Week nine was marked by a stable turnaround and a shock tumble. A turnaround because I could focus on mornings and afternoons. I had no choice because work and talk were piling up. On Monday day off I had to return to office to finalize my night talk for Monday night couples fellowship. Doris and I did a talk for them last year and doing it alone brought memories and tears.
On Tuesday night a former Macau student came to pick up books from Doris collection to be given to former students for resources. Like Doris before, I prepared dinner for the student before sending him on the way after dinner that was served after 8pm. It was day one of meeting Doris' students or friends this week.
Wednesday morning was a disaster because I met an overseas-bound former coworker on a bus. The emotions could not be bottled up again. Now I found the fourth trigger besides familiar faces, religious services and public holidays- saying goodbye. Now I understand why children feel abandoned and vulnerable with divorce and death in the family. It was day two of meeting old friends as I took Doris' former USA Sunday school student on a mission trip to Hong Kong for dinner
On Thursday night I had dinner with Doris‘ sisters after a three weeks absence since eldest sister left. I suspect eldest sister made the dinner possible after understanding how sad I was last week. Thursday was a good day because I finally completed my travel arrangements for my mid-August Taiwan trip. Doris dearly wanted me to attend the CCCOWE conference there. My brother will join me a few days earlier for a needed holiday. On a happy note, my Putonghua colleagues will join me at the Conference. One of the four regular questions I faced recently was, "Are you taking a holiday?" (Others include Are you going to change ministry, Are you moving out of your house, and Are you returning to USA? ) It was also day one of three meetings with Doris’ students, childhood and college friends.
Friday I attended Couples Fellowship that Doris had led in Bible study that resulted in the book Fellow Disciples. I was roped into the praise team upon arrival and barely survived the lyrics of one song. It was good facing old friends, especially with my high crowd discomfort level nowadays.
On Saturday, the occasion of Doris' second month of departure, my inflamed gums woke me up at 3 am. I immediately empathized with the pain, suffering and discomfort Doris felt since last year. I went to the doctor and got antibiotics that worked instantly. For lunch, it was day three joining this time Doris' Kingston friends. At night I boiled some barley with herbs that a friend on the way to a Chinese doctor bought for me.
Sunday was an unexpected meltdown when the last hymn was played:“ I know my Redeemer lives and on that latter day He will stand on the earth." I could not stop weeping thinking of the day to come. Nevertheless I helped the Putonghua fellowship pre-study to lead the first two chapters of the book. Now I am more experienced and can offer kickoff and lead two opening studies for other interested groups. After the study the feelings did not disappear, so I went up our local hilltop and then to the old pier to watch the sun set. When the last glimpse of the sun disappears I muttered, "No, don't go." It was another thing I could not let go. I really missed my baby.
Please pray for my coming Sunday noontime sermon. It will be an emotional one because I picked Psalm 102 Prayer of the Afflicted many months before. After that some friends will take me bird-watching to remember Doris on a sentimental date.
Here is a Doris favorite, Embrace the Cross
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=kq8JW_7ZKos
Victor 葉福成 Jul 26
第九個禮拜可分為由穩步好轉到一個震驚。好轉是因為我可以在上下午都比較集中精神，我沒有其他選擇 - 工作和講座 漸漸堆積如山。禮拜一放假的日子，我需要回去工作，完成晚上的夫婦團契的講座。 Doris 和我去年曾為他們舉辦過一個講座，現在由我一個人來講，勾起不少回憶和眼淚。
禮拜二晚上，Doris 在澳門的一位學生過來拿書，帶回去給以前的學生們作為參考資源。正如以前 Doris 一樣，我為那位學生準備了晚餐，我們8點之後開始吃飯，之後送他離開。這個禮拜這是第一次見到 Doris 的學生或朋友。
禮拜三早上對我來說是個大禍 - 我在公車上遇見一位往國外的舊同工。情緒無法壓抑， 再次爆發了出來。除了熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式和節假日，我發現了第四個觸發情緒的因素， 那就是道別。現在我明白，為什麼當父母離異或者親人去世的時候，孩子們會覺得被遺棄，以及感到脆弱，容易受傷害。同一星期第二次遇見老朋友，Doris 以前在美國的主日學學生來香港短宣，我帶她去吃晚飯。
星期四晚上我和 Doris 的姐姐們一起吃晚飯，我們已經三個禮拜自從大姐回美國後沒有見面。我猜這是大姐安排的飯聚， 因為她知道上個禮拜我非常難過。禮拜四是不錯的一天，我終於完成了八月中台灣之行的安排。 Doris 希望我能參加在那裡所舉行的華福大會。我哥哥在會議之前會去台灣陪我幾天，我實在需要放一個假。令人開心的是，我的普通話同工們會和我一起參加會議。最近我經常面對四個問題， 其中一個是：「你會放假嗎？這一星期內分我別三次遇見Doris的學生、兒時朋友以及大學朋友。（其他三個問題包括，你會否做其他事工？你會否搬家？你會否回美國？）
禮拜五我參加了五伉夫婦團契的大組，Doris 曾經帶領他們查經，結果寫下了「同作門徒」這本書。一到團契我便被邀請參加敬拜隊。見到老朋友們真好，特別是如今我有高度的「人群不適」的感覺。
禮拜六，Doris 離開兩個月之際， 凌晨三點，牙齦發炎把我痛醒。我立即覺得與 Doris 自去年起所受的疼痛、苦楚和不適感同身受。我去看了醫生，吃了些抗生素，馬上見效。午餐和 Doris Kingston 的朋友們一起吃，是這禮拜第三次見到 Doris 的朋友。晚上我㷛了薏米和一些中藥喝，是一位朋友去看中醫的時候買給我的。
禮拜天崇拜， 當唱到最後一首詩歌時，我毫無預料地崩潰了： 「我知道我的救贖主活著，當號角響起的那一天，我將見祂榮光之面」，想著那一天的到來，我無法停止哭泣。我比一個月前並沒有好轉，但我還是幫助普通話團契準備預查「同作門徒」的第一、第二章。現在我多了經驗，包括星期六晚的同作門徒介紹，可以做開場白，並且帶領其他有興趣的大組介紹和小組頭兩章的查經。預查之後， 感覺還是沒有消失，於是我走去家附近的山頂，然後再走去舊碼頭看日落，當太陽的最後的一瞥消失的時候，我輕聲說:「不要，不要走。」這是另一件我無法放手的經驗。我真好想念我寶貝。
請為我這個禮拜天午堂的講道禱告，那將會是情緒化的一篇道，多個月之前我選了詩篇102篇（困苦人發昏的時候，在耶和華面前吐露苦情的禱告。）講完道之後，有朋友會帶我去觀鳥，在這傷感的日子紀念 Doris。
以下是Doris一首喜歡的歌 Embrace the Cross https://youtu.be/kq8JW_7ZKos
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Week 8
Week eight is a continual recovery, but don't think complete recovery. On Monday I went with two brothers for a buffet but it was flat. I felt bad neither I nor the company with me could enjoy the same place Doris and I so enjoyed previously in taking all her sisters to lunch. But it was not a lost day. I took from Doris' work collection an interesting book to read before lunch, titled Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick). It is an academic book that gave me the right kind of professional insight into grief. It advocates family acknowledgment of death and sharing the grief experience.
On Tuesday I was emotional seeing an old coworker that Doris and I had visited. We had been to their home to see the family - spouse and child. The constant source of tears so far are familiar faces, religious services and festive holidays.
Wednesday was a breakthrough for me. I dreamed of Doris who separated from a group of us while we were walking and went to a bookstore by herself, later vigorously defended her independent actions. It was Doris as I know her, passionate, vivid and real. I was thankful to God for the memories and realized that they will always be a part of me, livelier or less. Well-wishers hope I could move on, but I would rather slow down.
Thursday did not start off well. Doris' sister from USA texted me in the morning, "How are you these days , have been thinking of you.
At least you are better in the morning now. Our seniors fellowship prayed for you this morning. Anniversary date is around the corner, it will be hard on you." I felt sad the moment I read the word "anniversary" and tears gushed from my eyes. It was nevertheles a relaxing day because it was a half-day work day. At night I went to the wake of the mother of one of Doris childhood friends. Doris would have wanted me to go as the friend had contracted cancer herself and could not attend Doris memorial service for fear of the crowd. I was glad I made the effort.
Friday was a day without tears, my first of late in memory. I could not afford it as I had to preach Sunday on Ecclesiastes 4 and do a big group talk Monday, and two more by end of the month, of which three of four are new materials.
On Saturday all was well until a brother shared the helplessness of being hospitalized for three days lately . It set off sad memories of Doris' worse days of hospitalization.
Sunday was a good day with a minor hiccup at the pulpit. At night I was invited to hear some Broadway songs, but songs from Lloyd-Webber's Think of Me and Love Changes Everything did the job on me, especially the last line, There will never be a day
when I won't think of you.
Finally, I am thankful that I am slowly coming to terms with grieving, which is usually six months to two years. God has always been faithful even though thanksgiving, trust and tears are inseparable presently.
Please pray for me as I have lost one pound each for the last two months. I am worried because I am down to 153 lbs, underweight for my height. Pray also for a good spot at Lok Fu to open up for the urn internment. Finally pray for my four younger friends who lost their wives to cancer the last year- Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles. I perfectly understand the nightmare they had gone through. May they turn to God form salvation and healing.
Here is Doris' second favorite song from student days, Lord of the Universe:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor葉福成
第八個禮拜我繼續在康復，但還沒有完全康復。
禮拜一
我和兩位弟兄去吃自助餐，但感覺乏味。我覺得不好受，因為不管是我自己或是陪伴我的人都不怎麼享受，同樣是這個地方，Doris和我曾經帶她所有的姐姐們一起來吃午餐，而我們是那麼的享受。但那天不算是失落的一天，午餐之前，我閱讀了從 Doris的工作書籍中找出來的很有意思的一本書，Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick)。這本學術性的書給了我正確專業的對於哀傷的洞察，書中提倡家庭成員承認死亡，並一起分享哀傷的經歷。
禮拜二，當我見到一位 Doris和我一起探訪過的舊同事，我的情緒又開始起伏。我們曾經去過他們的家，去探訪這對夫婦和孩子。我發現自己眼淚的源頭有：熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式以及節假日。
禮拜三對於我來說是個突破。我夢見 Doris跟我和一羣人走路的時候，離開我們的人羣，獨自去了一家書店，之後激烈地為自己的選擇或行動辯護。這就是我所認識的 Doris：熱情、生動、真實。我為這些記憶感謝神，不管生動與否，它們將永遠是我的一部分。好心人希望我能夠繼續往前進，但我寧願慢慢來。
禮拜四
這一天的開頭不是太好。早上Doris的姐姐從美國發短信給我：「最近怎麼樣？我們都記掛著你，至少你現在早上感覺好點了。我們長者團契今早為你禱告 - 週年紀念日就快到了，知道你會不容易過。」 當我看到「週年紀念日」幾個字的時候，感覺很傷心，眼淚立即湧了出來。不過那天還算是輕鬆的一天，因為只工作半天。晚上我去了Doris 兒時朋友媽媽的守夜，Doris 會希望我去，那位朋友得了癌症，因為害怕人多，所以沒能參加 Doris的安息禮。我很高興自己盡了努力去了守夜。
禮拜五一整天都沒有流淚，記憶所及是我近來的第一次。我也有時間限制，因為禮拜天我要講道「傳道書」第四章，下禮拜一有個大組的講座，月底還有另外兩個講座，四次中有三次是全新的講章。
禮拜六一切都好，直到一位弟兄分享他最近住院三天的無助感，揭開了我心中有關 Doris 情況轉壞時住院的痛苦回憶。
禮拜天是很好的一天，除了在講台上有一點小傷感。晚上我應邀去聽百老匯音樂會，Lloyd-Webber 寫的歌 “Think of Me” 和 “Love Changes Everything” 令我大有感觸，特別是最後一句 “There will never be a day when I won't think of you” (我沒有一天不想起你).
感恩，我終於慢慢接受了哀傷 - 通常是六個月到兩年的時間。神是永久信實的，雖然在目前我的情況裏，感恩、信任和眼淚還未能分開。
請為我禱告：過去兩個月，我瘦了兩磅。我有些擔心，現在我只有153磅，以我的高度來說太輕了。也為在樂富（華人基督教墳場）有一個好的骨庫位置禱告。最後，請為我四位較年輕的朋友禱告，他們去年先後失去了太太，都是因為癌症 - Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles。我完全理解他們所經歷過的噩夢，盼望他們轉向神，得到拯救和醫治。
這是Doris學生時代第二首喜愛的詩歌
“Lord of the Universe”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor 葉福成 Jul 19
On Tuesday I was emotional seeing an old coworker that Doris and I had visited. We had been to their home to see the family - spouse and child. The constant source of tears so far are familiar faces, religious services and festive holidays.
Wednesday was a breakthrough for me. I dreamed of Doris who separated from a group of us while we were walking and went to a bookstore by herself, later vigorously defended her independent actions. It was Doris as I know her, passionate, vivid and real. I was thankful to God for the memories and realized that they will always be a part of me, livelier or less. Well-wishers hope I could move on, but I would rather slow down.
Thursday did not start off well. Doris' sister from USA texted me in the morning, "How are you these days , have been thinking of you.
At least you are better in the morning now. Our seniors fellowship prayed for you this morning. Anniversary date is around the corner, it will be hard on you." I felt sad the moment I read the word "anniversary" and tears gushed from my eyes. It was nevertheles a relaxing day because it was a half-day work day. At night I went to the wake of the mother of one of Doris childhood friends. Doris would have wanted me to go as the friend had contracted cancer herself and could not attend Doris memorial service for fear of the crowd. I was glad I made the effort.
Friday was a day without tears, my first of late in memory. I could not afford it as I had to preach Sunday on Ecclesiastes 4 and do a big group talk Monday, and two more by end of the month, of which three of four are new materials.
On Saturday all was well until a brother shared the helplessness of being hospitalized for three days lately . It set off sad memories of Doris' worse days of hospitalization.
Sunday was a good day with a minor hiccup at the pulpit. At night I was invited to hear some Broadway songs, but songs from Lloyd-Webber's Think of Me and Love Changes Everything did the job on me, especially the last line, There will never be a day
when I won't think of you.
Finally, I am thankful that I am slowly coming to terms with grieving, which is usually six months to two years. God has always been faithful even though thanksgiving, trust and tears are inseparable presently.
Please pray for me as I have lost one pound each for the last two months. I am worried because I am down to 153 lbs, underweight for my height. Pray also for a good spot at Lok Fu to open up for the urn internment. Finally pray for my four younger friends who lost their wives to cancer the last year- Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles. I perfectly understand the nightmare they had gone through. May they turn to God form salvation and healing.
Here is Doris' second favorite song from student days, Lord of the Universe:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor葉福成
第八個禮拜我繼續在康復，但還沒有完全康復。
禮拜一
我和兩位弟兄去吃自助餐，但感覺乏味。我覺得不好受，因為不管是我自己或是陪伴我的人都不怎麼享受，同樣是這個地方，Doris和我曾經帶她所有的姐姐們一起來吃午餐，而我們是那麼的享受。但那天不算是失落的一天，午餐之前，我閱讀了從 Doris的工作書籍中找出來的很有意思的一本書，Living Beyond Loss (Walsh, McGoldrick)。這本學術性的書給了我正確專業的對於哀傷的洞察，書中提倡家庭成員承認死亡，並一起分享哀傷的經歷。
禮拜二，當我見到一位 Doris和我一起探訪過的舊同事，我的情緒又開始起伏。我們曾經去過他們的家，去探訪這對夫婦和孩子。我發現自己眼淚的源頭有：熟悉的面孔、宗教儀式以及節假日。
禮拜三對於我來說是個突破。我夢見 Doris跟我和一羣人走路的時候，離開我們的人羣，獨自去了一家書店，之後激烈地為自己的選擇或行動辯護。這就是我所認識的 Doris：熱情、生動、真實。我為這些記憶感謝神，不管生動與否，它們將永遠是我的一部分。好心人希望我能夠繼續往前進，但我寧願慢慢來。
禮拜四
這一天的開頭不是太好。早上Doris的姐姐從美國發短信給我：「最近怎麼樣？我們都記掛著你，至少你現在早上感覺好點了。我們長者團契今早為你禱告 - 週年紀念日就快到了，知道你會不容易過。」 當我看到「週年紀念日」幾個字的時候，感覺很傷心，眼淚立即湧了出來。不過那天還算是輕鬆的一天，因為只工作半天。晚上我去了Doris 兒時朋友媽媽的守夜，Doris 會希望我去，那位朋友得了癌症，因為害怕人多，所以沒能參加 Doris的安息禮。我很高興自己盡了努力去了守夜。
禮拜五一整天都沒有流淚，記憶所及是我近來的第一次。我也有時間限制，因為禮拜天我要講道「傳道書」第四章，下禮拜一有個大組的講座，月底還有另外兩個講座，四次中有三次是全新的講章。
禮拜六一切都好，直到一位弟兄分享他最近住院三天的無助感，揭開了我心中有關 Doris 情況轉壞時住院的痛苦回憶。
禮拜天是很好的一天，除了在講台上有一點小傷感。晚上我應邀去聽百老匯音樂會，Lloyd-Webber 寫的歌 “Think of Me” 和 “Love Changes Everything” 令我大有感觸，特別是最後一句 “There will never be a day when I won't think of you” (我沒有一天不想起你).
