Week thirty one arrived and so did my seven months of loss. On day off Monday a friend based in Beijing had lunch with me. Surprisingly tears surged as I hugged a brother I had lost touched with for three years. The emotional side with friends had dried up since returning from USA. On my return trip home late afternoon I met a neighbor who lost his wife to cancer three months earlier than Doris. His wife shared the same ward with Doris when my wife was hospitalized for two weeks once. We had seen each other before on buses before, but not share the same seat. Lately I try to avoid most people, except familiar ones. He shared that his dreams of his wife were always in her sickness, causing him to cry a bucket of tears 一殼水. At night he is lonely and all the carers that kept him going had all long disappeared, even her wife's sister from China who came frequently to visit his seven year old son previously, but now he was reluctant to trouble her.
Tuesday was staff Christmas party and I won the big prize of $1,000, of which a whopping $787 was spent on coworkers high tea. They are worth more, very previous to me, having mentored some and receiving support in return. At night I walked short of an hour on my prayer walk because a neighbor friend said my tummy is showing after USA trip.
On Wednesday morning a coworker shaved my hair for Doris' seventh month tomorrow. It was a good day because a buddy invited me and another family I know to his newly renovated house for winter solstice dinner and his daughter's birthday
Thursday was seven months without Doris and I woke up wanting to visit her high school, St Paul Co-Ed. Her sister Faith was available to join me since she is retired. At night I was invited by some pth folks for restaurant dinner. We took lots of photo. They have done lots to encourage me. Before bed the pent-up emotions let loose, turning into loud cries and heavy sobs.
On Friday afternoon I bought lilies for Doris a day late for her seventh month. Before work day was over, a good friend dropped by unexpectedly and later asked me to join his brother-in-law, who lost his wife to cancer a month before Doris, for dinner. At dinnerI learned he's taking medication to allow him to sleep from 1am to 10am. I also talked to his friend who lost his father eight months ago. She had no closure because of family disputes over inheritance. I have more patience and empathy to listen and share now.
I took a young adult friend to lunch Saturday because of his birthday. It was the least I could do for old USA friends. Plus, I know his pastor dad. After lunch I bought two cakes for friends, of which one was surprised by its richness. A coworker prepared a Bible study on John 1 with the help of 文法聖經 and my friendly coaxing. It was an instant classic and a proud moment for me to upgrade him to such a high level.
Sunday rolled along. I preached the same evangelistic passage of Matthew 11:28-30. Two raised their hands to accept Christ, ten folks so far. It was hard to motivate myself the second time. Finally on a restive evening I succeeded in walking an hour on my prayer walk.
Here's a song from an young autistic girl that touched my heart this festive week:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gfAwXDWThlo
Dec 27
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Week 30
Week thirty could be a turnaround for me in HK after my USA trip. On Monday I joined Doris' high school mates for lunch. They bought four 文法聖經 from me. I am slowly warming up to them, attending their lunch every other month. I learned my lesson from sleeping five hours the previous day at home in the noon time as a result of jet lag, so I decided to spend the rest of the day hours writing at the office. At night I joined a friend retreating here that I bumped into the previous night and our talk today was three hours till midnight. We bared our hearts and shared our thoughts. Friend said that I was there for him the last time he was on the island depressed and Doris was instrumental in turning around his marriage one coffee meeting elsewhere, so it made me think and gave me pause. He called it double friendship.
Tuesday was a busy day. I had to catch up to my Saturday sermon that I had put aside for weeks, if not months. By the end of the day the sermon was slowly getting in shape, but illustrations were lacking.
On Wednesday I stepped in the scales to check my weight. It started with a coworker's wife who said, Pastor you must have put on at least ten pounds. Sure enough I weighed 168 pounds from three weeks of Thanksgiving eating, friends' dinner, cold temperature, meeting snacks and no exercise.
Thursday I woke to a short dream of my wife with me and a younger colleague "A" sharing a meal at table 23 in Marie Calendars, a restaurant I visited in USA. To me it is nothing short of a blessing to feel her as she was. The hardest thing is to lose memories of her, which is the fear of all remaining spouses. The morning was supposedly a half day off but there were three meetings to attend, of which the first is department meeting. At the meeting I announced that I would cooperate with outside church events but not participate 合作但不參加. My coworkers would deputize for me. They are the best, God's angels for me. I have little energy or enthusiasm left for big events or vain folks around. My time is best spent writing, mentoring and theological missions.
