Biggest CNY Gift, Feb 2014

I was given the biggest Chinese New Year gift by far. Two and a half years after resigning from seminary teaching in Hong Kong to be USA missionary, I received a e-mail from INS that my brother is scheduled for his immigration interview on March 6 in Kuala Lumpur. At first I was disappointed because I prayed for my sister, forgetting that I applied for him and her wife before I applied for my sister. It is crazy but I got the dates wrong. All in all it's been a long wait of slightly less than 15 years.

On the first day of the month we received news that Irene died in her sleep. It's been thirty years since she was comatose, but it's the end of a chapter close to wife's heart. At least she has peace because we went to visit her four months ago in USA.

Tomorrow (3rd) we are going to Macau for the last day of the  new year public holidays. As usual it is time to take the books and other tems to get ready for school two weeks from now, a day after our Tien Dao talk. Our talks keep coming after the release of our new book, including one for fellowship (23rd) and one to a school in May, which wife is looking forward to.

Happy New Year, Jan 2014

The Yaps' praise and thanksgiving to God in 2013:
(1) 大難不死
(2) New book released in December 2013 (恩上家 恩)
(3) Completion of degree
(4) Vacation in USA in September 2013
(5) Full-time pastoral ministry since October 2013

A lot has happened in 2013, but God has been great. Doris' condition is stable after a mighty scare on our USA vacation. She has another one and a half years of chemotherapy left but by God's grace she shall survive.

Full-time is taxing but I learned much. Besides work, aging also takes its toll. I am sure my eyelids have drooped and black rings have emerged.

Last month I broke my glasses. It was more wear and tear than break. A week later I also lost my phone. It was a hardship but I learned to be more careful. 

Sick, Dec 2013

I have been sick for two months in a row since turning fulltime in October, and that's not good. There's a saying in my circle: "Half-time church work is full-time, and full-time means overtime." I am starting to learn how to be proactive and take control of things before they unravel and spiral out of control. I have been to campus and fellowship to gain a handle on what others are doing, so far things are working.

We have our thanksgiving list for the year:
1. Wife's health not worsened
2. Completion of degree
3. Book to be released this month
4. Turning fulltime
5. USA trip

Here is Doris' latest newsletter:
Nov 20, 2013
Dear friends,

You may wonder how I am doing. I have been fine. Praise God!! In fact after the death anxiety subsided, I am less tired. So I am doing better!

I am now on my 5th course of chemotherapy. Well my liver enzymes are still somewhat elevated, but it seems fine to the doctor for me to proceed. The lump is still there; its size is like an egg, so it is like having an egg under your armpit. It is not comfortable. But since death is not imminent, I am learning to live with it as a good thorn that reminds me to relax and stretch frequently. I am learning to submit my body into God’s good hands and to trust in His healing hands. I practice more body awareness exercises through prayer. I ask for your prayers that the Lord may grant me complete healing according to His good and perfect will.

Now that I have calmed down, I reflected on the 3 “long” weeks worrying about recurrence and a quick decline of health towards death. During that time I compiled my to-do list and it is actually extremely short. I mourned the loss of some unfulfilled dreams and realized then nothing is really that significant. We would all go back to God alone, naked. We do not bring our list of accomplishments. Even relationships would not help in those moments. Now that death is not imminent, I ponder how I should live. Well there isn’t anything I particularly care to do! The negative side is that I feel a bit empty, stagnant and listless. I have been such a “driven” person. The positive side is that now I do not feel the need to advance and worry less about how I would be perceived or judged by others. No need to achieve and no need to please -- it is good! I earnestly would like to live well each day and be able to leave behind some gifts to others although I do not know what exactly they are yet. I want to use the gifts I am blessed with to somehow bless others. I pray that I may be able to “give away” what I have and to finish the race well. I wonder if God has any specific assignment for me. I wait only on Him! I think it takes the imminence of death to change me. Thankfully this transforms me to become a bit more God-centered other-centered and a bit less self-centered. For a while I want to “know” how many years I have so that I can “plan” accordingly! It really is in God’s wisdom that I am not to know – I am to discern only the next step.