感恩，我終於慢慢接受了哀傷 - 通常是六個月到兩年的時間。神是永久信實的，雖然在目前我的情況裏，感恩、信任和眼淚還未能分開。
請為我禱告：過去兩個月，我瘦了兩磅。我有些擔心，現在我只有153磅，以我的高度來說太輕了。也為在樂富（華人基督教墳場）有一個好的骨庫位置禱告。最後，請為我四位較年輕的朋友禱告，他們去年先後失去了太太，都是因為癌症 - Xiaohu, Walter, Ivan, Charles。我完全理解他們所經歷過的噩夢，盼望他們轉向神，得到拯救和醫治。
這是Doris學生時代第二首喜愛的詩歌
“Lord of the Universe”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3fiyQ1tVb0
Victor 葉福成 Jul 19
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Week 7
Week seven was a modest turnaround for me. Like I once said, God has His timetable. For the last few weeks I had finished revisiting places I have been to with Doris. On Monday I completed putting together from the night before a series of more than 15 marketplace Bible studies from the Old Testament to the Gospel that Doris had prepared for the Putonghua marketplace ministry since last year. It should be ready for publication next year. Digging through my emails, I was so shock to discover her last completed study was a day before she left us. She is such a dutiful wife, faithful minister and a virtuous woman. It made me more appreciative of her perseverance and will in pain and weakness.
The turnaround began on Tuesday when I spontaneously offered to pray for lunch with a bunch of coworkers. I was fully immersed in morning study, as two sermons were due in the month. As I explained it, "I may as well do it since I feel like it. I am OK this morning." I spoke too soon because by noon I was down again after doing reflection on the Lord's Supper during coworkers prayer meeting. Suffering and death are hard subjects, so I left. At night I watched by accident how the leading actress of the 830pm TVB series second episode of 完美叛侶 grieved her mother's death, especially taking the urn home. I concluded there is no good way to go around it.
The next morning I felt OK enough to reveal to the oldest man in my exercise circle that my wife had passed away. He answered politely, "I know, restrain grief, accept change 節哀順變," the favorite Chinese form of condolence. Like many, it was the only thing he knew how to say, it's trite but I understand. Afternoon was fair, not good.
I had a Thursday morning appointment with a grief group facilitator from one of the two English speaking churches that run a grief group yearly. There is none in Chinese and I was hoping to recommend it to my church. A series on grief for Sunday school crossed my mind, too.
Three fair mornings were interrupted by a teary one on Friday when I took another look at the dried flowers on my desk returned to me this week. Strangely, Doris had previously requested for the flowers to be preserved. I took it home and placed it by her urn. I am still waiting for her remains to be interned this month.
Not only were joint prayers hard, some songs strike a chord, too. On Saturday we sang a salvation song titled Going Home 回家, but the title took a different meaning for me. I had also read a second book on grieving. I understand more the process, the humanness and the complexity of grieving.
I got through Sunday worship but was not prepared for visitors. I gave a group my new book and Doris blog book, and the tears flowed again. At church monthly prayer meeting, which Doris attended with her health permitting, I had to stop a few times in prayer. A n unexpected friend prayed with me. This week I discovered that some aspects of religious services are more powerful than reading a book or watching a movie.
Here is Doris' singing 我的心 你要稱頌耶和華
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
第七個禮拜是我稍微好轉的時間，正如我之前所說：神有祂的時間表。在過去幾個禮拜中，我舊地重遊了與 Doris 曾經一起去過的地方。禮拜一，我完成了之前一晚整理出來，從舊約到新約福音書，超過15篇的職場查經系列， 是Doris 從去年開始為普通話職場事工所準備的，應該明年可以準備好出版了。當從我的電郵中挖掘資料的時候，我非常震驚地發現，她最後完成的一份查經資料竟然是在她離世的前一天！她真是一位盡職的妻子、忠心的僕人、才德的婦人！這令我更加欣賞她的毅力以及在經歷痛苦和軟弱中表現出的意志力。
禮拜二開始有所好轉， 是當我和一群同工一起午餐的時候，我自發地為午餐禱告。我完全集中在早上預備講章 - 這個月有兩篇講道到期。我解釋說：「 我不妨去禱告,因為我覺得不錯。今天早上我ok。」 這句話我說得早了一點，因為到了中午，我的情緒又低落下去了， 在同工祈禱會中我們反思「主餐」，苦難和死亡對於我來說是艱難的話題，所以我提早離開了。晚上我無意中觀看了一個電視節目，有關無線 830pm完美叛侶第二集的女主角如何為她母親的離世哀痛，特別是拿骨灰回家的時候。我得出一個結論，沒有任何好的方法解決哀傷。
第二天早上，我覺得自己ok，於是告訴和我一起做運動的鄰居中最年長的一位先生我太太去世了。他很有禮貌地回應:「我知道，節哀順變。」中國人最常用的安慰弔唁，正如許多人一樣，這是他唯一懂得表達的詞句，雖然有點難接受，但是我可以明白。下午過得還可以，不是太好。
禮拜四早上我約了一位哀傷處理 (grief group) 小組的主持人，香港的兩間英文教會每年會組織一次哀傷處理小組， 他來自其中一間。中文教會暫時還沒有，我希望可以推薦給我的教會，我也閃過一個念頭，開辦哀傷處理的主日學系列。
一連三天還過得去的早晨，被禮拜五早上的眼淚打斷了，就是當我再一次看見這禮拜還給我、放在我桌子上的乾花。奇怪，Doris 之前是要求將那些花保鮮處理。我把它拿回家，放在她的骨灰盒旁邊。我仍在等這個月稍後安葬她。
不單只一起禱告變得困難，有些詩歌也會打動我的情緒。禮拜六我們唱了一首有關救贖的歌，名字叫「回家」，但歌名對我來說卻另有含義。我也閱讀了第二本有關哀傷處理的書，我更瞭解哀傷過程，人性化和複雜性。
禮拜天，參加崇拜我還過得去，但是沒有心理準備接待訪客，當我將自己的新書和 Doris 的微博文章集送給一羣大陸訪客時，眼淚又不由自主地湧了出來。當我在教會的月禱會中 (Doris 體力許可時都會參加) 禱告的時候，我必需停頓幾次擦去眼淚，一位意想不到的朋友過來和我一起禱告。這個禮拜，我發現宗教儀式在某方面，比起閱讀書籍或者看電影更有力。
這是 Doris 唱的「我的心 你要稱頌耶和華」
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
The turnaround began on Tuesday when I spontaneously offered to pray for lunch with a bunch of coworkers. I was fully immersed in morning study, as two sermons were due in the month. As I explained it, "I may as well do it since I feel like it. I am OK this morning." I spoke too soon because by noon I was down again after doing reflection on the Lord's Supper during coworkers prayer meeting. Suffering and death are hard subjects, so I left. At night I watched by accident how the leading actress of the 830pm TVB series second episode of 完美叛侶 grieved her mother's death, especially taking the urn home. I concluded there is no good way to go around it.
The next morning I felt OK enough to reveal to the oldest man in my exercise circle that my wife had passed away. He answered politely, "I know, restrain grief, accept change 節哀順變," the favorite Chinese form of condolence. Like many, it was the only thing he knew how to say, it's trite but I understand. Afternoon was fair, not good.
I had a Thursday morning appointment with a grief group facilitator from one of the two English speaking churches that run a grief group yearly. There is none in Chinese and I was hoping to recommend it to my church. A series on grief for Sunday school crossed my mind, too.
Three fair mornings were interrupted by a teary one on Friday when I took another look at the dried flowers on my desk returned to me this week. Strangely, Doris had previously requested for the flowers to be preserved. I took it home and placed it by her urn. I am still waiting for her remains to be interned this month.
Not only were joint prayers hard, some songs strike a chord, too. On Saturday we sang a salvation song titled Going Home 回家, but the title took a different meaning for me. I had also read a second book on grieving. I understand more the process, the humanness and the complexity of grieving.
I got through Sunday worship but was not prepared for visitors. I gave a group my new book and Doris blog book, and the tears flowed again. At church monthly prayer meeting, which Doris attended with her health permitting, I had to stop a few times in prayer. A n unexpected friend prayed with me. This week I discovered that some aspects of religious services are more powerful than reading a book or watching a movie.
Here is Doris' singing 我的心 你要稱頌耶和華
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
第七個禮拜是我稍微好轉的時間，正如我之前所說：神有祂的時間表。在過去幾個禮拜中，我舊地重遊了與 Doris 曾經一起去過的地方。禮拜一，我完成了之前一晚整理出來，從舊約到新約福音書，超過15篇的職場查經系列， 是Doris 從去年開始為普通話職場事工所準備的，應該明年可以準備好出版了。當從我的電郵中挖掘資料的時候，我非常震驚地發現，她最後完成的一份查經資料竟然是在她離世的前一天！她真是一位盡職的妻子、忠心的僕人、才德的婦人！這令我更加欣賞她的毅力以及在經歷痛苦和軟弱中表現出的意志力。
禮拜二開始有所好轉， 是當我和一群同工一起午餐的時候，我自發地為午餐禱告。我完全集中在早上預備講章 - 這個月有兩篇講道到期。我解釋說：「 我不妨去禱告,因為我覺得不錯。今天早上我ok。」 這句話我說得早了一點，因為到了中午，我的情緒又低落下去了， 在同工祈禱會中我們反思「主餐」，苦難和死亡對於我來說是艱難的話題，所以我提早離開了。晚上我無意中觀看了一個電視節目，有關無線 830pm完美叛侶第二集的女主角如何為她母親的離世哀痛，特別是拿骨灰回家的時候。我得出一個結論，沒有任何好的方法解決哀傷。
第二天早上，我覺得自己ok，於是告訴和我一起做運動的鄰居中最年長的一位先生我太太去世了。他很有禮貌地回應:「我知道，節哀順變。」中國人最常用的安慰弔唁，正如許多人一樣，這是他唯一懂得表達的詞句，雖然有點難接受，但是我可以明白。下午過得還可以，不是太好。
禮拜四早上我約了一位哀傷處理 (grief group) 小組的主持人，香港的兩間英文教會每年會組織一次哀傷處理小組， 他來自其中一間。中文教會暫時還沒有，我希望可以推薦給我的教會，我也閃過一個念頭，開辦哀傷處理的主日學系列。
一連三天還過得去的早晨，被禮拜五早上的眼淚打斷了，就是當我再一次看見這禮拜還給我、放在我桌子上的乾花。奇怪，Doris 之前是要求將那些花保鮮處理。我把它拿回家，放在她的骨灰盒旁邊。我仍在等這個月稍後安葬她。
不單只一起禱告變得困難，有些詩歌也會打動我的情緒。禮拜六我們唱了一首有關救贖的歌，名字叫「回家」，但歌名對我來說卻另有含義。我也閱讀了第二本有關哀傷處理的書，我更瞭解哀傷過程，人性化和複雜性。
禮拜天，參加崇拜我還過得去，但是沒有心理準備接待訪客，當我將自己的新書和 Doris 的微博文章集送給一羣大陸訪客時，眼淚又不由自主地湧了出來。當我在教會的月禱會中 (Doris 體力許可時都會參加) 禱告的時候，我必需停頓幾次擦去眼淚，一位意想不到的朋友過來和我一起禱告。這個禮拜，我發現宗教儀式在某方面，比起閱讀書籍或者看電影更有力。
這是 Doris 唱的「我的心 你要稱頌耶和華」
https://youtu.be/th2MkX1WA-I
Victor 葉福成 July 12
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Week 6
Six weeks had passed by slowly but surely and so did my flu midweek. On Monday noon I made my way to Tai O Lookout and had high tea at the Tai O Heritage Hotel. Unlike my last visit with Doris I could get a table with a scenic view this time. On the way home I was the sixth customer in a mall barber shop. That gave me time to think and I ordered a buzz cut 陸軍裝 when my turn came. It was shorter than all customers before me. Many suggested it means a new start. It was more like "I am not the same" rather than "I have changed." It was to deal with grief and sadness that would not go away, and hopefully to drive away pent-up frustrations. Baldness at her next year anniversary crossed my mind. At night I cried hard seeing Doris' old class photo.
Tuesday was a lethargic and listless day. By now sore throat was followed by Monday sneezing and coughing Tuesday. It took me a week to get over it. At night eldest sister Vivien and husband were due at the airport. Her plan was to immediately visit our home upon arrival to pay respect to Doris and see her urn. The two other sisters also came at 8pm. Faith brought Doris' favorite lilies in a small vase she said she took from our wedding banquet table for a souvenir many years ago. Vivien and I decided we would like to keep a souvenir from her ashes.
I joined Mok sisters for dinner Wednesday night because eldest sister Vivien and husband were returning to USA after their fact-finding trip to Thailand. This week my memories also tell me I must return to USA hopefully in November to revisit our long honeymoon drive along the Pacific coast highway from southern California to northern California, and then go to Doris favorite Stanley Park in Vancouver.
Thursday was a half day at work for me. Later in the afternoon I revisited Mei Foo and surroundings where we lived eleven months upon our arrival in Hong Kong. I was emotional near Ching Lai Yuen 清麗苑 but not much after. At night I walked to the island pier to quell a sudden burst of tears.
On Friday I realized I have been dreaming for two days in a row. A day earlier I dreamed of a period of tenants from around 1960s talking over each other like from an old black and white TV scene. That was our era. On Friday I dreamed sadly of organizing a worship at the place to intern Doris' ashes. By the way I received news that I had to apply again next month for the internment of ashes because the current batch of places available are visitor unfriendly. The urns there are either placed too low or too high for convenient viewing. I hope to have some form of closure to coincide with the urn internment.
On Saturday I cried in the morning alone in a cafetaria and at night in my prayer walk. At least now the tears are soft and wistful. There is mixed thanksgiving and tears lately, often singing Doris first song from her blog:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, 0 Lord
Great is Your faithfulness.
Sundays at church with familiar faces and parishioners are most draining. I cannot answer positively to the number one question, Are you okay? I often think of Doris who sat with me in the third row on the right. At home I rested and trekked up our local hill to where Doris and I used to sit. It was a good, calm and restful end to the week.
Here is Doris' rendition of her favorite song, Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
第六個星期過得非常緩慢但的確過了，就好像我在禮拜中終於痊癒的感冒。禮拜一中午我去了大澳，在大澳文物酒店的Tai O Lookout 餐廳吃了下午茶。不像上一次我和 Doris 來，這一次我有機會坐在一個有風景的窗口位。在回家的路上，我進了一家位於商場的理髮店， 我是排第六的客人，可以有時間考慮（ 剪什麼髮型） 。輪到我的時候，我決定減一個「陸軍裝」， 比所有在我之前的客人剪得都要短。很多人覺得剪短頭髮意味著一個新的開始，但在我這代表「我不再一樣了」 多於「我已經改變了」；是以此去對付那些難以消失的哀傷和悲感，也希望藉此趕走壓抑著的沮喪。我腦海中閃過一個念頭：明年周年紀念的時候去剃光頭。晚上，當我看到 Doris 以前的學生照時，忍不住痛哭起來。
星期二是昏昏欲睡、無精打采的一天。喉嚨疼已經發展成星期一的打噴嚏和星期二的咳嗽，過了一個禮拜我才好轉。晚上Doris大姐 Vivien 和丈夫到達機場，她計劃下機後馬上來我們家瞻仰 Doris 的骨灰盒。其他兩位姐姐8點也來了， Faith 帶來了Doris 最喜歡的百合花，插放在一個小花瓶裡，她說這花瓶是十多年前她在我們的婚宴桌上拿作留念的，大姐和我決定從她的骨灰盒保留一份紀念品。
星期三晚上我和莫家姐妹們一起吃晚飯，因為大姐 Vivien 和丈夫在泰國的「尋真之旅」之後將會回美國。這個星期我的回憶也提醒我，（希望是在11月）要回去美國重遊我們的蜜月之旅 - 沿著太平洋海岸的高速公路， 從南加州一路駕車到北加州，之後再去 Doris 最喜歡的溫哥華Stanley Park。
星期四是我工作半天。下午， 我舊地重遊了美孚新村以及四周，我們剛到香港的時候曾在那裡住過十一個月。在清麗苑附近，我的情緒有些波動，但之後好快便平復了。晚上，為了平息突如其來的眼淚，我散步走去了離島碼頭。
禮拜五，我發現我已經連續兩天做夢了。之前一天， 我夢見一群好像是六零年代的租客在彼此交談， 好像在黑白電視上看到的場面，那是我們的時代。禮拜五我很傷心地夢見為安葬 Doris 的骨灰組織了一個崇拜儀式。順帶一提，我收到通知，需要下個月為安葬骨灰重新申請，因為現在這批地方非常不方便 - 骨灰盒不是放得太低就是太高，不方便瞻仰。 我希望藉此有某種總結，與安葬骨灰盒為總結。
星期六
早上，我一個人在一間咖啡店哭了起來；晚上，我散步禱告的時候也是這樣。至少現在的眼淚是柔軟並且充滿懷念傷感的，最近當唱著 Doris 博客裡的第一首歌時，感恩和眼淚總是相互交集着：
神愛滔滔活水匆匆湧流，
神愛無限，憐憫沒變遷；
永遠都不會動搖，始終不轉變，
恩主的信實似高天，深恩廣闊萬里。 耶利米哀歌 3:23
禮拜天在教會遇見熟悉的面孔和會友們，最令我控制不住眼淚。我無法積極地回答「你還好嗎？」這類的問題。我時常想起 Doris 和我一起坐在右邊的第三排。回到家我休息了一會，之後登上附近的一座小山， 一個Doris 和我經常去坐的地方。這是一周美好的、平靜安寧的結束。
這是 Doris 所唱的她最喜歡的詩歌。
Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
Tuesday was a lethargic and listless day. By now sore throat was followed by Monday sneezing and coughing Tuesday. It took me a week to get over it. At night eldest sister Vivien and husband were due at the airport. Her plan was to immediately visit our home upon arrival to pay respect to Doris and see her urn. The two other sisters also came at 8pm. Faith brought Doris' favorite lilies in a small vase she said she took from our wedding banquet table for a souvenir many years ago. Vivien and I decided we would like to keep a souvenir from her ashes.