On Friday I spent much of my time getting the Cantonese sermon translated and ppt ready for Saturday morning preaching, it was half hour past deadline 3pm when I finished merely the ppt. The disadvantage of preaching Saturday morning is that there is no Saturday cushion to work further on it. Because my sister in-law and husband could not attend Couples Fellowship that night I did not stay but went home to eat and pray. One of the things I looked forward to returning from USA is to continue the prayer walk routine that we enjoyed, even more than my morning swim.
Saturday sermon turned out much better than I expected. I gave an invitation and was shocked that seven raised their hands. I pressured the morning service team to buy lunch and we had a good time. At night a putonghua (pth) worshipper told me he attended the morning worship because he's got to work tomorrow. He said, Pastor, your Cantonese is better than your pth. I said, Shh, don't say so loud, or you'll lose your pastor to Cantonese side.
There were 137 baptized on Sunday. I and buddy Cheng split the work of baptizing and K was the speaker, no better team I must add. At the end of 68 baptisms I gave a couple from my Fellowship a big hug to howls from the congregation. It was natural to me after I'm back from USA. Hug first now.
Praise God; I had put on weight, energy to spare and regained my touch, for the moment. Hallelujah, He heals the brokenhearted and sets His people free, Merry Christmas all!
Dec 21
Tuesday was a busy day. I had to catch up to my Saturday sermon that I had put aside for weeks, if not months. By the end of the day the sermon was slowly getting in shape, but illustrations were lacking.
On Wednesday I stepped in the scales to check my weight. It started with a coworker's wife who said, Pastor you must have put on at least ten pounds. Sure enough I weighed 168 pounds from three weeks of Thanksgiving eating, friends' dinner, cold temperature, meeting snacks and no exercise.
Thursday I woke to a short dream of my wife with me and a younger colleague "A" sharing a meal at table 23 in Marie Calendars, a restaurant I visited in USA. To me it is nothing short of a blessing to feel her as she was. The hardest thing is to lose memories of her, which is the fear of all remaining spouses. The morning was supposedly a half day off but there were three meetings to attend, of which the first is department meeting. At the meeting I announced that I would cooperate with outside church events but not participate 合作但不參加. My coworkers would deputize for me. They are the best, God's angels for me. I have little energy or enthusiasm left for big events or vain folks around. My time is best spent writing, mentoring and theological missions.
On Friday I spent much of my time getting the Cantonese sermon translated and ppt ready for Saturday morning preaching, it was half hour past deadline 3pm when I finished merely the ppt. The disadvantage of preaching Saturday morning is that there is no Saturday cushion to work further on it. Because my sister in-law and husband could not attend Couples Fellowship that night I did not stay but went home to eat and pray. One of the things I looked forward to returning from USA is to continue the prayer walk routine that we enjoyed, even more than my morning swim.
Saturday sermon turned out much better than I expected. I gave an invitation and was shocked that seven raised their hands. I pressured the morning service team to buy lunch and we had a good time. At night a putonghua (pth) worshipper told me he attended the morning worship because he's got to work tomorrow. He said, Pastor, your Cantonese is better than your pth. I said, Shh, don't say so loud, or you'll lose your pastor to Cantonese side.
There were 137 baptized on Sunday. I and buddy Cheng split the work of baptizing and K was the speaker, no better team I must add. At the end of 68 baptisms I gave a couple from my Fellowship a big hug to howls from the congregation. It was natural to me after I'm back from USA. Hug first now.
Praise God; I had put on weight, energy to spare and regained my touch, for the moment. Hallelujah, He heals the brokenhearted and sets His people free, Merry Christmas all!
Dec 21
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Week 29
Week twenty nine was the last week of a refreshing three weeks in USA. At Monday's seminary conference I choked back tears introducing our latest book 同作門徒. Many former colleagues comforted me. The response was strong when I introduced 文法聖經, but unfortunately I just brought one to USA because it is 800 pages heavy.