I still keep the same prayer each day – crying for God’s mercy when I wake up, committing my mind, body and spirit into His hands. May He make me a blessing today. It is a simple and good practice to keep me focused on Him.

Thank you for journeying with me!

Doris

Fulltime, Nov 2013

I returned to fulltime pastoral ministry last month after a five year absence, yes it has been that long. Less than a month later, I was sick and had to see the doctor. Guess I could not withstand long meetings and I was the casualty the next day after a day long evangelistic planning meeting. My office was moved to a new floor on the first day I arrived at work after a month-long holiday with my wife in the States. We could only managed two weeks because of her health. I had a minor care myself when I accompanied her to do a CT scan. Saving time, I ordered a checkup on myself and the X-ray indicated I had a shadow on my liver. The doctor said I can do a HK$5,000 CT scan immediately or return a month later for another X-ray to see if it cleared up. I almost did scan until I noticed there is a 30% discount for denomination employees with a church card, so I waited. The wait turned out to be more than a month later, so I took an X-ray instead. There was no shadow, the technician said after screening. The doctor verified it through phone the next day.

Now I am involved in PTH ministry besides mentoring and coaching. In exchange I have a bigger office, so my wife is glad she can visit me comfortably and not have to squeeze into a half time office anymore. In retrospect I have moved to three offices now, once a year. Including next year's major building move I could be moving office four straight years. Now that is a record.

Wife is still in two minds about her life. Macau or Hong Kong? Full- or part-time? Live long or short? But it is her right because she has suffered it. She feels like she is squeezing an egg under her armpit most of the time with her swelling. May God show her what to do and how to live. I am not worried because she loves God, prays consistently and always does the right thing. She could be leading Bible study real soon.

Tripped, Oct 2013

Yes it has been five years long. The first year was slow and the last four was a blur, mostly battling with cancer. On our trip last month to USA wife had a big scare. Halfway into the month we had to abort the trip. Her arm was swollen and her stomach had pains. We had to reschedule our flight twice and were penalized HK$5,400 but it was worth it to return earlier to calm her fear of having no insurance. We have to be thankful because we got the tickets 1159am before the midautumn festival half-day office break and we flew into HK one day before the 天兔 typhoon hit.

We are also grateful for a friend who helped us to make a doctor's appointment. The doctor sent us to a CT scan at Evangel Hospital but we had to wait for the results to be released a few days later. On the day of the results wife's legs were too jittery to walk to the counter, so I took it for her, but still she had to sign. We prayed before opening the envelope. Our eyes open to the findings: no cancer to liver or bones. We praised God because we know the doctor would say the same thing the next day. Sure enough the doctor said she can eat, exercise and work even though she had cancer recurrence, but no further damage elsewhere. I suspect the muscle pain is muscle spasm from anxiety and stress.

Here is her letter to friends entitled "Best Possible Results":

Dear friends,

I am very, very, grateful for all your prayers! Yesterday I brought the PET/CT scan report to the oncologist. Yes, indeed there is a mass (2.5 cm X 3.6 cm X 4.3cm) but it does not look cancerous at this point. The oncologist said to just monitor it for now and continue with my oral chemotherapy. So I consider this the best possible outcome. Praise God! May He heal me according to His sovereign will!

My journey back home was smooth; somehow it gave me hope that the Lord can make our return journey to Him a peaceful one as well. I was so thankful to be back as I was afraid to be stuck in U.S. without medical insurance. With the jet lag, I had insomnia and some nights I was overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings. I cried to the Lord for mercy. I prayed to submit to Him no matter what. In the daytime I tried to get a lot of things done. I went to an attorney’s office to do a will. We cleaned the house to prepare for major chemotherapy and lowered immunity. I am much more ready now for whatever the Lord’s plan would be.

Of course we prayed a lot, for ourselves and for others. The Lord had blessed me with Psalm 116:

1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
² Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

³ The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
⁴ Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Lord, save me!”

