Week 1

Dear friends of Doris,
It's been a week since my beloved Doris left me. Her struggle till the end was 唔捨得 fondness for me versus being with Christ.I will remember her last dream, walking without pause or fear through a long dark tunnel to find a rest area at the end of the tunnel. I asked her if it was a bad dream, she said No. I treaded with caution asking it in the negative because dreams caused her much emotional suffering, as strong as physical suffering to her. I asked her sister if they were told this dream, but one said, She did not mention the dream but her dreams usually feature bad guys and evil nightmares 她沒提過，多數講及的都是有壞人，邪惡的夢. So I am comforted she is in a much better place with her much beloved Lord, but I did not feel it till day five.
Day one after Doris left was sudden planning for the funeral and not going to the mortuary as expected because the police gave me a call at 1 am and said that there is not enough time for the mortuary to prepare her body for the next day. The vacant day was not good for her sisters' state of mind. With that information Monday morning, I asked coworkers for more funeral agent referrals. I decided to meet with the agent that replied me the earliest, five minutes after I texted at 804am. He can meet 1030am, and so could Doris' sisters, Faith and Marion, and Cheng 鄭昌 who was helping me with funeral arrangement. Wei Seng and Bon joined the meeting. The most favorable dates were after 14th as a friend of Doris requested not on 10-13th because she was away and Rev. So would be back 14th. In retrospect the much later date turned out well because her nephew Josiah could book ticket easily from USA. Cheng would moderate, Rev. So would speak, Wei Seng pray, and Bon read scripture. After lunch Wing Cheung was added to scripture reading. All the above were very helpful. A few coworkers joined us for lunch. The sisters were comforted, knowing I have good company. The only blip that day was when I realized her two sisters had emptied and recycled all her morphine bottles that noon to help me out with cleaning, but that left a hole in me. One of the sister was a model environmentalist who would not let anything go to waste. I preferred to keep an empty bottle at least. The thought of more cleaning by her sisters prompted me to go through leftover medication and food, then separated and photographed what they could take. I felt better. I also found two small notebooks with one set of Bible study application for Psalm 51, a list of institutions and amount to offer, good for me to follow up.
