Thursday, December 5, 2013

Sick, Dec 2013

I have been sick for two months in a row since turning fulltime in October, and that's not good. There's a saying in my circle: "Half-time church work is full-time, and full-time means overtime." I am starting to learn how to be proactive and take control of things before they unravel and spiral out of control. I have been to campus and fellowship to gain a handle on what others are doing, so far things are working.

We have our thanksgiving list for the year:
1. Wife's health not worsened
2. Completion of degree
3. Book to be released this month
4. Turning fulltime
5. USA trip

Here is Doris' latest newsletter:
Nov 20, 2013
Dear friends,

You may wonder how I am doing. I have been fine. Praise God!! In fact after the death anxiety subsided, I am less tired. So I am doing better!

I am now on my 5th course of chemotherapy. Well my liver enzymes are still somewhat elevated, but it seems fine to the doctor for me to proceed. The lump is still there; its size is like an egg, so it is like having an egg under your armpit. It is not comfortable. But since death is not imminent, I am learning to live with it as a good thorn that reminds me to relax and stretch frequently. I am learning to submit my body into God’s good hands and to trust in His healing hands. I practice more body awareness exercises through prayer. I ask for your prayers that the Lord may grant me complete healing according to His good and perfect will.

Now that I have calmed down, I reflected on the 3 “long” weeks worrying about recurrence and a quick decline of health towards death. During that time I compiled my to-do list and it is actually extremely short. I mourned the loss of some unfulfilled dreams and realized then nothing is really that significant. We would all go back to God alone, naked. We do not bring our list of accomplishments. Even relationships would not help in those moments. Now that death is not imminent, I ponder how I should live. Well there isn’t anything I particularly care to do! The negative side is that I feel a bit empty, stagnant and listless. I have been such a “driven” person. The positive side is that now I do not feel the need to advance and worry less about how I would be perceived or judged by others. No need to achieve and no need to please -- it is good! I earnestly would like to live well each day and be able to leave behind some gifts to others although I do not know what exactly they are yet. I want to use the gifts I am blessed with to somehow bless others. I pray that I may be able to “give away” what I have and to finish the race well. I wonder if God has any specific assignment for me. I wait only on Him! I think it takes the imminence of death to change me. Thankfully this transforms me to become a bit more God-centered other-centered and a bit less self-centered. For a while I want to “know” how many years I have so that I can “plan” accordingly! It really is in God’s wisdom that I am not to know – I am to discern only the next step.

I still keep the same prayer each day – crying for God’s mercy when I wake up, committing my mind, body and spirit into His hands. May He make me a blessing today. It is a simple and good practice to keep me focused on Him.

Thank you for journeying with me!

Doris