⁵ The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
⁶ The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me.

⁷ Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

⁸ For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,
⁹ that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

¹⁰ I trusted in the Lord when I said, “I am greatly afflicted”;
¹¹ in my alarm I said, “Everyone is a liar.”

¹² What shall I return to the Lord for all his goodness to me?

¹³ I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
¹⁴ I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.

¹⁵ Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.
¹⁶ Truly I am your servant, Lord; I serve you just as my mother did; you have freed me from my chains.

¹⁷ I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.
¹⁸ I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people,
¹⁹ in the courts of the house of the Lord in your midst, Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.

Every verse in this Psalm is precious to me. In particular the Lord calls me to be His faithful servant.

I received a lot of encouraging emails. The very special ones were from my former Sunday school students. One prayed that“…and if it be His will that you should join Him then it will be with utmost gladness.” Indeed it is my prayer that when the time comes, I would be ready to embrace Him with utmost gladness! We do not have to die in fear, pain and agony. May the Lord bless us! Another reminded me the power of prayer. His father bought my car for him when I left U.S. I prayed for special protection of driver and passengers because I did not want him to get hurt in my car, in case he drove too fast or doze off or something. This young man shared how he experienced God’s “warm glow” around him during the car accident. The car was totally wrecked but he climbed out of it unscathed. Indeed God answered prayers in amazing ways! The young man wrote: “For the presence of God will give us protection when we pass through fire and water... and freeways J” I was deeply moved – even though we do not know what would happen in the future. In His perfect way, He prompts us to pray in ways such that we are all blessed to experience His presence!

Even as I enjoy this moment of relief, I remember those dear to my heart that are preparing for intense treatment, those that are praying desperately for their children’s condition, etc. I believe in the power of prayer!! I am not worthy of the goodness bestowed on me. None of us do. But God is merciful. May He help us walk each step with trust!

Doris

Five Years Later, Sep 2013

Yes time flies and we have been in Hong Kong for five years. In two days time we will return to spend time with family and friends and give Doris a needed break. Today's checkup indicated her liver index is high, so she will skip medication for a month, but we are still set to go.

Did we regret coming to Hong Kong? Not a chance. We have learned and grown much. Spreading our wings is not our idea, it is God's calling. I am quite on target in the three areas of missions, publiation and coworkers training.

A long trip is all Doris deserves after all she has gone through. Here is her newsletter:

August 26, 2013

In my last email (which some of you did not receive) I shared my struggles. People have responded differently. The best part was that some folks shared with me their struggles more intimately – helping me to put my trial in a proper perspective. Indeed this is what I believe – to face who we are before God authentically. So I will share with you my journey for the past two months.

Regarding my arm, I had physical therapy and learned (from the physical therapist) that 1) if I am not in tears for the pain, it is not that bad. 2) If I can move, then I should be thankful and keep on exercising. Now I do water aerobics every morning at 7 am for about half an hour. Then I also have evening prayer walks with Victor, plus some tai chi like exercises before bed. I am better. Praise God.

I still wake up early morning and combat depressed and anxious thoughts and feelings with prayer. It is an opportunity to practice crying out to the Lord and entrusting ourselves to Him. Every day I pray for submission to God’s sovereign will, acknowledging that “we shall die on the day and at the hour and in the manner that God decides, and it is this particular death we should accept, because it is the one most becoming His glory” (Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure). May God be glorified, in our lives or in our deaths! I also practice longing for heaven, and not be too afraid of the transition to eternity through death. At times I get a bit too far, wanting to let go of earthly things too readily and wishing to die quickly (of course desiring a painless process!)