Day two morn 9-945am was spent at the mortuary. While waiting for the office to open, I told the older sister with me I would prefer them not to remove anything and keep the house as is. It took 45 minutes to fill forms and see Doris' body. I touched the glass in tears. She looked exactly like before. We get to view her for less than five minutes. With much time at hand I decided to go to Macau at 1105am to retrieve some savings from our bank before bank complications set in, revisit old places and take some pictures of her former housing and University. The sisters offered to go with me to provide support, but I wanted to do a solo trip for  memories sake and on her behalf. Using my Macau ID, I discovered it has been canceled since Doris no longer worked there. I took the 230pm return ferry. At night I was so excited to find some prayers she wrote in her doctoral student days.
Day three was emotional and personal to me. It kicks off a drive to visit places I have been with Doris plan. I went to the Peak after convenient 好彩 breakfast with older sister To and her husband Chiu, spent two hours there before coming down for a late lunch at one of our fave cantonese 龍幫BBQ in Sheungwan. For the last two days coworkers surrounded me for tea, doing their best to comfort me. At night I try to finish off refrigerator food. It took eight days to consume the last portion since I only eat home at night.
Day four was back to work as I had exhausted the two days compassionate leave but that day was a half day work for me, so I went for early lunch at IFC Open Kitchen and bottled water later at sheungwan pacific coffee, all our regular stops.
Friday, day five. I woke up in a better spirit, accepting finally that she couldn't be any happier than to be in the presence of the Lord, released from her ongoing suffering. I could even sing a morn song to Doris. The last few days I could manage two to four hours sleep. The better morn did not hold up. As usual tears freely flow while doing work, taking MTR, seeing older friends and feeling nostalgic with familiar sights, sounds and sensations.
Day six. Cheng took me to Shanghai restaurant to cheer me up, joined by Wei Seng later. It's weird that I don't feel like the next day is a Sunday. Already I could not figure out Friday and Saturday without a schedule around caring for Doris.
Yesterday. The tears floodgates hit at putonghua worship when Bon prayed for Doris and family. The speaker was affected. The benediction led to an outpouring. Karol told she dreamed of Doris laying hands on her, praying for her while Karol was doing laundry. I was comforted. Over lunch the PTH crowd proposed a Shanghai trip to remember places we visited last May. I was definitely interested.