I joined Mok sisters for dinner Wednesday night because eldest sister Vivien and husband were returning to USA after their fact-finding trip to Thailand. This week my memories also tell me I must return to USA hopefully in November to revisit our long honeymoon drive along the Pacific coast highway from southern California to northern California, and then go to Doris favorite Stanley Park in Vancouver.
Thursday was a half day at work for me. Later in the afternoon I revisited Mei Foo and surroundings where we lived eleven months upon our arrival in Hong Kong. I was emotional near Ching Lai Yuen 清麗苑 but not much after. At night I walked to the island pier to quell a sudden burst of tears.
On Friday I realized I have been dreaming for two days in a row. A day earlier I dreamed of a period of tenants from around 1960s talking over each other like from an old black and white TV scene. That was our era. On Friday I dreamed sadly of organizing a worship at the place to intern Doris' ashes. By the way I received news that I had to apply again next month for the internment of ashes because the current batch of places available are visitor unfriendly. The urns there are either placed too low or too high for convenient viewing. I hope to have some form of closure to coincide with the urn internment.
On Saturday I cried in the morning alone in a cafetaria and at night in my prayer walk. At least now the tears are soft and wistful. There is mixed thanksgiving and tears lately, often singing Doris first song from her blog:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, 0 Lord
Great is Your faithfulness.
Sundays at church with familiar faces and parishioners are most draining. I cannot answer positively to the number one question, Are you okay? I often think of Doris who sat with me in the third row on the right. At home I rested and trekked up our local hill to where Doris and I used to sit. It was a good, calm and restful end to the week.
Here is Doris' rendition of her favorite song, Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
第六個星期過得非常緩慢但的確過了，就好像我在禮拜中終於痊癒的感冒。禮拜一中午我去了大澳，在大澳文物酒店的Tai O Lookout 餐廳吃了下午茶。不像上一次我和 Doris 來，這一次我有機會坐在一個有風景的窗口位。在回家的路上，我進了一家位於商場的理髮店， 我是排第六的客人，可以有時間考慮（ 剪什麼髮型） 。輪到我的時候，我決定減一個「陸軍裝」， 比所有在我之前的客人剪得都要短。很多人覺得剪短頭髮意味著一個新的開始，但在我這代表「我不再一樣了」 多於「我已經改變了」；是以此去對付那些難以消失的哀傷和悲感，也希望藉此趕走壓抑著的沮喪。我腦海中閃過一個念頭：明年周年紀念的時候去剃光頭。晚上，當我看到 Doris 以前的學生照時，忍不住痛哭起來。
星期二是昏昏欲睡、無精打采的一天。喉嚨疼已經發展成星期一的打噴嚏和星期二的咳嗽，過了一個禮拜我才好轉。晚上Doris大姐 Vivien 和丈夫到達機場，她計劃下機後馬上來我們家瞻仰 Doris 的骨灰盒。其他兩位姐姐8點也來了， Faith 帶來了Doris 最喜歡的百合花，插放在一個小花瓶裡，她說這花瓶是十多年前她在我們的婚宴桌上拿作留念的，大姐和我決定從她的骨灰盒保留一份紀念品。
星期三晚上我和莫家姐妹們一起吃晚飯，因為大姐 Vivien 和丈夫在泰國的「尋真之旅」之後將會回美國。這個星期我的回憶也提醒我，（希望是在11月）要回去美國重遊我們的蜜月之旅 - 沿著太平洋海岸的高速公路， 從南加州一路駕車到北加州，之後再去 Doris 最喜歡的溫哥華Stanley Park。
星期四是我工作半天。下午， 我舊地重遊了美孚新村以及四周，我們剛到香港的時候曾在那裡住過十一個月。在清麗苑附近，我的情緒有些波動，但之後好快便平復了。晚上，為了平息突如其來的眼淚，我散步走去了離島碼頭。
禮拜五，我發現我已經連續兩天做夢了。之前一天， 我夢見一群好像是六零年代的租客在彼此交談， 好像在黑白電視上看到的場面，那是我們的時代。禮拜五我很傷心地夢見為安葬 Doris 的骨灰組織了一個崇拜儀式。順帶一提，我收到通知，需要下個月為安葬骨灰重新申請，因為現在這批地方非常不方便 - 骨灰盒不是放得太低就是太高，不方便瞻仰。 我希望藉此有某種總結，與安葬骨灰盒為總結。
星期六
早上，我一個人在一間咖啡店哭了起來；晚上，我散步禱告的時候也是這樣。至少現在的眼淚是柔軟並且充滿懷念傷感的，最近當唱著 Doris 博客裡的第一首歌時，感恩和眼淚總是相互交集着：
神愛滔滔活水匆匆湧流，
神愛無限，憐憫沒變遷；
永遠都不會動搖，始終不轉變，
恩主的信實似高天，深恩廣闊萬里。 耶利米哀歌 3:23
禮拜天在教會遇見熟悉的面孔和會友們，最令我控制不住眼淚。我無法積極地回答「你還好嗎？」這類的問題。我時常想起 Doris 和我一起坐在右邊的第三排。回到家我休息了一會，之後登上附近的一座小山， 一個Doris 和我經常去坐的地方。這是一周美好的、平靜安寧的結束。
這是 Doris 所唱的她最喜歡的詩歌。
Seek Only Thy Perfect Way
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPLVd6om8U
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Week 5
The fifth week was marred by sickness. Monday was the second last day for my brother David and his wife in Hong Kong, so I had plenty to do. They had wanted to ride the Ngon Ping cable car, so off we go in the morning. In the afternoon I had to run a few errands, including getting a few of Doris' gift book to Doris oldest sister Vivien from USA before she leaves on Wednesday to Thailand for a fact-finding mission trip and then return to Hong Kong for two days before heading home to USA. I handed the books to her when the whole family had dinner together the same night.
On Tuesday morning I sent my brother and his wife to the airport before returning to work. My brother and I had grown closer these five days. I felt low and was mildly depressed the rest of the day. It is the first time since the funeral that I return by myself to my house.
The feelings reached a crescendo Wednesday. It gave way to tears, fatigue, and lack of motivation. All day I felt like wailing, especially late afternoon when I had to go home. I could not pinpoint what it was. Unknown to me it was the exactly the first month since Doris left me (22nd). A friend of Doris texted me at night: "Victor, I know today will be a hard day for u cos Doris passed away last month on this day. I just prayed that God himself comfort u." I asked a younger widower whose wife passed away from cancer how he coped on his wife's first month of passing away. He replied, "Thinking of her, I would cry."
On Thursday morning three friends joined me on a Macau trip to close Doris bank accounts,as she had instructed, even though there was not much money there. A USA friend Karl had asked me several times to get together, but my heart was not in it, so this was the best time to go away with persistent friends. I close one bank account but I had to use many documents I brought. Another bank says I can withdraw all money but not close unless the two signatories showed up to close the account. After that we ate at the most famous Portuguese food at the beach.
On Friday morn I woke up at 230am and slept again at 430am. It was nervous time as today was the date to collect Doris' ashes. The plan was to call her sisters to join me at the agent's office, but the afternoon passed by without a call, so the plan was aborted. I had also asked a friend who had a car to join us because we could not hail a cab previously near the agent's office. The text arrived at 8pm and he could deliver the urn to church the next day, and even take me to Kwai Fong to board the village shuttle home.
As suspected I was sick. The dry throat the day before was now a full-blown sore throat, so I visited the doctor and was given a day off, but I still had to pick up the urn from the agent noon time at church. I did not ask Doris' sisters to join me because the agent's time was flexible and tight. When he picked me up I thanked him for the special favor of taking me to Kwai Fong. Once on the bus shuttle holding the ash pot the dam in me burst. My baby is going home. There is no better place to be until a place for her opens up at the Lok Fu ChristIan cemetery next month or so. I cannot bear for her remains to be in an unfamiliar office. She has asked me before if it is OK for her remains to be by my side if no suitable place was found. Of course not; I am not scared, I told her. Her ideal was always with me, in island living.
On Sunday I slept for a long time as I was still recovering from sickness with no sign of getting better. I could not concentrate during worship after taking medication, so I left the worship safely in the hands of Rev. So who was the speaker. I grabbed a book by J. I. Packer on grief that a coworker placed on my table. Here are his ten tips for grieving the loss of a loved one:
1. Starting from where you are, do what you can (it may not be much at first) to move toward thanksgiving, submission, and patience.
2. Do not let your grief loosen your grip on the goodness and grace of your loving Lord.
3. Cry (for there is nothing biblical or Christian, or indeed human, about the stiff upper lip).
4. Tell God your sadness (several of the psalms, though not written about bereavement, will supply words for the purpose).
5. Pray as you can, and don’t try to pray as you can’t. (That bit of wisdom is not original to me, nor was it distilled in a grief counseling context, but it is very apropos here.)
6. Avoid well-wishers who think they can cheer you up, but thank God for any who are content to be with you and do things for you without talking at you.
7. Talk to yourself . . . about the loved one you lost.
8. Do not try to hurry your way out of the inner weakness you feel; grieving takes time.
9. Look to God as thankfully, submissively, and patiently as you can (and he will understand if you have to tell him that you cannot really do this yet).
10. Feel, acknowledge, and face, consciously and from your heart, all the feelings that you find in yourself at present, and the day will come when you find yourself able, consciously and from your heart, to live to God daily in thanksgiving, submission, and patient hope once again.
At home I slept for a good two hours in the afternoon, and at night with fellowship brothers and sisters.
Here are the Memorial Service and Cremation service for those who asked:
Doris' Memorial Service https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_BWq0b0pdU Crematorium https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU3464e4aPY
第五個星期被生病破壞了
禮拜一
我哥哥和他太太在香港的最後兩天，所以我挺忙的。他們想去坐昂坪360纜車，我們一早便去了。下午，我跑了幾趟腿，其中包括拿幾本Doris的書給她從美國來的大姐Vivien，她星期三將會去泰國一個「宣教工場」，之後回香港待兩天再回美國。晚上，全家一起吃晚飯的時候，我把書交給了她。
禮拜二早上，上班之前，我送了哥哥和嫂嫂去機場。我和哥哥這五天相處下來，親密了很多。那天我覺得悶悶不樂，情緒有些低落， 這是葬禮之後，我第一次獨自一人回家。
禮拜三，低落的情緒加強，帶來眼淚、疲倦後缺乏動力。一整天我都有想哭的感覺，特別是下午快要回家的時候。我不能確定是什麼，我不知道，原來那天是 Doris離開我整整一個月（22號）。 Doris的一位朋友晚上發短信給我：「Victor，我知道今天對你來說會是一個不容易的日子，因為Doris在上個月的今天離開了。禱告神親自安慰你。 」 我問一位年紀比我輕的喪偶者，他怎麼應付半年前失去患癌症妻子的第一個月紀念，他回答說：「想著她便哭出來吧。」
禮拜四早上，三位朋友陪我一起去了澳門取消Doris的銀行戶口 - 她吩咐我這麼做，雖然銀行戶口裡沒有多少錢。一位美國朋友Karl問過我很多次想見面，但是我不太有心情，所以這次是個大好機會，和很幾位有堅持的朋友一起出去走走。我取消了其中一個銀行賬戶，需要用到很多帶去的文件。另一間銀行告訴我，我可以提取所有的錢，但是不能取消賬户，除非有兩個（開戶人的）簽名。之後我們在沙灘最有名的葡萄牙餐廳吃飯。
禮拜五早上，我2:30醒了，4:30又睡著了。我很緊張，因為今天要去取Doris的骨灰。原定計劃是打給她的姐姐們，一起在代理的辦公室等。但下午一直沒有收到（代理的）電話，原定計劃取消。之前我也問了一位有車的朋友，叫他和我們一起去，因為上一次我們在代理的辦公室附近攔不到計程車。晚上8點收到短信：他可以第二天將骨灰盒送到教會，再送我去葵芳坐回家的村巴。
一如猜測我病了，前一天乾乾的喉嚨發展成了喉嚨痛。於是我去看了醫生，拿了一天病假，可是我仍然需要回教會，中午約了代理拿骨灰盒。我沒有通知Doris的姐姐們過來，因為代理的時間（很彈性也很急）。當他來載我的時候，我謝謝他的特別安排，送我去葵芳。抱著骨灰盒上了村巴，我裡面決堤了，我的寶貝將要回家了。在下個月樂富的基督教墳場為她準備好一個地方之前，沒有一個地方好得過家。我不能忍受將她的遺體放在一個陌生的辦公室。她曾經問過我，如果找不到合適的地方，可不可以將她的遺體放在我旁邊。我告訴她我不會害怕，她的理想就是一直和我一起，在小島居住。
禮拜天我睡了很長時間，因為我還沒有從病中恢復過來，沒有一點康復的跡像。崇拜吃藥之候，我不能集中思想，於是我中途離開了，很放心 - 蘇牧師是當天的講員。我拿起一本一位同事放在我的桌子上J. I. Parker有關哀傷的書A Grief Sanctified，這是他提出如何處理失去至親的十個建議。
1. 在你現在的處境當中盡力（可能一開始並不多）朝向感恩、順服和忍耐的心境。
2. 不要讓你的哀傷令你懷疑神的良善和恩典。
3. 哀哭吧（聖經中、基督教、或是人性的，並沒有要抑制情緒的表達）。
4. 向神傾訴你的哀傷（一些詩篇雖然不是有關喪親之痛，但提供了適合這方面的禱文）。
5. 能夠的話就禱告，但如果你做不到，不要勉強嘗試（這部份的智慧並不是我的原創，也不是在哀傷輔導中學的，但用在這裡很適合）。
6. 避開那些自認為可以讓你開心起來的好心人，為那些與你同行並默默支持你的人感謝神。
7. 自言自語，告訴自己有關失去的那位親人的事。
8. 不要試圖急於從你內在的軟弱感中出來，哀傷需要時間去處理。
9. 盡你所能，以感恩、順服和耐心仰望神（但如果你告訴衪，你現在真的還做不到，衪會明白）。
10. 有意識地從內心觸摸、承認並面對現在所有在你裡面的感受。有一天將你會發現，你又重新能夠有意識地從內心、在每一天的生活中，向神活出感恩、順服、耐心和盼望。
下午，我在家睡了足足兩個小時。晚上和弟兄姐妹們團契。
以下是Doris的安息禮拜和火葬禮視頻：
安息禮拜 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_BWq0b0pdU
火葬禮 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU3464e4aPY
Victor葉福成, June 28
On Tuesday morning I sent my brother and his wife to the airport before returning to work. My brother and I had grown closer these five days. I felt low and was mildly depressed the rest of the day. It is the first time since the funeral that I return by myself to my house.
The feelings reached a crescendo Wednesday. It gave way to tears, fatigue, and lack of motivation. All day I felt like wailing, especially late afternoon when I had to go home. I could not pinpoint what it was. Unknown to me it was the exactly the first month since Doris left me (22nd). A friend of Doris texted me at night: "Victor, I know today will be a hard day for u cos Doris passed away last month on this day. I just prayed that God himself comfort u." I asked a younger widower whose wife passed away from cancer how he coped on his wife's first month of passing away. He replied, "Thinking of her, I would cry."
