Week 7

Week seven was a modest turnaround for me. Like I once said, God has His timetable. For the last few weeks I had finished revisiting places I have been to with Doris. On Monday I completed putting together from the night before a series of more than 15 marketplace Bible studies from the Old Testament to the Gospel that Doris had prepared for the Putonghua marketplace ministry since last year. It should be ready for publication next year. Digging through my emails, I was so shock to discover her last completed study was a day before she left us. She is such a dutiful wife, faithful minister and a virtuous woman. It made me more appreciative of her perseverance and will in pain and weakness.

The turnaround began on Tuesday when I spontaneously offered to pray for lunch with a bunch of coworkers. I was fully immersed in morning study, as two sermons were due in the month. As I explained it, "I may as well do it since I feel like it. I am OK this morning." I spoke too soon because by noon I was down again after doing reflection on the Lord's Supper during coworkers prayer meeting. Suffering and death are hard subjects, so I left. At night I watched by accident how the leading actress of the 830pm TVB series second episode of 完美叛侶 grieved her mother's death, especially taking the urn home. I concluded there is no good way to go around it.

The next morning I felt OK enough to reveal to the oldest man in my exercise circle that my wife had passed away. He answered politely, "I know, restrain grief, accept change 節哀順變," the favorite Chinese form of condolence. Like many, it was the only thing he knew how to say, it's trite but I understand. Afternoon was fair, not good.

I had a Thursday morning appointment with a grief group facilitator from one of the two English speaking churches that run a grief group yearly. There is none in Chinese and I was hoping to recommend it to my church. A series on grief for Sunday school crossed my mind, too.

Three fair mornings were interrupted by a teary one on Friday when I took another look at the dried flowers on my desk returned to me this week. Strangely, Doris had previously requested for the flowers to be preserved. I took it home and placed it by her urn. I am still waiting for her remains to be interned this month.

Not only were joint prayers hard, some songs strike a chord, too. On Saturday we sang a salvation song titled Going Home 回家, but the title took a different meaning for me. I had also read a second book on grieving. I understand more the process, the humanness and the complexity of grieving.

I got through Sunday worship but was not prepared for visitors. I gave  a group my new book and Doris blog book, and the tears flowed again. At church monthly prayer meeting, which Doris attended with her health permitting, I had to stop a few times in prayer. A n unexpected friend prayed with me. This week I discovered that some aspects of religious services are more powerful than reading a book or watching a movie.

Here is Doris' singing 我的心 你要稱頌耶和華
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I

Victor 葉福成 July 12

第七個禮拜是我稍微好轉的時間，正如我之前所說：神有祂的時間表。在過去幾個禮拜中，我舊地重遊了與 Doris 曾經一起去過的地方。禮拜一，我完成了之前一晚整理出來，從舊約到新約福音書，超過15篇的職場查經系列， 是Doris 從去年開始為普通話職場事工所準備的，應該明年可以準備好出版了。當從我的電郵中挖掘資料的時候，我非常震驚地發現，她最後完成的一份查經資料竟然是在她離世的前一天！她真是一位盡職的妻子、忠心的僕人、才德的婦人！這令我更加欣賞她的毅力以及在經歷痛苦和軟弱中表現出的意志力。

禮拜二開始有所好轉， 是當我和一群同工一起午餐的時候，我自發地為午餐禱告。我完全集中在早上預備講章 - 這個月有兩篇講道到期。我解釋說：「 我不妨去禱告,因為我覺得不錯。今天早上我ok。」 這句話我說得早了一點，因為到了中午，我的情緒又低落下去了， 在同工祈禱會中我們反思「主餐」，苦難和死亡對於我來說是艱難的話題，所以我提早離開了。晚上我無意中觀看了一個電視節目，有關無線 830pm完美叛侶第二集的女主角如何為她母親的離世哀痛，特別是拿骨灰回家的時候。我得出一個結論，沒有任何好的方法解決哀傷。

第二天早上，我覺得自己ok，於是告訴和我一起做運動的鄰居中最年長的一位先生我太太去世了。他很有禮貌地回應:「我知道，節哀順變。」中國人最常用的安慰弔唁，正如許多人一樣，這是他唯一懂得表達的詞句，雖然有點難接受，但是我可以明白。下午過得還可以，不是太好。

禮拜四早上我約了一位哀傷處理 (grief group) 小組的主持人，香港的兩間英文教會每年會組織一次哀傷處理小組， 他來自其中一間。中文教會暫時還沒有，我希望可以推薦給我的教會，我也閃過一個念頭，開辦哀傷處理的主日學系列。

一連三天還過得去的早晨，被禮拜五早上的眼淚打斷了，就是當我再一次看見這禮拜還給我、放在我桌子上的乾花。奇怪，Doris 之前是要求將那些花保鮮處理。我把它拿回家，放在她的骨灰盒旁邊。我仍在等這個月稍後安葬她。

不單只一起禱告變得困難，有些詩歌也會打動我的情緒。禮拜六我們唱了一首有關救贖的歌，名字叫「回家」，但歌名對我來說卻另有含義。我也閱讀了第二本有關哀傷處理的書，我更瞭解哀傷過程，人性化和複雜性。

禮拜天，參加崇拜我還過得去，但是沒有心理準備接待訪客，當我將自己的新書和 Doris 的微博文章集送給一羣大陸訪客時，眼淚又不由自主地湧了出來。當我在教會的月禱會中 (Doris 體力許可時都會參加) 禱告的時候，我必需停頓幾次擦去眼淚，一位意想不到的朋友過來和我一起禱告。這個禮拜，我發現宗教儀式在某方面，比起閱讀書籍或者看電影更有力。

這是 Doris 唱的「我的心 你要稱頌耶和華」
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I

Victor 葉福成 July 12