Today I put the last few pieces of clothing she wore by the rack beside her bed where it was previously placed before the stroke. Tidying, cleaning, washing, organizing all helped me to come to terms with her absence. The two water flasks remained in the same spot on the table, so is the last empty bottle in the fridge, the star wars cup by the bed, only samples of unopened meds and two pots of plants remained. One of the happiest occasions was the sisters found a big empty morphine bottle in the kitchen pantry and I found another underneath the kitchen sink!
I still keep her old phone number to send texts there since yesterday. Today I told her my dream with herlast night and everybody's fave question three days now to me in the form of, What's your plan or Are you returning to USA?
I write this for my own processing and growth and to help others dealing with grief!
Doris親愛的朋友們：
我至愛的Doris離開我已經一個禮拜了。她離世前最後的掙扎，就是對我-的鍾情不捨對比與基督一起。我會一直記得她所做的最後一個夢：她在一條又長又黑的隧道中不停地、不畏懼地行走，最後在隧道的另一頭出口找到一個休息 (rest area) 的地方。我問她這是否一個噩夢，她說不是。我小心翼翼地，並且否定的方法問她，因為我知道，一直以來夢給她造成巨大的精神痛苦，和她所忍受的身體上的痛苦同樣強烈。 我又問了她兩位姐姐，她們是否聽過這個夢，她們說沒有，但說她的夢中經常出現壞人，以及有關邪惡的夢。她現在已經在一個更好的地方，與她摯愛的主在一起，想到這一點我心中得了安慰，但我是到了她離開第五天才這麼覺得。
Doris離開的第一天，突發地計劃了葬禮，也如我預期的，不能去殮房，因為警方凌晨1點打來，告知殮房沒有足夠時間在次日準備好她的遺體。這一天的空閒對她的姐姐們的精神不是很好。星期一早上知道這消息之後，我問同事多拿了幾個葬禮代理的聯絡， 8:04發了短信，五分鐘後收到回覆，我決定和這位最早回覆的代理見面。他可以 10:30會面，另外Doris的姐姐導英，敏英，幫忙安排葬禮的鄭昌也可以，煒成和國邦也加入了會議。最理想的葬禮日期是六月十四號之後，Doris的一位朋友希望不要在十號到十三號之間，因為她不在香港，蘇牧師也要十四號才回來。現在回想起來，日期推遲了比較好，這樣，她的外甥Josiah在美國訂機票就容易多了。葬禮的安排：鄭昌牧師主持，蘇牧師證道，煒成禱告，國邦讀經。午餐後，加了永祥讀經，同工們幫助我們很多。有幾位同事來和我們一起午餐，姐姐們知道我有這麼好的同伴，都覺得很安慰。
那天唯一的不對勁，就是當我發現她的兩位姐姐為了幫助我清理，已經在中午倒空並回收了她所有的嗎啡藥瓶，我心裡好像有了一個空空的洞。其中一位姐姐是環保人士的典範，從不容許任何東西被浪費，可是我是希望至少保留一個藥瓶。想到她的姐姐們將會進行更多的清理，這想法促使我去檢查家裡剩餘的藥物和食物，將它們分開，並將她們有可能拿走的拍照留念。我覺得好點了。同時，我發現了兩本小的筆記本，其中有一套詩篇五十一篇查經的應用，以及一份機構的名單以及奉獻的數目，方便讓我跟進。
第三天對於我來說是情緒起伏的、私人的一天，驅使我打算開始一個計劃：重遊我和Doris曾經一起去過的地方。早上在上環好彩酒樓和導姐、姐夫阿超吃完早餐，之後我去了山頂兩個小時。下山之後，在上環一家我們很喜歡的廣東燒味"龍幫”吃了午餐。過去兩天，同事們都圍繞着我，陪我喝飲料，盡量安慰我。晚上我嘗試將冰箱裏的食物吃完，結果花了八天才吃掉最後一份， 因為我只有晚上才在家吃。
第四天
回去工作。我已經消耗了兩天喪假， 今天 我需要工作半天。我去了IFC的Open Kitchen，吃了個早午餐，之後在上環的 Pacific Coffee買了一瓶水喝。這幾個地點都是我們通常會去的。
星期五 第五天
醒來的時候覺得精神好了一點，終於可以接受她最開心的，是從苦難中被釋放出來，和神在一起。我甚至唱了一首清晨的歌給Doris聽。過去幾天我每晚可以睡2到4個小時。這個精神好了一點的早晨並沒有維持多久，和往常一樣，眼淚不停地流下來，在工作的時候，坐地鐵的時候，見老朋友的時候，碰到熟悉的情景、聲音和感覺，懷念過去的時候。
第六天
鄭昌帶我去吃上海菜， 希望令我振作起來，之後煒成也一起來了。很奇怪，我感覺不到第二天就是禮拜天了，沒有了照顧Doris的時間表， 我已經弄不清星期五和星期六了。
昨天
普通話崇拜時，當國邦為Doris和家人禱告時， 我的眼淚像沖開了閘，不停地流，連講員也被感染了，最後我上台祝福的時候，眼淚更是控制不住，傾注而下。Karol告訴我，她夢到自己正在洗衣服的時候，Doris按手在她身上，為她禱告。我聽了心裡很受安慰。吃午飯的時候，普通話團友們提議一個上海之旅，一起去紀念去年五月我們到訪過的地方。我當然有興趣！
今天
我將她穿過的最後幾件衣服放在床邊的架子上，放在她中風之前放著的地方。在家中收拾、清潔、洗刷、整理……幫助我過渡到她已經不在了的狀態。兩個水壺還放在桌子上原來的位置，冰箱裡最後一個空藥瓶也是，還有在床邊的“星球大戰”的杯子，還沒有開封的藥和兩盆植物。最開心的時刻，就是姐姐們在廚房的櫥櫃裡發現  了一個空的大嗎啡藥瓶，而我在廚房的水盆下發現了另一個！
我仍然保留她的手機號碼，昨天開始發短信過去。今天我告訴她昨晚有關我和她的 夢，還有這三天最多人問的問題：你有什麼打算？會回去美國嗎？
我將這些寫下來，為了我個人的分析和成長，也為了幫助別人處理哀痛！
Victor Yap 葉福成May 30