On Thursday morning three friends joined me on a Macau trip to close Doris bank accounts,as she had instructed, even though there was not much money there. A USA friend Karl had asked me several times to get together, but my heart was not in it, so this was the best time to go away with persistent friends. I close one bank account but I had to use many documents I brought. Another bank says I can withdraw all money but not close unless the two signatories showed up to close the account. After that we ate at the most famous Portuguese food at the beach.
On Friday morn I woke up at 230am and slept again at 430am. It was nervous time as today was the date to collect Doris' ashes. The plan was to call her sisters to join me at the agent's office, but the afternoon passed by without a call, so the plan was aborted. I had also asked a friend who had a car to join us because we could not hail a cab previously near the agent's office. The text arrived at 8pm and he could deliver the urn to church the next day, and even take me to Kwai Fong to board the village shuttle home.
As suspected I was sick. The dry throat the day before was now a full-blown sore throat, so I visited the doctor and was given a day off, but I still had to pick up the urn from the agent noon time at church. I did not ask Doris' sisters to join me because the agent's time was flexible and tight. When he picked me up I thanked him for the special favor of taking me to Kwai Fong. Once on the bus shuttle holding the ash pot the dam in me burst. My baby is going home. There is no better place to be until a place for her opens up at the Lok Fu ChristIan cemetery next month or so. I cannot bear for her remains to be in an unfamiliar office. She has asked me before if it is OK for her remains to be by my side if no suitable place was found. Of course not; I am not scared, I told her. Her ideal was always with me, in island living.
On Sunday I slept for a long time as I was still recovering from sickness with no sign of getting better. I could not concentrate during worship after taking medication, so I left the worship safely in the hands of Rev. So who was the speaker. I grabbed a book by J. I. Packer on grief that a coworker placed on my table. Here are his ten tips for grieving the loss of a loved one:
1. Starting from where you are, do what you can (it may not be much at first) to move toward thanksgiving, submission, and patience.
2. Do not let your grief loosen your grip on the goodness and grace of your loving Lord.
3. Cry (for there is nothing biblical or Christian, or indeed human, about the stiff upper lip).
4. Tell God your sadness (several of the psalms, though not written about bereavement, will supply words for the purpose).
5. Pray as you can, and don’t try to pray as you can’t. (That bit of wisdom is not original to me, nor was it distilled in a grief counseling context, but it is very apropos here.)
6. Avoid well-wishers who think they can cheer you up, but thank God for any who are content to be with you and do things for you without talking at you.
7. Talk to yourself . . . about the loved one you lost.
8. Do not try to hurry your way out of the inner weakness you feel; grieving takes time.
9. Look to God as thankfully, submissively, and patiently as you can (and he will understand if you have to tell him that you cannot really do this yet).
10. Feel, acknowledge, and face, consciously and from your heart, all the feelings that you find in yourself at present, and the day will come when you find yourself able, consciously and from your heart, to live to God daily in thanksgiving, submission, and patient hope once again.
At home I slept for a good two hours in the afternoon, and at night with fellowship brothers and sisters.
Here are the Memorial Service and Cremation service for those who asked:
Doris' Memorial Service https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_BWq0b0pdU Crematorium https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU3464e4aPY
第五個星期被生病破壞了
禮拜一
我哥哥和他太太在香港的最後兩天，所以我挺忙的。他們想去坐昂坪360纜車，我們一早便去了。下午，我跑了幾趟腿，其中包括拿幾本Doris的書給她從美國來的大姐Vivien，她星期三將會去泰國一個「宣教工場」，之後回香港待兩天再回美國。晚上，全家一起吃晚飯的時候，我把書交給了她。
禮拜二早上，上班之前，我送了哥哥和嫂嫂去機場。我和哥哥這五天相處下來，親密了很多。那天我覺得悶悶不樂，情緒有些低落， 這是葬禮之後，我第一次獨自一人回家。
禮拜三，低落的情緒加強，帶來眼淚、疲倦後缺乏動力。一整天我都有想哭的感覺，特別是下午快要回家的時候。我不能確定是什麼，我不知道，原來那天是 Doris離開我整整一個月（22號）。 Doris的一位朋友晚上發短信給我：「Victor，我知道今天對你來說會是一個不容易的日子，因為Doris在上個月的今天離開了。禱告神親自安慰你。 」 我問一位年紀比我輕的喪偶者，他怎麼應付半年前失去患癌症妻子的第一個月紀念，他回答說：「想著她便哭出來吧。」
禮拜四早上，三位朋友陪我一起去了澳門取消Doris的銀行戶口 - 她吩咐我這麼做，雖然銀行戶口裡沒有多少錢。一位美國朋友Karl問過我很多次想見面，但是我不太有心情，所以這次是個大好機會，和很幾位有堅持的朋友一起出去走走。我取消了其中一個銀行賬戶，需要用到很多帶去的文件。另一間銀行告訴我，我可以提取所有的錢，但是不能取消賬户，除非有兩個（開戶人的）簽名。之後我們在沙灘最有名的葡萄牙餐廳吃飯。
禮拜五早上，我2:30醒了，4:30又睡著了。我很緊張，因為今天要去取Doris的骨灰。原定計劃是打給她的姐姐們，一起在代理的辦公室等。但下午一直沒有收到（代理的）電話，原定計劃取消。之前我也問了一位有車的朋友，叫他和我們一起去，因為上一次我們在代理的辦公室附近攔不到計程車。晚上8點收到短信：他可以第二天將骨灰盒送到教會，再送我去葵芳坐回家的村巴。
一如猜測我病了，前一天乾乾的喉嚨發展成了喉嚨痛。於是我去看了醫生，拿了一天病假，可是我仍然需要回教會，中午約了代理拿骨灰盒。我沒有通知Doris的姐姐們過來，因為代理的時間（很彈性也很急）。當他來載我的時候，我謝謝他的特別安排，送我去葵芳。抱著骨灰盒上了村巴，我裡面決堤了，我的寶貝將要回家了。在下個月樂富的基督教墳場為她準備好一個地方之前，沒有一個地方好得過家。我不能忍受將她的遺體放在一個陌生的辦公室。她曾經問過我，如果找不到合適的地方，可不可以將她的遺體放在我旁邊。我告訴她我不會害怕，她的理想就是一直和我一起，在小島居住。
禮拜天我睡了很長時間，因為我還沒有從病中恢復過來，沒有一點康復的跡像。崇拜吃藥之候，我不能集中思想，於是我中途離開了，很放心 - 蘇牧師是當天的講員。我拿起一本一位同事放在我的桌子上J. I. Parker有關哀傷的書A Grief Sanctified，這是他提出如何處理失去至親的十個建議。
1. 在你現在的處境當中盡力（可能一開始並不多）朝向感恩、順服和忍耐的心境。
2. 不要讓你的哀傷令你懷疑神的良善和恩典。
3. 哀哭吧（聖經中、基督教、或是人性的，並沒有要抑制情緒的表達）。
4. 向神傾訴你的哀傷（一些詩篇雖然不是有關喪親之痛，但提供了適合這方面的禱文）。
5. 能夠的話就禱告，但如果你做不到，不要勉強嘗試（這部份的智慧並不是我的原創，也不是在哀傷輔導中學的，但用在這裡很適合）。
6. 避開那些自認為可以讓你開心起來的好心人，為那些與你同行並默默支持你的人感謝神。
7. 自言自語，告訴自己有關失去的那位親人的事。
8. 不要試圖急於從你內在的軟弱感中出來，哀傷需要時間去處理。
9. 盡你所能，以感恩、順服和耐心仰望神（但如果你告訴衪，你現在真的還做不到，衪會明白）。
10. 有意識地從內心觸摸、承認並面對現在所有在你裡面的感受。有一天將你會發現，你又重新能夠有意識地從內心、在每一天的生活中，向神活出感恩、順服、耐心和盼望。
下午，我在家睡了足足兩個小時。晚上和弟兄姐妹們團契。
以下是Doris的安息禮拜和火葬禮視頻：
安息禮拜 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_BWq0b0pdU
火葬禮 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU3464e4aPY
Victor葉福成, June 28
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Week 4
The fourth week of grief was the worse yet because of the funeral. The first day (13th) lunch and dinner were spent with relatives and church leaders, respectively. Dinner was okay after a few tears shed at initial meeting of old friends. I called for lunch with Vivien慧英, Doris' San Diego sister, and husband Henry to spend more time with them before they leave. After lunch second sister To 導英 and I went to obtain Doris' death certificate. To suggested two copies, just in case. I waited more than two weeks for the notice to arrive in my mail box, but it was a few minutes' wait at the government office. The officer punched a hole in her ID and returned it to me. I kissed the hole that was punched. At least I got the ID back. Grief and grievance are linguistic cousins, so I decided to write mine down and dealt with it before Saturday.
On Tuesday morning I could greet neighbors. Listening to coworkers practice Doris' fave song Seek Only Thy Perfect Way made me misty-eyed. Doris had wanted to sing it in church, but it was not a priority. I finally read internet articles on grief. The best advice I received from four respectable sources was not to make major changes presently. The grief period is usually six months to two years. In the afternoon there was more crying when I met a visitor at church. On the same night Doris had left me, I had lunch with five guest speakers during our church's missions week and gave our latest book away to them. On this Wednesday noon a coworker brought a few visitors to church. After I passed them in the hallway, our coworker called my name and introduced me to a familiar face. The guest was the leader of a renowned missions organization and he said the book I gave him during lunch is good and suited for them to train their missionaries. He asked if I have the English version. I told him originally it was in English and Doris had managed translating her Bible study materials halfway, but I could not continue the conversation and left apologizing because I could only think of how much Doris put into the book, with results now. In fact our publisher tells me they have only 50 copies of the 1,500 published left in their warehouse two months after it was released.
On Thursday my brother David and his wife Siew Huay arrived from Kuala Lumpur to stay with me for five days. They wanted to come very much to offer support. They were here just two months ago and he regretted not having enough time to converse with her over family dinner in April.
On Friday morning the apprehension woke me at 130am and I cried later in the morning. The rest of the day was preparation for the wake or visitation at night. A coworker took six of us in his van at 330pm to get ready. As usual, seeing Doris' body brought a lot of grief and a sense of loss. The first visitor was at 5pm. We grabbed a quick bite when another relative arrived. Friday night was more personal because we could still hug friends who came. There were more than a few who could not come next day for the funeral proper. I was surprised my two former churches in USA sent flowers. I met some of her friends from Queen's University, from Macau and St Paul's Co-ed. Friends said her older pictures, 1984 Evangelistic coffee house songs and 2015 testimony broadcasted and last minute gift book of her 2010-2016 blog were captivating, inspiring and comforting. I was humming to Perhaps Love the next day.
Saturday was a wrenching and wretched day. When the time to view her for the last time arrived, I hesitated and doubted, more like refused to accept it. It tears me apart each time I think of viewing her body for the last time, carrying her picture to the waiting van, pressing the button at the crematorium and seeing the door close and the coffin disappears. Someone commented that in the old days they could even see the coffin burning.
Her two video clips that day: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hPThpsdXgWQ
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hswk21EYNmU
The next important task was to take her big picture home on the same day, which I decided to do right away on a possible rainy day. I wrapped up the picture in plastic to be less conspicuous and arrived on the bus shuttle just when it started to drizzle. Anything is better than the next day on the bus home with the expected crowd flocking to the island on a good sunny day. After resting for two hours I took my brother for dinner and a walk. I did not want them cooped up in the house because of me. On one of the busiest street in Hong Kong hearing an old Samuel Hui song 鬼馬雙星 at 930pm my tears boiled over. I don't think the song was related, so it was illogical and unexpected. A psychology professor friend present that day alerted me, "Bouts of tear episode is typical of grieving."
The next morning I took my brother to YMCA for an English sermon, hoping he would be open to the gospel, but he said the sermon was boring. At least he was willing to go with me present, so I could not pass up the opportunity. Back to the putonghua worship we gave gift books to those who did not come to the funeral. At night I took them for seafood, but they bemoaned of the standard of living and especially food prices in Hong Kong. At least my brother kept me occupied with his comic relief, city curiosity and cultural gap with me. Now I know why my wife was slightly anxious if I could adapt to living in Hong Kong.
Finally, a big thank you to Jeffield who made 20 music videos of Doris in a week, here's our only home duet on Perhaps Love.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FtbzXzfpy6U
Victor 葉福成 June 20
因為葬禮的緣故，第四個禮拜是至今為止最傷痛的。第一天（6月13號），午餐和晚餐分別和親戚以及教會領袖一起吃。晚餐和老朋友們見面時都會有些感動，吃晚餐時還好。午餐我打電話給慧英 - Doris在聖地亞哥的姐姐 - 還有她的丈夫Henry，想在他們走之前多和他們聚一聚。午餐之後二姐導英和我一起去領取Doris的死亡證。導姐建議拿兩份備份，以防萬一有需要。我等了兩個星期才收到通知，但是在政府辦事處，只用了幾分鐘。政府辦事處的人在她的身份証上打了一個洞，還了給我 。我在洞上吻了一下：至少我拿回了她的身份證。 「哀傷grief」和「哀怨grievance」在字面上是兩個息息相關的，所以我決定寫下我的哀傷，並在星期六的之前處理它。
星期二早上，我可以主動跟鄰居打招呼了，聽到同事們在練習Doris最喜歡的詩歌「 只尋求你完美旨意Seek Only Thy Perfect Way」，我的眼睛又濕潤了。 Doris曾經想在教會唱這首歌，但一直沒有成為優先所做的一件事。我終於在互聯網上看了有關處理哀傷的文章，從四個可靠的網站我得到最好的忠告，就是在現階段不要做任何重大的改變，哀傷期一般是六個月到兩年。下午， 我在教會遇見一位訪客，這又令我哭了起來。 Doris離開的晚上， 中午我和教會宣教主日的五位講員一起吃午餐，並且贈送了我們的新書“同作門徒” 給他們。禮拜四中午後，一位同事帶了幾位訪客來教會，當我在走廊經過他們十幾步的時候，同事叫住我，將一位十分面善的訪客介紹給我，那是一間有名氣的宣教機構的主管，他告訴我，上次午餐時我送給他的書很好，很適合用來培訓他們的宣教士。他問我是否有英文版。我告訴他，書的原本就是英文的，Doris已經把部份的查經資料翻譯到英文，說到這里我已經沒有辦法繼續我們的談話，致歉之後便離開了。我想到Doris投入了許多心血和努力在書裡，才有現在的果效。我們的出版商告訴我，書出版後的短短兩個月，1500 本只剩下50本在倉庫裡。
星期四
我的哥哥David和他的太太Siew Huay從吉隆坡來香港五天陪我，他們很想來支持我，他們兩個月之前來過香港，David覺得很遺憾，在四月的家庭聚餐中，沒有花多一點時間和Doris交談。
星期五
哀慟在凌晨1:30將我喚醒，稍後的早晨我哭了出來。一天餘下的時間都是在準備晚上的守靈。下午3:30，一位同事開車送了我們六個人去殯儀館準備。照樣的，見到Doris的遺體帶給我很多哀傷和失落感。第一位致哀者5點鐘到，當另一位親戚到的時候，我們很快吃了一點東西。禮拜五晚上比較個人，因為我們可以和來致哀的朋友們互相擁抱， 有好幾位不能來第二天的葬禮。我感到有點意外 - 我以前在美國的兩間教會都送了花圈來。我見到了Doris 在Queen's University的幾位朋友，也有從澳門來的，以及聖保羅男女中學的。朋友們都說，她的舊照片、1984年的「福音咖啡館佈道」歌曲、2015年的見證錄影、以及生命最後的2010-2016博客分享禮物書都很吸引、激勵、安慰人。第二天我一直在哼唱著 Perhaps Love。
星期六是傷心可憐的一天。當最後見她一面的時刻到了，我有些猶豫和懷疑，更像是難以接受。每次一想到最後一次見到她的遺體、將她的相片拿去等待中的車上、在火葬場按按鈕、看著門關起來、棺材消失在眼前，都讓我覺得被撕裂。有人告訴我，以前家人甚至可以看著棺材被火化。 安息禮拜片段：
http://youtu.be/hPThpsdXgWQ
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hswk21EYNmU
接下來重要的一項任務，就是當天把她的大照片拿回家，我決定馬上做，因為可能快下雨了。我用塑料紙將照片包起來，這樣就可以不太顯眼。走到村巴的時候，開始下起毛毛雨。任何事都比第二天回家時在巴士上好因為很多人在明天預測陽光普照的好天氣坐車湧入馬灣小島，正如所料。休息了兩個小時之後，我帶我哥哥去吃晚飯、散步，我不想他們因為我而一直窩在家裡。晚上9:30，在香港其中一條最繁忙的街上，聽到許冠文的老歌「鬼馬雙星」，我的眼淚翻滾出來。我不認為歌曲有什麼關聯，所以這是不合邏輯，也是意料之外的。那天來的有位心理学教授朋友警告我，「片段式的流淚發作是典型的哀痛表現」。
第二天早上我帶哥哥去YMCA聽英文講道，希望他可以對福音開放自己，可是他說講道很沉悶。至少他願意和我一起去，所以我不能錯過機會。回到普通話崇拜，我們把禮物書送給那些沒有來參加葬禮的人。晚上，我帶他們去吃海鮮，他們感嘆香港的高消費，特別是食物的價格。至少我的哥哥以他喜劇式的安慰、對香港城市的好奇、以及和我的文化差異讓我保持忙碌。現在我明白，在香港為何我太太緊張我是否適應香港的生活。
非常感謝年輕人Jeffield在一星期內製作了20個Doris的音樂錄影，這是唯一一段我們合唱 (Perhaps Love)。
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FtbzXzfpy6U
Victor 葉福成, June 21
On Tuesday morning I could greet neighbors. Listening to coworkers practice Doris' fave song Seek Only Thy Perfect Way made me misty-eyed. Doris had wanted to sing it in church, but it was not a priority. I finally read internet articles on grief. The best advice I received from four respectable sources was not to make major changes presently. The grief period is usually six months to two years. In the afternoon there was more crying when I met a visitor at church. On the same night Doris had left me, I had lunch with five guest speakers during our church's missions week and gave our latest book away to them. On this Wednesday noon a coworker brought a few visitors to church. After I passed them in the hallway, our coworker called my name and introduced me to a familiar face. The guest was the leader of a renowned missions organization and he said the book I gave him during lunch is good and suited for them to train their missionaries. He asked if I have the English version. I told him originally it was in English and Doris had managed translating her Bible study materials halfway, but I could not continue the conversation and left apologizing because I could only think of how much Doris put into the book, with results now. In fact our publisher tells me they have only 50 copies of the 1,500 published left in their warehouse two months after it was released.