The next day was a triumph and a relief of some sort to me because I have finished revising 文法聖經 at night. It was the foremost project for me on this trip because I cannot afford the time to do it in HK due my heavy workload. Not only did I complete the Chinese version, I was crazy enough to finish and begin rechecking the English version too. The new Chinese version in bolder colors was to help a close colleague whose vision is deteriorating.
On Wednesday I met 18 former members, including grown kids, for dinner. It was hard to say grace for dinner because Doris used to join us in dinners. One family from New Jersey in town was upset at me for not seeing them personally, but I was too emotional part of the trip.
The next day was the second last day of the trip, but it may as well be the last because my flight next day is 825am in the morning. For the first time in three weeks I woke up to normal USA time. The jet lag was gone but I had to leave tomorrow. I was thankful I got back some copies of my first book 開天闢地 from a bookstore. I discovered I did not have a copy in HK, so it was a bonus to remember to get some from the only bookstore that has it.
The return flight to HK was troublesome and taxing no matter how you envision it. I had to leave my host family's house at 530am with three luggages for fifteen hours of travel with no computer but movies to pass the time. I have never seen so many movies in one day in my life. At least got to see Wall-e, an old movie Doris watched with church kids. It was touching to see two altogether different robots' love for each other.
I finally got home on Saturday and caught the 530pm shuttle bus home. Home was the way it was, but Doris' sisters had brought flowers to our home by her side. I added lilies to the fading flowers. At night I took some jet lag medication.
The next day was a big day as I had to preach twice, one in indonesian and another at North Point. An old song We are the Reason reminded me emotionally of our days . Praise God , all went well. After lunch with a couple I had to dart back to answer a phone call and to join prayer meeting, a priority for Doris. After church I napped after 5pm and woke up at 10pm, after more than four hours, missing a neighbors dinner at 715pm but greeted a colleague here for surprise visit. I had to take pills to sleep again at night to counter jet lag because now my time is really messed up.
Here are my thanks to God for the USA break:
1. Updating records. I had to run thrice to the county an hour away, fill in retirement forms and send copy to tax accountant for tax purposes.
2. Close a bank account. My USA funds were depleting and I did not want to be penalized but retain our sweet joint account.
3. Passing written driving test. I erred on two of 18 questions, one less than is allowed.
4. Driving safety. I drove thrice to Riverside an hour away, twice to Orange County an hour away, once to San Diego more than two hours away and once to Santa Barbara and Solvang two and half hours away. Also thanks to a good friend who drove me to Carmel and the Big Sur.
5. Visiting churches. I attended the worship of two former churches and my sister in law's church.
6. Greeting relatives. I traveled to San Diego twice to catch up with one who was overseas on the first occasion.
7. Meeting friends. A close family had relocated to New Jersey and China but was back for a relative's wedding.
8. Attending seminary conference. Catching up to old and new faculty.
9. Host family, mentor and alum brother. The host family gave me a roof over the head, meals if needed and a night's stay in Santa Barbara. Herman is passionate as always. Got to know Paul the person rather than the professor.
10. Closure. Goodbye USA, seminary, church, relatives and friends!
The next day was a triumph and a relief of some sort to me because I have finished revising 文法聖經 at night. It was the foremost project for me on this trip because I cannot afford the time to do it in HK due my heavy workload. Not only did I complete the Chinese version, I was crazy enough to finish and begin rechecking the English version too. The new Chinese version in bolder colors was to help a close colleague whose vision is deteriorating.
On Wednesday I met 18 former members, including grown kids, for dinner. It was hard to say grace for dinner because Doris used to join us in dinners. One family from New Jersey in town was upset at me for not seeing them personally, but I was too emotional part of the trip.
The next day was the second last day of the trip, but it may as well be the last because my flight next day is 825am in the morning. For the first time in three weeks I woke up to normal USA time. The jet lag was gone but I had to leave tomorrow. I was thankful I got back some copies of my first book 開天闢地 from a bookstore. I discovered I did not have a copy in HK, so it was a bonus to remember to get some from the only bookstore that has it.
The return flight to HK was troublesome and taxing no matter how you envision it. I had to leave my host family's house at 530am with three luggages for fifteen hours of travel with no computer but movies to pass the time. I have never seen so many movies in one day in my life. At least got to see Wall-e, an old movie Doris watched with church kids. It was touching to see two altogether different robots' love for each other.