Well I have some time to ponder about work and come to the conclusion that I am content and thankful for my career. I do not need to advance any more. I was then very tempted to just quit my teaching job in Macau and move back to Hong Kong. In fact I was very tempted to take up private practice and perhaps live on the income. This way I do not have to work so hard and I can be with Victor in Hong Kong all the time. But in the process I realize that I do have a calling to serve God in Macau. I felt that the Lord move me to take a step of faith (I would say a huge one in the midst of my current vulnerabilities) to go for BSF training in U.S. and work on starting a pilot class in Macau. I am deeply convinced that we need serious Bible study in Macau. However just when I had booked the ticket and was all set to go (completing the assignments, etc.), this “faith journey” was put on hold when the Headquarters questioned whether I would be physically fit to participate in the intense week-long training and all the follow-up tasks to get a pilot class going. I was having a mild case of flu and feeling so vulnerable I quickly responded by withdrawal from the training. Victor felt that I should have stuck through because we had made all the effort (and some sacrifice) already. From his perspective, my energy level was not that different before chemotherapy – in fact he got the flu too and my symptoms were not worse than his. We both felt that BSF was an important ministry and perhaps someday the Lord willing we can be in China serving and I can be involved in BSF in China. Now some of you have been supportive of my going as a faith journey. Some of you are concerned about my health and suggest I should rest more. Different opinions come from spiritually mature folks who earnestly pray for me. So I come to the conclusion that both are valid and that I can have peace either way– knowing that I love the Lord and my only desire is to follow His will. Moreover I trust in His sovereign will that His plan for me and for Macau BSF is definitely much higher than mine. May His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Honestly I felt somewhat relieved. I am not sure I can pull through with a BSF commitment. I do not know whether cancer would recur again and how long I would live. It does not seem “right” for me to commit to a 5-year ministry. On the other hand, I may have been overcome by depressed and negative thinking and therefore lose the sense of longevity. I cannot really discern. Mentally I cannot strive and I cannot assert my will over my body. (In the past my volition always prevails and I had overcome many obstacles to reach my goals.) For now, I see the limit of my mental stamina and my will power. But then to go or not does not matter that much. At the break of the day and at the end of the day, I note that I love God. That is all that matters. So I am going to try to serve God without striving much, trusting that the Holy Spirit will direct me and carry me through to do what pleases Him. I live one day at a time and only carry short-term projects (within a few months).

In some way this has been a blessing. God has used this to purify me – there is not much vanity left and since I am somewhat depressed I don’t derive much pleasure in these work or service activities to feed the ego. Service (or work) relieves me from excessive self-focus and negative thinking. It also becomes pathways to make meaning and to experience faith, hope and love. I have prayed for faith, hope and love when I first have cancer 3 years ago because these are the only long lasting gifts that we can bring to eternity. But we do not suddenly acquire them as if they are some external mythical objects. It is in life trials that we receive them and we have to humbly practice faith, hope, and love daily in small matters each day such that these gifts can grow from within.

Victor and I will still be going to U.S. – maybe it is good for us to just enjoy each other and hide out a bit. It will really be our time together – we may not have a lot of these opportunities in the future. So I apologize in advance if we do not contact you or decline visits with you.

Plans, Aug 2013

Last month was the last week of my ministry with a missions organization as I have to resign because of Wife's present condition. Her ongoing two years of chemotherapy require dedication and support, which I have committed to give five years ago when we arrived in Hong Kong.

I should be anxious about what to do for the other half-time but God has given me perfect peace, so I will see what is ahead. It would be best to still combine missions and training.

In the meantime we are excited about our travel plans to return to USA next month for a weeks training with a Bible study organization in San Antonio. That is the only definite thing God wants her to do. She has overcame a lot of obstacles to get this far. It is about obedience and not opportunity. Making plans and planning trips are time consuming.

July 1, Jul 2013

The start to a new month speaks for our journey with cancer. There was sunshine in the morning and a storm in the afternoon. Nevertheless we enjoyed our morning swim and our afternoon walk. After four weeks of oral chemo the results are clearer. Wife experienced a tight shoulder and an acute pain most of the time, fearing the cancer has eaten to the bone. Today we prayed and sang as we asked the Lord for mercy and comfort.