On Thursday my brother David and his wife Siew Huay arrived from Kuala Lumpur to stay with me for five days. They wanted to come very much to offer support. They were here just two months ago and he regretted not having enough time to converse with her over family dinner in April.
On Friday morning the apprehension woke me at 130am and I cried later in the morning. The rest of the day was preparation for the wake or visitation at night. A coworker took six of us in his van at 330pm to get ready. As usual, seeing Doris' body brought a lot of grief and a sense of loss. The first visitor was at 5pm. We grabbed a quick bite when another relative arrived. Friday night was more personal because we could still hug friends who came. There were more than a few who could not come next day for the funeral proper. I was surprised my two former churches in USA sent flowers. I met some of her friends from Queen's University, from Macau and St Paul's Co-ed. Friends said her older pictures, 1984 Evangelistic coffee house songs and 2015 testimony broadcasted and last minute gift book of her 2010-2016 blog were captivating, inspiring and comforting. I was humming to Perhaps Love the next day.
Saturday was a wrenching and wretched day. When the time to view her for the last time arrived, I hesitated and doubted, more like refused to accept it. It tears me apart each time I think of viewing her body for the last time, carrying her picture to the waiting van, pressing the button at the crematorium and seeing the door close and the coffin disappears. Someone commented that in the old days they could even see the coffin burning.
Her two video clips that day: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hPThpsdXgWQ
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hswk21EYNmU
The next important task was to take her big picture home on the same day, which I decided to do right away on a possible rainy day. I wrapped up the picture in plastic to be less conspicuous and arrived on the bus shuttle just when it started to drizzle. Anything is better than the next day on the bus home with the expected crowd flocking to the island on a good sunny day. After resting for two hours I took my brother for dinner and a walk. I did not want them cooped up in the house because of me. On one of the busiest street in Hong Kong hearing an old Samuel Hui song 鬼馬雙星 at 930pm my tears boiled over. I don't think the song was related, so it was illogical and unexpected. A psychology professor friend present that day alerted me, "Bouts of tear episode is typical of grieving."
The next morning I took my brother to YMCA for an English sermon, hoping he would be open to the gospel, but he said the sermon was boring. At least he was willing to go with me present, so I could not pass up the opportunity. Back to the putonghua worship we gave gift books to those who did not come to the funeral. At night I took them for seafood, but they bemoaned of the standard of living and especially food prices in Hong Kong. At least my brother kept me occupied with his comic relief, city curiosity and cultural gap with me. Now I know why my wife was slightly anxious if I could adapt to living in Hong Kong.
Finally, a big thank you to Jeffield who made 20 music videos of Doris in a week, here's our only home duet on Perhaps Love.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FtbzXzfpy6U
Victor 葉福成 June 20
因為葬禮的緣故，第四個禮拜是至今為止最傷痛的。第一天（6月13號），午餐和晚餐分別和親戚以及教會領袖一起吃。晚餐和老朋友們見面時都會有些感動，吃晚餐時還好。午餐我打電話給慧英 - Doris在聖地亞哥的姐姐 - 還有她的丈夫Henry，想在他們走之前多和他們聚一聚。午餐之後二姐導英和我一起去領取Doris的死亡證。導姐建議拿兩份備份，以防萬一有需要。我等了兩個星期才收到通知，但是在政府辦事處，只用了幾分鐘。政府辦事處的人在她的身份証上打了一個洞，還了給我 。我在洞上吻了一下：至少我拿回了她的身份證。 「哀傷grief」和「哀怨grievance」在字面上是兩個息息相關的，所以我決定寫下我的哀傷，並在星期六的之前處理它。
星期二早上，我可以主動跟鄰居打招呼了，聽到同事們在練習Doris最喜歡的詩歌「 只尋求你完美旨意Seek Only Thy Perfect Way」，我的眼睛又濕潤了。 Doris曾經想在教會唱這首歌，但一直沒有成為優先所做的一件事。我終於在互聯網上看了有關處理哀傷的文章，從四個可靠的網站我得到最好的忠告，就是在現階段不要做任何重大的改變，哀傷期一般是六個月到兩年。下午， 我在教會遇見一位訪客，這又令我哭了起來。 Doris離開的晚上， 中午我和教會宣教主日的五位講員一起吃午餐，並且贈送了我們的新書“同作門徒” 給他們。禮拜四中午後，一位同事帶了幾位訪客來教會，當我在走廊經過他們十幾步的時候，同事叫住我，將一位十分面善的訪客介紹給我，那是一間有名氣的宣教機構的主管，他告訴我，上次午餐時我送給他的書很好，很適合用來培訓他們的宣教士。他問我是否有英文版。我告訴他，書的原本就是英文的，Doris已經把部份的查經資料翻譯到英文，說到這里我已經沒有辦法繼續我們的談話，致歉之後便離開了。我想到Doris投入了許多心血和努力在書裡，才有現在的果效。我們的出版商告訴我，書出版後的短短兩個月，1500 本只剩下50本在倉庫裡。
星期四
我的哥哥David和他的太太Siew Huay從吉隆坡來香港五天陪我，他們很想來支持我，他們兩個月之前來過香港，David覺得很遺憾，在四月的家庭聚餐中，沒有花多一點時間和Doris交談。
星期五
哀慟在凌晨1:30將我喚醒，稍後的早晨我哭了出來。一天餘下的時間都是在準備晚上的守靈。下午3:30，一位同事開車送了我們六個人去殯儀館準備。照樣的，見到Doris的遺體帶給我很多哀傷和失落感。第一位致哀者5點鐘到，當另一位親戚到的時候，我們很快吃了一點東西。禮拜五晚上比較個人，因為我們可以和來致哀的朋友們互相擁抱， 有好幾位不能來第二天的葬禮。我感到有點意外 - 我以前在美國的兩間教會都送了花圈來。我見到了Doris 在Queen's University的幾位朋友，也有從澳門來的，以及聖保羅男女中學的。朋友們都說，她的舊照片、1984年的「福音咖啡館佈道」歌曲、2015年的見證錄影、以及生命最後的2010-2016博客分享禮物書都很吸引、激勵、安慰人。第二天我一直在哼唱著 Perhaps Love。
星期六是傷心可憐的一天。當最後見她一面的時刻到了，我有些猶豫和懷疑，更像是難以接受。每次一想到最後一次見到她的遺體、將她的相片拿去等待中的車上、在火葬場按按鈕、看著門關起來、棺材消失在眼前，都讓我覺得被撕裂。有人告訴我，以前家人甚至可以看著棺材被火化。 安息禮拜片段：
http://youtu.be/hPThpsdXgWQ
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hswk21EYNmU
接下來重要的一項任務，就是當天把她的大照片拿回家，我決定馬上做，因為可能快下雨了。我用塑料紙將照片包起來，這樣就可以不太顯眼。走到村巴的時候，開始下起毛毛雨。任何事都比第二天回家時在巴士上好因為很多人在明天預測陽光普照的好天氣坐車湧入馬灣小島，正如所料。休息了兩個小時之後，我帶我哥哥去吃晚飯、散步，我不想他們因為我而一直窩在家裡。晚上9:30，在香港其中一條最繁忙的街上，聽到許冠文的老歌「鬼馬雙星」，我的眼淚翻滾出來。我不認為歌曲有什麼關聯，所以這是不合邏輯，也是意料之外的。那天來的有位心理学教授朋友警告我，「片段式的流淚發作是典型的哀痛表現」。
第二天早上我帶哥哥去YMCA聽英文講道，希望他可以對福音開放自己，可是他說講道很沉悶。至少他願意和我一起去，所以我不能錯過機會。回到普通話崇拜，我們把禮物書送給那些沒有來參加葬禮的人。晚上，我帶他們去吃海鮮，他們感嘆香港的高消費，特別是食物的價格。至少我的哥哥以他喜劇式的安慰、對香港城市的好奇、以及和我的文化差異讓我保持忙碌。現在我明白，在香港為何我太太緊張我是否適應香港的生活。
非常感謝年輕人Jeffield在一星期內製作了20個Doris的音樂錄影，這是唯一一段我們合唱 (Perhaps Love)。
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FtbzXzfpy6U
Victor 葉福成, June 21
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Week 3
The psychological battle began on week three. A good morning on day one was interrupted by sermon preparation on Ecclesiastes 3, my second week of preaching in a row with chapter two last week, June fifth. When I read Ecc 3:11 I could not hold back the tears: "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end." My poor wife did not know the day of her sudden death. No one can find out the work that God made from the beginning to the end. Somehow I missed the verse's importance when I prepared it months before. How could I have missed the signs? Her cold legs, slurring speech and empty stomach that day.
Day two I started questioning: Did I love and protect my wife enough? Was I deserving of her? Was I in denial, like she always said? A brother asked me if I replayed the last scene of the last day again, I said no. Later I surely replayed the scene. Maybe we could have send her to the hospital Sunday night. On that night, her sister said there were no doctors around Sunday night, and it deterred her. Maybe it was best not to say yes when she asked if she should shower. Then she could depart peacefully on the bed.
Day three morning was okay. During my morning swim I peered behind the beautiful morning cloud and wondered what Doris was doing beyond the big and bright cloud. Sometimes I can picture her getting into the pool when she wakes up and catches up with me at the pool.
Day four was pretty emotional putting the final touches to the funeral bulletin and book gift. Her nephew Josiah told a childhood story and her niece gave a remarkable verse: Isa 57:1-2. I was emotionally overwhelmed. At night I read through her thankful text messages to Soup Ladies and other givers and I was touched by her gratitude and felt a sense helpless loss.
Thursday was a public holiday and was my best morning so far. I called all relatives to Simply Life for lunch. After lunch I had coffee with eldest sister's husband while the three sisters shopped for our black shirts. We agreed on a shop, and got two for the men. While others shopped I asked To, the sister who spent the most time with Doris, how she was doing. Tears flooded our eyes. As I was still misty-eyed riding the mall escalator to leave, a text from a brother who lost his wife a year ago arrived: "Just a note to let you know that I am thinking about you, my dearest friend. Holidays are difficult. Take time for yourself. Knowing you are loved by so many! Hugs..." It was hard to see relatives or anyone on holidays!
On Friday I texted Doris' old phone, saying: "BB, I feel so sad." I have been texting her old phone for some time. Previously she would like me to text her after lunch to tell her how the day was going or ask her how she was doing. At 430pm, the emotions resurfaced, so I called coworkers for a drink.
I had a pleasant surprise on day six. Doris' Kingston schoolmate from Toronto visited his relative in Hong Kong and gave a copy of her vocals in a coffee house ministry, singing Perhaps Love. It was as precious a gift as it could get. For two nights in a row I shared Doris' testimony with Putonghua fellowship and Friday Couples fellowship.
On Sunday morning as I was getting ready to preach Ecclesiastes 3, a coworker told me how he remembered where we usually sat in front of the drum seats. The feelings rushed out just like that an hour before my preaching. Preaching went well, far better than last week. Preparation kept me occupied without being overworked. A deacon remarked that he could see the healing process in me in between preaching. At night I was thankful Jeffield had put into video a song with piano and vocals by Doris, her favorite in Hong Kong, see below.
https://youtu.be/wqA5oN7J_nE
第三個星期開始了心理的爭戰。美好的星期一早上被準備傳道書第三章的講章打断了。我一連兩週講道，上個禮拜天6月5號講傳道書第二章。當我讀到第三章11節， 便控制不住眼淚：「神造萬物，各按其時成為美好，又將永生（原文是永遠）安置在世人心裡。然而神從始至終的作為，人不能參透。」我可憐的太太不知道自己突然死亡的日子。沒有一個人可以發現神從始至終的工作。不知什麼原因，我幾個月前準備講章的時候，錯過了這段經文的重要性。我為什麼錯過種種跡象呢？那一天她冰冷的雙腿、口齒含糊的言談和空空的腸胃。
第二天
我開始問自己：我有足夠的愛和保護給了我的太太嗎？ 我配得上她嗎？我是否一直在否定嗎，就像她經常所說的？ 一位弟兄問我， 你的腦海中有沒有重播最後一天的最後一幕，我告訴他我没有。可是之後，我的確重播了當時的情景。也許我們可以在禮拜天晚上送了她去醫院，那天晚上因為她姐姐說了「禮拜天晚上醫院沒有醫生的」，令她改變主意。也許當她問是否可以冲凉時，最好沒有說「可以」，然後她就可以躺在牀上平静地離去。
第三天早上還好。晨泳時，我窺視着美麗的朝霞，猜想Doris在又大又亮的雲彩後面正做什麼。有時我可以想像到當她早上醒來之後，進到泳池，陪我游泳。那天的情緒起伏很大，對葬禮通告以及書籍禮物做最後的修改， 當她的姪女Josiah李文瀚講了一個Doris的童年故事，她的侄子讀出一段精彩的經文，以賽亞書57章1-2節時，我的情緒崩潰了。晚上，我細閱了她發給湯水姊妹們及其他供應者的感謝短信，被她的感激之情和失去她的無奈所感動。
星期四是端午節公眾假期，是至今为止感覺最好的一个早晨。我打電話給所有的親戚，一起去Simply Life吃午飯。之後我和大姐夫喝咖啡，三姊妹去幫我們男士買黑襯衫。我們選了一家店， 買了两件男裝的。其他人還在購物的時候，我問導姐 - 就是陪伴Doris最多時間的那位 - 「你還好嗎？」我們的眼淚就都禁不住湧了出来。我淚眼朦朧，正坐電梯離開的時候， 收到一位弟兄的短信，他的太太去年離世，「 親愛的朋友，只想寫短信告訴你，我現在正想着你。假期比較難度過，慢慢來，知道有很多人愛你！ 抱抱你……」。是的，假期中見親友們都很傷感！
星期五
我發短信給Doris的舊電話：「寶貝，我覺得很難過。」我繼續發短信給她的舊電話已經有一段日子了。以前，她喜歡我在午餐之後發短信給她，告訴她我那天過得怎麼樣，或者問問她的狀況如何。下午四點半，情緒又浮了上來，於是我打給同事們一起喝東西。
第六天
我收到一個令人喜悦的驚喜，Doris在加拿大 Kingston 的同學回港探親，送了一卷錄音給我，是她在一個咖啡屋事工所唱的「也許爱Perhaps Love」。這真是一份最珍貴的禮物！連續兩晚，我分別在普通話團契和五伉團契分享Doris的見証。
禮拜天早上，當我準備好當天的講道傳道書三章時，一位同事告訴我他記得我倆以前通常坐在鼓位子前面，就在我講道前的一小時，那些感覺突然汹涌出來。講道時還不錯，比起上個禮拜好很多。準備講章令我保持忙碌，但又不至於過度勞累。一位執事告訴我，他在我兩次講道之間，見到我裏面被醫治的過程。晚上，我很欣慰Jeffield將Doris所唱的、有鋼琴伴奏的一首詩歌做成錄像，是她在香港的最愛（見下）。我也很欣慰羅濤修補了一個一小時長的手提電話的錄音，都是Doris自彈自唱的歌。 https://youtu.be/wqA5oN7J_nE
Victor 葉福成 June 14
Day two I started questioning: Did I love and protect my wife enough? Was I deserving of her? Was I in denial, like she always said? A brother asked me if I replayed the last scene of the last day again, I said no. Later I surely replayed the scene. Maybe we could have send her to the hospital Sunday night. On that night, her sister said there were no doctors around Sunday night, and it deterred her. Maybe it was best not to say yes when she asked if she should shower. Then she could depart peacefully on the bed.
