Week 4

The fourth week of grief was the worse yet because of the funeral. The first day (13th) lunch and dinner were spent with relatives and church leaders, respectively. Dinner was okay after a few tears shed at initial meeting of old friends. I called for lunch with Vivien慧英, Doris' San Diego sister, and husband Henry to spend more time with them before they leave. After lunch second sister To 導英 and I went to obtain Doris' death certificate. To suggested two copies, just in case. I waited more than two weeks for the notice to arrive in my mail box, but it was a few minutes' wait at the government office. The officer punched a hole in her ID and returned it to me. I kissed the hole that was punched. At least I got the ID back. Grief and grievance are linguistic cousins, so I decided to write mine down and dealt with it before Saturday.

On Tuesday morning I could greet neighbors. Listening to coworkers practice Doris' fave song Seek Only Thy Perfect Way made me misty-eyed. Doris had wanted to sing it in church, but it was not a priority. I finally read internet articles on grief. The best advice I received from four respectable sources was not to make major changes presently. The grief period is usually six months to two years. In the afternoon there was more crying when I met a visitor at church. On the same night Doris had left me, I had lunch with five guest speakers during our church's missions week and gave our latest book away to them. On this Wednesday noon a coworker brought a few visitors to church. After I passed them in the hallway, our coworker called my name and introduced me to a familiar face. The guest was the leader of a renowned missions organization and he said the book I gave him during lunch is good and suited for them to train their missionaries. He asked if I have the English version. I told him originally it was in English and Doris had managed translating her Bible study materials halfway, but I could not continue the conversation and left apologizing because I could only think of how much Doris put into the book, with results now. In fact our publisher tells me they have only 50 copies of the 1,500 published left in their warehouse two months after it was released. 

On Thursday my brother David and his wife Siew Huay arrived from Kuala Lumpur to stay with me for five days. They wanted to come very much to offer support. They were here just two months ago and he regretted not having enough time to converse with her over family dinner in April.

On Friday morning the apprehension woke me at 130am and I cried later in the morning. The rest of the day was preparation for the wake or visitation at night. A coworker took six of us in his van at 330pm to get ready. As usual, seeing Doris' body brought a lot of grief and a sense of loss. The first visitor was at 5pm. We grabbed a quick bite when another relative arrived. Friday night was more personal because we could still hug friends who came. There were more than a few who could not come next day for the funeral proper. I was surprised my two former churches in USA sent flowers. I met some of her friends from Queen's University, from Macau and St Paul's Co-ed. Friends said her older pictures, 1984 Evangelistic coffee house songs and 2015 testimony broadcasted and last minute gift book of her 2010-2016 blog were captivating, inspiring and comforting. I was humming to Perhaps Love the next day.

Saturday was a wrenching and wretched  day. When the time to view her for the last time arrived, I hesitated and doubted, more like refused to accept it. It tears me apart each time I think of viewing her body for the last time, carrying her picture to the waiting van, pressing the button at the crematorium and seeing the door close and the coffin disappears. Someone commented that in the old days they could even see the coffin burning. 
Her two video clips that day: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hPThpsdXgWQ
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hswk21EYNmU
The next important task was to take her big picture home on the same day, which I decided to do right away on a possible rainy day. I wrapped up the picture in plastic to be less conspicuous and arrived on the bus shuttle just when it started to drizzle. Anything is better than the next day on the bus home with the expected crowd flocking to the island on a good sunny day. After resting for two hours I took my brother for dinner and a walk. I did not want them cooped up in the house because of me. On one of the busiest street in Hong Kong hearing an old Samuel Hui song 鬼馬雙星 at 930pm my tears boiled over. I don't think the song was related, so it was illogical and unexpected. A psychology professor friend present that day alerted me, "Bouts of tear episode is typical of grieving." 

The next morning I took my brother to YMCA for an English sermon, hoping he would be open to the gospel, but he said the sermon was boring. At least he was willing to go with me present, so I could not pass up the opportunity. Back to the putonghua worship we gave gift books to those who did not come to the funeral. At night I took them for seafood, but they bemoaned of the standard of living and especially food prices in Hong Kong. At least my brother kept me occupied with his comic relief, city curiosity and  cultural gap with me. Now I know why my wife was slightly anxious if I could adapt to living in Hong Kong.