I finally got home on Saturday and caught the 530pm shuttle bus home. Home was the way it was, but Doris' sisters had brought flowers to our home by her side. I added lilies to the fading flowers. At night I took some jet lag medication.
The next day was a big day as I had to preach twice, one in indonesian and another at North Point. An old song We are the Reason reminded me emotionally of our days . Praise God , all went well. After lunch with a couple I had to dart back to answer a phone call and to join prayer meeting, a priority for Doris. After church I napped after 5pm and woke up at 10pm, after more than four hours, missing a neighbors dinner at 715pm but greeted a colleague here for surprise visit. I had to take pills to sleep again at night to counter jet lag because now my time is really messed up.
Here are my thanks to God for the USA break:
1. Updating records. I had to run thrice to the county an hour away, fill in retirement forms and send copy to tax accountant for tax purposes.
2. Close a bank account. My USA funds were depleting and I did not want to be penalized but retain our sweet joint account.
3. Passing written driving test. I erred on two of 18 questions, one less than is allowed.
4. Driving safety. I drove thrice to Riverside an hour away, twice to Orange County an hour away, once to San Diego more than two hours away and once to Santa Barbara and Solvang two and half hours away. Also thanks to a good friend who drove me to Carmel and the Big Sur.
5. Visiting churches. I attended the worship of two former churches and my sister in law's church.
6. Greeting relatives. I traveled to San Diego twice to catch up with one who was overseas on the first occasion.
7. Meeting friends. A close family had relocated to New Jersey and China but was back for a relative's wedding.
8. Attending seminary conference. Catching up to old and new faculty.
9. Host family, mentor and alum brother. The host family gave me a roof over the head, meals if needed and a night's stay in Santa Barbara. Herman is passionate as always. Got to know Paul the person rather than the professor.
10. Closure. Goodbye USA, seminary, church, relatives and friends!
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Week 28
Week twenty eight is better but not much after Thanksgiving. On the first day of the week I woke up to a dream of Doris asking me to massage her and take her to see the latest Margaret Cheung. My host said Margaret Cheung did not act for years. Then I headed to Riverside county to rectify records.
Tuesday was a blank to me. I remembered having coffee and working on my Grammar Bible. My vacation is a working holiday. It makes me more productive and not dwell on my situation. I average five to six hours writing daily.
Wednesday I took alum brother Paul and wife with me to Santa Barbara, stopping by Solvang fofty five minutes away. They had the time of their lives. At evening we walked to the wharf from our hotel twenty minutes away and had dinner that my friends totally enjoyed.
The next day we left our hotel after breakfast and another walk by the beach. I had to visit Santa Barbara because SB was the last night and place Doris spent in USA, at the same hotel too. The hotel was courtesy of a friend's reward points.
Friday was the start of a six days theological conference. Paul and Chloe were the outstanding speakers. There were familiar and unfamiliar faces to meet, but I hope to get some insight and inspiration. I was invited to return to the fold, but my wife's vision and legacy are more important currently.
I had to leave earlier second day to San Diego for dinner with another nephew who returned from HK. He stayed with us two years while in college but now is married for two years, how time flies. Six of us relatives had dinner together.
On Sunday the worship songs touched my heart. For three weeks in a row I could not bottle my emotions at worship. The Lord gave us a gift as TD contacted me officially to publish Doris' invested book on healing 你要痊癒嗎？She finished the book at the end of March. It was top on her list. May the Lord use it to bless the sick , the aging and the wounded.
Dec 6 USA
Week 27
Week twenty seven is mostly spent with friends and family in USA, especially with the thanksgiving week. On Monday morning I drove an hour to Riverside to work on official documents, which I could not get done without notarization. After that I went to spend the day with my beloved mentor Herman Tang 鄧灼文. There is no better pastor I've seen, none as passionate and loving as Herman, who has just retired and will teach in ABS for three months from January 2017. Herman cried with me the moment I arrived, no kidding. We spent the rest of my overnight stay talking and sharing. It was the eve of six months without Doris.