Rest in Peace, Doris! May 22, 2016

*Jesus Wept*
Yesterday her sister Marion敏英 came in the morning to care for her and To導英 took over in the afternoon, so Doris saw all her beloved HK sisters before she departed. At noon she rested at club house and at evening the pain overwhelmed her and she contemplated going to emergency but To feared no doctor was present over weekend. An hour later the pain persisted and I asked her if she still wanna go. This time she said no, fearing no treatment there. I massaged her legs with cream for her at her request and she felt relaxed and ready for bed. When she got up she suddenly asked if she should shower, we both said yes just in case she would be hospitalized today, her worst fear. 

I adjusted the water to the right temperature for her before she sat on the stool in tub. She drew the curtains and showered and slumped unconscious over sideways within a minute or two. Doris favorite request in the swimming pool was for me to give her a piggy back ride, so I dried her quickly and scooped her in my arms without thinking and rushed her to our sofa. I could never have done that usually for fear of dropping her. She would not dare either. At 921pm To placed a call to police while I did quick work to dress her up at the same time hearung the police reply over the phone that they are on the way. Ma Wan is less than ten minutes walking fron one end to other. The two of us barely managed to slip her favorite pants and shirt on when they knocked on our door seconds earlier.

The paramedics did CPR and revived her to send her to hospital. To went ahead to ambulance while I have to lock up as the police were slow to pick up their things. Just as the ambulance was waiting for me a police downstairs said I have to stay to give my account of events, so they left without me. At 956pm To gave me a call and said doctor wanna asked me if I want to resusticate her, and we both agreed that's not her wish.

I caught a taxi to 人濟and arrived seconds before Marion and Tos husband Chiu. The doctor gave us 1009pm time of her departure and said she barely revived one minute before slipping away. Then 煒成，鄭昌，Grace， Paulina joined us to see her body for last time yesterday. I cried my heart, lungs and soul and everything out so that my chest hurts next day. 鄭and 煒成said prayers for us, we sang amazing grace one verse and all took turns to say goodbye to her.

Again the police said they have to return to scene, so Cheng said ask neighbor Ying Fung to be there. At first I resisted because it was past 1130p but a witness was better. It was five against one, so I hopped on police van and Ying Fung was at my building lobby.

After the report I sent Ying Fung home as I want to be alone with Doris. I slept 3 to 5 am and said good morning to Doris even when she is not here. I will try to do more often. This morn I ate the leftover 石斑 fish, clams and 毛瓜 - all her fave - she could not eat last night and her porridge reserved for today, just to reminisce her. I miss her a lot but God is the best caregiver, so I am comforted.

Praise God who received her the best way possible, at home with hubby, almost in bed, which was her wish, but Marion said that might not be good because we would not know till morning. My wife wanted to leave like my father did, eat chicken rice, shower and pass away in sleep.

Yesterday two worships prayed for Doris and she was blessed to depart on the Lord's Day. Thanks all for prayers, food and love, it's what kept her going. May the Lord richly repay all.

The funeral is tentatively scheduled on June 18 Saturday morning. 

Victor Yap

* 耶穌哭了*

昨天早上姐姐敏英來照顧她，下午導英來接替，所以Doris離世前見到了她在香港至愛的姐姐們。中午她在會所休息了一會，到了晚上她感到劇烈的疼痛，很想去急症室，又擔心週日沒有醫生當值。劇痛持續了一個小時，我問她是否仍想去醫院，這次她說不用了，就算到了那裏恐怕也沒有幫助，她要求我用潤膚霜幫她按摩雙腿，覺得輕鬆一點了，便準備上牀休息。她坐起身時，突然問是否可以冲涼，我們都說可以，以防萬一第二天需要入院。這也是她最害怕的。

我為她調好水温，扶她坐在浴缸的凳子上，她拉上浴簾冲身，大概只是一兩分鐘的時間，她突然失去知覺，昏迷跌倒在一旁。記得她游泳的時候最喜歡讓我給她“騎小豬”，我立即幫她抹乾身體，來不及思想便用手臂把她鏟起，抱起她衝到沙發。我從來不會這麼做，因為怕摔到她，她也從來不敢讓我這樣抱起她。

導姐在晚上9:21報了警，當我們聽到警察的回覆，說他們正在趕來我家，我們曉得要快為Dori穿衣。馬灣是一個很小的社區，從一頭走到另外一頭只需要十分鐘， 我們剛剛幫Doris穿上她最喜歡的衣衫和褲子，警察已經到了門口。醫護人員來到時為她做了心肺復甦CPR，讓她恢復知覺，再由救護車送去仁濟醫院。我需要等警員在屋內慢慢收集証物，鎖門之後要達的士去醫院。救護車本來在樓下等着我，但樓下的一位警員說我必須留下來錄口供，救護車就先走了。

晚上9:56分醫院打電話給我，問我是否想要搶救Doris，我們清楚這不是她的意願。我馬上打車到了仁濟醫院，敏英和導英的丈夫超哥也差不多時間趕到。醫生告訴我們，她只短暫甦醒了一分鐘，証實去世的時間是晚上10:09。之後煒成，鄭昌，Grace， Paulina 也趕來了。我哭得撕心裂肺(第二天胸口很痛)，鄭昌、煒成為我們禱告，大家一起唱詩歌“奇異恩典”，每人輪流和她道別。