Day three morning was okay. During my morning swim I peered behind the beautiful morning cloud and wondered what Doris was doing beyond the big and bright cloud. Sometimes I can picture her getting into the pool when she wakes up and catches up with me at the pool.
Day four was pretty emotional putting the final touches to the funeral bulletin and book gift. Her nephew Josiah told a childhood story and her niece gave a remarkable verse: Isa 57:1-2. I was emotionally overwhelmed. At night I read through her thankful text messages to Soup Ladies and other givers and I was touched by her gratitude and felt a sense helpless loss.
Thursday was a public holiday and was my best morning so far. I called all relatives to Simply Life for lunch. After lunch I had coffee with eldest sister's husband while the three sisters shopped for our black shirts. We agreed on a shop, and got two for the men. While others shopped I asked To, the sister who spent the most time with Doris, how she was doing. Tears flooded our eyes. As I was still misty-eyed riding the mall escalator to leave, a text from a brother who lost his wife a year ago arrived: "Just a note to let you know that I am thinking about you, my dearest friend. Holidays are difficult. Take time for yourself. Knowing you are loved by so many! Hugs..." It was hard to see relatives or anyone on holidays!
On Friday I texted Doris' old phone, saying: "BB, I feel so sad." I have been texting her old phone for some time. Previously she would like me to text her after lunch to tell her how the day was going or ask her how she was doing. At 430pm, the emotions resurfaced, so I called coworkers for a drink.
I had a pleasant surprise on day six. Doris' Kingston schoolmate from Toronto visited his relative in Hong Kong and gave a copy of her vocals in a coffee house ministry, singing Perhaps Love. It was as precious a gift as it could get. For two nights in a row I shared Doris' testimony with Putonghua fellowship and Friday Couples fellowship.
On Sunday morning as I was getting ready to preach Ecclesiastes 3, a coworker told me how he remembered where we usually sat in front of the drum seats. The feelings rushed out just like that an hour before my preaching. Preaching went well, far better than last week. Preparation kept me occupied without being overworked. A deacon remarked that he could see the healing process in me in between preaching. At night I was thankful Jeffield had put into video a song with piano and vocals by Doris, her favorite in Hong Kong, see below.
https://youtu.be/wqA5oN7J_nE
第三個星期開始了心理的爭戰。美好的星期一早上被準備傳道書第三章的講章打断了。我一連兩週講道，上個禮拜天6月5號講傳道書第二章。當我讀到第三章11節， 便控制不住眼淚：「神造萬物，各按其時成為美好，又將永生（原文是永遠）安置在世人心裡。然而神從始至終的作為，人不能參透。」我可憐的太太不知道自己突然死亡的日子。沒有一個人可以發現神從始至終的工作。不知什麼原因，我幾個月前準備講章的時候，錯過了這段經文的重要性。我為什麼錯過種種跡象呢？那一天她冰冷的雙腿、口齒含糊的言談和空空的腸胃。
第二天
我開始問自己：我有足夠的愛和保護給了我的太太嗎？ 我配得上她嗎？我是否一直在否定嗎，就像她經常所說的？ 一位弟兄問我， 你的腦海中有沒有重播最後一天的最後一幕，我告訴他我没有。可是之後，我的確重播了當時的情景。也許我們可以在禮拜天晚上送了她去醫院，那天晚上因為她姐姐說了「禮拜天晚上醫院沒有醫生的」，令她改變主意。也許當她問是否可以冲凉時，最好沒有說「可以」，然後她就可以躺在牀上平静地離去。
第三天早上還好。晨泳時，我窺視着美麗的朝霞，猜想Doris在又大又亮的雲彩後面正做什麼。有時我可以想像到當她早上醒來之後，進到泳池，陪我游泳。那天的情緒起伏很大，對葬禮通告以及書籍禮物做最後的修改， 當她的姪女Josiah李文瀚講了一個Doris的童年故事，她的侄子讀出一段精彩的經文，以賽亞書57章1-2節時，我的情緒崩潰了。晚上，我細閱了她發給湯水姊妹們及其他供應者的感謝短信，被她的感激之情和失去她的無奈所感動。
星期四是端午節公眾假期，是至今为止感覺最好的一个早晨。我打電話給所有的親戚，一起去Simply Life吃午飯。之後我和大姐夫喝咖啡，三姊妹去幫我們男士買黑襯衫。我們選了一家店， 買了两件男裝的。其他人還在購物的時候，我問導姐 - 就是陪伴Doris最多時間的那位 - 「你還好嗎？」我們的眼淚就都禁不住湧了出来。我淚眼朦朧，正坐電梯離開的時候， 收到一位弟兄的短信，他的太太去年離世，「 親愛的朋友，只想寫短信告訴你，我現在正想着你。假期比較難度過，慢慢來，知道有很多人愛你！ 抱抱你……」。是的，假期中見親友們都很傷感！
星期五
我發短信給Doris的舊電話：「寶貝，我覺得很難過。」我繼續發短信給她的舊電話已經有一段日子了。以前，她喜歡我在午餐之後發短信給她，告訴她我那天過得怎麼樣，或者問問她的狀況如何。下午四點半，情緒又浮了上來，於是我打給同事們一起喝東西。
第六天
我收到一個令人喜悦的驚喜，Doris在加拿大 Kingston 的同學回港探親，送了一卷錄音給我，是她在一個咖啡屋事工所唱的「也許爱Perhaps Love」。這真是一份最珍貴的禮物！連續兩晚，我分別在普通話團契和五伉團契分享Doris的見証。
禮拜天早上，當我準備好當天的講道傳道書三章時，一位同事告訴我他記得我倆以前通常坐在鼓位子前面，就在我講道前的一小時，那些感覺突然汹涌出來。講道時還不錯，比起上個禮拜好很多。準備講章令我保持忙碌，但又不至於過度勞累。一位執事告訴我，他在我兩次講道之間，見到我裏面被醫治的過程。晚上，我很欣慰Jeffield將Doris所唱的、有鋼琴伴奏的一首詩歌做成錄像，是她在香港的最愛（見下）。我也很欣慰羅濤修補了一個一小時長的手提電話的錄音，都是Doris自彈自唱的歌。 https://youtu.be/wqA5oN7J_nE
Victor 葉福成 June 14
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Week 2
The second week took its physical toil. Week two begins with a nostalgic Monday trip to Repulse Bay and Stanley. At Repulse Bay I tried to snap a picture of me sitting on a railing like Doris used to, but I could not find the exact railing or background. Stanley was a disappointment because we had not taken pictures there.
Tuesday of week two was the most tiring. Somehow I was sick but did not realize it until I was in the office. Later my sister-in-law said her husband gave it to me over lunch yesterday. At least there were answers. Also I had blisters and blood clots on both feet from yesterday's trip. It did not help my sermon preparation because I was speaking on Ecclesiastes 2 on Sunday. Chapter 1 was the last message Doris heard from me via internet, and surprisingly gave me a nod of approval.
Wednesday. My stomach system was better after a night and a morning's bout of diarrhea. It made me feel for her bloated stomach and toilet difficulties. Later it was a full day of training and meetings, so I had little time or focus for sermon preparation.
Thursday was a half day. A young man who heard me tell two neighbors my wife had left asked me about Doris. A minute ago he left the cafetaria but said a surprising force gave him courage to approach me. He said he could not hold back his tears reading her story. After sermon preparation and early lunch I went to Media to pick up my wife's old recordings that were released to me through the intervention of a coworker. Reaching my office I cried twice holding the two disks. There were eight recordings, both twenty minutes long, in two parts. The recordings were made the year after we arrived in Hong Kong in 2008 but before she contracted cancer.
On Friday I had the best morning so far but still out of breath and no energy. At least I didn't feel like avoiding neighbors. It was the best morning yet for me to work on my Sunday message. At night I was inspired to use Doris' last blog message for Ecclesiastes 2.
With time on my hands Saturday morning I had the sudden urge to use Doris' binoculars she bought less than two months ago on a bird watching trip offered by a friend. Her sister suggested donating the HK$1,600 binoculars two days after Doris had left, but I would have none of it so soon. I took two pictures of birds in two separate trees. Then I paid a visit to the postal office to pick up a surprise registration package for Doris. It was her 2016-2017 Psychological Society membership certificate that is good till May 2017. I could not help but cry again. My wife worked so hard for so long for so many things.
Sunday morning I took the young man to a nearby church in the island before I left for mine. Reaching the 18th floor brought back memories and tears. Doris used to sit on the third row with me. I had to hold back the emotions or the sermon would be unclear. It was okay, and the emotions burst like a dam again after preaching, though not as bad as last week. At night a group took me to Sai Kung to take my mind off things. Last night I slept less than four hours.
第二個禮拜很疲累。第二個星期由週一淺水灣和赤柱的懷舊之旅開始。在淺水灣，我試圖拍一張我坐在Doris曾經坐過的欄桿上的照片，可是我找不到那個欄桿或背景。赤柱令人失望，因為我們從來沒有在那裡拍過照。
星期二是最累的。不知怎麽回事，自己生病了卻還意識不到，直到回到辦公室的時候。後來Doris的姐姐說，應該是她的丈夫昨天一起吃午飯的時候傳染給我的。至少現在知道了原由。此外，我的雙腳因昨天之走路都起了水泡，還有血塊，這對我準備講道的工作不太有幫助 - 禮拜天崇拜我會講傳道書第二章。 Doris最後一次聽我講道，是從網上聽的傳道書第一章，而且還驚訝得到了她的高度評價。
星期三。我的腸胃經過一晚上和一早上的拉肚子之後，覺得好一點了。這讓我體會到她所經歷过的 - 浮腫的肚子以及排泄的困難。接下來是一整天的培訓和會議，所以我沒有很多時間和精力準備講道。
週四工作半天。一個年輕人聽到我告訴兩個鄰居Doris已經離世，他本來已經離開咖啡館了，一分鐘後又回來，向我問起Doris。之後他說：“很奇怪，有一種引力，叫我去大膽的認識你。” 他讀了Doris的故事之後，一直不能控制他的眼淚。準備講道，與美國教會牧者吃了早午飯後，我去影音使團取我太太以前的一批錄音，是通過一位同事的介入和幫助的。回到辦公室，我手里捧着兩張磁碟哭了兩次。兩張磁碟一共有八個錄音，每張20分鐘，有兩部分。這些錄音是我們2008年回港一年之後，她患癌症之前製作的。之後我把錄音上傳
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
週五的早晨是到目前為止，我覺得最好的一個早晨，雖然我仍然沒什麼力氣和神氣，但至少不避開鄰居了。同時這又是最好的早晨準備我禮拜天的講道信息。晚上，我受到 Doris最後一篇的博客文章所啟發，用來作傳道書第二章的信息。
週六早上我有時間，突然有衝動很想用Doris買了不到兩個月的望遠鏡，那時一位朋友帶我們去觀鳥買的。她的姐姐在她離開後兩天，便建議捐贈這副價值HK $ 1,600的望遠鏡，但我從來不想這麼快送走那望遠鏡。我拍了兩張小鳥的照片，它們分別在兩棵樹上。之後，我去了郵局取一件寄給Doris的掛號郵件，是她2016至2017年心理學會會員的證書，到2017年5月才過期。我又忍不住哭了起來 - 我的妻子在許多事上用不少時間都勤奮努力！
禮拜天早上，回恩福堂之前，我帶星期四遇到的年輕人去到家附近的教堂。到教會18樓又哭了。我必須控制住情緒，不然講道會不清晰。講道時還可以，可是講道之後，情緒又再次像缺堤的水壩一樣爆發，雖然沒有上週那麼嚴重。晚上有一組弟兄姊妹帶我去西貢散散心。當天晚上我睡眠時間不足四小時。
Victor Yap 葉福成 June 7
Tuesday of week two was the most tiring. Somehow I was sick but did not realize it until I was in the office. Later my sister-in-law said her husband gave it to me over lunch yesterday. At least there were answers. Also I had blisters and blood clots on both feet from yesterday's trip. It did not help my sermon preparation because I was speaking on Ecclesiastes 2 on Sunday. Chapter 1 was the last message Doris heard from me via internet, and surprisingly gave me a nod of approval.
Wednesday. My stomach system was better after a night and a morning's bout of diarrhea. It made me feel for her bloated stomach and toilet difficulties. Later it was a full day of training and meetings, so I had little time or focus for sermon preparation.
Thursday was a half day. A young man who heard me tell two neighbors my wife had left asked me about Doris. A minute ago he left the cafetaria but said a surprising force gave him courage to approach me. He said he could not hold back his tears reading her story. After sermon preparation and early lunch I went to Media to pick up my wife's old recordings that were released to me through the intervention of a coworker. Reaching my office I cried twice holding the two disks. There were eight recordings, both twenty minutes long, in two parts. The recordings were made the year after we arrived in Hong Kong in 2008 but before she contracted cancer.
On Friday I had the best morning so far but still out of breath and no energy. At least I didn't feel like avoiding neighbors. It was the best morning yet for me to work on my Sunday message. At night I was inspired to use Doris' last blog message for Ecclesiastes 2.
With time on my hands Saturday morning I had the sudden urge to use Doris' binoculars she bought less than two months ago on a bird watching trip offered by a friend. Her sister suggested donating the HK$1,600 binoculars two days after Doris had left, but I would have none of it so soon. I took two pictures of birds in two separate trees. Then I paid a visit to the postal office to pick up a surprise registration package for Doris. It was her 2016-2017 Psychological Society membership certificate that is good till May 2017. I could not help but cry again. My wife worked so hard for so long for so many things.
Sunday morning I took the young man to a nearby church in the island before I left for mine. Reaching the 18th floor brought back memories and tears. Doris used to sit on the third row with me. I had to hold back the emotions or the sermon would be unclear. It was okay, and the emotions burst like a dam again after preaching, though not as bad as last week. At night a group took me to Sai Kung to take my mind off things. Last night I slept less than four hours.
第二個禮拜很疲累。第二個星期由週一淺水灣和赤柱的懷舊之旅開始。在淺水灣，我試圖拍一張我坐在Doris曾經坐過的欄桿上的照片，可是我找不到那個欄桿或背景。赤柱令人失望，因為我們從來沒有在那裡拍過照。
星期二是最累的。不知怎麽回事，自己生病了卻還意識不到，直到回到辦公室的時候。後來Doris的姐姐說，應該是她的丈夫昨天一起吃午飯的時候傳染給我的。至少現在知道了原由。此外，我的雙腳因昨天之走路都起了水泡，還有血塊，這對我準備講道的工作不太有幫助 - 禮拜天崇拜我會講傳道書第二章。 Doris最後一次聽我講道，是從網上聽的傳道書第一章，而且還驚訝得到了她的高度評價。
星期三。我的腸胃經過一晚上和一早上的拉肚子之後，覺得好一點了。這讓我體會到她所經歷过的 - 浮腫的肚子以及排泄的困難。接下來是一整天的培訓和會議，所以我沒有很多時間和精力準備講道。
週四工作半天。一個年輕人聽到我告訴兩個鄰居Doris已經離世，他本來已經離開咖啡館了，一分鐘後又回來，向我問起Doris。之後他說：“很奇怪，有一種引力，叫我去大膽的認識你。” 他讀了Doris的故事之後，一直不能控制他的眼淚。準備講道，與美國教會牧者吃了早午飯後，我去影音使團取我太太以前的一批錄音，是通過一位同事的介入和幫助的。回到辦公室，我手里捧着兩張磁碟哭了兩次。兩張磁碟一共有八個錄音，每張20分鐘，有兩部分。這些錄音是我們2008年回港一年之後，她患癌症之前製作的。之後我把錄音上傳
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXFIJrIVtseVk5yKxmdgTzg
週五的早晨是到目前為止，我覺得最好的一個早晨，雖然我仍然沒什麼力氣和神氣，但至少不避開鄰居了。同時這又是最好的早晨準備我禮拜天的講道信息。晚上，我受到 Doris最後一篇的博客文章所啟發，用來作傳道書第二章的信息。
週六早上我有時間，突然有衝動很想用Doris買了不到兩個月的望遠鏡，那時一位朋友帶我們去觀鳥買的。她的姐姐在她離開後兩天，便建議捐贈這副價值HK $ 1,600的望遠鏡，但我從來不想這麼快送走那望遠鏡。我拍了兩張小鳥的照片，它們分別在兩棵樹上。之後，我去了郵局取一件寄給Doris的掛號郵件，是她2016至2017年心理學會會員的證書，到2017年5月才過期。我又忍不住哭了起來 - 我的妻子在許多事上用不少時間都勤奮努力！
禮拜天早上，回恩福堂之前，我帶星期四遇到的年輕人去到家附近的教堂。到教會18樓又哭了。我必須控制住情緒，不然講道會不清晰。講道時還可以，可是講道之後，情緒又再次像缺堤的水壩一樣爆發，雖然沒有上週那麼嚴重。晚上有一組弟兄姊妹帶我去西貢散散心。當天晚上我睡眠時間不足四小時。
Victor Yap 葉福成 June 7
Week 1
Dear friends of Doris,
It's been a week since my beloved Doris left me. Her struggle till the end was 唔捨得 fondness for me versus being with Christ.I will remember her last dream, walking without pause or fear through a long dark tunnel to find a rest area at the end of the tunnel. I asked her if it was a bad dream, she said No. I treaded with caution asking it in the negative because dreams caused her much emotional suffering, as strong as physical suffering to her. I asked her sister if they were told this dream, but one said, She did not mention the dream but her dreams usually feature bad guys and evil nightmares 她沒提過，多數講及的都是有壞人，邪惡的夢. So I am comforted she is in a much better place with her much beloved Lord, but I did not feel it till day five.