The next day was exactly six months of Doris' loss. I left after breakfast but the hosts could not join in for health reasons. At 10 AM I left for San Diego to join Doris' sister Vivien and her husband Henry two days before Thanksgiving to visit the San Francisco nephew in town with his two year old daughter. After that, onto another relative visit. On Tuesday I also sent out a nine picture collage of Doris I learned to make two days ago. It was encouraging to many who received it. And I finally sent out a letter to address my grievances after sitting on it for more than two weeks.
On Wednesday Henry took me to La Jolla Cove to see seagulls, sea lions and other creatures by the beach, of which San Diego beaches were a favorite of Doris. She was also a joy and delight to her nephew and nieces growing up there.
On Thursday Thanksgiving I woke up sobbing because of a dream i had of Doris. She was laughing at what I said, nothing much, but it meant a lot to me. When we ate Thanksgiving lunch I felt emotional again. When we prayed before I left after lunch to Los Angeles, tears welled up again. It was a sweet rather than a sad day for me. Most people don't know what to do when I was emotional. A hug, pat on the back or rub of the shoulders would be good.
On Friday a good friend took me to Big Sur through the inland route of Carmel, then to Big Sur. When I saw the big waves crashing at the rocks, tears rolled down my eyes thinking of our honeymoon car ride seventeen years ago through 1 highway to Carmel. This was my request to a good friend to take me to Carmel again, and he obliged from 25 years of friendship. At dinner I sobbed again at the seafood bar overlooking outside while my friend looked out the window not knowing what to do.
Saturday morning was a ride back to Los Angeles for a dinner appointment. I treasured talking to a younger pastor sharing the ups and downs of ministry in USA and HK. I am now more aware of coworkers looking up to me and learning from me, so I must be there for them.
Sunday's trip back to Riverside, where I served the last ten years before leaving, was hard for me. At the end of worship and tears mingled freely. This was where Doris and I had our best years together in a small loving community. After worship I had lunch with two layman preachers to impart Grammar Bible study to them.
Nov 29 USA
Week 26
Week twenty six was a contrast of emotions being in Hong Kong and USA. I spent most of Monday working on my revised grammar Bible to support a loving color-challenged friend and students who want me to clearer mark the verbs. In between I had lunch with a neighbor and coached a Bible study leader over dinner.
On Tuesday Doris' friend from Australia came to our home to pay respect to Doris. He was the first. I showed from my phone some of her latest photos. There is no better friend than Doris, even to lost and lonely souls.
We switched our department meeting to Tuesday for my upcoming flight to USA. I trust my coworkers can do a good job in my three week's presence. We had a staff transferred two weeks ago but all is OK so far.
On Wednesday morning I hurried over to cheung sha wan to get my international driver's license just in case I fail it in USA. They even accepted my old photos for the license number, so I was glad. At 3 pm I had to prepare a coworker for her upcoming preaching, but the sermon needs more time.
On Thursday I worked in the morning and had lunch with coworkers before I boarded my 430pm flight to Los Angeles. Friends consensus is for me to watch movies instead of reading for my usa drivers test the next day. I watched Revenant, X-men Apocalypse and 寒戰2, all three with death and family for a theme. DiCaprio's words after death of his beloved stepson gripped me, I am not afraid of death anymore. I felt the same after Doris was gone. There are tears but not fears in me without Doris. Likewise, Magneto of X-men went on a path of destruction upon losing his wife and daughter. The bad guys kidnapped Aaron Kwok in the last movie to get at him. Family is our pride and passion. My sister picked me up in Los Angeles and we shopped while waiting for my friends who host me to get home after work.
Friday was nervous time as I had to retake my driver's license test. My host gave me a sample of 264 questions and most questions showed up at the 18 question test, where one is allowed to fail thrice. I got two wrong. Later I met with former students for lunch.
On Saturday I drove for the first time in USA to meet my predecessor in Irvine, where he had a three days meeting. He was happiest to see me. We felt we could have been good buddies if we were closer in age, kNown each other while young or had served longer together. It's a case of lonely at the top.
On Sunday I did not intend to return to my first church to worship, but it was a combined Thanksgiving gathering and there was a request to witness the baptism of a friend's daughter. At the end of worship after the benediction the tears came naturally and I had to sneak out while people were looking for me. I did not want to risk people's worry or talk, like my experience in HK. At home by myself at noon it triggered more tears.
Nov 21 USA
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