The near two weeks I was gone to missions was a torture to her. I returned Saturday morning (29th) to HK airport at 2am when the plane was delayed for three hours and decided to sleep overnight at the airport because there was no transport home and the lines were too long and the outside was too humid. The trip was an astounding success. As usual the students could not get enough of expository preaching but I had to go. Leaving my post is a struggle but I could return as a volunteer.

Worst of Times, Best of Times, Jun 2013

Things happen so fast. More than two months into the recurrence of Doris’ cancer on March 25, she started her oral chemotherapy on Tuesday (28th). Praise God, she did not suffer side effects this time. Unfortunately I was not by her side because I have to fly again. I can only entrust her health and well-being into God’s loving hands, and many people who stepped up, including her sister, coworkers and church sisters. I count God’s blessings because it was the worst of times and the best of times.

 My trip to Hang was a blessed one, better than all the previous ones because the class size of 25 students is much smaller. The students are older and understand Greek grammar better because they are at the Master’s level, not Bachelor’s. The people are so friendly that they took me to the Lake twice in five days, amazing. I was very satisfied with my achievement and made new friends there. I would like to return there but my priorities have changed. First is wife, second is writing, third is missions, fourth is young coworkers. With wife’s health there would be adjustment in the ministry and missions. Overseas it is wiser to focus on D. Min classes and new places, all within five days and return by weekend.

 On the local front, I am wrestling with more responsibilities. So far the PTH ministry is right on track, the staff has done a superb job, and things have stabilized. I am still praying for the Lord to reveal to me how I can best use my gifts in Hong Kong without sacrificing missions and publication.

Not Getting Better, May 2013

Life did not get better for us this month. Today we got worse news about Doris' cancer but she did not lose hope, see below:
Date: Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Dear friends,

My surgery on April 30 was successful. Today I received the initial pathology report. News is not good.

First it is metastatic cancer. Second, it looks like the cancer cells have "changed" from the original. Third, it appears to be aggressive.

Well, what about good news then? First, the tumor is now removed from surgery. Second, the doctor recommends an oral chemotherapy, which allows for better quality of life at least for now. [Frankly speaking I prayed hard not to go through chemotherapy again!] Third, God is still my ultimate doctor. I promise myself not to lose hope that He can always heal – even Lazarus was raised from the dead after the “long delay.” God can glorify Himself in whatever way He pleases.

The verse from 1 Cor chapter 1: V9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.” So I would need your prayers to carry me through.

I finished grading papers for this semester yesterday so that I would be ready to receive the news today. After searching on the web about metastatic cancer, I find this quote that I like. “If the fear of cancer keeps you from moving forward, enjoying life, being with loved ones, laughing, then the cancer won, even if it never comes back. But if you reclaim your life, then even if the cancer comes back, it didn't win, because YOU, the PERSON, survived.” Lisa Weissmann, M.D.

So I decide to move forward, please pray for wisdom to learn how to LIVE (how to reorganize my life and reset my priorities). This Sunday I am going to speak at a church on Mother’s Day and I will still go to the single-parent retreat next week. Pray for God’s presence and may He use me as an instrument. I treasure these opportunities even more – They are God's gifts to give me meaning and reason to live!

I am enclosing some of my journal notes if you want to read the "full version" of my experience.

Blessings,

Doris


May 25th letter:

On Thursday I received the final pathology report. The cancer is indeed recurrence of the past one. I am thankful that it was not HER2 requiring an expensive target chemotherapy with bad effects on the heart. Instead I will begin oral chemotherapy beginning next Monday.

1) Please pray that the Lord will use the oral chemotherapy to kill cancer cells (there is no guarantee) and that the side effects will be minimal and tolerable. Only God can heal me!

2) Please pray for wisdom to do only the tasks the Lord lead me. I decide I will not go back to the www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com because I will not be “fighting” against cancer as much. Rather I am focusing on finishing the race. [2 Tim 4: 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.] Someday when the time for departure is near, may the Lord help me pour out my life like a drink offering.

3) Please pray for both Victor and I as we adjust our ministry commitments. May the Lord grant us clear direction responding to His call.

PS I am attaching my journal for those who want to know my learning process for the past 2 weeks.