Finally, a big thank you to Jeffield who made 20 music videos of Doris in a week, here's our only home duet on Perhaps Love.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FtbzXzfpy6U

Victor 葉福成 June 20

因為葬禮的緣故，第四個禮拜是至今為止最傷痛的。第一天（6月13號），午餐和晚餐分別和親戚以及教會領袖一起吃。晚餐和老朋友們見面時都會有些感動，吃晚餐時還好。午餐我打電話給慧英 - Doris在聖地亞哥的姐姐 - 還有她的丈夫Henry，想在他們走之前多和他們聚一聚。午餐之後二姐導英和我一起去領取Doris的死亡證。導姐建議拿兩份備份，以防萬一有需要。我等了兩個星期才收到通知，但是在政府辦事處，只用了幾分鐘。政府辦事處的人在她的身份証上打了一個洞，還了給我 。我在洞上吻了一下：至少我拿回了她的身份證。 「哀傷grief」和「哀怨grievance」在字面上是兩個息息相關的，所以我決定寫下我的哀傷，並在星期六的之前處理它。

星期二早上，我可以主動跟鄰居打招呼了，聽到同事們在練習Doris最喜歡的詩歌「 只尋求你完美旨意Seek Only Thy Perfect Way」，我的眼睛又濕潤了。 Doris曾經想在教會唱這首歌，但一直沒有成為優先所做的一件事。我終於在互聯網上看了有關處理哀傷的文章，​​從四個可靠的網站我得到最好的忠告，就是在現階段不要做任何重大的改變，哀傷期一般是六個月到兩年。下午， 我在教會遇見一位訪客，這又令我哭了起來。 Doris離開的晚上， 中午我和教會宣教主日的五位講員一起吃午餐，並且贈送了我們的新書“同作門徒” 給他們。禮拜四中午後，一位同事帶了幾位訪客來教會，當我在走廊經過他們十幾步的時候，同事叫住我，將一位十分面善的訪客介紹給我，那是一間有名氣的宣教機構的主管，他告訴我，上次午餐時我送給他的書很好，很適合用來培訓他們的宣教士。他問我是否有英文版。我告訴他，書的原本就是英文的，Doris已經把部份的查經資料翻譯到英文，說到這里我已經沒有辦法繼續我們的談話，致歉之後便離開了。我想到Doris投入了許多心血和努力在書裡，才有現在的果效。我們的出版商告訴我，書出版後的短短兩個月，1500 本只剩下50本在倉庫裡。

星期四
我的哥哥David和他的太太Siew Huay從吉隆坡來香港五天陪我，他們很想來支持我，他們兩個月之前來過香港，David覺得很遺憾，在四月的家庭聚餐中，沒有花多一點時間和Doris交談。

星期五
哀慟在凌晨1:30將我喚醒，稍後的早晨我哭了出來。一天餘下的時間都是在準備晚上的守靈。下午3:30，一位同事開車送了我們六個人去殯儀館準備。照樣的，見到Doris的遺體帶給我很多哀傷和失落感。第一位致哀者5點鐘到，當另一位親戚到的時候，我們很快吃了一點東西。禮拜五晚上比較個人，因為我們可以和來致哀的朋友們互相擁抱， 有好幾位不能來第二天的葬禮。我感到有點意外 - 我以前在美國的兩間教會都送了花圈來。我見到了Doris 在Queen's University的幾位朋友，也有從澳門來的，以及聖保羅男女中學的。朋友們都說，她的舊照片、1984年的「福音咖啡館佈道」歌曲、2015年的見證錄影、以及生命最後的2010-2016博客分享禮物書都很吸引、激勵、安慰人。第二天我一直在哼唱著 Perhaps Love。

星期六是傷心可憐的一天。當最後見她一面的時刻到了，我有些猶豫和懷疑，更像是難以接受。每次一想到最後一次見到她的遺體、將她的相片拿去等待中的車上、在火葬場按按鈕、看著門關起來、棺材消失在眼前，都讓我覺得被撕裂。有人告訴我，以前家人甚至可以看著棺材被火化。 安息禮拜片段：
http://youtu.be/hPThpsdXgWQ
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hswk21EYNmU
接下來重要的一項任務，就是當天把她的大照片拿回家，我決定馬上做，因為可能快下雨了。我用塑料紙將照片包起來，這樣就可以不太顯眼。走到村巴的時候，開始下起毛毛雨。任何事都比第二天回家時在巴士上好因為很多人在明天預測陽光普照的好天氣坐車湧入馬灣小島，正如所料。休息了兩個小時之後，我帶我哥哥去吃晚飯、散步，我不想他們因為我而一直窩在家裡。晚上9:30，在香港其中一條最繁忙的街上，聽到許冠文的老歌「鬼馬雙星」，我的眼淚翻滾出來。我不認為歌曲有什麼關聯，所以這是不合邏輯，也是意料之外的。那天來的有位心理学教授朋友警告我，「片段式的流淚發作是典型的哀痛表現」。

第二天早上我帶哥哥去YMCA聽英文講道，希望他可以對福音開放自己，可是他說講道很沉悶。至少他願意和我一起去，所以我不能錯過機會。回到普通話崇拜，我們把禮物書送給那些沒有來參加葬禮的人。晚上，我帶他們去吃海鮮，他們感嘆香港的高消費，特別是食物的價格。至少我的哥哥以他喜劇式的安慰、對香港城市的好奇、以及和我的文化差異讓我保持忙碌。現在我明白，在香港為何我太太緊張我是否適應香港的生活。

非常感謝年輕人Jeffield在一星期內製作了20個Doris的音樂錄影，這是唯一一段我們合唱 (Perhaps Love)。
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FtbzXzfpy6U

Victor 葉福成, June 21