這時候，警方打來通知我，說他們需要再回現場錄口供，於是鄭昌請鄰居英峰到我家去幫忙。一開始我不願意，因為太晚，已經過了11:30。但有一位証人在場始終好一點，我一個說不過他們五個，五比一，於是我上了警車回到家，英峰已經在樓下大堂等着我。

錄完口供，送走了英峰，我想和Doris單獨在一起。我從凌晨3點睡到5點，起牀時雖然知道她不在，還是對她說了一聲“早安!” 我以後會經常這麼做。心裏懷念着她，我把昨晚她的剩菜 - 石斑、蜆和毛瓜做早餐吃了，這些都是她愛吃的，還有預備她今天喝的粥。我非常掛念她，但神是最好的照顧者，我的心被神安慰了。

感謝讚美神！祂以最好的方式將Doris接去：和丈夫一起在家中，差不多上床睡覺了，這正是她的心願。可是姐姐敏英不覺得睡覺離夢中離是好的，因為這樣的話，我們要到第二天早上才會發現她已經被接走了。我知道我的太太希望像我父親去世時那樣，吃了雞飯、冲凉、在睡夢中離世。

感謝你們的禱告、食物、花和愛，支撑着Doris走完她人生的路，願神親自記念報答大家。

葉福成May 22

Dear Doris

Dear Doris:

I read your previous email. I was very sorrowful. I was so sad and I don't know how to comfort you. I don't want you to suffer and I don't want you to give up. You have inspired me many times in many ways. I love both you and Victor. I remember first time Victor introduced you to me as his girlfriend. I remember we had enjoyed food together. I remember just hanging out with both of you. Eleanor and I treasured all these memories. We appreciate your teaching when you both came to speak for the RCCCC retreat. I still think your are more interesting to listen to. (Yeah! I know Victor does not like me when I say so.) To be fair to him, I happen to think that Victor is one of the best Chinese preachers I have known.

Thank you for sharing that you are trying the new drug. I am praying for effectiveness of the drug and minimum damages it will cause. Hang in there. You are never far away from God's love. He loves us more than we can ever feel or comprehend. I use this verse in my sermon this morning:

Rom 8:32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

I hope to see you even though I don't know where and when. What a blessing it is to have friends like you and Victor!

Herman and Eleanor

Thanks, Aug 24

Dear Victor,

Sorry to learn about Doris' cancer has mestasized. My wife and I are remembering you two in our prayer.

Life has been hard for me too because I have not been free from physical problems since arriving in Vancouver. God is teaching me to trust Him and I feel closer to Him more than any time in the past.

I have forwarded your email and the manuscripts to A who will contact you in due time.

In His grace,

AK

Mestasized, Aug 2015

We received news two days ago Aug 8 from Doris PET CT scan that her cancer is likely mestasized. She has been suffering from a month long ribcage and shoulder pain two months after her two year oral chemotherapy ended in May. Yesterday she had abdominal pain at around 3 pm and went to lie down and sleep while we had a marketplace meeting at home. Pray for her pain, it hurts to see her helpless and in anguish.

Anniversary, Aug 2015

Yesterday was our anniversary. We bought an overnight package at a popular hotel but the dinner buffet and especially morning breakfast were flat. The noon part was rather ho-hum but we made it up with takeout dinner and cake, enough to spare for our neighbor who dropped by.

Doris had finished her treatment but the pain in the ribcage and shoulder are a concern. We will order tests to see what happens. Please pray for her. We will cancel our trip to USA due her pain.

Besides wife's struggles, not much has changed for me. Last month was a breakthrough because I managed four sermons, three new ones, all by God's grace. I have handed over leadership in a couples fellowship to my other coworkers, so I am glad that we have bought stability to the couples and church as a whole. By the way I will have completed two years fulltime at YF this month. It's been quite a challenging and growing experience.