Day one after Doris left was sudden planning for the funeral and not going to the mortuary as expected because the police gave me a call at 1 am and said that there is not enough time for the mortuary to prepare her body for the next day. The vacant day was not good for her sisters' state of mind. With that information Monday morning, I asked coworkers for more funeral agent referrals. I decided to meet with the agent that replied me the earliest, five minutes after I texted at 804am. He can meet 1030am, and so could Doris' sisters, Faith and Marion, and Cheng 鄭昌 who was helping me with funeral arrangement. Wei Seng and Bon joined the meeting. The most favorable dates were after 14th as a friend of Doris requested not on 10-13th because she was away and Rev. So would be back 14th. In retrospect the much later date turned out well because her nephew Josiah could book ticket easily from USA. Cheng would moderate, Rev. So would speak, Wei Seng pray, and Bon read scripture. After lunch Wing Cheung was added to scripture reading. All the above were very helpful. A few coworkers joined us for lunch. The sisters were comforted, knowing I have good company. The only blip that day was when I realized her two sisters had emptied and recycled all her morphine bottles that noon to help me out with cleaning, but that left a hole in me. One of the sister was a model environmentalist who would not let anything go to waste. I preferred to keep an empty bottle at least. The thought of more cleaning by her sisters prompted me to go through leftover medication and food, then separated and photographed what they could take. I felt better. I also found two small notebooks with one set of Bible study application for Psalm 51, a list of institutions and amount to offer, good for me to follow up.
Day two morn 9-945am was spent at the mortuary. While waiting for the office to open, I told the older sister with me I would prefer them not to remove anything and keep the house as is. It took 45 minutes to fill forms and see Doris' body. I touched the glass in tears. She looked exactly like before. We get to view her for less than five minutes. With much time at hand I decided to go to Macau at 1105am to retrieve some savings from our bank before bank complications set in, revisit old places and take some pictures of her former housing and University. The sisters offered to go with me to provide support, but I wanted to do a solo trip for memories sake and on her behalf. Using my Macau ID, I discovered it has been canceled since Doris no longer worked there. I took the 230pm return ferry. At night I was so excited to find some prayers she wrote in her doctoral student days.
Day three was emotional and personal to me. It kicks off a drive to visit places I have been with Doris plan. I went to the Peak after convenient 好彩 breakfast with older sister To and her husband Chiu, spent two hours there before coming down for a late lunch at one of our fave cantonese 龍幫BBQ in Sheungwan. For the last two days coworkers surrounded me for tea, doing their best to comfort me. At night I try to finish off refrigerator food. It took eight days to consume the last portion since I only eat home at night.
Day four was back to work as I had exhausted the two days compassionate leave but that day was a half day work for me, so I went for early lunch at IFC Open Kitchen and bottled water later at sheungwan pacific coffee, all our regular stops.
Friday, day five. I woke up in a better spirit, accepting finally that she couldn't be any happier than to be in the presence of the Lord, released from her ongoing suffering. I could even sing a morn song to Doris. The last few days I could manage two to four hours sleep. The better morn did not hold up. As usual tears freely flow while doing work, taking MTR, seeing older friends and feeling nostalgic with familiar sights, sounds and sensations.
Day six. Cheng took me to Shanghai restaurant to cheer me up, joined by Wei Seng later. It's weird that I don't feel like the next day is a Sunday. Already I could not figure out Friday and Saturday without a schedule around caring for Doris.
Yesterday. The tears floodgates hit at putonghua worship when Bon prayed for Doris and family. The speaker was affected. The benediction led to an outpouring. Karol told she dreamed of Doris laying hands on her, praying for her while Karol was doing laundry. I was comforted. Over lunch the PTH crowd proposed a Shanghai trip to remember places we visited last May. I was definitely interested.
Today I put the last few pieces of clothing she wore by the rack beside her bed where it was previously placed before the stroke. Tidying, cleaning, washing, organizing all helped me to come to terms with her absence. The two water flasks remained in the same spot on the table, so is the last empty bottle in the fridge, the star wars cup by the bed, only samples of unopened meds and two pots of plants remained. One of the happiest occasions was the sisters found a big empty morphine bottle in the kitchen pantry and I found another underneath the kitchen sink!
I still keep her old phone number to send texts there since yesterday. Today I told her my dream with herlast night and everybody's fave question three days now to me in the form of, What's your plan or Are you returning to USA?
I write this for my own processing and growth and to help others dealing with grief!
Doris親愛的朋友們：
我至愛的Doris離開我已經一個禮拜了。她離世前最後的掙扎，就是對我-的鍾情不捨對比與基督一起。我會一直記得她所做的最後一個夢：她在一條又長又黑的隧道中不停地、不畏懼地行走，最後在隧道的另一頭出口找到一個休息 (rest area) 的地方。我問她這是否一個噩夢，她說不是。我小心翼翼地，並且否定的方法問她，因為我知道，一直以來夢給她造成巨大的精神痛苦，和她所忍受的身體上的痛苦同樣強烈。 我又問了她兩位姐姐，她們是否聽過這個夢，她們說沒有，但說她的夢中經常出現壞人，以及有關邪惡的夢。她現在已經在一個更好的地方，與她摯愛的主在一起，想到這一點我心中得了安慰，但我是到了她離開第五天才這麼覺得。
Doris離開的第一天，突發地計劃了葬禮，也如我預期的，不能去殮房，因為警方凌晨1點打來，告知殮房沒有足夠時間在次日準備好她的遺體。這一天的空閒對她的姐姐們的精神不是很好。星期一早上知道這消息之後，我問同事多拿了幾個葬禮代理的聯絡， 8:04發了短信，五分鐘後收到回覆，我決定和這位最早回覆的代理見面。他可以 10:30會面，另外Doris的姐姐導英，敏英，幫忙安排葬禮的鄭昌也可以，煒成和國邦也加入了會議。最理想的葬禮日期是六月十四號之後，Doris的一位朋友希望不要在十號到十三號之間，因為她不在香港，蘇牧師也要十四號才回來。現在回想起來，日期推遲了比較好，這樣，她的外甥Josiah在美國訂機票就容易多了。葬禮的安排：鄭昌牧師主持，蘇牧師證道，煒成禱告，國邦讀經。午餐後，加了永祥讀經，同工們幫助我們很多。有幾位同事來和我們一起午餐，姐姐們知道我有這麼好的同伴，都覺得很安慰。
那天唯一的不對勁，就是當我發現她的兩位姐姐為了幫助我清理，已經在中午倒空並回收了她所有的嗎啡藥瓶，我心裡好像有了一個空空的洞。其中一位姐姐是環保人士的典範，從不容許任何東西被浪費，可是我是希望至少保留一個藥瓶。想到她的姐姐們將會進行更多的清理，這想法促使我去檢查家裡剩餘的藥物和食物，將它們分開，並將她們有可能拿走的拍照留念。我覺得好點了。同時，我發現了兩本小的筆記本，其中有一套詩篇五十一篇查經的應用，以及一份機構的名單以及奉獻的數目，方便讓我跟進。
第三天對於我來說是情緒起伏的、私人的一天，驅使我打算開始一個計劃：重遊我和Doris曾經一起去過的地方。早上在上環好彩酒樓和導姐、姐夫阿超吃完早餐，之後我去了山頂兩個小時。下山之後，在上環一家我們很喜歡的廣東燒味"龍幫”吃了午餐。過去兩天，同事們都圍繞着我，陪我喝飲料，盡量安慰我。晚上我嘗試將冰箱裏的食物吃完，結果花了八天才吃掉最後一份， 因為我只有晚上才在家吃。
第四天
回去工作。我已經消耗了兩天喪假， 今天 我需要工作半天。我去了IFC的Open Kitchen，吃了個早午餐，之後在上環的 Pacific Coffee買了一瓶水喝。這幾個地點都是我們通常會去的。
星期五 第五天
醒來的時候覺得精神好了一點，終於可以接受她最開心的，是從苦難中被釋放出來，和神在一起。我甚至唱了一首清晨的歌給Doris聽。過去幾天我每晚可以睡2到4個小時。這個精神好了一點的早晨並沒有維持多久，和往常一樣，眼淚不停地流下來，在工作的時候，坐地鐵的時候，見老朋友的時候，碰到熟悉的情景、聲音和感覺，懷念過去的時候。
第六天
鄭昌帶我去吃上海菜， 希望令我振作起來，之後煒成也一起來了。很奇怪，我感覺不到第二天就是禮拜天了，沒有了照顧Doris的時間表， 我已經弄不清星期五和星期六了。
昨天
普通話崇拜時，當國邦為Doris和家人禱告時， 我的眼淚像沖開了閘，不停地流，連講員也被感染了，最後我上台祝福的時候，眼淚更是控制不住，傾注而下。Karol告訴我，她夢到自己正在洗衣服的時候，Doris按手在她身上，為她禱告。我聽了心裡很受安慰。吃午飯的時候，普通話團友們提議一個上海之旅，一起去紀念去年五月我們到訪過的地方。我當然有興趣！
今天
我將她穿過的最後幾件衣服放在床邊的架子上，放在她中風之前放著的地方。在家中收拾、清潔、洗刷、整理……幫助我過渡到她已經不在了的狀態。兩個水壺還放在桌子上原來的位置，冰箱裡最後一個空藥瓶也是，還有在床邊的“星球大戰”的杯子，還沒有開封的藥和兩盆植物。最開心的時刻，就是姐姐們在廚房的櫥櫃裡發現 了一個空的大嗎啡藥瓶，而我在廚房的水盆下發現了另一個！
我仍然保留她的手機號碼，昨天開始發短信過去。今天我告訴她昨晚有關我和她的 夢，還有這三天最多人問的問題：你有什麼打算？會回去美國嗎？
我將這些寫下來，為了我個人的分析和成長，也為了幫助別人處理哀痛！
Victor Yap 葉福成May 30
It's been a week since my beloved Doris left me. Her struggle till the end was 唔捨得 fondness for me versus being with Christ.I will remember her last dream, walking without pause or fear through a long dark tunnel to find a rest area at the end of the tunnel. I asked her if it was a bad dream, she said No. I treaded with caution asking it in the negative because dreams caused her much emotional suffering, as strong as physical suffering to her. I asked her sister if they were told this dream, but one said, She did not mention the dream but her dreams usually feature bad guys and evil nightmares 她沒提過，多數講及的都是有壞人，邪惡的夢. So I am comforted she is in a much better place with her much beloved Lord, but I did not feel it till day five.
Day one after Doris left was sudden planning for the funeral and not going to the mortuary as expected because the police gave me a call at 1 am and said that there is not enough time for the mortuary to prepare her body for the next day. The vacant day was not good for her sisters' state of mind. With that information Monday morning, I asked coworkers for more funeral agent referrals. I decided to meet with the agent that replied me the earliest, five minutes after I texted at 804am. He can meet 1030am, and so could Doris' sisters, Faith and Marion, and Cheng 鄭昌 who was helping me with funeral arrangement. Wei Seng and Bon joined the meeting. The most favorable dates were after 14th as a friend of Doris requested not on 10-13th because she was away and Rev. So would be back 14th. In retrospect the much later date turned out well because her nephew Josiah could book ticket easily from USA. Cheng would moderate, Rev. So would speak, Wei Seng pray, and Bon read scripture. After lunch Wing Cheung was added to scripture reading. All the above were very helpful. A few coworkers joined us for lunch. The sisters were comforted, knowing I have good company. The only blip that day was when I realized her two sisters had emptied and recycled all her morphine bottles that noon to help me out with cleaning, but that left a hole in me. One of the sister was a model environmentalist who would not let anything go to waste. I preferred to keep an empty bottle at least. The thought of more cleaning by her sisters prompted me to go through leftover medication and food, then separated and photographed what they could take. I felt better. I also found two small notebooks with one set of Bible study application for Psalm 51, a list of institutions and amount to offer, good for me to follow up.
Day two morn 9-945am was spent at the mortuary. While waiting for the office to open, I told the older sister with me I would prefer them not to remove anything and keep the house as is. It took 45 minutes to fill forms and see Doris' body. I touched the glass in tears. She looked exactly like before. We get to view her for less than five minutes. With much time at hand I decided to go to Macau at 1105am to retrieve some savings from our bank before bank complications set in, revisit old places and take some pictures of her former housing and University. The sisters offered to go with me to provide support, but I wanted to do a solo trip for memories sake and on her behalf. Using my Macau ID, I discovered it has been canceled since Doris no longer worked there. I took the 230pm return ferry. At night I was so excited to find some prayers she wrote in her doctoral student days.
Day three was emotional and personal to me. It kicks off a drive to visit places I have been with Doris plan. I went to the Peak after convenient 好彩 breakfast with older sister To and her husband Chiu, spent two hours there before coming down for a late lunch at one of our fave cantonese 龍幫BBQ in Sheungwan. For the last two days coworkers surrounded me for tea, doing their best to comfort me. At night I try to finish off refrigerator food. It took eight days to consume the last portion since I only eat home at night.
Day four was back to work as I had exhausted the two days compassionate leave but that day was a half day work for me, so I went for early lunch at IFC Open Kitchen and bottled water later at sheungwan pacific coffee, all our regular stops.
Friday, day five. I woke up in a better spirit, accepting finally that she couldn't be any happier than to be in the presence of the Lord, released from her ongoing suffering. I could even sing a morn song to Doris. The last few days I could manage two to four hours sleep. The better morn did not hold up. As usual tears freely flow while doing work, taking MTR, seeing older friends and feeling nostalgic with familiar sights, sounds and sensations.
Day six. Cheng took me to Shanghai restaurant to cheer me up, joined by Wei Seng later. It's weird that I don't feel like the next day is a Sunday. Already I could not figure out Friday and Saturday without a schedule around caring for Doris.
Yesterday. The tears floodgates hit at putonghua worship when Bon prayed for Doris and family. The speaker was affected. The benediction led to an outpouring. Karol told she dreamed of Doris laying hands on her, praying for her while Karol was doing laundry. I was comforted. Over lunch the PTH crowd proposed a Shanghai trip to remember places we visited last May. I was definitely interested.
Today I put the last few pieces of clothing she wore by the rack beside her bed where it was previously placed before the stroke. Tidying, cleaning, washing, organizing all helped me to come to terms with her absence. The two water flasks remained in the same spot on the table, so is the last empty bottle in the fridge, the star wars cup by the bed, only samples of unopened meds and two pots of plants remained. One of the happiest occasions was the sisters found a big empty morphine bottle in the kitchen pantry and I found another underneath the kitchen sink!
I still keep her old phone number to send texts there since yesterday. Today I told her my dream with herlast night and everybody's fave question three days now to me in the form of, What's your plan or Are you returning to USA?
I write this for my own processing and growth and to help others dealing with grief!
