電話已經有一段日子了。以前，她喜歡我在午餐之後發短信給她，告訴她我那天過得怎麼樣，或者問問她的狀況如何。下午四點半，情緒又浮了上來，於是我打給同事們一起喝東西。

第六天
我收到一個令人喜悦的驚喜，Doris在加拿大 Kingston 的同學回港探親，送了一卷錄音給我，是她在一個咖啡屋事工所唱的「也許爱Perhaps Love」。這真是一份最珍貴的禮物！連續兩晚，我分別在普通話團契和五伉團契分享Doris的見証。

禮拜天早上，當我準備好當天的講道傳道書三章時，一位同事告訴我他記得我倆以前通常坐在鼓位子前面，就在我講道前的一小時，那些感覺突然汹涌出來。講道時還不錯，比起上個禮拜好很多。準備講章令我保持忙碌，但又不至於過度勞累。一位執事告訴我，他在我兩次講道之間，見到我裏面被醫治的過程。晚上，我很欣慰Jeffield將Doris所唱的、有鋼琴伴奏的一首詩歌做成錄像，是她在香港的最愛（見下）。我也很欣慰羅濤修補了一個一小時長的手提電話的錄音，都是Doris自彈自唱的歌。 https://youtu.be/wqA5oN7J_nE

Victor 葉福成 June 14