Week 6

Six weeks had passed by slowly but surely and so did my flu midweek. On Monday noon I made my way to Tai O Lookout and had high tea at the Tai O Heritage Hotel. Unlike my last visit with Doris I could get a table with a scenic view this time. On the way home I was the sixth customer in a mall barber shop. That gave me time to think and I ordered a buzz cut 陸軍裝 when my turn came. It was shorter than all customers before me. Many suggested it means a new start. It was more like "I am not the same" rather than "I have changed." It was to deal with grief and sadness that would not go away, and hopefully to drive away pent-up frustrations. Baldness at her next year anniversary  crossed my mind. At night  I cried hard seeing Doris' old class photo.

Tuesday was a lethargic and listless day. By now sore throat was followed by Monday sneezing and coughing Tuesday. It took me a week to get over it. At night eldest sister Vivien and husband were due at the airport. Her plan was to immediately visit our home upon arrival to pay respect to Doris and see her urn. The two other sisters also came at 8pm. Faith brought Doris' favorite lilies in a small vase she said she took from our wedding banquet table for a souvenir many years ago. Vivien and I decided we would like to keep a souvenir from her ashes.

I joined Mok sisters for dinner Wednesday night because eldest sister Vivien and husband were returning to USA after their fact-finding trip to Thailand. This week my memories also tell me I must return to USA  hopefully in November to revisit our long honeymoon drive along the Pacific coast highway from southern California to northern California, and then go to Doris favorite  Stanley Park in Vancouver.

Thursday was a half day at work for me. Later in the afternoon I revisited Mei Foo and surroundings where we lived eleven months upon our arrival in Hong Kong. I was emotional near Ching Lai Yuen 清麗苑 but not much after. At night I walked to the island pier to quell a sudden burst of tears.

On Friday I realized I have been dreaming for two days in a row. A day earlier I dreamed of a period of tenants from around 1960s talking over each other like from an old black and white TV scene. That was our era. On Friday I dreamed sadly of organizing a worship at the place to intern Doris' ashes. By the way I received news that I had to apply again next month for the internment of ashes because the current batch of places available are visitor unfriendly. The urns there are either placed too low or too high for convenient viewing. I hope to have some form of closure to coincide with the urn internment.

On Saturday I cried in the morning alone in a cafetaria and at night in my prayer walk. At least now the tears are soft and wistful. There is mixed thanksgiving and tears lately, often singing Doris first song from her blog:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, 0 Lord
Great is Your faithfulness.

Sundays at church with familiar faces and parishioners are most draining. I cannot answer positively to the number one question, Are you okay? I often think of Doris who sat with me in the third row on the right. At home I rested and trekked up our local hill to where Doris and I used to sit. It was a good, calm and restful end to the week.

Here is Doris' rendition of her favorite song, Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U

第六個星期過得非常緩慢但的確過了，就好像我在禮拜中終於痊癒的感冒。禮拜一中午我去了大澳，在大澳文物酒店的Tai O Lookout 餐廳吃了下午茶。不像上一次我和 Doris 來，這一次我有機會坐在一個有風景的窗口位。在回家的路上，我進了一家位於商場的理髮店， 我是排第六的客人，可以有時間考慮（ 剪什麼髮型） 。輪到我的時候，我決定減一個「陸軍裝」， 比所有在我之前的客人剪得都要短。很多人覺得剪短頭髮意味著一個新的開始，但在我這代表「我不再一樣了」 多於「我已經改變了」；是以此去對付那些難以消失的哀傷和悲感，也希望藉此趕走壓抑著的沮喪。我腦海中閃過一個念頭：明年周年紀念的時候去剃光頭。晚上，當我看到 Doris 以前的學生照時，忍不住痛哭起來。

星期二是昏昏欲睡、無精打采的一天。喉嚨疼已經發展成星期一的打噴嚏和星期二的咳嗽，過了一個禮拜我才好轉。晚上Doris大姐 Vivien 和丈夫到達機場，她計劃下機後馬上來我們家瞻仰 Doris 的骨灰盒。其他兩位姐姐8點也來了， Faith 帶來了Doris 最喜歡的百合花，插放在一個小花瓶裡，她說這花瓶是十多年前她在我們的婚宴桌上拿作留念的，大姐和我決定從她的骨灰盒保留一份紀念品。

星期三晚上我和莫家姐妹們一起吃晚飯，因為大姐 Vivien 和丈夫在泰國的「尋真之旅」之後將會回美國。這個星期我的回憶也提醒我，（希望是在11月）要回去美國重遊我們的蜜月之旅 - 沿著太平洋海岸的高速公路， 從南加州一路駕車到北加州，之後再去 Doris 最喜歡的溫哥華Stanley Park。

星期四是我工作半天。下午， 我舊地重遊了美孚新村以及四周，我們剛到香港的時候曾在那裡住過十一個月。在清麗苑附近，我的情緒有些波動，但之後好快便平復了。晚上，為了平息突如其來的眼淚，我散步走去了離島碼頭。

禮拜五，我發現我已經連續兩天做夢了。之前一天， 我夢見一群好像是六零年代的租客在彼此交談， 好像在黑白電視上看到的場面，那是我們的時代。禮拜五我很傷心地夢見為安葬 Doris 的骨灰組織了一個崇拜儀式。順帶一提，我收到通知，需要下個月為安葬骨灰重新申請，因為現在這批地方非常不方便 - 骨灰盒不是放得太低就是太高，不方便瞻仰。 我希望藉此有某種總結，與安葬骨灰盒為總結。

星期六
早上，我一個人在一間咖啡店哭了起來；晚上，我散步禱告的時候也是這樣。至少現在的眼淚是柔軟並且充滿懷念傷感的，最近當唱著 Doris 博客裡的第一首歌時，感恩和眼淚總是相互交集着：


神愛滔滔活水匆匆湧流，
神愛無限，憐憫沒變遷；
永遠都不會動搖，始終不轉變，
恩主的信實似高天，深恩廣闊萬里。 耶利米哀歌 3:23 

禮拜天在教會遇見熟悉的面孔和會友們，最令我控制不住眼淚。我無法積極地回答「你還好嗎？」這類的問題。我時常想起 Doris 和我一起坐在右邊的第三排。回到家我休息了一會，之後登上附近的一座小山， 一個Doris 和我經常去坐的地方。這是一周美好的、平靜安寧的結束。

這是 Doris 所唱的她最喜歡的詩歌。
Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U