Doris親愛的朋友們：
我至愛的Doris離開我已經一個禮拜了。她離世前最後的掙扎，就是對我-的鍾情不捨對比與基督一起。我會一直記得她所做的最後一個夢：她在一條又長又黑的隧道中不停地、不畏懼地行走，最後在隧道的另一頭出口找到一個休息 (rest area) 的地方。我問她這是否一個噩夢，她說不是。我小心翼翼地，並且否定的方法問她，因為我知道，一直以來夢給她造成巨大的精神痛苦，和她所忍受的身體上的痛苦同樣強烈。 我又問了她兩位姐姐，她們是否聽過這個夢，她們說沒有，但說她的夢中經常出現壞人，以及有關邪惡的夢。她現在已經在一個更好的地方，與她摯愛的主在一起，想到這一點我心中得了安慰，但我是到了她離開第五天才這麼覺得。
Doris離開的第一天，突發地計劃了葬禮，也如我預期的，不能去殮房，因為警方凌晨1點打來，告知殮房沒有足夠時間在次日準備好她的遺體。這一天的空閒對她的姐姐們的精神不是很好。星期一早上知道這消息之後，我問同事多拿了幾個葬禮代理的聯絡， 8:04發了短信，五分鐘後收到回覆，我決定和這位最早回覆的代理見面。他可以 10:30會面，另外Doris的姐姐導英，敏英，幫忙安排葬禮的鄭昌也可以，煒成和國邦也加入了會議。最理想的葬禮日期是六月十四號之後，Doris的一位朋友希望不要在十號到十三號之間，因為她不在香港，蘇牧師也要十四號才回來。現在回想起來，日期推遲了比較好，這樣，她的外甥Josiah在美國訂機票就容易多了。葬禮的安排：鄭昌牧師主持，蘇牧師證道，煒成禱告，國邦讀經。午餐後，加了永祥讀經，同工們幫助我們很多。有幾位同事來和我們一起午餐，姐姐們知道我有這麼好的同伴，都覺得很安慰。
那天唯一的不對勁，就是當我發現她的兩位姐姐為了幫助我清理，已經在中午倒空並回收了她所有的嗎啡藥瓶，我心裡好像有了一個空空的洞。其中一位姐姐是環保人士的典範，從不容許任何東西被浪費，可是我是希望至少保留一個藥瓶。想到她的姐姐們將會進行更多的清理，這想法促使我去檢查家裡剩餘的藥物和食物，將它們分開，並將她們有可能拿走的拍照留念。我覺得好點了。同時，我發現了兩本小的筆記本，其中有一套詩篇五十一篇查經的應用，以及一份機構的名單以及奉獻的數目，方便讓我跟進。
第三天對於我來說是情緒起伏的、私人的一天，驅使我打算開始一個計劃：重遊我和Doris曾經一起去過的地方。早上在上環好彩酒樓和導姐、姐夫阿超吃完早餐，之後我去了山頂兩個小時。下山之後，在上環一家我們很喜歡的廣東燒味"龍幫”吃了午餐。過去兩天，同事們都圍繞着我，陪我喝飲料，盡量安慰我。晚上我嘗試將冰箱裏的食物吃完，結果花了八天才吃掉最後一份， 因為我只有晚上才在家吃。
第四天
回去工作。我已經消耗了兩天喪假， 今天 我需要工作半天。我去了IFC的Open Kitchen，吃了個早午餐，之後在上環的 Pacific Coffee買了一瓶水喝。這幾個地點都是我們通常會去的。
星期五 第五天
醒來的時候覺得精神好了一點，終於可以接受她最開心的，是從苦難中被釋放出來，和神在一起。我甚至唱了一首清晨的歌給Doris聽。過去幾天我每晚可以睡2到4個小時。這個精神好了一點的早晨並沒有維持多久，和往常一樣，眼淚不停地流下來，在工作的時候，坐地鐵的時候，見老朋友的時候，碰到熟悉的情景、聲音和感覺，懷念過去的時候。
第六天
鄭昌帶我去吃上海菜， 希望令我振作起來，之後煒成也一起來了。很奇怪，我感覺不到第二天就是禮拜天了，沒有了照顧Doris的時間表， 我已經弄不清星期五和星期六了。
昨天
普通話崇拜時，當國邦為Doris和家人禱告時， 我的眼淚像沖開了閘，不停地流，連講員也被感染了，最後我上台祝福的時候，眼淚更是控制不住，傾注而下。Karol告訴我，她夢到自己正在洗衣服的時候，Doris按手在她身上，為她禱告。我聽了心裡很受安慰。吃午飯的時候，普通話團友們提議一個上海之旅，一起去紀念去年五月我們到訪過的地方。我當然有興趣！
今天
我將她穿過的最後幾件衣服放在床邊的架子上，放在她中風之前放著的地方。在家中收拾、清潔、洗刷、整理……幫助我過渡到她已經不在了的狀態。兩個水壺還放在桌子上原來的位置，冰箱裡最後一個空藥瓶也是，還有在床邊的“星球大戰”的杯子，還沒有開封的藥和兩盆植物。最開心的時刻，就是姐姐們在廚房的櫥櫃裡發現 了一個空的大嗎啡藥瓶，而我在廚房的水盆下發現了另一個！
我仍然保留她的手機號碼，昨天開始發短信過去。今天我告訴她昨晚有關我和她的 夢，還有這三天最多人問的問題：你有什麼打算？會回去美國嗎？
我將這些寫下來，為了我個人的分析和成長，也為了幫助別人處理哀痛！
Victor Yap 葉福成May 30
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Rest in Peace, Doris! May 22, 2016
*Jesus Wept*
Yesterday her sister Marion敏英 came in the morning to care for her and To導英 took over in the afternoon, so Doris saw all her beloved HK sisters before she departed. At noon she rested at club house and at evening the pain overwhelmed her and she contemplated going to emergency but To feared no doctor was present over weekend. An hour later the pain persisted and I asked her if she still wanna go. This time she said no, fearing no treatment there. I massaged her legs with cream for her at her request and she felt relaxed and ready for bed. When she got up she suddenly asked if she should shower, we both said yes just in case she would be hospitalized today, her worst fear.
I adjusted the water to the right temperature for her before she sat on the stool in tub. She drew the curtains and showered and slumped unconscious over sideways within a minute or two. Doris favorite request in the swimming pool was for me to give her a piggy back ride, so I dried her quickly and scooped her in my arms without thinking and rushed her to our sofa. I could never have done that usually for fear of dropping her. She would not dare either. At 921pm To placed a call to police while I did quick work to dress her up at the same time hearung the police reply over the phone that they are on the way. Ma Wan is less than ten minutes walking fron one end to other. The two of us barely managed to slip her favorite pants and shirt on when they knocked on our door seconds earlier.
The paramedics did CPR and revived her to send her to hospital. To went ahead to ambulance while I have to lock up as the police were slow to pick up their things. Just as the ambulance was waiting for me a police downstairs said I have to stay to give my account of events, so they left without me. At 956pm To gave me a call and said doctor wanna asked me if I want to resusticate her, and we both agreed that's not her wish.
I caught a taxi to 人濟and arrived seconds before Marion and Tos husband Chiu. The doctor gave us 1009pm time of her departure and said she barely revived one minute before slipping away. Then 煒成，鄭昌，Grace， Paulina joined us to see her body for last time yesterday. I cried my heart, lungs and soul and everything out so that my chest hurts next day. 鄭and 煒成said prayers for us, we sang amazing grace one verse and all took turns to say goodbye to her.
Again the police said they have to return to scene, so Cheng said ask neighbor Ying Fung to be there. At first I resisted because it was past 1130p but a witness was better. It was five against one, so I hopped on police van and Ying Fung was at my building lobby.
After the report I sent Ying Fung home as I want to be alone with Doris. I slept 3 to 5 am and said good morning to Doris even when she is not here. I will try to do more often. This morn I ate the leftover 石斑 fish, clams and 毛瓜 - all her fave - she could not eat last night and her porridge reserved for today, just to reminisce her. I miss her a lot but God is the best caregiver, so I am comforted.
Praise God who received her the best way possible, at home with hubby, almost in bed, which was her wish, but Marion said that might not be good because we would not know till morning. My wife wanted to leave like my father did, eat chicken rice, shower and pass away in sleep.
Yesterday two worships prayed for Doris and she was blessed to depart on the Lord's Day. Thanks all for prayers, food and love, it's what kept her going. May the Lord richly repay all.
The funeral is tentatively scheduled on June 18 Saturday morning.
Victor Yap
* 耶穌哭了*
昨天早上姐姐敏英來照顧她，下午導英來接替，所以Doris離世前見到了她在香港至愛的姐姐們。中午她在會所休息了一會，到了晚上她感到劇烈的疼痛，很想去急症室，又擔心週日沒有醫生當值。劇痛持續了一個小時，我問她是否仍想去醫院，這次她說不用了，就算到了那裏恐怕也沒有幫助，她要求我用潤膚霜幫她按摩雙腿，覺得輕鬆一點了，便準備上牀休息。她坐起身時，突然問是否可以冲涼，我們都說可以，以防萬一第二天需要入院。這也是她最害怕的。
我為她調好水温，扶她坐在浴缸的凳子上，她拉上浴簾冲身，大概只是一兩分鐘的時間，她突然失去知覺，昏迷跌倒在一旁。記得她游泳的時候最喜歡讓我給她“騎小豬”，我立即幫她抹乾身體，來不及思想便用手臂把她鏟起，抱起她衝到沙發。我從來不會這麼做，因為怕摔到她，她也從來不敢讓我這樣抱起她。
導姐在晚上9:21報了警，當我們聽到警察的回覆，說他們正在趕來我家，我們曉得要快為Dori穿衣。馬灣是一個很小的社區，從一頭走到另外一頭只需要十分鐘， 我們剛剛幫Doris穿上她最喜歡的衣衫和褲子，警察已經到了門口。醫護人員來到時為她做了心肺復甦CPR，讓她恢復知覺，再由救護車送去仁濟醫院。我需要等警員在屋內慢慢收集証物，鎖門之後要達的士去醫院。救護車本來在樓下等着我，但樓下的一位警員說我必須留下來錄口供，救護車就先走了。
晚上9:56分醫院打電話給我，問我是否想要搶救Doris，我們清楚這不是她的意願。我馬上打車到了仁濟醫院，敏英和導英的丈夫超哥也差不多時間趕到。醫生告訴我們，她只短暫甦醒了一分鐘，証實去世的時間是晚上10:09。之後煒成，鄭昌，Grace， Paulina 也趕來了。我哭得撕心裂肺(第二天胸口很痛)，鄭昌、煒成為我們禱告，大家一起唱詩歌“奇異恩典”，每人輪流和她道別。
這時候，警方打來通知我，說他們需要再回現場錄口供，於是鄭昌請鄰居英峰到我家去幫忙。一開始我不願意，因為太晚，已經過了11:30。但有一位証人在場始終好一點，我一個說不過他們五個，五比一，於是我上了警車回到家，英峰已經在樓下大堂等着我。
錄完口供，送走了英峰，我想和Doris單獨在一起。我從凌晨3點睡到5點，起牀時雖然知道她不在，還是對她說了一聲“早安!” 我以後會經常這麼做。心裏懷念着她，我把昨晚她的剩菜 - 石斑、蜆和毛瓜做早餐吃了，這些都是她愛吃的，還有預備她今天喝的粥。我非常掛念她，但神是最好的照顧者，我的心被神安慰了。
感謝讚美神！祂以最好的方式將Doris接去：和丈夫一起在家中，差不多上床睡覺了，這正是她的心願。可是姐姐敏英不覺得睡覺離夢中離是好的，因為這樣的話，我們要到第二天早上才會發現她已經被接走了。我知道我的太太希望像我父親去世時那樣，吃了雞飯、冲凉、在睡夢中離世。
感謝你們的禱告、食物、花和愛，支撑着Doris走完她人生的路，願神親自記念報答大家。
葉福成May 22
Yesterday her sister Marion敏英 came in the morning to care for her and To導英 took over in the afternoon, so Doris saw all her beloved HK sisters before she departed. At noon she rested at club house and at evening the pain overwhelmed her and she contemplated going to emergency but To feared no doctor was present over weekend. An hour later the pain persisted and I asked her if she still wanna go. This time she said no, fearing no treatment there. I massaged her legs with cream for her at her request and she felt relaxed and ready for bed. When she got up she suddenly asked if she should shower, we both said yes just in case she would be hospitalized today, her worst fear.
I adjusted the water to the right temperature for her before she sat on the stool in tub. She drew the curtains and showered and slumped unconscious over sideways within a minute or two. Doris favorite request in the swimming pool was for me to give her a piggy back ride, so I dried her quickly and scooped her in my arms without thinking and rushed her to our sofa. I could never have done that usually for fear of dropping her. She would not dare either. At 921pm To placed a call to police while I did quick work to dress her up at the same time hearung the police reply over the phone that they are on the way. Ma Wan is less than ten minutes walking fron one end to other. The two of us barely managed to slip her favorite pants and shirt on when they knocked on our door seconds earlier.
The paramedics did CPR and revived her to send her to hospital. To went ahead to ambulance while I have to lock up as the police were slow to pick up their things. Just as the ambulance was waiting for me a police downstairs said I have to stay to give my account of events, so they left without me. At 956pm To gave me a call and said doctor wanna asked me if I want to resusticate her, and we both agreed that's not her wish.
I caught a taxi to 人濟and arrived seconds before Marion and Tos husband Chiu. The doctor gave us 1009pm time of her departure and said she barely revived one minute before slipping away. Then 煒成，鄭昌，Grace， Paulina joined us to see her body for last time yesterday. I cried my heart, lungs and soul and everything out so that my chest hurts next day. 鄭and 煒成said prayers for us, we sang amazing grace one verse and all took turns to say goodbye to her.
Again the police said they have to return to scene, so Cheng said ask neighbor Ying Fung to be there. At first I resisted because it was past 1130p but a witness was better. It was five against one, so I hopped on police van and Ying Fung was at my building lobby.
After the report I sent Ying Fung home as I want to be alone with Doris. I slept 3 to 5 am and said good morning to Doris even when she is not here. I will try to do more often. This morn I ate the leftover 石斑 fish, clams and 毛瓜 - all her fave - she could not eat last night and her porridge reserved for today, just to reminisce her. I miss her a lot but God is the best caregiver, so I am comforted.
Praise God who received her the best way possible, at home with hubby, almost in bed, which was her wish, but Marion said that might not be good because we would not know till morning. My wife wanted to leave like my father did, eat chicken rice, shower and pass away in sleep.
Yesterday two worships prayed for Doris and she was blessed to depart on the Lord's Day. Thanks all for prayers, food and love, it's what kept her going. May the Lord richly repay all.
The funeral is tentatively scheduled on June 18 Saturday morning.
Victor Yap
* 耶穌哭了*
昨天早上姐姐敏英來照顧她，下午導英來接替，所以Doris離世前見到了她在香港至愛的姐姐們。中午她在會所休息了一會，到了晚上她感到劇烈的疼痛，很想去急症室，又擔心週日沒有醫生當值。劇痛持續了一個小時，我問她是否仍想去醫院，這次她說不用了，就算到了那裏恐怕也沒有幫助，她要求我用潤膚霜幫她按摩雙腿，覺得輕鬆一點了，便準備上牀休息。她坐起身時，突然問是否可以冲涼，我們都說可以，以防萬一第二天需要入院。這也是她最害怕的。
我為她調好水温，扶她坐在浴缸的凳子上，她拉上浴簾冲身，大概只是一兩分鐘的時間，她突然失去知覺，昏迷跌倒在一旁。記得她游泳的時候最喜歡讓我給她“騎小豬”，我立即幫她抹乾身體，來不及思想便用手臂把她鏟起，抱起她衝到沙發。我從來不會這麼做，因為怕摔到她，她也從來不敢讓我這樣抱起她。
導姐在晚上9:21報了警，當我們聽到警察的回覆，說他們正在趕來我家，我們曉得要快為Dori穿衣。馬灣是一個很小的社區，從一頭走到另外一頭只需要十分鐘， 我們剛剛幫Doris穿上她最喜歡的衣衫和褲子，警察已經到了門口。醫護人員來到時為她做了心肺復甦CPR，讓她恢復知覺，再由救護車送去仁濟醫院。我需要等警員在屋內慢慢收集証物，鎖門之後要達的士去醫院。救護車本來在樓下等着我，但樓下的一位警員說我必須留下來錄口供，救護車就先走了。
晚上9:56分醫院打電話給我，問我是否想要搶救Doris，我們清楚這不是她的意願。我馬上打車到了仁濟醫院，敏英和導英的丈夫超哥也差不多時間趕到。醫生告訴我們，她只短暫甦醒了一分鐘，証實去世的時間是晚上10:09。之後煒成，鄭昌，Grace， Paulina 也趕來了。我哭得撕心裂肺(第二天胸口很痛)，鄭昌、煒成為我們禱告，大家一起唱詩歌“奇異恩典”，每人輪流和她道別。
這時候，警方打來通知我，說他們需要再回現場錄口供，於是鄭昌請鄰居英峰到我家去幫忙。一開始我不願意，因為太晚，已經過了11:30。但有一位証人在場始終好一點，我一個說不過他們五個，五比一，於是我上了警車回到家，英峰已經在樓下大堂等着我。
錄完口供，送走了英峰，我想和Doris單獨在一起。我從凌晨3點睡到5點，起牀時雖然知道她不在，還是對她說了一聲“早安!” 我以後會經常這麼做。心裏懷念着她，我把昨晚她的剩菜 - 石斑、蜆和毛瓜做早餐吃了，這些都是她愛吃的，還有預備她今天喝的粥。我非常掛念她，但神是最好的照顧者，我的心被神安慰了。
感謝讚美神！祂以最好的方式將Doris接去：和丈夫一起在家中，差不多上床睡覺了，這正是她的心願。可是姐姐敏英不覺得睡覺離夢中離是好的，因為這樣的話，我們要到第二天早上才會發現她已經被接走了。我知道我的太太希望像我父親去世時那樣，吃了雞飯、冲凉、在睡夢中離世。
感謝你們的禱告、食物、花和愛，支撑着Doris走完她人生的路，願神親自記念報答大家。
葉福成May 22
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