I seldom check in nowadays because of my busy schedule, but I still hope to write once every two months for now, bye.

Shanghai, June 2015

We just came back from six days of holiday in Shanghai two weeks after the end of wife's two-year chemotherapy treatment. It was an enjoyable trip for the two of us. We stayed at Okura and took the mtr or traveled on foot. The biggest surprise was an impromptu one-day trip Hangzhou. On day two we were caught by the rain at the same time I was sneezing all day. The scenes, sights and sounds that amaze us are the museum, 淮海路， 新天地， 恆龍， 外灘 and a lot of things and places. Peace Hotel napkins were perfect. We were very impressed. I could only find a piece of litter on mtr trains through five days.

In Hangzhou we strolled halfway through Westlake before we came to Shangrila and had high tea for RMB$88. We were just glad we were allowed to eat there. Starbucks was everywhere on the lake but the drinks are not as good. It was one of the best places we traveled.

Food was good at 大吉士 and most eateries, including Napoleon cake. Local street Shanghai food is good for a small budget, like four buns for RMB$5, less than 20% of the price at a fancy restaurant.

At the end fo the trip I had finished the 文法聖經 three months after I started, hoorah!

文法聖經 Apr 2015

I am hot at work on my grammatical Bible, which is my labor of love and masterpiece to contribute to the world of Bible exposition. I have just finished the New Testament version, but it is hard work, tedious, detailed and taxing. Instead of teaching more students how to look at the verbs (imperatives, indicatives, infinitives, subjunctives and participles) I have worked it into the Chinese Bible. I started in March, so I am two months into the job. The hardest is to edit, and I have lost a few days of editing error.

Praise God, Doris is in the last month of oral chem. The next thing is deciding what to do, stay in Macau or back to HK. We trust God to open doors for her and tell her what to decide, otherwise she would feel uneasy.

It is the end of the year review for many things at work and I have contributed much but much is required. Next week I am heading to Taiwan to do a two hour lecture on expository sermon, but I am not sure how it will be received. I prefer a whole course rather than a short talk.

Chinese New Year, Mar 2015

We had a quiet but meaningful new year, slowing down enough to rest and relax. The truth is we did not even go out on the first day. On the second day we went to relatives for dinner. On the third day we ate German pork knuckle at home. I went back to work like most people did next week, Tuesday for us.

Yesterday a student from China visited me with his wife and seven months old daughter. It was heart-wrenching to discover that graduates there make less than $3,000 a month and they have to turn to secular jobs. They left Beijing after seven years to return to Shandong with baby's birth but the living there with the husband's family is harsh with problems adjusting to food and in-laws there. They hope to visit Dongguan where her parents are, and see if they can live there, but living with in-laws is not an option for the young family. It is interesting they think HK has hukou.

What I am most happy about is to finish revising all my old sermons, putting in the Hebrew and Greek structure into its place. That would make the sermons timeless and technical. Now I have two more challenges to revise my preaching notes and record it for my students. The second is to put structures into parsing guides and its Chinese translation and upload it on the net with permission. It's a long story but pastors and seminarians would appreciate it. It is durable for the long haul.

New Year, Jan 2015

The  new year has arrived. As usual, I changed a pair of shoes, few pair of socks and some garments, just like old days. For last year I gave thanks for PTH ministry, Couples Fellowship and my brother's immigration to USA. It's been a long six years and four months since we have arrived in HK and we are pretty much settled here.

The last month has been great for wife. She has been happy for a few weeks, no longer bothered by the cancer she has. We have been to mainland twice in the last month, Panyu and Foshan, and we manage to adjust the mishaps much better than we thought. Once we went to the wrong place and another time we went to an old mall.

I was unhappy when a good friend left his job, but life can be unfair especially to those without clout. For the new year I pray for health,  stability and friends. May the Lord look after family and friends.